nickishine

Last night was hell. I knew I couldn't drink because of taking Antabuse. I had a very busy day of head & house cleaning and thought with only a couple days sobriety I could wear myself out physically to finally be able to sleep. Laid in that bed and my mind was spinning and my body couldn't relax. Couldn't focus even on one thought except what a waste my life has amounted to. Self loathing and memories (many of them) of being a failure and not being able to follow through with continuity in my life. The broken relationships and the time lost from boozing it up --- everything negative ran ramped in my mind. I don't know if I'll ever feel good about myself when I can't even face myself in the mirror -- really seeing me. I know the facades and wear them well but inside I am screaming!!! The pretty face that used to turn heads is now hard to even lift and look someone in the eye. I want this to get better but it seems like a nightmare that will never go away. I know you've felt this way too. Please share with me some of your thoughts and experiences so I feel "This Too Shall Pass"....

Another thing.... I just started on this website -- found it by accident. I'm having a hard time navigating through this thing!!! Is there anyone who can give me some step by step directions??? Am I allowed to post my e-mail address and get a someone's phone #??? Probably not. If you can help please let me know! Thanks!

bstt03

This too shall pass! I am not sure how long you drank for and how long you have been sober??? There are going to be many changes ups downs etc. However if the depression continues I would definitely see a doctor. They say that alcohol can mask depression and that it is very common to be depressed after quitting.

Sugah

nickishine, yes, this too shall pass. It won't all go away at once, but if you're willing to give it your all, it will get better.

It's suggested that you not post your e-mail address on the open forums, but you can exchange e-mail addresses and phone numbers via private message--but please, please be careful. Don't share personal, identifying information. Though the majority of folks here want nothing more than to help, this is the internet. Private messaging through the website is much safer. You can click on a user's name, and in then on the "Contact Info" tab to private message them.

Hang in there. Keep posting. The Alcoholism, Alcoholism - 12 Step Support, and Women's Forums (you are female?) are all good places to post as well.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

Hevyn

Welcome to a wonderful, life-saving place, Nicki. You and I are exactly alike in terms of beating ourselves up, hanging our heads, and being filled with remorse. As much as they tell us we can't live in the past, it's so hard to pull ourselves out of the despair. Once I did that, though, I began to heal. I spent years drinking, walking the floors, and grieving over things I'd done. I let other's opinions of me and their attitudes color how I felt every day. No more! Stand up and fight for your life and throw off all that old baggage. You were put here to enjoy yourself and do good things with the time you've been given. A dear friend I have on here keeps reminding me, once you've apologized and done all you can to make amends & fix things, you have to move past it. If people refuse to understand or can't, then it becomes their problem, not yours. Hold that head up and see the person you really are underneath all the sorrow. You can learn to live again in a whole new way. Keep reading and sharing here, it's saved my life. Love, Joanie

Dean62

I had this happen to me more then once and know plenty of others who have had the same thing. The first time in a treatment center it took me 5 days before I finally got up in the middle of a meeting a went to my room and fell asleep.

Having a hard time sleeping after we sober up is very common and so is the racing mind thing. It's amazing how many thoughts you can have racing through your mind at one time when sobering up. It does pass with time. Stay sober and work a good recovery program and you will leave behind a racing mind and find peace and serenity.

Hang in there.

November77

Hi Nicki, I know what you are going through. I have been sober for 7 days and it's hard. Tomorrow I have this holiday employee party to go to. They have an open bar there. And they frown on people who do not show up. So I'm really sweating this. I don't know, what a time to quit drinking. But, I had to, it was getting way out of hand.

lisa t

hi nicki,
i too had the sleepless nights in the beginning of sobriety but it does pass with time. since becoming sober in january 07, i have had more good nights sleep than i think i've had since i was a baby. even when i was drinking i never got a good nights sleep...i would pass out for sure, but somewhere around 2 or 3 am i'd be awake with my mind racing worrying about all of awful things i had done when drinking and how i couldn't seem to take care of the daily tasks, cooking, cleaning, working, paying the bills and trying to fix all of my problems in the middle of the night. i don't do that anymore. i am now for the first time many years a productive, happy member of society and i take full responsibility every day for all of my life! the best part for me besides no hangovers, no puking, no lying is that i remember everything i do in a given day and i now have the high self esteem that everyone looking in always thought i had, i was great actress when i was drinking, but it was all an illusion. you are in the right place and you are doing the right thing! keep coming back! you are in my thoughts & prayers! please send me a private messg if you have any questions or need help with anything...i'm here for you!
in love & peace,
Lisa

lisa t

november,
when i have a work function that i have to show up at ie: holiday party, dinner function, etc.. i always show up at the very tail end of the cocktail hour and leave as soon as dinner is over, i find it very uncomfortable standing around any bar making idle conversation, so i don't do it! as for people noticing you aren't drinking...i don't worry about it...i usually get a club soda w/ lemon and they put a swizzle stick in it so nobody is the wiser and if they are so concerned about what i am or am not drinking, i usually just say i don't feel like it...no explanations needed and believe me most people are so self absorbed that they don't notice and if they do don't care..they are worried about their own good time....don't stress about...get in..get out and stay sober!!! you will do great!!!
in love & peace,
Lisa

nickishine

:praying:praying:prayingI've been on this roller-coaster from hell starting from my late teens (I didn't drink like the "rest" of them). Now 20+ yrs later.... suffice it to say IT'S GOTTEN WORSE! In & out of rehabs, AA/NA, etc.... the binges have taken me into solitary confinement of my house and my head. I used to be able to go out & "party"... the cute girl who could "do it up right".... That all has changed. Now I have 3 days sobriety and I do have support, thank God. My depression (I'm pretty sure) is cuz of where I'm at with getting sober.

I know what it's like coming in and out and feeling like such a f up and holding my head in shame then going back out and creating more wreckage, hence, guilt - shame - remorse and all the severe hatred/anger that I feel for myself. Today.... I won't drink. If I have to stay on this computer all night, I will. I do have some help with medication, however, that won't allow me to drink -- I'm sure that's a good thing, right??

Still not used to getting this going right with this site. Hopefully it will post to all you all who responded to me. And..... thank you!!

Anna

Hi,

I can sure relate to how difficult early sobriety. I was so full of shame and guilt that I would end up drinking again, just because the feelings were overwhelming. Be patient with yourself and know that it takes time. That's one of the hardest things I had to learn in recovery - patience.

You're doing great and I'm glad that you're posting.

lisa t

hang in there Nicki...and you are right...if you need to stay on here and read every post..DO IT...whatever it takes!!
my thoughts are with you...you can do this!!

Lisa

David69

Welcome to SR Nicki......you have started on a road that is tough but well worth it! Do not dwell on past mistakes or errors in judgement. Focus on why you are here and your future. Looking back into the dark will come at some point but this early on you should be focused on the future...the light. Read as much as you can about others and their struggles.....it will help you deal with your own. Post as much as you can...about whatever you need to....this will help you as well. Not going to be easy but if anything, it sure is interesting!!! Good luck and best wishes!!

Theresa

Perhaps it was here on this forum, or somewhere else, where I read a line that helps me with my shame: "Concentrate on your character, not on your reputation."

This is helpful to me because it doesn't help to worry about my past big mistakes and flub ups--my reputation, that is, from past acts. But I can certainly deal with my character today by making the best possible choices I can. It is so easy to be lazy and make bad choices, so I keep telling/asking myself, "Well the reputation is shot, could I please work on that character?"

Tommyh

hi welcome to SR

a lot of good people here
sure you can find some really good help!
Keep coming back..

Tommy

CarolD

My guilt and shame over my drinking vanished
when I did my formal AA Steps 4 & 5.

...Perhaps it's time to get back to a structured program?

Blessings

nickishine

Yes, I am female... and thanks for referring me wisely! I appreciate the support I am rec'ing here. I'll "keep coming back"! Nicki

nickishine

Thanks! Good luck this evening at the party. A friend of mine has suggested to me to carry a bottled water in my hand whenever I'm in that kind'a scene... I'm going to give that a shot and see how it feels.... been drinking a lot of H2O lately and feel my body starting to get better. Let us know how things go for you tonite...

nickishine

Thank you soooo much!:ghug3 I needed to hear that. It's tough because I live in a Tahoe and the area has about 30,000 people... everyone knows someone who knows someone.... I've had the rep of a drinker, AA member (who couldn't stay sober), etc... I really can't change how people think of me. I am sooo insecure with myself however. I need to concentrate more on, like you said, changing my character. I love that and hope to remember it. Take care!

nickishine

Thanks! And yes, I'm starting off with 2 mtgs a week that I have committed to with a freind in recovery who has 15 yrs. My reputation feels shot in the big mtgs in this area of Tahoe -- the "well & wonderful clickish" groups. I just can't take the humiliation right now. My vanity has something to do with it to. I hate to admit it, but when I started going to the mtgs where I live years ago I was such a cute thing. Now I'm aged and ugly to me. I have always relied on the exterior to guide me through life. I don't have that to rely on anymore. It's probably a good thing so I can truly start dealing with the inside of me. Just being honest. Your thoughts??