effortjoy

Here Are My Illusions about alcohol that began when I was 14yrs old and almost twenty years later I am still struggling to get rid of:
1. Alcohol is the only thing in my life that I can always depend on
2. It never leaves me alone, it never hurts me, it always makes me feel like I belong
3. It gets rid of all my boredom, all of my anxiety
4. It makes me patient
5. It makes me creative
6. It makes me into a fun person
7. It makes life worth living

What are your illusions? How do you get rid of them?

SurviveIt

My biggest and most dangerous self-delusion is thinking that I can manage my drinking.

I get rid of it by remembering all the horrible stuff I did while drinking.

Fubarcdn

Before I quit drinking I used to have most of those same illusions but now I realize they were just that illusions.
1. I realize that alcohol only alienated the people that I can depend on.
3. It may have temporarilly relieve my boredom but in the end left me feeling more anxious after I started sobering up.
4. If it made me patient why did I usually end up in an arguement with someone I cared for?
5. Nobody else cared too much for what I created while under the influence and sober neither did I.
6. Everyone that doesn't have a drinking problem also thinks I am much nicer to be around sober.
7. It only hampered my ability to live a truly enjoyable life.

Welcome to SR effortjoy.
I hope you look at your list more objectively and decide that a sober life is a better life.
Good luck.

firestorm090

One of my biggest illusions is that everyone who is out there drinking is having a good time and I'm missing the party.

I wasn't having a good time out there drinking, but I kept chasing that good time for years after it had left the state I was living in. Kinda like trying to find gold after the vein had went dry, I just kept digging a deeper hole and pushing more dirt, but the gold was long gone.

KenL

Welcome to SR effortjoy. I like how you put your list of illusions up for us to read. I can relate to some of those things. I appreciate your honesty and candidness in posting them. Getting rid of our illusions or learning how to deal with them is something I think we all can relate to. Thanks.

tommyk

When I think of alcohol I think of 'the next morning'.

No illusions.

Ugh.

No f***ing way.

Wolfchild

Hello and welcome to SR!!

Illusions, excuses, rationalizations, justifications, etc.. have been, and continue to be, dealt with (in my life) by accepting and surrendering to the spiritual principles found in the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions of N.A.. As i continue to take personal responsibilty for my recovery, i move forward in the freedom i have been given from active addiction/alcoholism. Having faith in a power greater than myself helps me to realize that i can't do this alone and that help is always available from those who love and care about me. Sharing about what my disease is telling me and how i feel about that dispels the power these things seem to have over me. Being of service to another human being, as God wills it, gives me a true sense of purpose and meaning which helps me to realize that self obsession is at the core of the disease of addiction/alcoholism. Relating to reality is far better than living in my own head!!

i hope that you will continue to search for the solutions to your problems
& that you will give this new way of life a chance to take root in your heart.

CarolD

I'm curious....why are you thinking about quitting alcohol?
All my fun bottles were empty when I decided to stop.

I hhad no illusions left as to my alcoholism.

Welcome to SR....

effortjoy

Because my kids are getting bigger and I don't want them to see me as a drinker. And because i'm getting tired and my nose is getting red and the circles are darkening under my eyes and it seems like the one thing that I could depend on (the alcohol) will betray me far more than anything else in my life but since I never hit rock bottom, my illusions are still wavering.

NewBeginning010

I am going to have to go with this one /\

firestorm090

Hi ej, there's alot of truth in these illusions, so I'll consider them one at a time as they pertain to me, which is my way of sharing my experience:

1. Alcohol is the only thing in my life that I can always depend on

That's true, except the "only" part. I can always depend on alcohol to devastate me, cause me to break out in spots that I don't like, like jails, drunk tanks, courthouses, sleeping in an abandoned car, (I did that once), waking up feeling like total garbage, yep, I can depend on booze for all of these and many more things that make life miserable. We can also depend on it to bring misery and pain to all of those we love.

2. It never leaves me alone, it never hurts me, it always makes me feel like I belong.

Again, alot of truth here, it never leaves me alone cause it's on my mind all the time, it's my obsession to drink like normal men; it never hurts me but I've sure hurt myself by drinking tons of it, and then I pass my hurt along to others; and yes, it makes me feel like I belong.......in a nut ward after I've made a fool of myself again.

3. It gets rid of all my boredom, all my anxiety.........till I sober up. Then I'm really anxious, who did I hurt, where's my car, how am I gonna pay all these bills cause I wasted my money again, and what is that yellow ticket doing on my coffee table?

4. It makes me patient.........yep, well, I had to be because the jailkeep had the key and I wasn't going anywhere till he opened the door.

5. It makes me creative.........one of my favorites, I wish I could remember all the creative lies I told, then had to backtrack and try to remember, cause my new lies didn't match my old lies, oh, and I can't forget all the havoc I created, the hurt feelings I created, the loss of love I created, the painful stares of family members when I looked like I'd just crawled out of the gutter, my creative juices were always flowing.

6. It makes me into a fun person.........well, at least I thought so, but many would beg to differ. It made me into a drunk person, and that's not really fun, it's not fun when you heave all over your windshield as your driving, you pull over to clean up the mess, then you take off to the nearest bar, go in to have a drink, then look down and see your shirt and pants are covered with your last drink. Nope, gotta pass on this one. No wonder the barkeep wouldn't serve me.

7. It makes life worth living........Yes, you've hit the winner here, it does make life worth living........sober.

Hope this helps a little and please take care of your kids, they want to keep you around.

NewBeginning010

Very nice share FS, thanks agian.

Sweets79

I have to say my illusions match up with yours to the T.

I would also say it relieved some of my negative thinking and gave me a feeling of more "hope" that things would get better or might work in my favor. Not being able to control the situation was a big deal for me, and drinking alleviated that feeling to a certain extent.

It also calmed the racing thoughts and the "why's" I would constantly ask myself. Then the next day it would start all over again until I went for my first drink.

hendershot

You are taking a good first step. The way I look at the AA program is that by in large it is about looking at ourselves and the world honestly, trying to overcome our natural self-deception and the illusory world we have created for ourselves. Only then can we find something resembling a happy sober existence.

"Face the facts of being what you are, for that is what changes what you are." -Kierkegaard

rubbersoul

Great post. I definitely relate to what you're saying there. I'm still struggling with the illusions alcoholism creates, but I was expecting to be. I'm 90 days in today and I'm still worried how I'll handle social situations/pressures in the future, which I have yet to face completely.

Here's some of the illusions my brain fires at me:

- "Life is pointless and dull without drugs and alcohol"
- "No one will like me sober (or intoxicated for that matter) how will I make friends without booze?"
- "Seems like almost every single person my age (and people older than me too) drink, so how can I and why should I continue being sober?"

For the first and last one in particular, I can really see how spirituality could help. In bad moments I wonder what the hell I'm even doing this for if I'm gonna die either way. These are times I wish I wasn't so damn agnostic.

Dee74

I'm one of the ones who drank until all my illusions, including all the ones on your list, were totally shattered, Effortjoy.

I wish I'd been honest with myself when thinking these kinds of thoughts - I think its a really good idea to look at the ideals and expectations we have of drugs and alcohol and honestly see if they match up to reality.

My reality was, for most of my 20 year drinking career, the didn't. I lost control pretty early and it took me 15 years to realise it, admit it, and then do something.

Good to see you're thinking about it now before you hit that bottom.
Hope you post some more

Welcome
D

CarolD

Thanks for clarifying.
I replied on this thread before I saw another of yours.
Here is the link to my other..more factual posts

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-help-me.html

You too can enjoy a healhy sober future...

Pinkcuda

Here is an excerpt from something that's getting passed around. I know it fits me to a tee. (whatever "fits to a tee" means)

NewBeginning010

Thanks Pink, that is great

SillyBilly

I don't know what to tell you except most, if not all of the already listed illusions either apply to me, or have applied to me at one point.

Good on you for taking a step and reaching out for some help. It's always better if you can tackle this demon before he ruins you and destroys everything important in your life.

Welcome to the forums, I hope you stick around, there is NOTHING bad about choosing sobriety over drinking.

Thanks again effortjoy