stubborn....day 1 again
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Join Date: Dec 2007
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Originally Posted by coming_clean 
The last few days almost five people have said my eyes are shining and so blue and bright they can't look at them too long..people that don't know i'm in recovery i love this kinda stuff
This sounds silly, but i acually think animals like me more too. Dogs have been coming up to me happy and cuddly, cats come sit on my lap. I always loved animals with all my hart. But being messed up somehow they could feel it i guess, they stayed away. Dogs barking, cats ignoring me etc. etc. Even my pet snake pays more attention to me. Maybe my aura is cleaning up too???
Now i'm off to bed,
This sounds silly, but i acually think animals like me more too. Dogs have been coming up to me happy and cuddly, cats come sit on my lap. I always loved animals with all my hart. But being messed up somehow they could feel it i guess, they stayed away. Dogs barking, cats ignoring me etc. etc. Even my pet snake pays more attention to me. Maybe my aura is cleaning up too???
Now i'm off to bed,
thats cuz we're just so darn happy for ya....
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on a more serious note , I agree with you about your comment about your aura...animals are very sensitive to our energies, that is why dogs know when we are coming home before we get there..I think the animals around you are grooving on the good energy they are feeling from you
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sweet!!! It always hurted me when they walked away or ignored me. As a kid and in my early teens (before the bad stuff) I always had a much stronger connection with animals then with people. Even today I trust them more, they understand unconditional love, but then from nature's point of vieuw ofcourse.
wauw this is day nine allready...gotta go!
wauw this is day nine allready
...gotta go!
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day 10,
Yesteday evening I had a massive PAW attack or something. I decided yesterday to give up smoking, i guess the stress and the dropping of serotine levels and such triggered it. My doctor, whom i visited this morning told me the same. I decided to tell him the whole deal, about my addictive personallity and such. I was rambling against the girl i was dating, causing drama over nothing, don't now if i messed it up or not between. It doesn't really matter i guess, I got more important things to do. I can't even remember what I told her exactly. At on point my legs just collapsed and i fell on the floor crying like a small child. I rode on my bike for an hour or so around town,still kinda crying, it was freezing and raining, but i hardly felt it, untill i started shaking. I lost my way several times almost got hit by a car. I tried calling friends all the time, but i couldn't reach any. Untill a friend called me back, she got me relaxed enough to get
me home. There i took a hot shower for almost half an hour, and went to bed. I was complety worn down.
De doctor prescrepid me for three months Zyban. The antidepressant part of this medicine should keep me (serotine wise) from having major PAW attacks like yesterday evening. The other part of this medicine should keep me save from nicotine cravings. This only takes about ten days to start working, so the doctor adviced me too keep smoking in moderation untill then.
I took my first pill about an hour ago, for about 30 minutes I was very naseaus, but now I actually feel quite good. My reaction and such are a bit blurred, so i have to be extra carefull in trafiic I guess and pay some extra attention at work.
Despite the mess i created yesterday, im soooooo gratefull I still had the objectivity to not smoke weed or drink or anything else to shut my mind down. I really went to hell, faced it and came out alive!!!
Today will be much better then yesterday.
Yesteday evening I had a massive PAW attack or something. I decided yesterday to give up smoking, i guess the stress and the dropping of serotine levels and such triggered it. My doctor, whom i visited this morning told me the same. I decided to tell him the whole deal, about my addictive personallity and such. I was rambling against the girl i was dating, causing drama over nothing, don't now if i messed it up or not between. It doesn't really matter i guess, I got more important things to do. I can't even remember what I told her exactly. At on point my legs just collapsed and i fell on the floor crying like a small child. I rode on my bike for an hour or so around town,still kinda crying, it was freezing and raining, but i hardly felt it, untill i started shaking. I lost my way several times almost got hit by a car. I tried calling friends all the time, but i couldn't reach any. Untill a friend called me back, she got me relaxed enough to get
me home. There i took a hot shower for almost half an hour, and went to bed. I was complety worn down.
De doctor prescrepid me for three months Zyban. The antidepressant part of this medicine should keep me (serotine wise) from having major PAW attacks like yesterday evening. The other part of this medicine should keep me save from nicotine cravings. This only takes about ten days to start working, so the doctor adviced me too keep smoking in moderation untill then.
I took my first pill about an hour ago, for about 30 minutes I was very naseaus, but now I actually feel quite good. My reaction and such are a bit blurred, so i have to be extra carefull in trafiic I guess and pay some extra attention at work.
Despite the mess i created yesterday, im soooooo gratefull I still had the objectivity to not smoke weed or drink or anything else to shut my mind down. I really went to hell, faced it and came out alive!!!
Today will be much better then yesterday.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Sioux Falls, South Dakota
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Originally Posted by coming_clean
Managed to bring my weedsmoking down to every other day. Just for today i'm gonna tip the scale. Slept enough (altough it was not a deep sober sleep), meditated for 15 min., busy schedule, fun stuff....it should go well..
thank you for being here for me.
that 15 mins of listening for the quiet voice of your HP on your first day back is a miracle! regardless of what happened yesterday... embrace the idea that today is all we have because no matter how much time we have... its the truth. TIP THAT SCALE!!!
i am excited for you... just for today, dont allow the voice of the deceiver to be so loud that you accept what its bringing to the table...
keep on keepin on!
A: whats it gonna be?
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day 10, still,
been working out in the gym this morning. A friend of mine dropped by and we've been watching movies all day. Actually still watching but my mind was wondering to this place so here I am.
I finally realise now what u guys mean now with relationships in early stages in recovery. Been letting her go all day. It kinda hurted at first, cause I really really lreally ike her but I think it'll get easier in time. It's good we''re on time off, good for my recovery. Don't now in the future if her drinking/smoking lifestyle will match with my totally sober lifestyle, if I didn't messed it up allready. Made her seriously doubt about me. I scared her a lot, thought she was supportive but bottom line she truely doesn't get were i'm going through. Can't blame her for that, but it makes a lot harder.
Typing this stuff is helping me to let go.
I guess it all comes down to be comfortable on my own. Most of my life I have never been understood by girls, unless I totally adepted myself towards them. But that is not the way. Did this with my ex for a long long long time, untill it almost drove me nuts. I just want to find a girl so bad that understands me and accepts me fully for who i am.
I have this mental disease and it's called addictive personallity. Just scared to stay alone.
But still, the is not something to keep thinking and grinding about. Going through it one day at a time makes bearable and more then good enough to keep going. Still have a lot to learn about loving myself I guess.
At least i'm aware, and that truely is the first step.
The wooziness from the pill has been declining throughout the day. I hope my body will adapt to it a bit in week or two, three months is a long ride. Not gonna take this stuff a day longer.
been working out in the gym this morning. A friend of mine dropped by and we've been watching movies all day. Actually still watching but my mind was wondering to this place so here I am.
I finally realise now what u guys mean now with relationships in early stages in recovery. Been letting her go all day. It kinda hurted at first, cause I really really lreally ike her but I think it'll get easier in time. It's good we''re on time off, good for my recovery. Don't now in the future if her drinking/smoking lifestyle will match with my totally sober lifestyle, if I didn't messed it up allready. Made her seriously doubt about me. I scared her a lot, thought she was supportive but bottom line she truely doesn't get were i'm going through. Can't blame her for that, but it makes a lot harder.
Typing this stuff is helping me to let go.
I guess it all comes down to be comfortable on my own. Most of my life I have never been understood by girls, unless I totally adepted myself towards them. But that is not the way. Did this with my ex for a long long long time, untill it almost drove me nuts. I just want to find a girl so bad that understands me and accepts me fully for who i am.
I have this mental disease and it's called addictive personallity. Just scared to stay alone.
But still, the is not something to keep thinking and grinding about. Going through it one day at a time makes bearable and more then good enough to keep going. Still have a lot to learn about loving myself I guess.
At least i'm aware, and that truely is the first step.
The wooziness from the pill has been declining throughout the day. I hope my body will adapt to it a bit in week or two, three months is a long ride. Not gonna take this stuff a day longer.
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CC, thank you for sharing a little bit of your story...my AD struggles too with being alone...it is huge for her...she is finally realizing that it is one of the reasons she self-medicates ...a really important connection to make...
good for you CC, for challenging yourself...I think you are doing great! hugs, Grateful
good for you CC, for challenging yourself...I think you are doing great! hugs, Grateful
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day 11, and maybe the true day 1 for me, maybe
When i woke up this morning i wrote a 5 pages long letter to the girl. Told her it proberly isn't gonna work out between us. This has been one of the hardest things I ever did in my life. I explained from My point of view why it isn't gonna work with HER, so maybe she will find the letter offensive or hurting. On the other hand it is allready an established fact between us that i'm emotionally messed up, and she has always taken her own stuff for granted. I won't go into details, but she comes from a very very rough background. Thought this would make us stronger together, cause I believe love (not in I wonna marry and have ur baby sense of way, more the universal connection warm fuzzy feeling) is the greatest healer there is.
Instead I have found out she has put all her issues inside her, and there they will remain forever, at least she told me. That means that she will never heal up like i'm trying so hard to do. And that means, since i'm unstable and vulnarable enough as it is right now, I can't use anymore uncertainty, questions and irrelevant fears.
Still I left some open questions and hints in my letter, i gave her kinda a chance. But she needs to do this now, I have been completely open and honest about everything from the beginning. If she misses the hints out in the letter, if she decides she doesn't want to, or that i'm emotionally too messed up, or if i'm just not her type, it only acknoledges the vibe i allready felt from her for a long time. If she decides to open up to me, not about her past, i don't care, but with some of her feelings, then it'll be okee too. So watever happens, it'll work out. When i put the letter in her mailbox something just slided of of my shoulders. It'll proberly take a while before my feelings have truely subsided and stabilized, but that's okee. One day at a time
This is the first time in my entire life i've taken initiative in a way with a girl like this. I will repeat this, it was one of the hardest things i've ever done. But allready i'm starting to feel stronger and more in control about my own life. It's good. Need some serious work in the future about fears and doubts about being alone in this world.
This could be my true first day 1 for me now. I haven't touched a single sig all day. My mouth is very dry from the zyban, and i'm every once in a while nauseus so smoking actually tastes and feels horrible. Yesterday, after I lit my first sig after talking to the doctor I started smoking like crazy, smoked about 30 sigs or something!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I just couldn't stop doing it. After the first 15 i started hating it, but i just couldn't stop. after 25 sigs I was starting to get headaches but still I couldn't stop. It was terrible. I don't want to live my life like this. So far i did not have a single craving, just some thought passing by through my mind. I let them in peace hahaha.
Gotta go, before i go to bed i will reflect some more...
When i woke up this morning i wrote a 5 pages long letter to the girl. Told her it proberly isn't gonna work out between us. This has been one of the hardest things I ever did in my life. I explained from My point of view why it isn't gonna work with HER, so maybe she will find the letter offensive or hurting. On the other hand it is allready an established fact between us that i'm emotionally messed up, and she has always taken her own stuff for granted. I won't go into details, but she comes from a very very rough background. Thought this would make us stronger together, cause I believe love (not in I wonna marry and have ur baby sense of way, more the universal connection warm fuzzy feeling) is the greatest healer there is.
Instead I have found out she has put all her issues inside her, and there they will remain forever, at least she told me. That means that she will never heal up like i'm trying so hard to do. And that means, since i'm unstable and vulnarable enough as it is right now, I can't use anymore uncertainty, questions and irrelevant fears.
Still I left some open questions and hints in my letter, i gave her kinda a chance. But she needs to do this now, I have been completely open and honest about everything from the beginning. If she misses the hints out in the letter, if she decides she doesn't want to, or that i'm emotionally too messed up, or if i'm just not her type, it only acknoledges the vibe i allready felt from her for a long time. If she decides to open up to me, not about her past, i don't care, but with some of her feelings, then it'll be okee too. So watever happens, it'll work out
. When i put the letter in her mailbox something just slided of of my shoulders. It'll proberly take a while before my feelings have truely subsided and stabilized, but that's okee. One day at a time This is the first time in my entire life i've taken initiative in a way with a girl like this. I will repeat this, it was one of the hardest things i've ever done. But allready i'm starting to feel stronger and more in control about my own life. It's good. Need some serious work in the future about fears and doubts about being alone in this world.
This could be my true first day 1 for me now. I haven't touched a single sig all day. My mouth is very dry from the zyban, and i'm every once in a while nauseus so smoking actually tastes and feels horrible. Yesterday, after I lit my first sig after talking to the doctor I started smoking like crazy, smoked about 30 sigs or something!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I just couldn't stop doing it. After the first 15 i started hating it, but i just couldn't stop. after 25 sigs I was starting to get headaches but still I couldn't stop. It was terrible. I don't want to live my life like this. So far i did not have a single craving, just some thought passing by through my mind. I let them in peace hahaha.
Gotta go, before i go to bed i will reflect some more...
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Originally Posted by Matthardy
I remembered when i was 16 and in highschool, i was quitting weed for a few days, and I was all ADHD in class, talking too fast and loud, eyes wide open. my teacher asked me if I was on drugs too, then i started rambling and she kicked me out of the class hahaha.:ghug
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day 3,
Still quitted smoking sigs. This is my true sober third day!!!!! it feels so good, altough this girl is still messing with my head so i can't savour the moment. During the past few days i've been ventilating myself with text messages to her. She doesn't even reply, cause she is thinking about this stuff. I don't care so much cause i ventilate mostly to get my head straight. Dont'even want to win her over like this. I've been thinking at first Í was the crazy one, but now after a few days, i truely believe i have to right to be with someone that truely truely likes me for who i am, not this medium grilled weak s&*(). My mom said i should try it one day with an older woman, she always thought i was too mature for my age, an older woman knows a lot better what she wants and is a llot less self centered and complicated. (compared to young girls hahaha, they'll stay woman ofcourse hahaha) Who knows. Some guy that i respect very much told me the same thing about two months ago, he exactly said the same thing to me. Was forgotten this, but this morning it suddenly came back to me.
I stopped waiting for this chick, altough I mentally need to process this. I llike/liked her so much. She truely was the girl of my dreams, or at least
I thought. I knows this sounds stupid being in recovery for a short time, coming out of an bender of more then a month, just starting anti depressants etc. etc. But i've started to trust my hart and insticts for the last few years, and so far eventually i've almost never been wrong about my feelings, other people and external factors just make me often doubt about them.
I wrote today on a other website, were i write on a more casual note usually. ''Maybe it's better that the girl of your dreams stays a nice warm sunday morning dream''.
On a more brighter note, i'm gonna get myself a kitten!!!! A friend came up with this idea, I just loved it straight away. I can't believe i never came up with this!!! I have the space, the time, the money and more then enough love. I could use some unconditional loving myself right now. Really looking forward to it, proberly is gonna happen this week. When it does i'm gonna send pics
Still quitted smoking sigs. This is my true sober third day!!!!! it feels so good, altough this girl is still messing with my head so i can't savour the moment. During the past few days i've been ventilating myself with text messages to her. She doesn't even reply, cause she is thinking about this stuff. I don't care so much cause i ventilate mostly to get my head straight. Dont'even want to win her over like this. I've been thinking at first Í was the crazy one, but now after a few days, i truely believe i have to right to be with someone that truely truely likes me for who i am, not this medium grilled weak s&*(). My mom said i should try it one day with an older woman, she always thought i was too mature for my age, an older woman knows a lot better what she wants and is a llot less self centered and complicated. (compared to young girls hahaha, they'll stay woman ofcourse hahaha) Who knows. Some guy that i respect very much told me the same thing about two months ago, he exactly said the same thing to me. Was forgotten this, but this morning it suddenly came back to me.
I stopped waiting for this chick, altough I mentally need to process this. I llike/liked her so much. She truely was the girl of my dreams, or at least
I thought. I knows this sounds stupid being in recovery for a short time, coming out of an bender of more then a month, just starting anti depressants etc. etc. But i've started to trust my hart and insticts for the last few years, and so far eventually i've almost never been wrong about my feelings, other people and external factors just make me often doubt about them.
I wrote today on a other website, were i write on a more casual note usually. ''Maybe it's better that the girl of your dreams stays a nice warm sunday morning dream''.
On a more brighter note, i'm gonna get myself a kitten!!!! A friend came up with this idea, I just loved it straight away. I can't believe i never came up with this!!! I have the space, the time, the money and more then enough love. I could use some unconditional loving myself right now
. Really looking forward to it, proberly is gonna happen this week. When it does i'm gonna send pics Resident
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Thanks for the update Comingclean. We are all pulling for you here at SR. Sometimes the girl of our dreams isn't really the girl of our dreams but only looks like that girl if you get my drift.
A kitten is a great addition to any family and believe me you will start treating it just like family if not better. Good luck.
A kitten is a great addition to any family and believe me you will start treating it just like family if not better. Good luck.
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day 3, no sigs, no drugs, no alcohol,
Oh my god I'm learning soooooo much everyday. This time i truely want to learn, i'm like a spunge eager to suck it all up. Sometimes it get's a bit too much and I get stuck, but then i keep on trying trying turning it upside out and inside out.
Just had a beautifull conversation with the girl. Feel sooo much better now. We're gonna be just friends, what we should have been doing in the first place for a long time before we got together like we did. I made a lot of accusations and did a lot of irrelevant fingerpointing at her. Apologized for it, but explained i'm detoxing like hell, being confronted with loads and loads suppresed emotions,
It felt so wrong and so bad all these these things what i said to her and what i did, but instead of taking it in inside me and trying to fix it, I lashed my pain out to her. I said to her that if i ever want to be there for her I first must do this alone. Otherwise i fall into attachment problems again, this will mess up my recovery. You know what she said, that she has the gut feeling she will proberly like me a lot more by the time i fixed myself then she ever did now. This made me feel very nice and warm on the inside, a very very very good motivation to do this.
I know u guys must be thinking what the hell? He is changing is opinion every day at least once. All the certainty I have now about myself is that nothing is certain about my myself, at least the next few months, maybe even years? It's all about letting go and acceptence. Damm I just did truely did the first step of the programme? but then truely????? I think so...
Why i know this? Cause while typing this last part i was realising i need this higher power to fill up the void/or total emptiness that letting everything go creates. Have read this before from buddhist literature, the human mind cannot function without an object to focus on....my mind bounces around like crazy as soon as I let go too much, so I need something warm and nice, bigger then myself, peacebringing that keeps in all in place.
Now i know what to look for...at least to start looking for..even tough i've been studying and practising buddhist stuff as an amateur for the last four or five years...i need to take this further and deeper. Never could imagine that taking the first step was such an huge effort and struggle. So this time i;m gonna take my time to find my higher power, gonna keep on searchin untill I have found a spiritual connection fill up the holes in my soules my drug-use has created....
wauw...
Oh my god I'm learning soooooo much everyday. This time i truely want to learn, i'm like a spunge eager to suck it all up. Sometimes it get's a bit too much and I get stuck, but then i keep on trying trying turning it upside out and inside out.
Just had a beautifull conversation with the girl. Feel sooo much better now. We're gonna be just friends, what we should have been doing in the first place for a long time before we got together like we did. I made a lot of accusations and did a lot of irrelevant fingerpointing at her. Apologized for it, but explained i'm detoxing like hell, being confronted with loads and loads suppresed emotions,
It felt so wrong and so bad all these these things what i said to her and what i did, but instead of taking it in inside me and trying to fix it, I lashed my pain out to her. I said to her that if i ever want to be there for her I first must do this alone. Otherwise i fall into attachment problems again, this will mess up my recovery. You know what she said, that she has the gut feeling she will proberly like me a lot more by the time i fixed myself then she ever did now. This made me feel very nice and warm on the inside, a very very very good motivation to do this.
I know u guys must be thinking what the hell? He is changing is opinion every day at least once. All the certainty I have now about myself is that nothing is certain about my myself, at least the next few months, maybe even years? It's all about letting go and acceptence. Damm I just did truely did the first step of the programme? but then truely????? I think so...
Why i know this? Cause while typing this last part i was realising i need this higher power to fill up the void/or total emptiness that letting everything go creates. Have read this before from buddhist literature, the human mind cannot function without an object to focus on....my mind bounces around like crazy as soon as I let go too much, so I need something warm and nice, bigger then myself, peacebringing that keeps in all in place.
Now i know what to look for...at least to start looking for..even tough i've been studying and practising buddhist stuff as an amateur for the last four or five years...i need to take this further and deeper. Never could imagine that taking the first step was such an huge effort and struggle. So this time i;m gonna take my time to find my higher power, gonna keep on searchin untill I have found a spiritual connection fill up the holes in my soules my drug-use has created....
wauw...
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one more thing...tomorrow im gonna take myself of the anti-depressants again, at least to try it for a day. I got all day all kind of social stuff planned with people that know about my recovery, so if i decide to get mental or something i got back-up.
realised about two hours ago, taking this stuff won't help me. It only compensates, what i have been doing all my life. I'm not depressed, the doctor agreed about that, i'm in general a happy person, but the detoxing got me a bit freaking out and unstable, wich is natural i guess. i wanted the zyban for it's sideeffect that stops nicotine cravings, but although i'm not happy about it, i have to go through this too. I rather be crying for two weeks feeling sorry for myself, then feeling numb and lifeless like this. Even with these pills i've been crying at least once a day or so in solitude so that won't change a darn thing either haha. If i take this stuff for the three months the doc prescribed, it'll have done permanent changes in my biochemistry. Don't want to be another victim of the pharmaceutical lie. A good friend told me yesterday he has been on that stuff for about two years. He is off is now for four years and he is still numb, not in touch with his emotions, and a grey blanket clouds his mind. He misses the highs and lows of life he said. This made me scared.
However, if I go mental tomorrow, and the day after, and the day after that, i'm gonna take them again. Rather take those pills then relapse to shut my mind down. choosin the lesser evil.
curieus how it will go!!!
realised about two hours ago, taking this stuff won't help me. It only compensates, what i have been doing all my life. I'm not depressed, the doctor agreed about that, i'm in general a happy person, but the detoxing got me a bit freaking out and unstable, wich is natural i guess. i wanted the zyban for it's sideeffect that stops nicotine cravings, but although i'm not happy about it, i have to go through this too. I rather be crying for two weeks feeling sorry for myself, then feeling numb and lifeless like this. Even with these pills i've been crying at least once a day or so in solitude so that won't change a darn thing either haha. If i take this stuff for the three months the doc prescribed, it'll have done permanent changes in my biochemistry. Don't want to be another victim of the pharmaceutical lie. A good friend told me yesterday he has been on that stuff for about two years. He is off is now for four years and he is still numb, not in touch with his emotions, and a grey blanket clouds his mind. He misses the highs and lows of life he said. This made me scared.
However, if I go mental tomorrow, and the day after, and the day after that, i'm gonna take them again. Rather take those pills then relapse to shut my mind down. choosin the lesser evil.
curieus how it will go!!!
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This is my first genuine day 1, no drugs, no nicotine, no booze, no meds no nothing.
Woke up this morning at 6:30 am.....must be the antidepressants cause they have messed serieouly with my sleep since i have been taking them about four days ago. Could be some nicotine withdrawls too. I think i have gone through the worst physical detox part of weed, this is becoming more a mental thing. So far i still see it as something i can never do or take again, same goes for drinking and smoking. Take one more hit, sip or watever and it'll mean my spiritual and fysical death.
Meditated for about 15 mins, gonna take a shower now and eat something. Still can't feel if i'm hungry or not.
One more thing I want to share this morning, well i want to figure it out for myself and that's cafaine. Gonna do some reflection now. I remember last summer, when i quitted for 64 days (i think got to check my thread here) i was very cafaine obsessed at one point. Giving it up or not giving it up. This time i think i'll keep on using it in moderation. Why? Cause I like my morning cup of coffee. I like going to a cafe and order a cappuchino. I like the flavour and smell of it, talking with friends, having a laugh. I like ordering a coffee to go, walking around the city taking a sip every once in a while, i like the look of it, think it's stylish or watever. I like tea with milk and sugar or honey in the winters, i like fresh green tea in the summers with some lime in it.
But this time i'm not mistaken. Cafaine is a drug too, but so is sugar and fat and cheese (endorfines) and sex and excersising and gaming etc. etc. etc. If i look at it this way life is a drug. But this drug i want to take, in a responsible, healthy and fun way. So i'm gonna have my cup of coffee once in a while, but not 8 per day.
I remember an attempt to give it all up about three summers ago. I started drinking six or 8 cups of coffee each day, plus some additional red bulls and such. I was so constipated of stress i couldn't euh.....poop hahaha.....for two weeks. The doctor said if i was stuck for another week i had to go to the hospital cause by then i could be very dangerous. Two days after that i was so stressed out and feeling messed up i went drinking beer for a night, altough this wasn't good for my recovery, and least it sedated me enough for a while to get relaxed again and get things going.
So....since that experience, plus the nice rectal examination i got from the doctor back then, i think i'll manage it a bit better.
There is one kind of cafainated drink i cannot touch anymore, even tough i like the taste of it a lot, that's red bull and other energy drinks. No go area, last summer i kinda got hooked on that stuff. They are just too strong for my addict brain. Haven't drank them in a week or so come to think of it, so i can cross them of my list as well while i'm at it.
that was a nice reflection, feel more secure about this stuff now time to get my lazy sunday morning a$% into action
Woke up this morning at 6:30 am.....must be the antidepressants cause they have messed serieouly with my sleep since i have been taking them about four days ago. Could be some nicotine withdrawls too. I think i have gone through the worst physical detox part of weed, this is becoming more a mental thing. So far i still see it as something i can never do or take again, same goes for drinking and smoking. Take one more hit, sip or watever and it'll mean my spiritual and fysical death.
Meditated for about 15 mins, gonna take a shower now and eat something. Still can't feel if i'm hungry or not.
One more thing I want to share this morning, well i want to figure it out for myself and that's cafaine. Gonna do some reflection now. I remember last summer, when i quitted for 64 days (i think got to check my thread here) i was very cafaine obsessed at one point. Giving it up or not giving it up. This time i think i'll keep on using it in moderation. Why? Cause I like my morning cup of coffee. I like going to a cafe and order a cappuchino. I like the flavour and smell of it, talking with friends, having a laugh. I like ordering a coffee to go, walking around the city taking a sip every once in a while, i like the look of it, think it's stylish or watever. I like tea with milk and sugar or honey in the winters, i like fresh green tea in the summers with some lime in it.
But this time i'm not mistaken. Cafaine is a drug too, but so is sugar and fat and cheese (endorfines) and sex and excersising and gaming etc. etc. etc. If i look at it this way life is a drug. But this drug i want to take, in a responsible, healthy and fun way. So i'm gonna have my cup of coffee once in a while, but not 8 per day.
I remember an attempt to give it all up about three summers ago. I started drinking six or 8 cups of coffee each day, plus some additional red bulls and such. I was so constipated of stress i couldn't euh.....poop hahaha.....for two weeks. The doctor said if i was stuck for another week i had to go to the hospital cause by then i could be very dangerous. Two days after that i was so stressed out and feeling messed up i went drinking beer for a night, altough this wasn't good for my recovery, and least it sedated me enough for a while to get relaxed again and get things going.
So....since that experience, plus the nice rectal examination i got from the doctor back then, i think i'll manage it a bit better.
There is one kind of cafainated drink i cannot touch anymore, even tough i like the taste of it a lot, that's red bull and other energy drinks. No go area, last summer i kinda got hooked on that stuff. They are just too strong for my addict brain. Haven't drank them in a week or so come to think of it, so i can cross them of my list as well while i'm at it.
that was a nice reflection, feel more secure about this stuff now
time to get my lazy sunday morning a$% into action 
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