More Strugglin'....
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Posts: 12,136
My addictions counsellor told me that I needed to look at my parents as though they were a hardware store ... and asked me why I kept going to the hardware store when I needed lettuce.
A strange analogy, perhaps, but it helped me to see that I've been going to them for something they didn't have (compassion, support etc). I've learned to come here or to an AA meeting when I need lettuce .. and well .. when I need some nuts and bolts
I call my parents.
My parents have been quite cruel, also. It's only been through several years of meetings and therapy that I have been able to move past this, and to forgive them their shortcomings.
I'm glad you're okay, Deedums. Mega
A strange analogy, perhaps, but it helped me to see that I've been going to them for something they didn't have (compassion, support etc). I've learned to come here or to an AA meeting when I need lettuce .. and well .. when I need some nuts and bolts
I call my parents. My parents have been quite cruel, also. It's only been through several years of meetings and therapy that I have been able to move past this, and to forgive them their shortcomings.
I'm glad you're okay, Deedums. Mega
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Posts: 1,397
When I read your initial post this morning, Dee, I immediately thought of my dad. He's brought me to tears more times than I can count. Thankfully, though, I've gotten a thicker skin because of it.
(In my case, I'm certain that he loves me dearly and he'd be mortified to know just how overly critical, dismissive, and condescending he comes across.)
A year or so ago I came across a news item explaining that we lose our thought/words filter as we age... The following is a link to a similar article. Hope you're able to open it, because it made some sense to me.
Senior Citizens Are Not Rude, Just Have Uninhibited, Aging Brains
Hang in there, Dee. And thanks -- as usual -- for sharing. :ghug3
Liz
PS. Great analogy, Ro -- the lettuce and nuts/bolts...
(In my case, I'm certain that he loves me dearly and he'd be mortified to know just how overly critical, dismissive, and condescending he comes across.)
A year or so ago I came across a news item explaining that we lose our thought/words filter as we age... The following is a link to a similar article. Hope you're able to open it, because it made some sense to me.
Senior Citizens Are Not Rude, Just Have Uninhibited, Aging Brains
Hang in there, Dee. And thanks -- as usual -- for sharing. :ghug3
Liz
PS. Great analogy, Ro -- the lettuce and nuts/bolts...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
LOL I love the fact that article is Australian 
thanks Liz.
For the moment I'm drawing a line under this - lifes moved on today and I'm concentrating on the good things (and ppl) in my life and stuff....as liz says - I'm growing a thicker skin every time...and moving that bit farther away...
thanks to everyone
D
thanks Liz.
For the moment I'm drawing a line under this - lifes moved on today and I'm concentrating on the good things (and ppl) in my life and stuff....as liz says - I'm growing a thicker skin every time...and moving that bit farther away...
thanks to everyone
D
CindeRella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life!
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Spreading my wings
Posts: 7,163
Dee Dee 
This thread has brought tears to my eyes (Yeah we all know that is not hard to do!
)
So sorry that you are going through this......and glad you did not play in traffic tonight!
There is so much support and love in this thread to such a compassionate, caring man that is so deserving of nothing
but the best in life. It took me so long to "forgive" my mother for all the hurtful things not only that she did but said
to me when I was younger-I was adopted and the words she used one night were so disturbing she was so angry
at me because I too was angry and stated that I wanted to find my birth mother she responded with
"Go find your birth mother because she did not want you either".
I truly believe after years of working through my past (And yup still working!) that our parents try
to do the best they can with the hand that they were dealt....do I think it is right for your Mum or
any parent to use harsh degrading words that damage us? NO! However I do feel that what was
said because she is as was stated riddled with guilt and is not capable emotionally to handle things
any other way but than in a joking fashion. It covers their pain and guilt...or so they think. Just as
I did or you or anyone in this forum had a way of "hiding our feelings or covering them with other ways"
in order not to allow anyone to know the true pain we are or were in.
The courage and strength that you have shown to others in these forums is something for you
to be proud of! My little codie self has learned so much from you and love you for it-You are straight
forward and say what you mean and mean what you say...
I must agree with Stoney
that maybe counseling maybe something to consider as another
outlet and another "safe place" to let out all that you need.
It took me a long time to accept that my mother tried to do the best that she could-with 5 children
(1 which was manic, another who was an Alcoholic at age 13), Alcoholic husband, Sexual abusive father,
mother who did not know how to give or show love except through gifts (My Mom did the same..) and
a mental illness herself. My mother had a lot on her plate....does it excuse her or your Mum for using hurtful words?
No not at all ...however it is then when we have to step back and remove ourselves until we can work through
our past and forgive them for ourselves and try to allow acceptance and forgiveness in our lives...
(I love what Jules stated as I have heard that before too about Just because we forgive someone does
not mean we have to take them to lunch")
Ok I have babbled enough! So happy that your GF was with you and grateful that you have such
wonderful support in your life other than all of us of course!
Dee stand strong as you always do...consider Stoney's suggestion! It is an awesome one-
Love ya
Rellz
P.S. I would stick what RO RO said about shopping in the tool box unless you need some nuts & bolts! (Love that RO!)
This thread has brought tears to my eyes (Yeah we all know that is not hard to do!
)So sorry that you are going through this......and glad you did not play in traffic tonight!
There is so much support and love in this thread to such a compassionate, caring man that is so deserving of nothing
but the best in life. It took me so long to "forgive" my mother for all the hurtful things not only that she did but said
to me when I was younger-I was adopted and the words she used one night were so disturbing she was so angry
at me because I too was angry and stated that I wanted to find my birth mother she responded with
"Go find your birth mother because she did not want you either".
I truly believe after years of working through my past (And yup still working!) that our parents try
to do the best they can with the hand that they were dealt....do I think it is right for your Mum or
any parent to use harsh degrading words that damage us? NO! However I do feel that what was
said because she is as was stated riddled with guilt and is not capable emotionally to handle things
any other way but than in a joking fashion. It covers their pain and guilt...or so they think. Just as
I did or you or anyone in this forum had a way of "hiding our feelings or covering them with other ways"
in order not to allow anyone to know the true pain we are or were in.
The courage and strength that you have shown to others in these forums is something for you
to be proud of! My little codie self has learned so much from you and love you for it-You are straight
forward and say what you mean and mean what you say...
I must agree with Stoney
that maybe counseling maybe something to consider as another outlet and another "safe place" to let out all that you need.
It took me a long time to accept that my mother tried to do the best that she could-with 5 children
(1 which was manic, another who was an Alcoholic at age 13), Alcoholic husband, Sexual abusive father,
mother who did not know how to give or show love except through gifts (My Mom did the same..) and
a mental illness herself. My mother had a lot on her plate....does it excuse her or your Mum for using hurtful words?
No not at all ...however it is then when we have to step back and remove ourselves until we can work through
our past and forgive them for ourselves and try to allow acceptance and forgiveness in our lives...
(I love what Jules stated as I have heard that before too about Just because we forgive someone does
not mean we have to take them to lunch")
Ok I have babbled enough! So happy that your GF was with you and grateful that you have such
wonderful support in your life other than all of us of course!
Dee stand strong as you always do...consider Stoney's suggestion! It is an awesome one-
Love ya
Rellz
P.S. I would stick what RO RO said about shopping in the tool box unless you need some nuts & bolts! (Love that RO!)
Last edited by Rella927; 11-10-2008 at 09:46 PM.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Los Angeles, California
Posts: 8,326
Anyone see the movie "Throw Momma From the Train"? I loved that movie. I had a few moments when I wanted to do just that!
When I told my mom I was going to start therapy the first thing she said was: "Well, don't talk about ME. It's nobody's business!" LOL
Love,
Lenina
When I told my mom I was going to start therapy the first thing she said was: "Well, don't talk about ME. It's nobody's business!" LOL
Love,
Lenina
Today's Muse
Join Date: May 2007
Location: West end
Posts: 1,081
My heart goes out to you, Dee. I can relate. Families can be so difficult and they really can not understand. Unless they have walked a mile in our shoes, they simply can not understand what it is like to go through what we have and to overcome our challenges.
It will be one year since my sister screamed and yelled at me at a family gathering. It was utterly ridiculous and humiliating. She had her fist clenched and ready to hit me because she disagreed with a financial move I was going to make. Excuse me, but this is my money and my decision to make. I could not fathom that she would resort to such foolishness. Did she not realize what I have endured and overcome? Could she not give me some credit for making changes in my life? The answer is no. She can not fathom what I have overcome because she has not lived what I have lived. Not to mention, this display took place in front of both of my two children. It is with a deep sigh I'm reminded that the holidays are once again upon us. There are times I cherish the thought and times I hate it.
My mother is my hardest person to please, yet my biggest supporter. It has become every difficult to spend time around her. I do avoid her for my own sanity. My heart brakes when I hear how your mother's comments have hurt you. My mother's comments have done the same so I can feel your pain.
As a mother, I can not understand how one could willingly say hurtful things, yet my own drinking has hurt my children. This stings like nothing else. I can not imagine saying anything that would purposely hurt them, unless it is something dire. You know sometimes the truth hurts, but that rule does not apply with this situation.
If I knew some glib comment followed by a laugh hurt one of my children, I would be devastated. I do not want to hurt my children. I have done enough. I can only hope they can forgive me for my past and judge my for who I am today, not who I was.
I can relate to not bringing this up with your mother. Sometimes it is just easier to say nothing. If I approach my mother with her behavior it gets very ugly. She can not have a civil discussion when she is confronted. I can not stand to listen to her anger and negativity, so I keep quiet. Not being able to state my feelings freely, creates new resentments. Our mothers are supposed to be loving and nurturing. Shouldn't we be able to share our hurt with them? For some of us, the answer is no.
I'm sorry for this, I truly am. In times like these, I spend my time with friends who truly care and can understand. Having support is key and I'm grateful I have that. Keeping feelings locked inside destroys us. Thank you for sharing. Your share has helped me realize that we all have our cross to bare, some worse than others, regardless, pain is pain. I do not want to diminish anyone of their right to feel. The good news is, we do not have to go through the difficult times alone.
It will be one year since my sister screamed and yelled at me at a family gathering. It was utterly ridiculous and humiliating. She had her fist clenched and ready to hit me because she disagreed with a financial move I was going to make. Excuse me, but this is my money and my decision to make. I could not fathom that she would resort to such foolishness. Did she not realize what I have endured and overcome? Could she not give me some credit for making changes in my life? The answer is no. She can not fathom what I have overcome because she has not lived what I have lived. Not to mention, this display took place in front of both of my two children. It is with a deep sigh I'm reminded that the holidays are once again upon us. There are times I cherish the thought and times I hate it.
My mother is my hardest person to please, yet my biggest supporter. It has become every difficult to spend time around her. I do avoid her for my own sanity. My heart brakes when I hear how your mother's comments have hurt you. My mother's comments have done the same so I can feel your pain.
As a mother, I can not understand how one could willingly say hurtful things, yet my own drinking has hurt my children. This stings like nothing else. I can not imagine saying anything that would purposely hurt them, unless it is something dire. You know sometimes the truth hurts, but that rule does not apply with this situation.
If I knew some glib comment followed by a laugh hurt one of my children, I would be devastated. I do not want to hurt my children. I have done enough. I can only hope they can forgive me for my past and judge my for who I am today, not who I was.
I can relate to not bringing this up with your mother. Sometimes it is just easier to say nothing. If I approach my mother with her behavior it gets very ugly. She can not have a civil discussion when she is confronted. I can not stand to listen to her anger and negativity, so I keep quiet. Not being able to state my feelings freely, creates new resentments. Our mothers are supposed to be loving and nurturing. Shouldn't we be able to share our hurt with them? For some of us, the answer is no.
I'm sorry for this, I truly am. In times like these, I spend my time with friends who truly care and can understand. Having support is key and I'm grateful I have that. Keeping feelings locked inside destroys us. Thank you for sharing. Your share has helped me realize that we all have our cross to bare, some worse than others, regardless, pain is pain. I do not want to diminish anyone of their right to feel. The good news is, we do not have to go through the difficult times alone.
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Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,575
Dee, I've only just now read this thread-haven't been here much lately. I'm so impressed with some of these wonderful responses & there's little that hasn't already been said. I also have a very difficult and odd mother. I think I've told you before, how guilt where she's concerned held me back for years - kept me from moving on and getting sober. I'd often drink to take the edge off her rude & hurtful comments. She is one of those toxic people they tell us to stay away from, but of course I can't do that. She and I are just polite now, when we used to be close - but we were only ever close because I allowed her to manipulate me and always did things she would approve of. I'm a spineless amoeba when it comes to standing up to her, she has the ability to reduce me to a 5-yr. old again.
I would definitely have benefited from counseling, and I hope you'll decide to give it a try. Sometimes just saying things out loud can take the sting out of the hurt. We can't allow someone else to destroy our emotional wellbeing, or trigger us into reacting in a bad way. Painful feelings that aren't confronted gain strength, but if those feelings are acknowledged & expresed they usually diminish. That's why I'm so glad you shared this with us. Just staying away from her probably isn't realistic, though if it comes to that - who could blame you? I wonder what her reaction would have been if you'd said, "What an unkind thing to say!"
Family relationships should be so easy and natural - I wonder why they seldom are? It's amazing how many of us suffer from dysfunctional people in our lives.
I would definitely have benefited from counseling, and I hope you'll decide to give it a try. Sometimes just saying things out loud can take the sting out of the hurt. We can't allow someone else to destroy our emotional wellbeing, or trigger us into reacting in a bad way. Painful feelings that aren't confronted gain strength, but if those feelings are acknowledged & expresed they usually diminish. That's why I'm so glad you shared this with us. Just staying away from her probably isn't realistic, though if it comes to that - who could blame you? I wonder what her reaction would have been if you'd said, "What an unkind thing to say!"
Family relationships should be so easy and natural - I wonder why they seldom are? It's amazing how many of us suffer from dysfunctional people in our lives.
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