husband still mad - thinks I'm having affair
mle-sober
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Golden, CO
Posts: 1,243
husband still mad - thinks I'm having affair
Hi. I've been sober and around here at SR for about 7 1/2 months. I've been working my program and trying my best, going to therapy once a week, attending my extended care outpatient program, going to meetings and working the AA steps with my sponsor. Seven and a half months isn't long but it feels good to me and I know I am on the right path.
My problem is still my husband. He had a really hard time forgiving me for lying about my drinking for the last nine months of my drunken time. I take meds for Bipolar and I said I wouldn't drink but continued to do so secretely (hiding booze in my closet, drinking wine at lunch at a restaurant alone, etc.)
After I got sober, my husband and I spent 3 months in separate bedrooms. He finally softened and said he forgave me.
But now, he has a conviction that I had or have been having an AFFAIR! It's all I can do to run my small pathetic life, much less complicate it with something like that. I've got enough on my plate - an angry husband, 4 kids, bipolar and recovering alcoholic. I just don't know what to think about it.
He has no evidence whatsoever - I've given him my password to my email, handed him my cell phone to search, told him I'm an open book. He still maintains his belief.
We've seen a therapist who kind of put it in his court and recommended that he go to his own one-on-one therapy. She said basically, she thinks that he has to decide if he wants to be with me on some fundamental level. That he's still resentful and hurt from my betrayal of lying for those 9 months.
I'm trying to hold on. Trying to hold steady. Give him time. But I feel stretched thin emotionally. I need to be in a loving realtionship.
My question to you all (sorry this is so long) is how long would you personally give it in your own lives if your significant other couldn't forgive you and kept maintaining and nursing supicians. I know we're all different but I just wonder what you guys think?
Part of me just says, well, I'll give him nine months - since that's how long I lied to him. Then I think that's just false and stupid. But I don't want to be in a relationship where we can't love each other and relax and have fun together! What's the point?
My problem is still my husband. He had a really hard time forgiving me for lying about my drinking for the last nine months of my drunken time. I take meds for Bipolar and I said I wouldn't drink but continued to do so secretely (hiding booze in my closet, drinking wine at lunch at a restaurant alone, etc.)
After I got sober, my husband and I spent 3 months in separate bedrooms. He finally softened and said he forgave me.
But now, he has a conviction that I had or have been having an AFFAIR! It's all I can do to run my small pathetic life, much less complicate it with something like that. I've got enough on my plate - an angry husband, 4 kids, bipolar and recovering alcoholic. I just don't know what to think about it.
He has no evidence whatsoever - I've given him my password to my email, handed him my cell phone to search, told him I'm an open book. He still maintains his belief.
We've seen a therapist who kind of put it in his court and recommended that he go to his own one-on-one therapy. She said basically, she thinks that he has to decide if he wants to be with me on some fundamental level. That he's still resentful and hurt from my betrayal of lying for those 9 months.
I'm trying to hold on. Trying to hold steady. Give him time. But I feel stretched thin emotionally. I need to be in a loving realtionship.
My question to you all (sorry this is so long) is how long would you personally give it in your own lives if your significant other couldn't forgive you and kept maintaining and nursing supicians. I know we're all different but I just wonder what you guys think?
Part of me just says, well, I'll give him nine months - since that's how long I lied to him. Then I think that's just false and stupid. But I don't want to be in a relationship where we can't love each other and relax and have fun together! What's the point?
No more merlot, more mamma
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Hills, Ct
Posts: 2,139
Wow. I'm so sorry that you are going through this.
My thought about it is you don't deserve to be treated this way, I don't think that I would be able to stay with someone who would never forgive me for past transgressions. And to accuse you of something that you aren't doing has got to hurt. I wonder if he's pointing the blame at you in order to not be responsible for the marriage breaking up.
I'm really sorry for your pain.
My thought about it is you don't deserve to be treated this way, I don't think that I would be able to stay with someone who would never forgive me for past transgressions. And to accuse you of something that you aren't doing has got to hurt. I wonder if he's pointing the blame at you in order to not be responsible for the marriage breaking up.
I'm really sorry for your pain.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 26,425
Sorry you are in so much pain right now. I haven't had an intimate daily romantic relationship in a long long time. I do find that in my relationships on the one hand I have to allow others to grow in their own time and way and apreciate them for who they are, yet also If they are unable to enjoy my company and appreciate me as I am....a time does come to put my energy into relationships that are more rewarding for myself and for the other person.
Look into your heart and take care of yourself.:ghug3
Look into your heart and take care of yourself.:ghug3
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,785
Wow! I can't honestly say how long I'd give him to come to his senses,since I've never been in that situation, but I would ask you to be very good to yourself so it won't be so devastating when he is not. I'm so sorry he's not being very understanding and logical. If he can still suspect you it means that not even concrete proof (emails, cell phone) can change his mind until HE wants to change it.
I will keep you and him in my prayers for peace.
:ghug3
I will keep you and him in my prayers for peace.
:ghug3
Looking For Myself...Sober
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
Posts: 10,209
I said it once and I'll say it again. I really am not good for responding to threads like these. But I just cant help it I guess. So if I sound hard. I am sorry.
Sounds like to me he has some self esteem issues of his own.
For me personally. I wouldnt stay in a relationship like that.
If you cant have trust. Than really whats the point?
It sucks you have to go throuhg this. You dont deserve to be made to feel like youve done something wrong. When you havent. And with no reason either.
HUGS
Sounds like to me he has some self esteem issues of his own.
For me personally. I wouldnt stay in a relationship like that.
If you cant have trust. Than really whats the point?
It sucks you have to go throuhg this. You dont deserve to be made to feel like youve done something wrong. When you havent. And with no reason either.
HUGS
especially for you
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
Here are some thoughts I have on the situation...
being the "sober" partner feels like being with someone who is having an affair. Even if you hid it from him still you had to give it a lot of thought and energy to be able to keep it from him. I guarantee that your behavior probably did look like you were having an affair because you were hiding something. Think about what your actions were at the time and maybe have a talk about the ways you were "trying" to hide what you were doing it could help him to see that it was the booze that you were having an "affair" with. Are your actions telling him you still have something to hide? Actions speak louder than words. Understand that it hurts to be around someone who is sneaking around doing something behind your back. If he still thinks that you were having an affair with a person and you know for certain that you were not you may want to rethink if trust can be reestablished?
Prayers and hugs going out for you both.
being the "sober" partner feels like being with someone who is having an affair. Even if you hid it from him still you had to give it a lot of thought and energy to be able to keep it from him. I guarantee that your behavior probably did look like you were having an affair because you were hiding something. Think about what your actions were at the time and maybe have a talk about the ways you were "trying" to hide what you were doing it could help him to see that it was the booze that you were having an "affair" with. Are your actions telling him you still have something to hide? Actions speak louder than words. Understand that it hurts to be around someone who is sneaking around doing something behind your back. If he still thinks that you were having an affair with a person and you know for certain that you were not you may want to rethink if trust can be reestablished?
Prayers and hugs going out for you both.
mle-sober
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Golden, CO
Posts: 1,243
Thank you, each of you. I am having to really think hard about whether this relationship can be saved. Maybe I permanently broke it when I began to lie about my drinking. I own that. It's still sad, though.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,517
Hi mle-sober,
That is such a tough situation.
I know that things changed in my relationship when I stopped drinking. That's not to say it's better or worse, just different.
Personally, I wouldn't be able to carry on too long in the face of those false accusations. As to how long you should hang on, I don't know. I would definitely say, if it's affecting your recovery, then it's time to do something. Your therapist is right, this is in your husband's hands now. This must be so difficult for you.
That is such a tough situation.
I know that things changed in my relationship when I stopped drinking. That's not to say it's better or worse, just different.
Personally, I wouldn't be able to carry on too long in the face of those false accusations. As to how long you should hang on, I don't know. I would definitely say, if it's affecting your recovery, then it's time to do something. Your therapist is right, this is in your husband's hands now. This must be so difficult for you.
mle-sober
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Golden, CO
Posts: 1,243
I spoke with my therapist this afternoon and I am leaning toward just asking him, does he think that we can heal from this? Does he see the possibility of him accepting the facts of the situations? Or is it the kind of thing that he can't see his way out of?
If he can't see his way out, how strongly is he willing to committ to work on it? Will he go to therapy once a week with me? Or alone?
And then, my therapist also reminded me that on my first week of therapy with her (7 1/2 months ago) I vowed to not stay in the relatinship if it was as bad as it was a year later. I mean, I said to her that I thought he had a right to heal and work it out in his own way but if he was still taking it out on me a year later, I would have a hard time going on with the relationship. Interesting. I hadn't recalled that.
So, I guess I feel fortified by your words of encouragement. And by your agreement that his behavior is pretty bad. (It gets worse - I haven't even said all of it). But I feel like I'm not alone and like I am listening to an important voice inside me.
Thanks for that support. Love, mle
If he can't see his way out, how strongly is he willing to committ to work on it? Will he go to therapy once a week with me? Or alone?
And then, my therapist also reminded me that on my first week of therapy with her (7 1/2 months ago) I vowed to not stay in the relatinship if it was as bad as it was a year later. I mean, I said to her that I thought he had a right to heal and work it out in his own way but if he was still taking it out on me a year later, I would have a hard time going on with the relationship. Interesting. I hadn't recalled that.
So, I guess I feel fortified by your words of encouragement. And by your agreement that his behavior is pretty bad. (It gets worse - I haven't even said all of it). But I feel like I'm not alone and like I am listening to an important voice inside me.
Thanks for that support. Love, mle
mle-sober
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Golden, CO
Posts: 1,243
AW2486,
For some reason, he's said that alanon isn't for him. He seems to react to it with a distinct level of distaste. He's gone maybe three times, tops. And he refuses to try new meetings. Ugh.
- MLE
For some reason, he's said that alanon isn't for him. He seems to react to it with a distinct level of distaste. He's gone maybe three times, tops. And he refuses to try new meetings. Ugh.
- MLE
Day, by Day, by Day.....
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: nunya
Posts: 76
Hi mle -
I am sorry that you are in this. I attend alanon, and I know that from what some men have shared, it was extremely hard for them to to, since there are a lot of women. some of the meetings are only women it seems.
I also started seeing a therapist on my own, who in addition to alanon helped me get stronger and learn to detach from my AH with love.
I also dealt with extremely strong resentments, etc. (I'm still working on this).
My only recommendation, and this is only from my past experience, is to have your husband seek individual counseling (if he will). People always say (and I thought this too) that as soon as the alcohol was gone, everything would magically be better - it wasn't. Sometimes too the spouse who didn't drink might not know how to react know that you are getting stronger, etc. This could cause a lot of confusion for you.
I'll be thinking about you - I really hope this works out for you.
Regarding how long to give it - this is up to you and your husband. My therapist is helping me to work on learning when and where I need to set boundaries, etc. A good piece of advice that she gave me was to not try to force a solution. I know this is corny, but think of it as a cake you are trying to bake - if you take it out of the oven before it is done, you won't see the baked cake that you were hoping to see.
Keep going to meetings, talking to others, and be kind to yourself - - this will work out for you! :ghug
I am sorry that you are in this. I attend alanon, and I know that from what some men have shared, it was extremely hard for them to to, since there are a lot of women. some of the meetings are only women it seems.
I also started seeing a therapist on my own, who in addition to alanon helped me get stronger and learn to detach from my AH with love.
I also dealt with extremely strong resentments, etc. (I'm still working on this).
My only recommendation, and this is only from my past experience, is to have your husband seek individual counseling (if he will). People always say (and I thought this too) that as soon as the alcohol was gone, everything would magically be better - it wasn't. Sometimes too the spouse who didn't drink might not know how to react know that you are getting stronger, etc. This could cause a lot of confusion for you.
I'll be thinking about you - I really hope this works out for you.
Regarding how long to give it - this is up to you and your husband. My therapist is helping me to work on learning when and where I need to set boundaries, etc. A good piece of advice that she gave me was to not try to force a solution. I know this is corny, but think of it as a cake you are trying to bake - if you take it out of the oven before it is done, you won't see the baked cake that you were hoping to see.
Keep going to meetings, talking to others, and be kind to yourself - - this will work out for you! :ghug
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