Pain is pain....
IO Storm
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Southern California
Posts: 18,436
I would like to add..no person has to live with abuse. Suffering is not a requirement.
And we all do have choices. If we can step out of the fear, get help and support
...we are making a good choice. A healthy choice.
My exAH made a good choice. He did get sober, found faith and a good wife.
All is forgiven..on both sides. How neat. For us and our children.
And moving on in forgiveness is a good choice for me...because I don't need
inner baggage dragging me down. Life with it's daily challenges are a sufficient
challenge to my sobriety. It is useless to look back now. Should have, would
have, could have..rarely now, I catch myself thinking these thoughts.
Especially at holidays..and they are deadly thoughts.
I believe, firmly that everything happens for a reason.
That nothing happens in God's world by accident.
And "all is as it should."
And we all do have choices. If we can step out of the fear, get help and support
...we are making a good choice. A healthy choice.
My exAH made a good choice. He did get sober, found faith and a good wife.
All is forgiven..on both sides. How neat. For us and our children.
And moving on in forgiveness is a good choice for me...because I don't need
inner baggage dragging me down. Life with it's daily challenges are a sufficient
challenge to my sobriety. It is useless to look back now. Should have, would
have, could have..rarely now, I catch myself thinking these thoughts.
Especially at holidays..and they are deadly thoughts.
I believe, firmly that everything happens for a reason.
That nothing happens in God's world by accident.
And "all is as it should."
Forum Leader
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Scottsdale, AZ, one big happy dysfunctional family!
Posts: 23,056
Originally Posted by Rella927 
it has simply amazed me that A's and Codies do not realize how much they have in common! Sounds silly right? I know the A's are thinking is this one nutz? She has no clue what it is like....
Actually.....codies and A's come from the same place the same homes, the same up bringing. It is just that we each seek out other sources to cover our pain! I know rocket science huh?
Actually.....codies and A's come from the same place the same homes, the same up bringing. It is just that we each seek out other sources to cover our pain! I know rocket science huh?
uh-huh, uh-huh! Me and my fiance know exactly what you're talking about Rella! It took me two years of sobriety to figure it out, but eventually I walked into my first CoDA meeting, and I'm looking forward to being there tonight. I spent 25 years drinking over most of my codependency issues, and I attracted codependent partners. Now there's a "lightbulb" moment! How did I miss this post?
Anyway, for all of you who don't know what a codie is, here's a list of patterns and characteristics from the CoDA website. See if you can identify with any of them. The first time I heard this read at a meeting, I was shocked at how many of them applied to my life.
Patterns of Co-Dependency
CindeRella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Spreading my wings
Posts: 7,163
I believe, firmly that everything happens for a reason.
That nothing happens in God's world by accident.
And "all is as it should."
That nothing happens in God's world by accident.
And "all is as it should."
Astro my good friend!
Well said and enough said! Missing a post? Oh how dare you!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 25
Sometimes I wonder how I ended up as an alkie (I still question if I am one), given the circumstances I grew up in. I do not come from an alcoholic family.
I've been a compulsive overeater pretty much all my life though; when I was a kid I was constantly eating candy, and eventually it was other things too. And I think I became a love addict when I started dating, although I didn't realize it at the time - I thought it was just normal teenager stuff; but I felt so depressed whenever guys broke up with more, more than it seemed normal...and guys thought I was "obsessive" and "clingy." And then when I started drinking coffee regularly, I didn't just want the caffeine high...I wanted the whole she-bang; the whole coffee shop environment, the people-watching, the conversations, the poetry-writing.
So when I got to college and discovered wine, I decided I would channel the tortured artist myth, which means that I am addicted to emotional pain...to fantasies...to obsession itself. My attitude towards my suffering is not just misery, but also fascination - which makes it hard to quit.
I come from a very loving family, it just doesn't make sense. Until I consider the fact that my dad passed away when I was ten (from cancer). I think I was in denial about the extent that it affected me, because what happened was that I shut down emotionally (perhaps it was traumatic? overwhelming?), and so I thought that I was completely fine. But looking back, it leaked out in other ways. And my mom and sis are both very different sort of people than I am (personality-wise), and so they deal with their emotions differently. I thought that I had to hide my emotions.
Being a creative individual (I do theatre/performance art and I write), expression is very, very important. I drank because I felt a lot of creative blockage...even if there was stuff going on in my head, I had trouble getting it out into the external world. And because I wanted it so badly and I was such a perfectionist, I became very anxious about it and just kind of zombied out...Anything of important (including in social relations, like if I really wanted to connect to someone) would bring me anxiety.
I think that I have spent my life reclaiming those emotions that I "lost" that day when my dad died.
And then I fell in love with an alcoholic. Because I was not in tune with my own pain, I started chasing after his. And I was more or less a normal drinker at that point - well, I guess that was around the time I started sneaking drinks alone, because I loved the feeling - and so it's hard to separate whether I started out as a codie or alkie. The thing is, he was in recovery at the time...and whenever he came to pick me up to hang out, I would drink first...then as he started becoming more elusive, I started calling him, drunk. A few months down the line I was basically a drunk phone-stalker. I would also find myself sitting down on the sidewalk near my apartment, crying. I have never been so emotional in my life. And yes, I had a double-life (and technically, I drank in both - because I drank socially too, and then there was my private writing life)...because whenever I was in this mode, I never called my friends, despite having probably about ten friends who I could've called for support. I would call guys who were emotionally unavailable.
And I thought to myself, "Al-Anon is for friends and family of alcoholics." I thought well, I guess I can't go to Al-Anon because I'm not really this guy's FRIEND...he certainly doesn't treat me like one. I don't qualify to be a codie.
I think I might've been in denial.
I've been a compulsive overeater pretty much all my life though; when I was a kid I was constantly eating candy, and eventually it was other things too. And I think I became a love addict when I started dating, although I didn't realize it at the time - I thought it was just normal teenager stuff; but I felt so depressed whenever guys broke up with more, more than it seemed normal...and guys thought I was "obsessive" and "clingy." And then when I started drinking coffee regularly, I didn't just want the caffeine high...I wanted the whole she-bang; the whole coffee shop environment, the people-watching, the conversations, the poetry-writing.
So when I got to college and discovered wine, I decided I would channel the tortured artist myth, which means that I am addicted to emotional pain...to fantasies...to obsession itself. My attitude towards my suffering is not just misery, but also fascination - which makes it hard to quit.
I come from a very loving family, it just doesn't make sense. Until I consider the fact that my dad passed away when I was ten (from cancer). I think I was in denial about the extent that it affected me, because what happened was that I shut down emotionally (perhaps it was traumatic? overwhelming?), and so I thought that I was completely fine. But looking back, it leaked out in other ways. And my mom and sis are both very different sort of people than I am (personality-wise), and so they deal with their emotions differently. I thought that I had to hide my emotions.
Being a creative individual (I do theatre/performance art and I write), expression is very, very important. I drank because I felt a lot of creative blockage...even if there was stuff going on in my head, I had trouble getting it out into the external world. And because I wanted it so badly and I was such a perfectionist, I became very anxious about it and just kind of zombied out...Anything of important (including in social relations, like if I really wanted to connect to someone) would bring me anxiety.
I think that I have spent my life reclaiming those emotions that I "lost" that day when my dad died.
And then I fell in love with an alcoholic. Because I was not in tune with my own pain, I started chasing after his. And I was more or less a normal drinker at that point - well, I guess that was around the time I started sneaking drinks alone, because I loved the feeling - and so it's hard to separate whether I started out as a codie or alkie. The thing is, he was in recovery at the time...and whenever he came to pick me up to hang out, I would drink first...then as he started becoming more elusive, I started calling him, drunk. A few months down the line I was basically a drunk phone-stalker. I would also find myself sitting down on the sidewalk near my apartment, crying. I have never been so emotional in my life. And yes, I had a double-life (and technically, I drank in both - because I drank socially too, and then there was my private writing life)...because whenever I was in this mode, I never called my friends, despite having probably about ten friends who I could've called for support. I would call guys who were emotionally unavailable.
And I thought to myself, "Al-Anon is for friends and family of alcoholics." I thought well, I guess I can't go to Al-Anon because I'm not really this guy's FRIEND...he certainly doesn't treat me like one. I don't qualify to be a codie.
I think I might've been in denial.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 1,401
Rella,
Wonderful thread. Thanks for starting it. This is so new to me.
I keep asking what has changed in my life to start me acting out on what I never would allow myself to do. How did I allow myself to cross the line and start taking the pills, then lieing to get them, and even outright stealing them? Nothing of what I'm doing makes any sense with who I am but I don't stop and don't feel like I can stop (at least for more than a few hours every now and again).
Reading this thread is in many ways like looking into a mirror. It makes me wonder if this is me and if this is the root of my behavior. An abstinate alkie of twenty years, recently turned rx abuser, who (unbenown to her) has been a codie all her life. I've often kidded aroundf about me having a Messiah complex. Maybe it's far less glamorous and I'm just a codie.
Hmmmm.... maybe this is why I wanted to invite that sweet young kid from NA who has no family to come to my home for Christmas dinner?
Wonderful thread. Thanks for starting it. This is so new to me.
I keep asking what has changed in my life to start me acting out on what I never would allow myself to do. How did I allow myself to cross the line and start taking the pills, then lieing to get them, and even outright stealing them? Nothing of what I'm doing makes any sense with who I am but I don't stop and don't feel like I can stop (at least for more than a few hours every now and again).
Reading this thread is in many ways like looking into a mirror. It makes me wonder if this is me and if this is the root of my behavior. An abstinate alkie of twenty years, recently turned rx abuser, who (unbenown to her) has been a codie all her life. I've often kidded aroundf about me having a Messiah complex. Maybe it's far less glamorous and I'm just a codie.
Hmmmm.... maybe this is why I wanted to invite that sweet young kid from NA who has no family to come to my home for Christmas dinner?
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