WLDKATZ

had a long talk with a very good friend of mine yesterday ( FYI he is gay......which is something I love about him) he has this way about him that you can only find in older gay men.....they speak their minds and be damned of the repercussions......he told me " darling you need a moto a charge if you will" I was like what are you talking about T he went on to say" In my darkest hour when family and so called friends were bringing me down I would always repeat my saying to myself over and over ( His is "I'm here and queer deal with it") so I got to thinking, ok I know he isnt talking about my sexual orentation but a mental charge for myself and the only one I keep thinking on is " I am in pain and cant shut off my brain"!!!!!!!!!!! ever wish you could just wake up from a night mere to find out everything is really ok??? That is where I am at.....thanks for the wishes and prayers I really apprecitate them ad do my Edward and Family!


Love and Hugs,
Pamm

WLDKATZ

took my first ride out tonight.......had to go to the store didnt want to ask Edward to walk down to it seeing as he has 4 projects due for school and he has 3 classes tonight and low and behold T ( my friend I was talking about earlier) calls and said hey girl what ya doin.....we talked for a few and he was telling me about his insurance not covering his vicodin( was in a car accident and pulled the nerves and tendon on the right side of his neck and shoulder when he was trying to protect his face) until the 28th, told him not to worry I have tons of em cuse I dont take pills unless I have too.....so told him make ya a deal come get me and take me to kroger, he was like ok I'll be right there....and was......so we took our time and he just let me slowly walk and talk....this is after he gets me in the store and tells me I look like ****.......he is so sweet and truthful......it was cool sort of in a depressing sort of way.............LOL until he started checking out the stock boys and I got one of their phone numbers for him.......I know that guy thought it was for me........lol
I have to get rid of this baby stuff........it is driving me insane their beds are at the head of our bed I cant look any where.......momma will handle it I know, just dont want her to have to deal with it eaither.........
my pills kicked in I am going to bed, I am tired...night all


Love ,
Pamm

MsChief

When I read some of the other threads I was thinking that perhaps you had had a relapse. I have not been attending meeetings recently as I have been suffering from agorophobia, with 10 years sobriety. I thought I had done my steps thoroughly and wondered why I was suffering, once gain, with this crippling fear. Now I am trying to get back into AA and keep taking one day at a time. I didn't drink, but that is only an arm's length away. Love and prayers are with you.

WLDKATZ

I tried the meeting thing and it just didnt work for me, yes I too have agoraphobia, it is more crippling to me than my drug addiction but today is day 643 I believe of being clean......no one knows the whys or hows of agora it just "happens"......have you been to see anyone about it? They have my caseworker/shrink come to my house so I dont have to leave it......I am able to make small trips out of my house now but mostly with the help of my xanax and ablify...........relapse for me isnt in my future.....I have too many health problems that it would only make me die quicker........I dont want that eaither.......so take a page from my book....post here on SR as much as you want doesnt matter if you are pi#sy, happy sad what ever I have always p[osted about every aspect of my life.......these are my meetings and they are the only way I ever reached my sobrity and let me find me again!

Good Luck and Best wishes!
Pamm

WLDKATZ

you know life has its ups and downs right? I am sitting here trying not to flip out.....worrying about tomarrow and the byopsys and all......My (legal) husband is starting **** ie....using my social security number, DL numbers and stuff to get phone and cable services.....and here I sit trying my best to make this Man beside me my legal husband.....we have lived as man and wife for almost forever it seems............my marriage lasted for 7 hours then he shipped out ( FYI I didnt know he had joined up) but I was cool after all it was to support his family and become a "better" man ( WHAT A JOKE).....put it simply he found out it was really hard work, boot camp at that......and he Bit*hed out.........they sent him home for 6 weeks to get his head right. Left again and told me he was going to finish boot camp and go live with a chick he had met on line in St louis........I was like WTF I have supported you kept a roof over your head ect.......I was the only one with access to his accounts.....every penny he earned in boot camp as well as the bonuses he made I took every penny.................when he had been at home he decided it was time to finally buy a house...in my name of course.....I paid off that house......never looked back I left 100 bucks a month to live on........I went to the recruter and said I need you to look at this......laid it all out for him how I was going threw my first round of chemo and all of the stuff that was going on and R's letters to me saying he was going to live with this woman and all of the other BS.....I showed where he wasnt financially able to make the decisions to run his let alone our families lives, the military backed with me seeing as he and I had been married 1 day before he shipped out and had lived together 5 years before that.....I had already given up my resturant ect.....to be the proper wife ect.......I lost my son to sids......R didnt take it well he started having all sorts of phantom pains and crap.......by the time R decided to Bit*h totally out the army was so pissed Ihe had recieved over 200K in bonuses and such ( he worked as a programer in chemical warfare----ie a highly dangerous job).......I had the house paid two new cars his and hers my sons funeral paid for ect.....I did the right thing I staied there I was the MAN and the WIFE.....I did all of it without and of his enotional support at all, now I wont bitc! too much about that seeing as he wasnt being a man in the first place, he couldnt of been he wanted to be with someone else and not me......I have delt with it all I finally moved on, messed up how I kicked him out of MY house ( hes the one who said put it in my name) but he was given 72 hours by my (AT THE TIME ) boyfriend.......he(the BF) was my bottem.......he was a VERY ABUSIVE crackhead.........R left runningI went back to R's recruiter with everything of his that was in the home and I told him I couldnt do it anymore he wanted to keep going on and on without trying at all I was moving on and he had forgotten some stuff........what no one but my mom and the guy who was suppose to be my BF knew is he was only acting like he was.....later he finally did become so much to my life long regret.......

For the past 5 years I have begged for an anulment only to find out too much time had passed, then the divorice......only for me to get fake addresses and phone numbers.....so today.......first time I have seen him on line since I had him busted for using my soc sec Numbers ect....I sent him a message.....I just want my divorce...........he replied I dont think so....I will fight it until the end of my life....I hear your heading for surgery next week, maybe the life insurance policy I hold on you will finally pay off.......HUH!?!?!?!? I told him it wouldnt happen so I contacted his recruter again ( he is still in the military I no longer have access to his money or accounts when I gave up his stuff I gave that up as well) I was told Pamm he has had a huge policey on you since the day you were married you are the wife of an Officer what is going on...........I spilled told him everything sent copies of the e mails ect......know what I was told.....I was entitled to the medical and other benifits a wife of an officer has deserved as well as matinance pay.........lost my mind...........still am a bit told him about the loans that have been taken out R setting the other 2 houses on fire all of it....He said he was going to start some paper work to find out if at any time he used my info on the base housing if so THEY would press charges against him because he is claiming that he and I are still together and getting the money under my name and everything.........I am so damn confused.......all I know is I want my divorce......Edward and I are happy together hell we are perfect for each other...........I just dont know where to go now with this bs on my mind.................
ANY suggestions?



Love
Pamm

parentrecovers

hey katzy, i suggest you just rest and take care of your health. hugs and prayers, k

WLDKATZ

thanks PT it is like things finally clear off my desk then it is on to the next Drama session......remember when I first signed up I said I wanted to live Drama free? WTH happened there?!?!?
it has been nothing but drama ever since...............go figure


Love ya,
Pamm

PS and I know you are right.....I just need to deal with me right now and the babies and health matters.....just killed me to know that I had better medical insurance and would of had better resorces......just second and third guessing again I guess.....

Impurrfect

(((Pamm)))

What's done is done, sweetie..can't go back and get what you "had", although I know it would make me mad, too.

However, you don't need to dwell on that, right now. Just take care of you, and let the military deal with him. They can be pretty harsh on their own, when one of their guys screws up.

BTW..got my car back, and they said "that will be $500"....WTF!??! Had to pay the deductible and wait to get it back from the other insurance company...may be 2 months. Lovely. For some reason, I'm not wigging out about it. Had to put some on a credit card I had JUST paid down, but I had $300 in cash...it was supposed to go to other bills, but I'll just go back to work and make more money. It will be tight for a little while, but I've done pretty darned good managing my money and paying things ahead..not to mention working 6 days/week.

Hang in there, sweetie. Sometimes all we can do is just keep going. Dad's mad as heck at my insurance company, and I'm calm...go figure

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

Rusty Zipper

katz'y, turn the drama into a comedy...

or at least, a comedy/drama

WLDKATZ

you know what I find the saddest about all of this? I made him the bit*h.......you hear of the women who abused the men.......he let me walk all over him......makes me sick now just thinking about it, guess that is why my next relationship I was made to be the welcome mat........karma????
So Glad Edward and I have it worked out ( well sometimes)


thanks you two!
Love yas!
Pamm

WLDKATZ

how do you help the person you love the most when all he wants to do is help you and feels so responcible for me hurting this way, yet he has nothing to do with it??? I am sitting here cant even go to bed because my heart is breaking, I am watching my rock solid Edward cry his eyes out....NOTHING I have ever seen him do not like this not even when we were told about munch........its like he is facing losing it ALL......Lord I wish he wasnt so alone in this world.....without me there is nothing according to him......what do I do what do I say how do I make my baby quit losing his mind and hurtting so bad......please Lord helpp us....we need it bad this time!



pamm

Surlyredhead

((((((Pamm)))))) You are not alone, we are all thinking about you both and sending prayers.

WLDKATZ

wish you were closer would take you up on those hugs!!!


Love,
Pamm

WLDKATZ

hurting really bad, wish I knew the cure all...just want to slep and come out of it awake refreshed and feeling so much better!!!!!



pamm

Aysha

You will get there. Just take it easy. Glad to see you hon.

Rusty Zipper

katzy, member what we yap'd about today...

and when all else fails, have a cheesebawga!

j/k

keep that faith!

warrens

Pamm

I don't know that we've ever "talked." I just relooked at this thread after a long absence. I am vaguely aware of your "journey" of the last year.

Is this perhaps a time to focus somewhat on gratitude? I recently lost the love of my life. I think that she had so many issues of her own, that she couldn't quite "own" mine, too. At least for now. I don't blame her.

That you can empathize with your man, in the midst of your crises, is a great testament to you. And him. Be grateful for at least that.

Be strong, be well, and be grateful. Nothing you are experiencing or feeling is "abnormal." It is the sign of a very caring, very unselfish woman in recovery. As you know, active addicts are self centered, not by choice, but by definition. That ain't you.

warren

WLDKATZ

thanks so much.......i do appreciate it all greatly!


Pamm

Rusty Zipper

****{Katz'y}}}

lunarise

Katz~ I am so sorry for all that you have been through and that you are still having to deal with more. If you are really thinking of hurting yourself please confide in someone trained in Crisis Management. I cant imagine what you are going through, but you seem far from a selfish person and we all know that using and suicide are both very selfish. I am not trying to say that you dont need some comfort but we both know those two things wont really bring comfort. Instead try and focus on what you DO have and try to take extra special care of yourself. Find those things that will help you keep your perspective far from giving up. I wish you nothing but the best....my thoughts are with you.

:ghug3