Hi mle -
I am sorry that you are in this. I attend alanon, and I know that from what some men have shared, it was extremely hard for them to to, since there are a lot of women. some of the meetings are only women it seems.
I also started seeing a therapist on my own, who in addition to alanon helped me get stronger and learn to detach from my AH with love.
I also dealt with extremely strong resentments, etc. (I'm still working on this).
My only recommendation, and this is only from my past experience, is to have your husband seek individual counseling (if he will). People always say (and I thought this too) that as soon as the alcohol was gone, everything would magically be better - it wasn't. Sometimes too the spouse who didn't drink might not know how to react know that you are getting stronger, etc. This could cause a lot of confusion for you.
I'll be thinking about you - I really hope this works out for you.
Regarding how long to give it - this is up to you and your husband. My therapist is helping me to work on learning when and where I need to set boundaries, etc. A good piece of advice that she gave me was to not try to force a solution. I know this is corny, but think of it as a cake you are trying to bake - if you take it out of the oven before it is done, you won't see the baked cake that you were hoping to see.
Keep going to meetings, talking to others, and be kind to yourself - - this will work out for you! :ghug