espresso

Pammi, don't give up. Does Edward know how you're really feeling? Is there someone you can talk to who will just listen to you? Maybe you should scream - you know a safe scream into a pillow which you can pound, throw, curse at and who cares if it goes on for an hour? Sounds like you really need to talk to someone because this is about you and what you're going through.

You know that using will only give you another problem, and from everything you've posted in the last few months, I don't think you really want to use - you've been so adamant about staying clean one day at a time. Do you have a Sponsor to talk to even if it's just about your recovery?

I can't imagine what you must be going through but I understand your rage and frustration with everything. I could say it'll only get better, but quite frankly if I was in your current position I'd just laugh. Platitudes you don't need. I haven't been in your situation but I have had really awful periods in Life - and I got through them and you will Pammi because you are a survivor, you are strong and you inspire others with your determination and perseverance. Don't lose Hope; if we don't have that, everything goes down the plug hole.

Love and Hugs
:ghug

WLDKATZ

so sorry to make you think that about me unfourtunately I am too strong of a person to cop out.....and that is all suicide is is a cop out..............life isnt fair and it is a bitc! but I take it as it comes at me........thanks for worrying though I was just venting a bit.....


Pamm

Rusty Zipper

katzy nah, unk would be up there with achain saw!

you'll get a break dear katzy, just i cant tell you when, nor can you...

you'll get it tho, just kep that faith little chic'y!

and the happiness, that, as you know, comes from within!

nope, our katzy aint a quitter!

loads of love

unk

ps, dont get po'd at me for being happy lol

espresso

Me? I didn't think that, I just thought you might want to talk to someone and have a good scream.

WLDKATZ

I do Espresso.......I truely do, just not sure where to start or how to end............right now thinking that I should just bawl!...................go figure........life is just sucking...........

espresso

Just do it..what's the worst that could happen? The neighbors think a cat's choir has moved in, so what? You having a good bawl will make you feel a whole lot better
oxo
:ghug3

WLDKATZ

thanks hon just called my gf shes comming to get me for some retail therapy.............lol

espresso

Well that's OK cos you can bawl and scream at all the prices of things!!!
Have a great time

WLDKATZ

thanks............just want to get away from it all today....you know the everything that is "normal" ie the drs parmaseys needles all of that crap......want to focus on JUST me for a change......Edward has been doing nothing for day but keeping his nose burried into the damn computer and now it is all about when his homework is due and stuff like that I just want to scream at him you just sat here beside me hearing my side of the conversation with the surgon and yet you dont know anything that is going on with me.....in ways he is so one sided......if it doesnt effect him it doesnt bother him....I kleep thinking that if I was dead he would just keep going on, sad part is is that he has said as much to me, yet I know he loves me......just wish I could check out of it all......just for awwhile........i want to be normal again just me healthy and happy again....I miss that, I miss knowing that when he comes home I will be all over him like white on rice.......now he cannot even stand being in the same room with me and I guess that makes it so much harder......I know this whole thing has been about me and what I want and what I need but right now I am feeling really fragile and needy and dont really feel like I am getting any support about it...........oh well......life is a bitch!


Pamm

WLDKATZ

you know what is so cool about this site unk? When your loved it truely shows.......thanks for having my back! I love you!



Love and Hugs,
Pamm

Impurrfect

Good to see you back, Pamm!

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

Rusty Zipper

yeah, it do katzy, yeah it do!

WLDKATZ

thanks sis saw that and commented to it but damn dont ya know it magically vanished, it is that little green person again.......wonder if there is a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow..........lol

I love ya Unk!



Love and Hugs,
Pamm

WLDKATZ

the sun will come out................when I make it.....lol

WLDKATZ

Thanks but NO WAY IN HEL!!!!!!! I have worked and struggled hard to make it as far as I have on June 11th it will be two years dueing that time I have had 3 children die and all sorts of other ( medical and judicial mostly) things happen but sometimes I do get down, mostly when me and my hubby fight.............well we dont fight we just dont say anything...........but rest asured that the thought of me drinking was and will remain brief........alcohol has never been a big problem to me I gave it up in 2000 when I found out I was diabetic.........sometimes I just want to forget.......and I dont think there is a person on the face of this earth who doesnt feel that way, but thank you for your support!


Pamm

WLDKATZ

First sorry I vented that is why my Unk started this thread!



Sugar ( too low now! I played Dr. Pamm) gone nutties again........lol Dr pi!sy and told him off.......dropped ALL of my meds ( yes the whole damn box) into his lap and said HERE IF I AM GOING TO BE A DR I DONT NEED SH!T FROM YOU he said "Pamm are we having a bad day today?!" I said YES AND YOUR THE CAUSE OF IT, YOU DONT KNOW MY CASE AND YOU HAVE BEEN MY DR FOR YEARS I HAVE OFTEN WONDERED WHY MY MEDICAL IS SO SCREWED NOW I KNOW he said "Huh?" I said I CALLED A PHARMACY AND FOUND OUT THE MOST INSULIN THAT I COULD TAKE AT ANY ONE TIME WAS 300 UNITS A DAY........I TOLD THE PHARMISIST THESE ARE THE INSULINS THAT I HAVE( NAMED OFF ALL 11 OF THEM) WHICH ONE WILL BRING MY SUGAR DOWN THE QUICKEST?! HE TELLS ME THIS ONE AND ASKS ME WHY I TELL HIM ME SUGAR IS SCREAMING IT IS SO HIGH BUT I AM TOO LOW TO BE HOSPITALIZED AGAIN THIS MONTH FOR IT...... Dr looks at me and says "Pamm what have you done..........I showed him my clip board litterly everything has been written down he didnt know I kept a food log he didnt know they had me mesuring my fluid intake and out put ( because of the kidney stones and them not working right) he didnt know not only did I keep a written log of my sugars but also what meds I take each and every day ( ok so I dont have OCD but getting that way I think) it is written on legal paper tablets then goes into a ringed binder.......they stay in the box as well as my glucometer keeps track of it and it is logged into my computer.( Anal I know but it safe guards me! I have had some quacks over the years )

So he looks over everything and says "I can see your mothers nursing slkills comming out in you!" Told him THANKS NOW HOW ABOUT YOU DOING A JOB YOU ARE GETTING VERY GOOD PAY FOR SO I DONT HAVE TO....he was like what do you mean .......I then told him MY SUGAR IS 72........I NEED MY SUGAR STEADY FOR SURGERY AND AFTER CARE MORE THAN THAT I NEED IT SO I CAN KEEP ON LIVING....he was Suprised to say the least because as he later went on to say I am normally a bi!ch but today I was bad enough to put HIM into a bad mood........I told him he should of thought of that while he had me there for a 915 appointment when he knows I dont go to sleep until 4 or 5 in the am only for him to show up at freaking 1220...........it gave me plenty of time to get good and pi!!y.........he said there is someone I want you to talk to I have a nurse who has had sugar problems since she was 13 she may beable to give us some insite.......now I have NO problems with nurses as a matter of fact there isnt very many drs who DO KNOW as much as a good nurse does but all I kept thinking was WTFH!?!?!?!?!?!

In walks this woman whom I have had words with over the years but never met her, she comes in with "ok so I have to tell you how to take your meds and to get your sugar straight" instant attitude, I said NO YOU dont my dr does but for some reason he wants me to TALK with you so talk I will listen, she gets her panties out of a bunch when she realizes I mean business and can take her using cane and all......you may wonder WHY I had NEVER met her in all the years I had been seeing him.........she is the freaking phone receptionist.....ie she answers the phone and sets appointments........HUH..........so she goes on and on.............finally I said look tell dr I need these meds and I am out of here there is NOTHING YOU CAN TELL ME........IE she was telling me to test my sugar 16 to 20 times a day ...............HUH?!?!?!!?!?!? I said YOU NEED TO GO BACK TO SCHOOL AND FIND A NEW HOBBY IF YOU ARE TESTING THAT MUCH!!!!!!!

She got all huffy and in comes my regular nurse and was like WTH was that all about I quickly fill her in and shes like OMG Pamm let me see what you did so she and I sat down and figured it out......it was exactly what I told the other nurse to go out and tell the dr to write me the script for.......guess what my sugar tonight is FINE........GOD I HATE IDIOTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So here Edward and I HAVE AN AWSOME rest of the day together....come home I have to call about surgery tomarrow........HOUSTON WE HAVE A PROBLEM.........Talked to surgon this am she told me to come in 3 hours early she wanted a herprin drip started and some other stuff, hows your sugar told her fine and what had happened all was well.....so I call hospital to find out WHAT TIME the surgery tommarow.....they tell me to be there by 730 am I was like hummmm thats odd I am normally the first one of the day because I have a latex allergy so I was like I dont understand and explained and she like oh no there are 4 surgeries before you you actually go under at 1130 am you may want to call your surgon and tell them
HUH
so call surgon and they said "Pamm did you have this test this test and this test.....?" I said NO no one told me about it why, well you need a cardiac clearence....huh again why?!?!( getting scared now) well we got a copy of your last ekg it was from 8 months ago (phone now goes on speaker and Edward is listening) and the dr said you had to have these tests done before surgery..........YOU ARE TELLING ME I HAVE TO HAVE AMONG OTHER THINGS A FU!!ING STRESS TEST AND ECHO 19 HOURS BEFORE SURGERY?!?!?!?!?!( OK so I am truely spazing out now) .....well you need to call your primary care dr.........NOW I GET TO TALK TO IDIOT NURSE AGAIN I was like Margo just put the fu!!ing dr on the phone or I am comming back down and ALL he!! is breaking lose........totally freaking out.....she goes and gets my GF and fellow nurse J as she ALWAYS does when I call like this.............Pamm what is wrong I vent and let it all out, almost sobbing by this time, mind you this is her second day back to work from having almost the same surgery and she was like I didnt need that ....hang on, no call me on my cell I am going for your chart.....I call and I can hear her saying DR......I NEED to speak to you for a moment then pamm hold on.....she said your going to be with Pamm in surgery tomarrow correct?!? yes...Did you know she needed a cardiac clearence? he was like told Margo to get it......HUH....first I have heard about this, he said didnt she have one.........the next thing I hear is my GF going the hell off.............she was yelling at not only the dr but Margo as well.......she said does she KNOW what the results of her EKG was?!?!?!? NOW I WAS LIKE HUH?!?!?!( totally panicked and half crazy nowEdward is calling momma so she can hear)Dr was like I am almost positive that DR( who had covered for him while he was on vacation and ordered the damn things) had talked to her about it why?!?!?!
Dr gets on the phone.......Pamm what is going on... NOW I am not only scared shi!less I am freaking my dr out and hes ready to admit my going crazy a!!, Edward is going insane hearing all of this on cell phone with momma who is hearing this and I just said I was never told ANYTHING about my EKG what and the he!! are you talking about.......he was like sweetie you had an abnormal EKG..........I thought you had had it retaken when you were pregnant.........now I am popping xanax like candy and my case manager from cmh is knocking on the door, good day for her to meet me for the first time eh?!?!? I just lose it now my momma is using her cell phone to call drs office and all he!! is breaking lose everywhere ppl are screaming, mostly me and momma edward is paceing caseworker is calling in favors and surgery is being called off........so I told Dr to write up the orders and to let me talk to GF She gets back on the phone I was like I am going to call other GF who just transfered to cardiologist office and see if she can get me in, can you be here at 915, I said yes, she said Pamm I will do it all in one day for you.......tomarrow I am looking at over 6 hours worth of heart tests and no one can tell me why or what caused my EKG to be "abnormal"................
called surgon back.........her girl over there said Pamm let me call the hospital I will get the surgery in as soon as possiable, so provided we can get a cardiac clearence now ( mind you I have been in the hospital more than I have been out including this month to have the da!n surgery done sugar screwed me up and didnt need it for other emergancy surgeries in the last year like dog biting off finger tip!) I have surgery now on Monday morning..........................HUH WTFH is going on with Drs now a days?!?!?!?!?!
after getting me calmed down me and new case manager sat down and I bawled for a few and then settled in for a two hour chat and we became fast friends.........so now this has taken me some time to put down cuse been talking to a friend and going out for fried kitty( Chineese).............the kittens and in the dog house litterly.............they decided to pee in mine and Edwards computers.....not sure how but he is PI!SED but I am going to be able to sleep like a babe.......................so night whiners and thanks for letting me lose it here........................


copied so ppl know what I am up too..........again.................night

Love and hugs,
Pamm

laurie6781

Pamm, sweetie, 'back the truck up.' You are NOT being anal. Well if you are then so am I. I do EXACTLY the same thing, and every time I go into Dr all records go with me.

I also agree with you, we not only have to take a VERY ACTIVE role in our diabetes regimen, sometimes we do have to get EXTREMELY P*S*Y to get heard!

Good for you. I like you know, even before I do a glucometer check just about what my bs is doing.

I went through similar several years ago about my gall bladder, which was ready to blow, my surgeon who is a dear friend, his IDIOT nurse who set up the surgery and never scheduled the clearances needed, and yes all h*ll broke loose. Got the surgery rescheduled, went to cardiologist, had to have chemical stress test, as arthritis in knees would not allow me to handle a regular one, and then they procrastinated on getting the clearance to surgeon. Well, thankfully Dr Dave gave me his home phone, and said if I get one more attact, call him, didn't care what time it was and he would meet me at the hospital, clearance or no clearance. I was in tears, ranting, raving, etc I ended up calling him, he met me at hospital surgery was done, just in time, gall bladder was going gangrene and the the attack had started about an hour before the surgery. Yes, nurse in his office was fired.

I can so empathize with you.

Your case is a PRIME EXAMPLE why we as individuals have to do 1/2 of the doctors job and keep very accurate complete records to present each time we see them, and they can still 'screw it up.'

Sweetie I hope you have a good nights sleep.

Sending more prayers and good thoughts to you and Edward.

Love and hugs,

WLDKATZ

Thanks and yeah it does get flusterating like today they did the chemical and all of the other bs that went along with it 3 drs later they are trying to figure out why I was truely there I told em to Pi!s me off...........he just laughed!

WLDKATZ

tired of being sick and tired

WLDKATZ

of being sick and tired