nolawench

or maybe a bit of both?

So here it is. I flew of the freakin handle yesterday.

Backstory, (I'll try to make it brief)
Since Katrina and the federal flood, I can count on 1 hand the number of weeks my husband and I have lived alone in our home. relatives, friends, contractors, etc... Most recently we have had an employee and his daughter and her bf living with us. Employee moved, so daughter and bf moved upstairs, finally relinqueshing "My den" ( tv room, computer room, favorite couch, etc... My sanctuary).

We have in the last 2 weeks had to let an employee go ( strictly financial reasons, damn economy, we love her) so I have been working her shifts at the restaurant, on top of my usual duties, which begin around 7 am. Her shift ends at 9:30 -10:00 pm. I have time in the middle of the day to come home and take a break, which I did yesterday around one.

All I wanted was to come home, sit on the couch, watch some mindless tv and maybe nap for a lil bit. just some peace and quiet, y'know?

But No, it wasn't going to happen. Daughter and bf were in the den eating and watching a movie ( just starting a movie), and no amount of subtle hinting would get through. So... I emptied and loaded the dishwasher, moved laundry along, and went back to the restaurant, simply livid and with a very painful back.

Oh... and I can't nap in my room, I'm currently having major back spasms and the only way I can sleep or nap or get relief is to sit w/ my feet up.

This ain't the first time. I know it won't be the last.

I don't feel that I can ask them to vacate " my room" I lost that right when they covered my butt for untold months while I was residing at the bottom of a vodka bottle, when I was breaking her fathers heart, while I was breaking their hearts and setting fires to any bridge that I had worked so long to build with her and them. I have a lot to make up for and I have even more to prove. I filled them w/ disgust and rightly so.

So I guess I was feeling incredibly resentful... first at them for not reading my mind and getting up and going upstairs where, they have their own tv, then even more so at myself for feeling that way, and for acting like a petty, juvenile brat. ( not in front of them, I waited till I left the house and got to the restaurant and locked myself in the ladies room and stomped and slammed and kicked ... gawd, I put a hole in the wall w/ my foot).

I was filled with pain, resentment, self pity, regret, guilt and an immense amount of frustration.

Normally, I would have had a drink or 20.... But yesterday, I didn't. I again proved to myself that I can go through emotions, actually feel them and not have to drink.

But, I still reacted to this poorly and I am ashamed.

That said, I'm pulling another shift tonight, tonights is longer, and I will be coming home for a break. I'll try to handle it better today. Maybe even like an adult. LOL.


Thanks for letting me get this off my chest. Y'all rock.

.. Now I gotta hit the shower, a meeting then go make soup for the masses and wash their dishes.