Inches away from becoming an alcoholic
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 7
Hi all, when I joined this forum...I found it funny that ppl were posting messages saying that they went for 1 day ..sober.
Well, it is the start of the weekend and for me Friday going out means...have a few drinks for sure. In fact I look forward to friday because I get to start drinking coz it is the start of the weekend.
I just came back from dinner, all of my friends had a couple of drinks. But I just had water. I didnt let myself think that I was depriving myself of anything. In fact, I kept my focus on food and generally chatting. I must say it went quite well...and here I am to report proudly that my 1st day of non-drinking is throught. Yay !!!!
Well, it is the start of the weekend and for me Friday going out means...have a few drinks for sure. In fact I look forward to friday because I get to start drinking coz it is the start of the weekend.
I just came back from dinner, all of my friends had a couple of drinks. But I just had water. I didnt let myself think that I was depriving myself of anything. In fact, I kept my focus on food and generally chatting. I must say it went quite well...and here I am to report proudly that my 1st day of non-drinking is throught. Yay !!!!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
Awesome !! I am really happy for you. I am also glad that you posted back and let us know how you were doing !!
I know how you feel about the start of the weekend and all. Be good to yourself, you can still make Fridays fun !! My wife and I went out and had dinner at the mall and did a little christmas shopping, had some Starbucks, and generally had a good time. I felt as good as I have for a long long time.
Keep posting here, I am pullin' for ya !!
Mark
I know how you feel about the start of the weekend and all. Be good to yourself, you can still make Fridays fun !! My wife and I went out and had dinner at the mall and did a little christmas shopping, had some Starbucks, and generally had a good time. I felt as good as I have for a long long time.
Keep posting here, I am pullin' for ya !!
Mark
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: London
Posts: 3
Hurting your spouse
Need2quit,
I'm in a very similar place. My binge drinking is occassional, was every month or two although I recently went 5 months without a binge. Problem is even when i fell off the wagon the other day it was as if all the good work went to waste. My disappointment with myself is enormous, but i can sense from my wife that she's given up on me.
I guess i've got to get myself on another run of achievement but never let the guard down. Boy it's tough!
I'm in a very similar place. My binge drinking is occassional, was every month or two although I recently went 5 months without a binge. Problem is even when i fell off the wagon the other day it was as if all the good work went to waste. My disappointment with myself is enormous, but i can sense from my wife that she's given up on me.
I guess i've got to get myself on another run of achievement but never let the guard down. Boy it's tough!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 7
Badly need advice guys. I have a really good friend coming over and we have decided to have dinner at our place long time back. Drinks was on the menu of course...Here is the problem, my wife and I had a discussion today and she told me that going to an extreme is not the answer. What she says is that you should drink for enjoyment not to get drunk. Which has been the case with me so far...I gulp down 1 drink after another until I am drunk. She on the other hand keeps one drink in her hand, socializes with people and still gets a buzz with that drink.
She told me that if I take things to an extreme, it may not work for long. According to her, a good plan is the one which you can sustain..not the one which you get excited about ..do it for a few weeks and then fail at it. In fact she has asked me to take a drink and let me friend make it for all of us. And just keep the focus on enjoying the evening with them NOT GETTING DRUNK.
What do you all say to this? It sounds like a good plan to me. In fact she was telling me when she went out yesterday she had a small glass of wine and that gave her a nice buzz until we got back home, and then it was over. In my case, since I have been drinking so much my body asks for much more to get to her level. So, her explanation is that if I "DRINK RESPONSIBLY" to have fun, I will get to her level and never want to get drunk again. According to her, when the friends go back home...the buzz should be gone by then, so that I can have a nice night's sleep and no hangover tomorrow.
I really don't want y'all to think I am looking for an excuse to drink her, but do want your 2 cents.
She told me that if I take things to an extreme, it may not work for long. According to her, a good plan is the one which you can sustain..not the one which you get excited about ..do it for a few weeks and then fail at it. In fact she has asked me to take a drink and let me friend make it for all of us. And just keep the focus on enjoying the evening with them NOT GETTING DRUNK.
What do you all say to this? It sounds like a good plan to me. In fact she was telling me when she went out yesterday she had a small glass of wine and that gave her a nice buzz until we got back home, and then it was over. In my case, since I have been drinking so much my body asks for much more to get to her level. So, her explanation is that if I "DRINK RESPONSIBLY" to have fun, I will get to her level and never want to get drunk again. According to her, when the friends go back home...the buzz should be gone by then, so that I can have a nice night's sleep and no hangover tomorrow.
I really don't want y'all to think I am looking for an excuse to drink her, but do want your 2 cents.
Sober since 9th May 2008
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 2,973
What your wife says makes perfect sense I reckon, as long as you don't have a drink problem.
I most definately do have that problem, I wouldn't want just that one drink, I'd want the whole lot and then some more.
My wife can happily have that drink just the way your wife describes, I can't.
I'm now nearly 7 months sober, I believe I can sustain it.
Just as she says it is possible to drink responsible, it is also possible to enjoy the evening and not drink at all.
My parents and my wifes parents were round today, a bottle of wine was opened, my father in law had some beer, me I had some cola and some water.
Those that wanted a drink had, those that didn't, didn't.
I used to worry that people would think it strange me not drinking.
I now realise they don't, I wonder if your wife is more worried about what your friends perception is of you not drinking.
At the end of the day, only you can decide if you want to drink or not.
I most definately do have that problem, I wouldn't want just that one drink, I'd want the whole lot and then some more.
My wife can happily have that drink just the way your wife describes, I can't.
I'm now nearly 7 months sober, I believe I can sustain it.
Just as she says it is possible to drink responsible, it is also possible to enjoy the evening and not drink at all.
My parents and my wifes parents were round today, a bottle of wine was opened, my father in law had some beer, me I had some cola and some water.
Those that wanted a drink had, those that didn't, didn't.
I used to worry that people would think it strange me not drinking.
I now realise they don't, I wonder if your wife is more worried about what your friends perception is of you not drinking.
At the end of the day, only you can decide if you want to drink or not.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: NY
Posts: 6,608
Need2Quit - I agree with everything Fizzy has said and I think your wife's advice is great for someone that is not an alcoholic. Have you read "Under the Influence?" It helps us to understand why our bodies process alcohol differently from others and its good in understanding alcoholism period. If you feel you are not an alcoholic then go for it, but I have not heard of one person on this board that was an alcoholic and could drink like a normal person.
Here's a small example of what I mean. I, at one point, was contemplating a relapse. We do that. We think about it before we do it and my thought was it will just be a bottle of wine. Told my husband I would like to experiment with it and see if I could stop at a couple and be satisfied. Husband was about to go buy it and I speak up and say "Get the large bottle not those small 4 glass bottles." Ha! Can you see the insanity!! I am like trying to act all cool and calm about the relapse and I'm already rubbing my hands together planning on getting trashed at the same time. Guess what - we decided I'm still an alcoholic.
Here's a small example of what I mean. I, at one point, was contemplating a relapse. We do that. We think about it before we do it and my thought was it will just be a bottle of wine. Told my husband I would like to experiment with it and see if I could stop at a couple and be satisfied. Husband was about to go buy it and I speak up and say "Get the large bottle not those small 4 glass bottles." Ha! Can you see the insanity!! I am like trying to act all cool and calm about the relapse and I'm already rubbing my hands together planning on getting trashed at the same time. Guess what - we decided I'm still an alcoholic.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,512
Yes, exactly. Your wife's advice is from the point of view of a non-alcoholic. It's very hard for others to understand alcoholism and the fact that we cannot drink like 'normal' people. For me, I found that trying to control my drinking, meant obsessing about when, where and how much I would drink.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
Hi
My wife has always and still does enjoy one white wine spritzer at the end of the night. She is not alcoholic. Some nights I don't mind it, some nights I do. But that's beside the point...
As much as she is my soulmate and that we are still very much "in love", my recovery process has not been easy for us...
How nice it would be if I could cuddle up with her at the end of the night and have one glass of wine with her. She would enjoy that as much as I would... But I can't. Although we are really too old to go out clubbing, I know she would like to, but I don't see that in our future, at least for now, I couldn't have any fun, or worse, I might start drinking... so we go to Starbucks, or a movie, or the jazz concert we are planning to attend... We'd both like to get together with another couple we've been close to for 30 years, since high school, but he drinks, alot, and I'm just not ready for that yet, it's kind of a shame because we've spent New Years Eve together for the last, oh, 20 years. My wife, though she won't make a point of telling me so as not to hurt my feelings, will miss that...
I know I am an alcoholic. I can't drink just one, and come to think of it, I can't remember when I could... Just one would arouse my appetite and leave me longing for more, and that was worse than none. Now I don't have any and it's better that way.
Only you can say if you are an alcoholic. I can't say that you are, your wife cannot say that you are not.... If you are, then attempting to drink like your non alcoholic wife will probably, at some point, fail... Perhaps you should go ahead and try to drink just one. Bill Wilson, co-founder of AA, in fact recommends to those who aren't sure if they're alcoholic, that they try exactly what your wife has suggested. If you are not alcoholic, it may work.
What, really, do you think?
My wife has always and still does enjoy one white wine spritzer at the end of the night. She is not alcoholic. Some nights I don't mind it, some nights I do. But that's beside the point...
As much as she is my soulmate and that we are still very much "in love", my recovery process has not been easy for us...
How nice it would be if I could cuddle up with her at the end of the night and have one glass of wine with her. She would enjoy that as much as I would... But I can't. Although we are really too old to go out clubbing, I know she would like to, but I don't see that in our future, at least for now, I couldn't have any fun, or worse, I might start drinking... so we go to Starbucks, or a movie, or the jazz concert we are planning to attend... We'd both like to get together with another couple we've been close to for 30 years, since high school, but he drinks, alot, and I'm just not ready for that yet, it's kind of a shame because we've spent New Years Eve together for the last, oh, 20 years. My wife, though she won't make a point of telling me so as not to hurt my feelings, will miss that...
I know I am an alcoholic. I can't drink just one, and come to think of it, I can't remember when I could... Just one would arouse my appetite and leave me longing for more, and that was worse than none. Now I don't have any and it's better that way.
Only you can say if you are an alcoholic. I can't say that you are, your wife cannot say that you are not.... If you are, then attempting to drink like your non alcoholic wife will probably, at some point, fail... Perhaps you should go ahead and try to drink just one. Bill Wilson, co-founder of AA, in fact recommends to those who aren't sure if they're alcoholic, that they try exactly what your wife has suggested. If you are not alcoholic, it may work.
What, really, do you think?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Dirty Jerz... Duh :)
Posts: 85
Need2quit, I would highly recommend that you find yourself a copy of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. This doesn't mean you have to go to meetings, or talk to people, or even quit drinking. However the book, especially the beginning chapters including Doctor's Opinion and More About Alcoholism describe the drink problem better than I ever could. If you find by reading that you identify and think you may have a problem, the news gets better! There is a solution and it is outlined in the rest of the book. There are other ways to tackle the problem, but the only one that has ever worked for me is AA. I am sure that others can attest as well. Just my suggestion on the issue. It wont take much of your time and could pay off immensely. Best of luck and God bless.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 150
I don't think I could just have one need2quitnow....... not as this point anyway. I feel like once I got a good taste I would go 'ah yes, this is how good it can be' and want more. Actually, I *know* I would do that, even thinking about it, says I would do that!
You shouldn't HAVE to drink. Though my partner has also said to me 'you know drinking socially when out is okay, when everyone else is drinking'...........but I will make that decision for myself, because I know how out of control I can get.......and I am done with embarrassing myself!
You shouldn't HAVE to drink. Though my partner has also said to me 'you know drinking socially when out is okay, when everyone else is drinking'...........but I will make that decision for myself, because I know how out of control I can get.......and I am done with embarrassing myself!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
Yea, what dirtyjerz says... Need 2Quit, you don't even need to go to a meeting to get the book... The title is simply "Alcoholics Anonymous" and is in the self help, addiction section of Borders, Barnes and Noble, wherever...
You can get one at an AA meeting
, they cost less there, heck they'll even give you one free, if you need them to.
You can get one at an AA meeting
, they cost less there, heck they'll even give you one free, if you need them to.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: New York
Posts: 27
I think that it may help your wife if she educated herself about the issue. Drinking for people with drinking problems and for those without are apples and oranges. It's like saying that a person with diabetes can safely have "just a little of the chocolate brownies because I can." It does sound like she is having trouble negotiating how your social life will look without you drinking.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,784
I relapsed so many times, and so badly, from thinking I could moderate my drinking. I can only maintain sobriety if I don't drink at all anymore. I've tried and failed too many times to do it even once more. So for me, not touching a drop is the only way to go - but it's very much worth it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 7
Thanks so much for all your candid replies. It was simply great to read every single reply this morning when I got up.
I am proud of myself that I only had 2 drinks. I don't know if this worked for me or not or I was just plain lucky, but I had decided with my wife that I will not have more than 2 drinks before even my friends came over. In fact, I was the slowest drinker of all of us. When my friend asked me, if I want more, I said no..but my wife pressed my hand and said "yeah make one for him too". Well, I took my time to drink the 2nd one and was perfectly fine last evening.
But as I said earlier, I did go through all your replies and found lot of good advice there. In fact, since this is the weekend, there just happens to be a Christmas party today (i.e Sunday), and we are going there with a few friends. And today, I will not even touch a single glass of alcohol. I have already decided that I will focus on appetizers and food instead.
I don't want to make this a long post, but talking to my wife this morning, we kinda figured out one more thing about me. I drink out of boredom (another excuse?). So, for example when my friends came over yesterday, they are really fun friends and I enjoy with them a lot, so I really didnt even feel the need for drinking and the same thing happened the day before when I went out with another set of friends(and I really didnt drink then) What happens with me is when I go to big social gatherings and I get left alone for a moment, at that time alcohol becomes my best friend to get rid of the boredom..and after that there is no looking back..coz once I start drinking there is no looking back.
Despite, things going well so far I definitely call myself an alcoholic because I have been guilty of hiding alcohol in every place possible in the house, taking gulps here and there even during weekdays, and always buying the "big wine bottle".
I will update you all when I get back from the Christmas party today.
I am proud of myself that I only had 2 drinks. I don't know if this worked for me or not or I was just plain lucky, but I had decided with my wife that I will not have more than 2 drinks before even my friends came over. In fact, I was the slowest drinker of all of us. When my friend asked me, if I want more, I said no..but my wife pressed my hand and said "yeah make one for him too". Well, I took my time to drink the 2nd one and was perfectly fine last evening.
But as I said earlier, I did go through all your replies and found lot of good advice there. In fact, since this is the weekend, there just happens to be a Christmas party today (i.e Sunday), and we are going there with a few friends. And today, I will not even touch a single glass of alcohol. I have already decided that I will focus on appetizers and food instead.
I don't want to make this a long post, but talking to my wife this morning, we kinda figured out one more thing about me. I drink out of boredom (another excuse?). So, for example when my friends came over yesterday, they are really fun friends and I enjoy with them a lot, so I really didnt even feel the need for drinking and the same thing happened the day before when I went out with another set of friends(and I really didnt drink then) What happens with me is when I go to big social gatherings and I get left alone for a moment, at that time alcohol becomes my best friend to get rid of the boredom..and after that there is no looking back..coz once I start drinking there is no looking back.
Despite, things going well so far I definitely call myself an alcoholic because I have been guilty of hiding alcohol in every place possible in the house, taking gulps here and there even during weekdays, and always buying the "big wine bottle".
I will update you all when I get back from the Christmas party today.
Sober since 9th May 2008
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 2,973
Whatever you call yourself doesn't matter Need2quit.
Its the same with however you choose to recover from the place you were in as well.
As long as you're happy and doing fine, thats the main thing.
Its the same with however you choose to recover from the place you were in as well.
As long as you're happy and doing fine, thats the main thing.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: north yorkshire, england
Posts: 1,891
I agree that it doesnt matter what you call yourself, the only thing that matters is that you are truthful to yourself.
I cant quite understand why it matters so much to your wife if you drink or not, has she explained her reasons for believing that abstinance wont last and moderation will?
I only ask because everyone Ive ever asked, from fellow alcoholics to medical people have said the complete opposite.
I would love to be able to have a couple of drinks every now and then but ive proved to my own cost that it just doesnt work for me, I really hope you are successful and please keep us updated. x
I cant quite understand why it matters so much to your wife if you drink or not, has she explained her reasons for believing that abstinance wont last and moderation will?
I only ask because everyone Ive ever asked, from fellow alcoholics to medical people have said the complete opposite.
I would love to be able to have a couple of drinks every now and then but ive proved to my own cost that it just doesnt work for me, I really hope you are successful and please keep us updated. x
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