nolawench

or maybe a bit of both?

So here it is. I flew of the freakin handle yesterday.

Backstory, (I'll try to make it brief)
Since Katrina and the federal flood, I can count on 1 hand the number of weeks my husband and I have lived alone in our home. relatives, friends, contractors, etc... Most recently we have had an employee and his daughter and her bf living with us. Employee moved, so daughter and bf moved upstairs, finally relinqueshing "My den" ( tv room, computer room, favorite couch, etc... My sanctuary).

We have in the last 2 weeks had to let an employee go ( strictly financial reasons, damn economy, we love her) so I have been working her shifts at the restaurant, on top of my usual duties, which begin around 7 am. Her shift ends at 9:30 -10:00 pm. I have time in the middle of the day to come home and take a break, which I did yesterday around one.

All I wanted was to come home, sit on the couch, watch some mindless tv and maybe nap for a lil bit. just some peace and quiet, y'know?

But No, it wasn't going to happen. Daughter and bf were in the den eating and watching a movie ( just starting a movie), and no amount of subtle hinting would get through. So... I emptied and loaded the dishwasher, moved laundry along, and went back to the restaurant, simply livid and with a very painful back.

Oh... and I can't nap in my room, I'm currently having major back spasms and the only way I can sleep or nap or get relief is to sit w/ my feet up.

This ain't the first time. I know it won't be the last.

I don't feel that I can ask them to vacate " my room" I lost that right when they covered my butt for untold months while I was residing at the bottom of a vodka bottle, when I was breaking her fathers heart, while I was breaking their hearts and setting fires to any bridge that I had worked so long to build with her and them. I have a lot to make up for and I have even more to prove. I filled them w/ disgust and rightly so.

So I guess I was feeling incredibly resentful... first at them for not reading my mind and getting up and going upstairs where, they have their own tv, then even more so at myself for feeling that way, and for acting like a petty, juvenile brat. ( not in front of them, I waited till I left the house and got to the restaurant and locked myself in the ladies room and stomped and slammed and kicked ... gawd, I put a hole in the wall w/ my foot).

I was filled with pain, resentment, self pity, regret, guilt and an immense amount of frustration.

Normally, I would have had a drink or 20.... But yesterday, I didn't. I again proved to myself that I can go through emotions, actually feel them and not have to drink.

But, I still reacted to this poorly and I am ashamed.

That said, I'm pulling another shift tonight, tonights is longer, and I will be coming home for a break. I'll try to handle it better today. Maybe even like an adult. LOL.


Thanks for letting me get this off my chest. Y'all rock.

.. Now I gotta hit the shower, a meeting then go make soup for the masses and wash their dishes.

Bamboozle

You know you can't change the past….In my very humble opinion, whatever happened doesn't mean you need to sacrifice your needs out of guilt. It sounds to me like you’ve spent a good amount of time beating yourself up over this…you don’t need to do that anymore. I know that’s easier said than done…you sound like you are doing your best to improve your situation, and people do take notice of that. Give yourself a break.

Why not work out a compromise? Let them know of your schedule and that you would like that particular space to yourself at a particular time. No harm, no foul. Work it out ahead of time, and everyone is cool.

Pelican

Nola Yesterday


:ghug3 To Nola from SR



Nola Today

You're doing great!

least

I agree with "don't beat yourself up too much over this". It sounds like a very stressful situation. Perhaps as suggested a compromise that they vacate "your" room for a while so you can use it. And forgive yourself for past mistakes and behaviors. Accept the past and keep moving forward!

CarolD

My adult son moved in with me ...I was working 12 hour
shifts ...while I was gone...I didn't care what he did.
When I was there...
I picked the TV programs...I expected quiet when I slept
and no messy kitchen to deal with.

This had nothing to do with my alcoholism or recovery
I think it is best to have clear boundaries.

Good to know your sober...

nolawench

Thanks y'all. I did get over it pretty quick, after my tantrum, lol. Luckily they were still asleep when I got home from the restaurant this morning. I will set some boundries and inform them of my schedule.

They are awesome kids.

I was just feeling... put out, and needed to spill it.

Great meeting today, got my soup made for the rest. did the banking and shopping for the rest... I'm home now and have 3 episodes of House to watch or doze through as I see fit.

~ firm nod~

Anna

It sounds like expressing your boundaries and sticking with them is a good idea.

I do understand the remorse that you talk about and I tiptoed around my husband for quite awhile when I stopped drinking. But, gradually I understood that self-love was essential and that involved boundaries.

James13

I know the resentment thing. I'm good at that.

I was really upset recently when my gf broke it off, and was thinking how could she be so cold? But I spent a year making my habit of getting high a priority over her, and everything else. She needed understanding, and I quit doing that.

And I still have to watch myself and my resentments every day. They usually come about when I am fearful.

Thanks for sharing. Here's a hug.