What else do I have to do? I am just so tired of it.
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I think you've zigged when you should have zagged here Jim.
Twice now, in the last week, Chiy has been in a facility - and been let down by insurance.
Dunno if read the backstory, but this is not another one of those threads filled with excuses IMO.
D
Twice now, in the last week, Chiy has been in a facility - and been let down by insurance.
Dunno if read the backstory, but this is not another one of those threads filled with excuses IMO.
D
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Posts: 2,299
Trish-this whole situation just stinks.Royally.You have tried so damn hard and I think it's utterly unfair that you've been treated this way.
As to the miracle thing?I guess it happens to some and not to others and I don't know why either.But I don't know that we need a miracle as such-we just want to be free of our addiction and i DO believe that when are willing and will do whatever it takes-like you're prepared to do, something will happen to help us.
I know it doesn't look that way to you right now and I'm so sorry.I feel your desperation and if I could do something to help I would.You are doing everything you can and I have to believe something will change for you soon.Don't give up.You're worth so much more than the hell on the streets.
I'm thinking of you,
Julesxox
As to the miracle thing?I guess it happens to some and not to others and I don't know why either.But I don't know that we need a miracle as such-we just want to be free of our addiction and i DO believe that when are willing and will do whatever it takes-like you're prepared to do, something will happen to help us.
I know it doesn't look that way to you right now and I'm so sorry.I feel your desperation and if I could do something to help I would.You are doing everything you can and I have to believe something will change for you soon.Don't give up.You're worth so much more than the hell on the streets.
I'm thinking of you,
Julesxox
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Join Date: May 2008
Location: NY
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What a question Trish. Why haven't you been given the miracle? I don't think anyone is qualified to answer that. That's kind of a why me question and there are some things we just aren't able to know. I too for many years cried out for help and I have no idea why I was able to quit this time, but I didn't cry out this time either. Who knows if it will stick forever, but I'll take it for now.
Looking For Myself...Sober
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Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
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I am not saying oh why me either. Or poor me. I am far from a self pityer.
I passed by help many times in the past. And now I guess I am really goin to have to work for it. Or maybe it is a test to see how bad I want it.
No I will never give up trying. But dam. Its like if I knew then what I know now kinda thing.
Ok I am goin to quit complaining and just shut up for now.
Its not doing any good. I am goin to still go to the IOP appt. And maybe try and figure a way I can make it to where I have to stay commited. Like maybe I could have their transportation pick me up everyday instead of relying on myself to get me there. If they were to come get me I would have to go..Right?
I know what type of spoiled brat I am is all I am saying. I cant rely on myself. As pitiful as that is. Its the truth.
I passed by help many times in the past. And now I guess I am really goin to have to work for it. Or maybe it is a test to see how bad I want it.
No I will never give up trying. But dam. Its like if I knew then what I know now kinda thing.
Ok I am goin to quit complaining and just shut up for now.
Its not doing any good. I am goin to still go to the IOP appt. And maybe try and figure a way I can make it to where I have to stay commited. Like maybe I could have their transportation pick me up everyday instead of relying on myself to get me there. If they were to come get me I would have to go..Right?
I know what type of spoiled brat I am is all I am saying. I cant rely on myself. As pitiful as that is. Its the truth.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
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I used to pray for miracles too Trish. Nothing came to me - in the end I took action. I think now looking back that's what I was meant to do.
If all else fails with the insurance - go to the free rehabs like the Salvos as soon as you can. Just don't use while you're waiting.
D
If all else fails with the insurance - go to the free rehabs like the Salvos as soon as you can. Just don't use while you're waiting.
D
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Join Date: May 2008
Location: NY
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Okay I totally didn't mean you were pitying yourself Trish. I just said that question is relating to the other. Sorry you took it that way, but I KNOW you don't feel pity on yourself. I think you are sometimes too hard on yourself in my opinion. I know many of us on SR think highly of you, but when it is mentioned you become a bit angry. You act like you don't deserve it and sorry, but I think you deserve to be drug free and to have a good life. This is an opinion I will stick by.
trying to get it right
Join Date: Jan 2009
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chiynita
i do not know you but have read your posts! you give alot of hope and inspiration to me and others!
i am so sorry you are having such a hard time? it just not seem fair? wish i could make things better for! you are a beautiful person inside and out! you deserve the best for YOU!
my thoughts and prayers are with you sweetie!
i am so sorry you are having such a hard time? it just not seem fair? wish i could make things better for! you are a beautiful person inside and out! you deserve the best for YOU!
my thoughts and prayers are with you sweetie!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
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There is nothing to get
Originally Posted by chiynita 
And I wanted to mention this earlier but kept forgetting.
When we had our AA meeting last night. 2 outside people came in. And both said they fell to their knees in total desperation and pled God to help them. Fisrt I want to say thins has nothing to do with AA or NA. I am just saying thats where I heard this.
And I heard on sober house last night too. And in other places that these people fell to their knees and just cried out for Gods help and they got it.
I ahve done that more times than I can count. So why cant I get it?
I have ciried my little heart out in complete and total desperation for anyone to help me. To guide me to just show me a way. And I do put forth an effort to some extent. But I never get that life changing miracle they talk about. I dont get it.
So now I am left to fend for myself. Not even therapist, Dr's or counselors can get me help. So I mean...What is wrong with me?
When we had our AA meeting last night. 2 outside people came in. And both said they fell to their knees in total desperation and pled God to help them. Fisrt I want to say thins has nothing to do with AA or NA. I am just saying thats where I heard this.
And I heard on sober house last night too. And in other places that these people fell to their knees and just cried out for Gods help and they got it.
I ahve done that more times than I can count. So why cant I get it?
I have ciried my little heart out in complete and total desperation for anyone to help me. To guide me to just show me a way. And I do put forth an effort to some extent. But I never get that life changing miracle they talk about. I dont get it.
So now I am left to fend for myself. Not even therapist, Dr's or counselors can get me help. So I mean...What is wrong with me?
There is more to the "miracle" than just wanting it.
The last three years or so of my drinking, I wanted to get sober. The consequences were horrific, both for me and the ones who loved me. I felt like the lowest piece of you-know-what on the planet. I was going to AA meetings, but I couldn't stay sober. Yet I met the membership requirement, you know the desire to stop drinking.
You see I did want sobriety, but it was on my terms. I had reservations. The help had to be the kind of help I wanted. There was the "I'll do anything but that" kind of mentality going on.
Two months before I got sober, I came to in a flea bag motel room after a four day bender. I couldn't go home because I wasn't welcome there. My own aunt & uncle wouldn't let me come to their house on Thanksgiving Day. I had ran out people and I was out of money, booze, time, and luck. And I had ran out of places to go. So I called AA. Two guys Twelfth-Stepped me and brought me to an AA meeting. I had a little drinking left to do, but I had entered into a new state. I only know this in retrospect, but I had became willing to go anywhere or do anything to not to have to live the way I was living anymore.
So, I'll repeat what I said earlier. Just give it up. Stop wanting this deal on your terms. I am not saying this to be cruel, but from all your previous posts this is what I see.
Jim
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Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Pugetopolis
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Originally Posted by Dee74
I think you've zigged when you should have zagged here Jim.
Twice now, in the last week, Chiy has been in a facility - and been let down by insurance.
Dunno if read the backstory, but this is not another one of those threads filled with excuses IMO.
D
Twice now, in the last week, Chiy has been in a facility - and been let down by insurance.
Dunno if read the backstory, but this is not another one of those threads filled with excuses IMO.
D
I realize that Dee. I don't believe Chiy is making excuses. But I thank you for your concern.
I know it can be frustrating. But I also know from experience that if a person is willing to just let go and let the surrender process take them where it may, anyone can recover without insurance, treatment, or even without money, a place to live, or a car. I've seen it happen many times.
Jim
Looking For Myself...Sober
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I know HL..And I posted that part before you posted yours. I saw what you posted and added on to mine. I know you didnt mean that. I dont take compliments well. Your right. Its hard to explain why. I know I deserve it or I wouldnt be stressin myself out like I am to try and make something happen. Geez..I would have said good..free pass a long time ago. This feels way different this time. At least I think it does. I hope it does.
I am going to let it go for now. I cant take it anymore. I am buggin on something I cant do anything about right now.
I called Salvation Army when Anna gave me the listings and they only offer service to men. If its not one thing its another. Boy..I agree Dee..I am goin to have to work for this one. And maybe your right. MAybe thats how its meant to be. I have had it easy for way to long and been lucky in the streets. So I guess having to work my ass off for this is a blessing.
Sure doesnt feel like itnright now tho.
I am going to let it go for now. I cant take it anymore. I am buggin on something I cant do anything about right now.
I called Salvation Army when Anna gave me the listings and they only offer service to men. If its not one thing its another. Boy..I agree Dee..I am goin to have to work for this one. And maybe your right. MAybe thats how its meant to be. I have had it easy for way to long and been lucky in the streets. So I guess having to work my ass off for this is a blessing.
Sure doesnt feel like itnright now tho.
Looking For Myself...Sober
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Join Date: Mar 2007
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I appreciate what your saying Jim...But again I will say. I know how I operate. And the help I am seeking is not typical to anything I do. Its not what I want. If it were up to me. I would half step the IOp and half step everything else I have always done. I know how I am. I can not be trusted. My addiction can not be trusted. And I guess I just feel like I have to be locked away safe from mysefl for now. If that makes sense. I ahev waken up in alot of nasty places and been to many many lows with nowhere to go. I have many things happen where most people would have hung it up long ago. I dont think I have a bottom to drive me to that ah ha moment. I just know I need help. Help that will have to be mixed with intensive sturcture and dicipline. Thats my point. I am all for any help. But I also know I get in my way alot. And as bad as I want help right now. I know know me. Bottom line. I dont trust myself. No matter how desperate I am.
But thank you for sharing. I get it. Or maybe I dont. But I know what it takes for me to get commited. Especially early on.
I have to be really honest with myself. And that is the number one thing I need to be honest about. Is that I cant be trusted. I amy feel all desperate now. But what about a week or a month from now? I may get that everything is ok feeling and thinking. But I know its all BS.
But thank you for sharing. I get it. Or maybe I dont. But I know what it takes for me to get commited. Especially early on.
I have to be really honest with myself. And that is the number one thing I need to be honest about. Is that I cant be trusted. I amy feel all desperate now. But what about a week or a month from now? I may get that everything is ok feeling and thinking. But I know its all BS.
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Join Date: May 2008
Location: NY
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"MAybe thats how its meant to be. I have had it easy for way to long and been lucky in the streets. So I guess having to work my ass off for this is a blessing.
Sure doesnt feel like itnright now tho."
See Trish - I haven't been on SR much lately, but this is the wisest thing I've read in a long time. "Maybe that's how its meant to be." That is usually a perspective that is gained after looking back on a situation from quite a distance in the future and you already grasped it. I applaud that Trish. Let's just take care of you for now and I agree you will find the solution. I have no doubt whatsoever my friend. No doubt!
Sure doesnt feel like itnright now tho."
See Trish - I haven't been on SR much lately, but this is the wisest thing I've read in a long time. "Maybe that's how its meant to be." That is usually a perspective that is gained after looking back on a situation from quite a distance in the future and you already grasped it. I applaud that Trish. Let's just take care of you for now and I agree you will find the solution. I have no doubt whatsoever my friend. No doubt!
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Join Date: Apr 2006
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Hi Chiy,
I hope you didn't think I was getting on your case. You just remind me a lot of myself in the latter days of drinking.
I didn't trust myself either. But I did trust the man who I had asked to sponsor me and I trusted the process.
You mentioned letting it go. That's good. You also mentioned working for it. That is what I meant by there is more to wanting it.
But since you want an inpatient facility, have you looked into any of your state's social services or to an organization such as Catholic Community Services? I do know that CCS may be able to at least give you some leads for resources that are out there.
Jim
I hope you didn't think I was getting on your case. You just remind me a lot of myself in the latter days of drinking.
I didn't trust myself either. But I did trust the man who I had asked to sponsor me and I trusted the process.
You mentioned letting it go. That's good. You also mentioned working for it. That is what I meant by there is more to wanting it.
But since you want an inpatient facility, have you looked into any of your state's social services or to an organization such as Catholic Community Services? I do know that CCS may be able to at least give you some leads for resources that are out there.
Jim
Looking For Myself...Sober
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Join Date: Mar 2007
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Jim..If it werent for people like yourself getting on my case..I would never get it.
Alot of people get offended. And I get why. I also did when I first came here. But I have learned that its usually what I think I dont like is usually what I need to hear.
I am a big girl I can take it.
And I have gotten that tough talk for awhile. And honestly. Its the only thing that gets through to me soemtimes. So I pay close attention to those who come at me harder than others.
You didnt disrespect me and you were sharing your experience. Thats what your suppose to do. What I do with it is on me. And I didnt take it wrong in any way.
Well guys..I have made myself tired of me whining. Thx again for puttin up with my bratty self. I am goin to drop it for now. Nothing I can do until Monday either way.
So I am goin to just be glad I am not feeling th eurges now and relax. Chat some and read some. Love you guys forever.
Alot of people get offended. And I get why. I also did when I first came here. But I have learned that its usually what I think I dont like is usually what I need to hear.
I am a big girl I can take it.
And I have gotten that tough talk for awhile. And honestly. Its the only thing that gets through to me soemtimes. So I pay close attention to those who come at me harder than others.
You didnt disrespect me and you were sharing your experience. Thats what your suppose to do. What I do with it is on me. And I didnt take it wrong in any way.
Well guys..I have made myself tired of me whining. Thx again for puttin up with my bratty self. I am goin to drop it for now. Nothing I can do until Monday either way.
So I am goin to just be glad I am not feeling th eurges now and relax. Chat some and read some. Love you guys forever.
Attitude of Gratitude
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Dayton, Ohio
Posts: 2,305
And now I guess I am really goin to have to work for it. Or maybe it is a test to see how bad I want it.
Ok, you said you don't trust yourself, you know that you will find excuses to not go (gas money, don't feel like going . . ) but that was then, this is now!!! I was always the exact same way for me before this last time in IOP. The other times, I had a car, had a husband and son at home to get me up and out of bed, had plenty of money for gas, didn't have the physical problems I have now . . . but I always found some reason to not go. But here's what was different, I didn't want it like I did in July of 2005. I had to get up out of bed every morning at 4:00am to just be able to get my teeth brushed and dressed to be at the bus stop by 6:00 am. I took three buses to the worst end of town and then walked for 9/10 of a mile to get to IOP. And this was with having the physical pain that I have also. But I was willing to go to any length to get help! And to get detoxed? I had to be at the hospital every morning by 6:00 am and waited just to be told around 4:00 pm, sorry, no beds, come back tomorrow. So, I went back the next day, same thing, then I went back again, same thing, . . . .I finally got into detox. I had to fight, just like you are going to have to do!
Trish, I have sat here and racked my brain for the past week trying to think of how you can get into inpatient, just like so many others are here on SR.
You know, we don't always get what we Pray for, exactly like we want it. You've been Praying for help, well, the help is available. Unfortunately it's not in the exact form you want it. I imagine this isn't going to make you too happy when I say that, but I know you can do it this way. It's just time for you to start believing in yourself!
How bad do you want this? You said you are willing to go to any length.
God Bless,
Judy
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Join Date: Nov 2006
Posts: 1,397
Originally Posted by chiynita
Jim..If it werent for people like yourself getting on my case..I would never get it.
Alot of people get offended. And I get why. I also did when I first came here. But I have learned that its usually what I think I dont like is usually what I need to hear.
I am a big girl I can take it.
And I have gotten that tough talk for awhile. And honestly. Its the only thing that gets through to me soemtimes. So I pay close attention to those who come at me harder than others.
You didnt disrespect me and you were sharing your experience. Thats what your suppose to do. What I do with it is on me. And I didnt take it wrong in any way.
Well guys..I have made myself tired of me whining. Thx again for puttin up with my bratty self. I am goin to drop it for now. Nothing I can do until Monday either way.
So I am goin to just be glad I am not feeling th eurges now and relax. Chat some and read some. Love you guys forever.
Alot of people get offended. And I get why. I also did when I first came here. But I have learned that its usually what I think I dont like is usually what I need to hear.
I am a big girl I can take it.
And I have gotten that tough talk for awhile. And honestly. Its the only thing that gets through to me soemtimes. So I pay close attention to those who come at me harder than others.
You didnt disrespect me and you were sharing your experience. Thats what your suppose to do. What I do with it is on me. And I didnt take it wrong in any way.
Well guys..I have made myself tired of me whining. Thx again for puttin up with my bratty self. I am goin to drop it for now. Nothing I can do until Monday either way.
So I am goin to just be glad I am not feeling th eurges now and relax. Chat some and read some. Love you guys forever.
Keep the faith, and keep us all posted.
Liz
Looking For Myself...Sober
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Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
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I get what your saying too SQ.
And I am goin to go to IOP. But how effective and how commited I stay is questionable.
Liek I said. I know how I operate. Becasue I feel like this now. Doesnt mean I will have that same drive down the road.
I will give 110 % at anything i try. But after awhile. I know I will get that everything is fine now mentality. And when left to my own choices like that. Histiry says I am goin to get lazy and feel like I got it down after awhile and just go about life and not finish. I am stubborn and hard headed and I get a big head after awhile. Too confident and comfortable. I am not dsaying that will happen this time or next time or anytime. I just am goin from past experience. I need structure and dicipline to avoid even a chance of any of that happening.
But like I said. I am lettign it go for now., I intend on doing what I am told. And how it all unfolds is still up in the air.
And I also have no problem with you saying anything you said. I am not in a sensitive state. I am in a real honst and open minded frame of mind. So I get it.
I am not playing this time. I am dead ass serious. So no..You said nothing I took affense to.
Thank you for your support and wisdom. And I am goin to do just that. Try it out and see what happens. MAybe I am panicing for nothing. I may just commit this time. Because I sure as hell have never in my life fought this long and hard for anything liek this before. And its onyl been a week.
So that says alot to myself.
And I am goin to go to IOP. But how effective and how commited I stay is questionable.
Liek I said. I know how I operate. Becasue I feel like this now. Doesnt mean I will have that same drive down the road.
I will give 110 % at anything i try. But after awhile. I know I will get that everything is fine now mentality. And when left to my own choices like that. Histiry says I am goin to get lazy and feel like I got it down after awhile and just go about life and not finish. I am stubborn and hard headed and I get a big head after awhile. Too confident and comfortable. I am not dsaying that will happen this time or next time or anytime. I just am goin from past experience. I need structure and dicipline to avoid even a chance of any of that happening.
But like I said. I am lettign it go for now., I intend on doing what I am told. And how it all unfolds is still up in the air.
And I also have no problem with you saying anything you said. I am not in a sensitive state. I am in a real honst and open minded frame of mind. So I get it.
I am not playing this time. I am dead ass serious. So no..You said nothing I took affense to.
Thank you for your support and wisdom. And I am goin to do just that. Try it out and see what happens. MAybe I am panicing for nothing. I may just commit this time. Because I sure as hell have never in my life fought this long and hard for anything liek this before. And its onyl been a week.
So that says alot to myself.
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