What else do I have to do? I am just so tired of it.
You are not alone my friend.................
Looking For Myself...Sober
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
Posts: 10,209
Well if anything..All that ranting chased away those bad urges. MAn..I thought I was goin to go through it all night. I feel alot better in that aspect now.
No more ohysical cravings. I am good now. And all thanks to you guys. Imagine if you guys had to live with me. LOL dont you have a whole new respect for grams..LMAO..she puts up with me everyday all day. Poor lady,
No more ohysical cravings. I am good now. And all thanks to you guys. Imagine if you guys had to live with me. LOL dont you have a whole new respect for grams..LMAO..she puts up with me everyday all day. Poor lady,
The truth shall set you free
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: United States
Posts: 5,267
chiynita
I wrote this here on SR when I had ten months in recovery. With all dew respect maybe you can identify.
I am in my tenth month in to recovery and I still have those days… At first I tried to hold my tears back… the result… I felt like crap. Tonight I got touch with feelings from my past that made me cry.
Just imagine getting up in the morning and what you perceive to be reality, in all that you see, in all that you feel. I look in the mirror and I see a person, a person who is full of fear, distrust and emptiness.
I carry around repressed pain, terror, shame, rage, guilt, resentment and anger. But as a young adult I do not recognize these feelings. I build walls around me to protect me from the outside world. I do not want you to discover me, even though I don’t know who I am. I put on an image and begin to play lets pretend. I create an illusion of self. So now the show must go on.
I live this image, day in and day out. This lie I created, this emotional state, this desire to escape reality, has very painful consequences. As I live in this lie, I want you to like me. Everything I touch, anything I perceive to be love, people, places and things are false.
These choices I made are from my addicts mind. I created a world around me of false self. I continue living with this false self. Since I was attempting to do life according to false beliefs. I could never have any inner peace. I judged my self and my life experience, both consciously and unconsciously, out of a my dysfunctional belief system, so its not possible to stop being at war within.
At the core of my being, I felt like I was a defective monster, some kind of shameful, unlovable loser, and I directed this pain toward others. I created a false self to run away from the pain. And I substituted one hellish nightmare for another.
At seventeen came that first drink. Drinking justified all my wrong doings. Took away all the repressed pain, terror, shame, rage, guilt, resentment and anger. Alcohol made me feel alive. Alcohol reinforced my false self. At eighteen came the drugs. I spent many years living a lie. Many years abusing mind altering substances.
With my addictive, mind / mood altering substance behavior, the very thing that brought some relief from the internal war and mental anguish. The substance or behavior that gives me feelings of escape, of rising above my life of quiet desperation, of feeling good becomes something that I feel is necessary just to feel normal. Then eventually, normal becomes very low indeed.
In active addiction, I used character defects as a shield against attack. This was my 'survival kit'. I seldom told the truth because I lived in an illusion created and maintained by my lies. Fear and distrust motivated me to build walls to protect me from emotional or physical harm. Only to discover that these walls had become my prisons. I used anger and intimidation to keep people away. Fear of people approaching me. I feared that if they got too close they would see through the games I was playing to the hollow inside.
What I realize now, is that I was released from mind altering substance hell and found myself in codependent hell. My relationship with my self and with life condemned me to codependent hell - and alcohol and drugs had given me a vacation of sorts from dealing with the fact that I did not have a clue of how to live life in a functional way.
Every time I go through a surrender in my recovery I am letting go of some of the ego definitions, character defect that have defined my relationship with myself and life. I have to let go of the attitudes and beliefs that I adapted because of the emotional trauma that I suffered - which are still buried in my subconscious until I became willing to look at them and let them go.
Working on my recovery, I am better able to notice my character defects, short-comings, negative thoughts, anger, and personality flaws. When we are honest with ourselves we gain the capacity for positive change to occur. Our desire for positive change helps us to feel better about ourselves. We become more aware of our true person, enabling us to have the opportunity to make the required changes necessary to grow in our recovery. I will not fear life anymore. Instead I will challenge it.
Please chiynita do what ever it takes to get help. I hate seeing another addict suffer as much as you have. Please for all of us. Get the help you need to get better.
Ivan
I wrote this here on SR when I had ten months in recovery. With all dew respect maybe you can identify.
I am in my tenth month in to recovery and I still have those days… At first I tried to hold my tears back… the result… I felt like crap. Tonight I got touch with feelings from my past that made me cry.
Just imagine getting up in the morning and what you perceive to be reality, in all that you see, in all that you feel. I look in the mirror and I see a person, a person who is full of fear, distrust and emptiness.
I carry around repressed pain, terror, shame, rage, guilt, resentment and anger. But as a young adult I do not recognize these feelings. I build walls around me to protect me from the outside world. I do not want you to discover me, even though I don’t know who I am. I put on an image and begin to play lets pretend. I create an illusion of self. So now the show must go on.
I live this image, day in and day out. This lie I created, this emotional state, this desire to escape reality, has very painful consequences. As I live in this lie, I want you to like me. Everything I touch, anything I perceive to be love, people, places and things are false.
These choices I made are from my addicts mind. I created a world around me of false self. I continue living with this false self. Since I was attempting to do life according to false beliefs. I could never have any inner peace. I judged my self and my life experience, both consciously and unconsciously, out of a my dysfunctional belief system, so its not possible to stop being at war within.
At the core of my being, I felt like I was a defective monster, some kind of shameful, unlovable loser, and I directed this pain toward others. I created a false self to run away from the pain. And I substituted one hellish nightmare for another.
At seventeen came that first drink. Drinking justified all my wrong doings. Took away all the repressed pain, terror, shame, rage, guilt, resentment and anger. Alcohol made me feel alive. Alcohol reinforced my false self. At eighteen came the drugs. I spent many years living a lie. Many years abusing mind altering substances.
With my addictive, mind / mood altering substance behavior, the very thing that brought some relief from the internal war and mental anguish. The substance or behavior that gives me feelings of escape, of rising above my life of quiet desperation, of feeling good becomes something that I feel is necessary just to feel normal. Then eventually, normal becomes very low indeed.
In active addiction, I used character defects as a shield against attack. This was my 'survival kit'. I seldom told the truth because I lived in an illusion created and maintained by my lies. Fear and distrust motivated me to build walls to protect me from emotional or physical harm. Only to discover that these walls had become my prisons. I used anger and intimidation to keep people away. Fear of people approaching me. I feared that if they got too close they would see through the games I was playing to the hollow inside.
What I realize now, is that I was released from mind altering substance hell and found myself in codependent hell. My relationship with my self and with life condemned me to codependent hell - and alcohol and drugs had given me a vacation of sorts from dealing with the fact that I did not have a clue of how to live life in a functional way.
Every time I go through a surrender in my recovery I am letting go of some of the ego definitions, character defect that have defined my relationship with myself and life. I have to let go of the attitudes and beliefs that I adapted because of the emotional trauma that I suffered - which are still buried in my subconscious until I became willing to look at them and let them go.
Working on my recovery, I am better able to notice my character defects, short-comings, negative thoughts, anger, and personality flaws. When we are honest with ourselves we gain the capacity for positive change to occur. Our desire for positive change helps us to feel better about ourselves. We become more aware of our true person, enabling us to have the opportunity to make the required changes necessary to grow in our recovery. I will not fear life anymore. Instead I will challenge it.
Please chiynita do what ever it takes to get help. I hate seeing another addict suffer as much as you have. Please for all of us. Get the help you need to get better.
Ivan
let it grow!
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 15,540
support to ya, chiy. it's not so easy for women to find free resources, is it? we sure do run into that with our daughter, anyway. i always say if i won the lottery, the first thing i would do is start up a similar program as the the salv army program for women and their children...
Looking For Myself...Sober
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
Posts: 10,209
I havent been to sleep yet. Cant get there. I am so dead tired. I will lay down and nod off for like a few minutes then wake right back up.
My head is pounding so bad. It is making ym ears hurt.
I am going to probably try and sleep all day. Which I hate to do. But I cant even focus at all right now.
I did have homemade chipped beef gravy on toast for breakfast. So that was good.
Gonna lay down yall.
Thx again for getting me through hell last night. I really thought I was goin to pick that phone up.
My head is pounding so bad. It is making ym ears hurt.
I am going to probably try and sleep all day. Which I hate to do. But I cant even focus at all right now.
I did have homemade chipped beef gravy on toast for breakfast. So that was good.
Gonna lay down yall.
Thx again for getting me through hell last night. I really thought I was goin to pick that phone up.
Resident
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Toronto, Ontario
Posts: 4,150
Good morning Trish. Glad you resisted the calling.
I remember when I quit meth a while back the coming down was hell for a long time so I feel for you but admire your strength.
It is good that you are eating. The worst may well be over so hang in there and let's hope for some good news on Monday. :ghug
I remember when I quit meth a while back the coming down was hell for a long time so I feel for you but admire your strength.
It is good that you are eating. The worst may well be over so hang in there and let's hope for some good news on Monday. :ghug
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Posts: 1,397
Originally Posted by chiynita 
I havent been to sleep yet. Cant get there. I am so dead tired. I will lay down and nod off for like a few minutes then wake right back up.
My head is pounding so bad. It is making ym ears hurt.
I am going to probably try and sleep all day. Which I hate to do. But I cant even focus at all right now.
I did have homemade chipped beef gravy on toast for breakfast. So that was good.
Gonna lay down yall.
Thx again for getting me through hell last night. I really thought I was goin to pick that phone up.
My head is pounding so bad. It is making ym ears hurt.
I am going to probably try and sleep all day. Which I hate to do. But I cant even focus at all right now.
I did have homemade chipped beef gravy on toast for breakfast. So that was good.
Gonna lay down yall.
Thx again for getting me through hell last night. I really thought I was goin to pick that phone up.
The chipped beef gravy sounds really good, btw. :-)
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Trish)))
I posted, early this morning when I got home from work, but I haven't got a clue where it went to.
I'm sorry, sweetie, really sorry. The only thing I can add to the great advice and support here, is that even though you know yourself (and this, I have no doubt)..just because you've done something, every time in the past...doesn't mean you will do it this time.
I'd been doing things the same way, too (not just concerning drugs) for 45+ years when I realized I was actually making changes. Maybe I grew up a bit? Maybe I just got tired of doing things the old way? He!!, who knows?
I totally understand what you're saying. I'm just saying give yourself a chance. Just because we've done the same thing 1000 times, doesn't mean we'll do it the 1001st time, too. Dont' sell yourself short, okay?
Hugs, prayers, and lots of love!
Amy
I posted, early this morning when I got home from work, but I haven't got a clue where it went to.
I'm sorry, sweetie, really sorry. The only thing I can add to the great advice and support here, is that even though you know yourself (and this, I have no doubt)..just because you've done something, every time in the past...doesn't mean you will do it this time.
I'd been doing things the same way, too (not just concerning drugs) for 45+ years when I realized I was actually making changes. Maybe I grew up a bit? Maybe I just got tired of doing things the old way? He!!, who knows?
I totally understand what you're saying. I'm just saying give yourself a chance. Just because we've done the same thing 1000 times, doesn't mean we'll do it the 1001st time, too. Dont' sell yourself short, okay?
Hugs, prayers, and lots of love!
Amy
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Western N.Y.
Posts: 595
Chiynita, Hang in here with me so I can share a part of my experience.
I existed for around 10 years for want of a better description, in a self imposed prison
so I could get what I needed at the time. Where violence is the power that rules,
I had to change and lose who I really was, but first I had to talk and convince myself into really believing this, before I could make others think I was tougher than I was. In truth it really was the strongest who survived. I could not show any weakness at all, or allow myself to be intimidated, and had to take a few beatings, but I never gave in, or quit. At times to survive, and without getting to close I tried to find others to cover my back, and maybe for a short time I did, till the time came when I didn't see them around anymore, but trying to still survive, they were soon forgotten.
When I finally couldn't take any more pain and I tried to get and stay clean, I kept failing.
To survive where I was, I had lived a lie of who I was for to many years, If I was ever going to find recovery I had to try and remember what I used to be like, and who I used to be. One at a time the walls had to all be taken down, all the defenses had to be disarmed, I had to change my attitude from hard headed know it all, to being open minded, from being stubborn to willing to change and listen. The same attributes that at one time might have served me well, would now just keep me in the past, and were no longer needed in my future.
My hope is, it might be related to, when it is shown how negative repeated self talk influences our thinking and as "we are what we think" by reinforcing our failures, and attitudes of what we used to be like and how we used act can keep us stuck in our old mindset and not allowing us to change. May your higher power grant you what you need.
I existed for around 10 years for want of a better description, in a self imposed prison
so I could get what I needed at the time. Where violence is the power that rules,
I had to change and lose who I really was, but first I had to talk and convince myself into really believing this, before I could make others think I was tougher than I was. In truth it really was the strongest who survived. I could not show any weakness at all, or allow myself to be intimidated, and had to take a few beatings, but I never gave in, or quit. At times to survive, and without getting to close I tried to find others to cover my back, and maybe for a short time I did, till the time came when I didn't see them around anymore, but trying to still survive, they were soon forgotten.
When I finally couldn't take any more pain and I tried to get and stay clean, I kept failing.
To survive where I was, I had lived a lie of who I was for to many years, If I was ever going to find recovery I had to try and remember what I used to be like, and who I used to be. One at a time the walls had to all be taken down, all the defenses had to be disarmed, I had to change my attitude from hard headed know it all, to being open minded, from being stubborn to willing to change and listen. The same attributes that at one time might have served me well, would now just keep me in the past, and were no longer needed in my future.
My hope is, it might be related to, when it is shown how negative repeated self talk influences our thinking and as "we are what we think" by reinforcing our failures, and attitudes of what we used to be like and how we used act can keep us stuck in our old mindset and not allowing us to change. May your higher power grant you what you need.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Western N.Y.
Posts: 595
Sea Horse, You are correct in noticing the similarities. The book was influenced by the fact that the idea of mind over self, not only goes back to the Bible, it is the basis and supported by many of the other religions of this world.
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