Im losing the battle, need to tell someone how I feel
 

Ive lost any ability I might have had to stop drinking. not only have i been unable to stop i just keep drinking more. The more I drink the sicker I get. The sicker I get the more I drink to stop the withdrawal, anxiety and depression. I know I have to stop, I feel my body wearing down, the way I think is changing, ive been flying off the handle over ridiculous things. I keep falling and have some pretty bad bruises from some of the falls. Went bouncing down the steps and really hurt my back. Swore I would stop and picked up the next day. Been having what I think were fainting spells, but I think one of the times was a seizure, when I realized something was wrong I was on the floor disoriented and my body was shaking. I cant remember what i did most of the time. I dont really eat anymore. Im either in bed or drinking. my boss keeps telling me to stop and a minute later I open another can. The last time I passed out was at work. Thank God no customers were there, but he was all freaked out. I know he doesnt want to fire cause im a good worker drunk and all, but he might not be so forgiving in the future. I think I need to be hospitalized, but Im not willing to go at this time. I know Im killing myself slowly and I cant stop.

Change,

Wow! Thanks for your post and your honesty! It's going to really scarry junctures for you with your drinking! I, too, had & have scars and bruises all over my body, fall, bounce off walls and stairs -- just to mention a few.
Alcohol is lying to you saying "you don't have the ability to stop drinking". You sound as if you are a true alcoholic and there is recovery for us. Have you talked to a doctor or have any AA history with going to meetings?

Maybe YOU can't do this thing alone, I know I can't! Are you really at a place where you want to surrender and give it up??? Keep posting. I'd like to know more. This is a "we" disease not a "me" disease!

Hugs xoxox,
Nicki

You know that this is life and death, right?
Whether you believe that you are a good worker or not, your boss is going to have to fire you, that is way too huge of a liability to ask someone to take on.

And I do not think you have a choice about being hospitalized, that is what you are going to need. Wouldn't it be a relief? To finally be rid of the monkey on your back?

I am sorry that I do not know your story. you have obviously been around for a while and posted a lot but I have not bee around too long. What is your longest period of sobriety? Why aren't you willing to save yourself?

My prayers are with you. You are not alone. :Val004:

Welcome back Beth!

My bruises were taking longer and longer to heal. How much more do you think your body can take?

Someone here posted that they went to the hospital and said "Help me or I'll drink again.." They were treated with compassion and care.

Please get help.

B,

You can stop this - anytime you like.
Walk into an ER, walk into a rehab, walk into a meeting.

The alternative? what you're living now is the *best* of it.

Your call, Beth.
D

Come on Beth. Get help. Call your boss, a friend, or 911. Right now. CHOOSE LIFE.

Here it is Beth
 

Yesterday from 1963Comet

Thanks Comet!

I dont have a Dr I have no insurance. Im not sure why Ive given up on life, but I pretty much have. The only thing that really keeps me going is my music, but even that has been disappointing lately. Our last gig was a disaster our egotistical guitar player screwed it up for all of us and Ive been severely depressed since cause the band has basically broken up. If I go to rehab I will lose my job and apartment and the prospect of being homeless again is not one I am to thrilled about. I feel like everything in my life is hanging by a thread. I just dont care most of the time. This is the first time ive been clear headed enough to reach out. I guess thats something

Beth,

I'm so glad to see you.

You know what you need to do. You do need a hospital. You do need medical help.

Please take the step to help yourself.

Beth,

You can get another job and another apartment.

This is your life you're talking about.

Beth~ I haven't been around long since I'm new to SR. But please, go get help, you cannot give up on yourself! I know it's overwhelming, I know it feels like there is no way out, but there is!!! You don't have insurance, but you cannot be refused medical attention if you go to an ER, right?

I know - there's a million reasons why you can't. I was just like that.

But as Anna said - this is yr life here - nothings more important than that.
It took nearly dying for me to realise that.

Don't go that far.

I know Carol D has mentioned Salvation Army free detox...there must be things like that around.

It's not great I know - I'm sorry - it sucks to get to the point where no choice looks good....but getting sober is the only way of getting out of the crapfest.

I've been there. I got out. You can too.

But you can't go on like this. Keep this up and, at best, you'll lose all the stuff you say you can't lose anyway.

D

The vast majority of hospitals in the U.S. can not refuse medical treatment because of your inability to pay. I know every single hospital in my town (we have several) has a big sign up in every waiting room and admissions area that says so. The rules might be different at fancy, private hospitals in very large cities, but those are the kinds of hospitals that most people go to anyway. ;)

You can get a new job. You can find a new place to live. You can't get a new you. You're reaching out so you must have SOME desire to make things better. Otherwise you'd have kept it to yourself and continued drinking. If even one tiny atom in your body wants to get better, please listen to it.

I know i need medical attention,but I dont know that I can find another job. i racked up quite a rap sheet when I was still doing drugs. Getting a new apartment isnt that easy. My roomate has wanted me out for 3 months now. I look everyday and havent been able to find anything I can afford. im not willing to do anything it takes. At this point its easier to crawl up in a ball and die. I did call my drummer and told him I need I need help. He called my one of my friends and they are on there way over to take me to get something to eat and talk. They know I drink, but had no idea I drink daily to the extent I do. I dont know what if anything they can do, but its a start. At least I will finally have someone to talk to. In the meantime I am so friggin nauseaus and nervous, but Im too sick to take myself to the liquor store. Im going to try and take enought ime off work to at least go to detox, cause there is no way I can do a month in rehab.
I thought getting off the drugs was hard, but the booze is ridiculously harder.

Beth - I know exactly how you feel because I was there last year around this time. I made it out after 25 yrs. and so can you. I understand all the feelings of desperation, dread and fear you're having, but nothing can get better until you get the garbage out of your system. There is no moderation any more for us, no having just a few, we are poisoned with this crap, and our bodies can't keep coming back from the battle. I know a sober life seems impossible and so far out of your reach, but I know you can make it. Everyone here cares about you and is pulling for you. Please give yourself a chance to be the person you are meant to be. Love, Joanie

I am glad to see you back Beth.

There are ways to get treatment. Medicaid for one. And for new apartments and jobs. They help with that stuff too.
I dont know much about the salvation army. But I have seen it mentioned alot here.

I have a record too. Felonies..robbery..drugs..prostitution. If I can find a job. Anyone can.
Its not easy..Its not. But it isnt impossible.
I hope you get some help. I hope your friends can help you see that.
But you have to want it too. Just walking into an ER isnt going to do it.
You dont have to go through this. But that is up to you.

Please don't give up. There are programs out there for people who don't have insurance. Most also have follow up programs who help their residents find jobs afterwards I know, I work in the field. You have to know that your life is precious!

I'm glad you're going to talk to someone. You're absolutely right, it's a start.

*hugs*

As long as you keep taking small steps in the right direction, you will eventually get there. Just don't stop.

****{Beth}}}

beth and you wont in time if you dont go to rehab?

its way easier to start fresh, anew, then to try to pull all of that off trashed beth...

and agreed, the sal. army...

around here, its a good roof, decent food, a good recovery program, and chance to a new, way beter life

all good wishes beth

rz

(((Beth)))

What I had to do was jump in headfirst. Get help, go to the hospital, worry about the price and consequences later. As Anna said, this is your life. There's always another job, another apartment. You've only got the one life.

Please, don't give up. :hug: