Change4life

I know I have to find help, i just havent been able to decide exactly what im willing to do. I know u all tell me to do whatever it takes, but Im just not there yet. For now im back to weaning.

To answer you IO when I dont drink my nerves are severely rattled and i shake not just my hands I feel like my whole body is comig unraveled. When iwake up im soaking wet and cold. Everything in my back hurts. I could probably work through all that, but when I work I need to think and I cant when I dont drink. All my thoughts are confused I find it gard to complete a sentence. I cant focus and I stutter. My paranoia sets in and that is not agood thing when your a waitress. Never mind the naseau im use to that ive been puking everyday now for probably 15 years or more. Ok some mornings I dont, but thats rare. I have gotten to a point where I just cant do anything without alcohol. I try to drink only enough to settle my nerves, but once I start I cant stop. Im really concerned about my kidneys and liver. I could just be paranoid, but it feels like thats where the pain is.

I know what I should do, but I dont know what I will do. The addiction is screwing with me big time. imtrying you guys I really am. I know some of you dont agree with my method, but I admit I am too scared to take any drastic steps. I might just be fooling myself I dont know. Only time will tell. No matter what ends up happening to me I just want to let you know how much I love ALL of you!

I really want to be able to come here somedayand say I have so and so many years clean.
Still working on it

Anna

Beth,

I do love you and have always had faith in you.

But, when you say you're too scared to take any drastic steps, I feel like you just don't see the danger. I was absolutely terrified when I knew I had to stop drinking, but I was more afraid of losing my life.

Dee74

I think you will - but you know as well as I do you're gonna need more than little band aid steps B...

but I get it - I was there - it takes time to admit that, and to get used to the idea. Just don't do what I did and put off the hard decisions indefinitely.

hugs
D

Jomey

Beth, I don't know you very well, but your posts are very touching. You DO have a lot to offer, and I can only imagine how hard it would be to throw it into the wind by taking some "drastic measures" to get well. Please let that be what you choose to do. Please.

Change4life

ksplash you put forward a lot of good stuff. In the short periods of time my brain is working im extremely interested in buddhist philo. I read ur post and I got some things out of it, but I will have to read it again to be clear. I know what u say is true, but its hard to put the truth into practice. Im gonna keep working on it. Im really not one to give up. Ive come so far. I mean allthe drugs I was addicted to and I havent taken anything in 13 months. That says something i think? And I know some will say I just replaced the drugs with alcohol, but i was drinking and drugging sothe drinking has been here all along.

Sorry so long winded, but my headis slightly clearer than usual. Many days I cant even post. Just making up for lost time.

Aysha

I myself never expect you to magically decide to give it all up and be sober at the drop of a hat.
I could talk til I am blue in the face. But nothing I say will matter if your not willing to do it.
We all have our own ways of getting where we need to go.
There is no doubt in my mind that you will get to that place where youve had enough.
I am just glad you havent given up Beth.
I have followed your story for over a year now and considering the circumstances youve been through. You always try. You always come back.
And only you know what is going to work for you.
And alot of times we learn from trial and error.
You have done it before. I know in my heart you will do it again.
Just never give up the fight Beth. As bad and hopeless as it may seem sometimes. ALways keep a glimmer of light shining somewhere in your heart.
You have gotten alot of wonderful caring responses here. And thats because we truly care about you.
And I didnt read all of ksplash's post. But I know it was good HELPFUL post. From the heart.
It doesnt take a philospher or an intelect to care about soemone. And noone here claimed to be as far as I seen. I think sometimes people need to humble themselves and choose their words better.
Just as we all have our own ways to recover..We all have our own ways to help soemone in need.

You do what you feel you need to do. Just know there are always people that care about you.

Change4life

phaleron, love the puppy!

I have to decide what im more afraid of. the challenges of life or dying. Sounds really crazy and messed up, but death just sounds easier and its inevitable anyway. Does the time frame really matter?
a bit morbid sorry.... just what im thinking

Dee74

it's typical addict talk B.
If you *really* wanted to die you wouldn't have fought this so long, or kept posting here

Recovery's not easy - it just might be the hardest thing you'll ever do - but it's worth it.
You're worth it
D

gypsytears

Stop thinking and start doing Beth. The hospital option seems to be calling you .

Change4life

chy I totally decided to give it all up a long time ago. I just dont know exactly how to go about it. My life has improved so much without the drugs. Booze is the next step its just been hard. Please dont think I am a stubborn ass. Im just confused and struggling. at least im still struggling havent given up.

Brightening

As a tattoo artist I am curious and concerned, Beth. Do you ever attach your individuality and independence, at least in some small way, to drinking? Especially how it relates to your music? Not your performance or accomplishments, I mean. I mean your passion for making it. Many artists fall into the trap of wondering how they will ever be able to continue their artistic identity without drinking, especially in the bar scene that local musicians depend on. Sometimes, also, the suffering that drinking either creates or masks comes out in art, and your subconscience rails against losing that "fodder". It's because, for better or worse, suffering or happy, we never want to be "boring"...it goes against everything we have built ourselves to be. With myself, its simply a lot of temptation when a client asks me out for drinks as gratitude. It's tough to turn down free booze, but that's just what I've done the past few days. And you know what? Waking up without a hangover IS boring. Blissfully peacefully boring.

It sounds like you are very physically dependent, and getting help IMHO needs to be your first priority. As others have said, the anxiety about apartment and waitress job are merely Beast Beth screaming at Real Beth to go back in the corner and let her run the show. Real Beth is scared that she will lose everything if she stands and fights the Beast. And, for right now, she may lose those things. But I have a feeling that once Beast Beth is no longer in control, Real Beth will get back on track in no time. Courage!

Aysha

I know your not stubborn Beth...It is scary.
Trust me..I have been there.
Walkign away from everything is alot easier said than done.
All I can say is..I know you wont give up. VEen if you think you want to. I dont think you have it in you to give up completely.
You will get to that point where your only option will be to let it all go and save yourself at all cost.
Noone can make you do it. It has to be in your time.
Unfortunately sometimes thats how it goes.
I just hope you get to that point before its too late.
You are one of the ones I have alot in common with. I relate to alot of what you post.
Even now...I was the same way. And I am nowhere near clean and sober. But liek you..I keep trying.
But I do believe you need to at least try and make an effort somehow.
If not going all out and going to treatment. Try a meeting. Make some calls and see what you can do to get the F2F help you need and still keep you home and job.
There are alternatives.
I am not a DR..Nor a clinician. I cant say how crucial your situation is.
Just dont sit idling and hopeing it goes away. Do soemthing. Anything.
And I think alot of it is depression related. Get some help with that too.
Call Social services. EVen go to the ER for a few day detox and ask for ways that you can get help. There are alot of options out there. But you have to ask...You have to make some moves.
Dont punk out and take the easy way out by destroying yourself.
I know thats not what you really want or you wouldnt be reaching out. Like Dee said.
I know you want it. So do soemthing about it.
We all seen you do great there for what..8 or 9 mos? You did it. And I know you can again.
I will never give up hope for you. I pray you dont either.
Much love my friend.

Impurrfect

((Beth))

I agree with the others...I don't see you giving up. I also agree with Trish...I see a lot of her in you, and I see a lot of ME in both of you.

We all have to find our own way to that point where we've had enough and are just sick and tired enough to do what we have to do. I just hope you reach that point before it's too late.

You have a lot of people, here, who care a lot about you. I'm glad to see that you're still posting and that there's a part of you that still gives a damn and does want to keep trying.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

OnRecoveryRoad

[quote=Change4life;2009904]I dont have a Dr I have no insurance.

Have you tried contacting the Salvation Army? They have programs for individuals who need help but do not have the $$.

Just a thought...just because you don't have $$ doesn't mean that help isn't out there. It is. Salvation Army. AA meetings etc..

Hope this helps.

choose2bhappy

I really hope you will just go walk into a hospital ER. Don't worry about inurance (medicaid?) I knew a girl who had to go to rehab for three months and faced losing her job and her apartment but she got another chance at life. Your addiction is telling you you cant do it. It is a cunning manipulative powerful disease.

There is sober liviing upon release from rehab in many places. Once you are better you will have a clear head and you will be able to do so much more.

I was a mess at one point in my life...up for days, I was overweight, drinking, depressed. Through sobriety (pre-relapse) I lost a ton of weight, went to school and had a son. I never would have thought I could do that when I was all whacked out...and if I didn't get sober I would not have. Go today. Don't even think just go.

Change4life

exactly bright, everyhting you said! I think I have no pesonality without drinking and I dont really feel like playing if I dont have a buzz. without that buzz im quiet as hell and dont like to play in front of or be around people. My best friend tells me my personality is way better without drinking, btu I dont see that at all.

Im trying to drink less. Somedays it works, most days is doesnt. Yesterday would be one of those days. Fridays are the worst. Needless to say I feel like crap today.
The hospital is close enough for me to walk, but Im getting in the shower now to go to work, probably with a 6 pk in tow. I feel like a hopeless drunk today. I know so mny of you are trying to help, but I just dont know why I wont do what I need to.

Fear I guess and what bright said.

IO Storm

Beth.

Sure, you feel you have no personality without the booze to "spark it into life."

Usually..not one, or two..maybe the third, fourth? Or sixth?

Your body..all the while is taking the beating. Continuously.

And the soul suffers. Your true personality, you see..Beth..hasn't had a chance

to peep out from under all that "cover."

The physical illness..which is the body valiantly trying to throw off the poison

after another onslaught..makes our personality suffer yet again.

And we don't like that personality. We call it remorse.

Sobriety will give you a chance, for the first time in 15 years Beth, to see

what a beautiful, vibrant, charming personality you do have.

You do have it. We see it. Without any props or "sparks"..

Please seek treatment.

Love,

Sher

Dee74

Beth this is the kind of stuff alcoholics and addicts tell themselves, whether theyre artists musicians or not.

It's a lie - the idea that we're somehow better, or that life is somehow more rich when we're fkd up is rubbish. Waking up without a hangover is not boring. That's nonsense.

No we never do - and we never give it a chance, like IO says.

But I see it very clearly now from this side of the fence. I bet IO does too.

It's not lip service - we're not just mouthing the words Beth LOL.

Life sober is not only possible, it's preferable
D

Change4life

I havent been sober in 31 years. its scairy. I dont want to drink today ireally dont, but Im afraid not to. If I go to work without Im afraid im gonna be aall fd. If i bring it just in case I know ill drink it just cause its there

IO Storm

Beth...

One more thing.

Just look at the famous musicians who have gained sobriety. They all agree that

their music is better. Their genius was able to shine forth...their true spirit,

not the medicated one. Listen to these things.

And Dee..great share.

Hugs Beth