fallingdown

The truth is that I keep screwing up. I keep relapsing. I have a whole list of lame excuses as to why. I'm depressed, I'm bored, etc. etc. It is pretty apparent to me that lurking and posting on SR is not enough to keep me sober. Don't get me wrong, you guys are magnificent, but I need to do more. Yeah I know I have said this before. I keep thinking that I will make it. I read about people who have 30, 60, 90, a thousand days and I wonder when it will be my turn. For some reason I have this mental block about AA here. I guess it's because I live in an extremely small town so the whole idea makes me nervous. As if I can't drive 10 miles out of my way to go somewhere else. But love it or hate it, I have read hundreds of testimonials on here from people who got sober with the help of AA. So why aren't I going? I don't know why I am still self-sabatoging. This is not a poor me post. This is a "I don't know why I keep screwing up" post. What the hell is wrong with me? It's like I am afraid to sober up. I told my doctor what was going on and he put me on Xanax and Cymbalta. That seemed to work pretty good for a while, but I don't really like Xanax. And I don't feel much different taking the Cymbalta. I guess I need to go back and tell him it's not really working. I'm back to feeling like walking death all the time. I never wanted to be here again. I desperately need help, but I've never felt so immobilized. I just needed to get this out. Thank you for reading.

FD

Aysha

I am sure anyone here will urge you to get f2f support. I know they will.
I know I was told alot that this site here sometimes isnt enough.
Meetings...outpatient program...counselor. But I think a group setting may be best. But everyone is different.

I was put on cymbalts and xanax too when I first tried recovery. It didnt help me either. I have a whole lot of reasons why. But I wont share that since everyone is different.

As far as what is wrong with you. I still dont even understand what it wrong with myself and why I kept doing it too.

But I do know that I myself dont need to know WHY to know WHAT to do.

All those things we dont understand are the reasons we dont do it alone.

I hope you feel better.

fallingdown

Thanks for weighing in here Chiynita. I am just so angry. I am so tired of this. A big part of the problem is my husband is a drinker. So I always have booze around. I have had people tell me that is not an excuse to drink. I understand that. But it sure makes it harder to quit.

Ananda

I am sooooooo greatful that I don't have a drinking husband arround to deal with (actually greatful I don't have any kind of husband to deal with LOL)

Seriously, I know that people can get sober regardless of anyone, but I really am glad I haven't had to walk that particular path, as it seems to me it would be a dificult one.

Perhaps if you go to the family friends section you will come accross some people who deal with drinkers on a daily basiss in the family with some good hepful expereince to share.

Just want to encourage you to believe it can happen for you!:ghug3

bugsworth

Hey fallingdown! I have to imagine being around alcohol is difficult, early in my quit I stayed away from the stuff. Somehow that must become a priority for you and for your husband.

The addictive voice in your head will tell you anything as long as you feed it, the truth is you need to stop feeding it. I know it is hard, but living with the daily hatred of self is far worse.

I am not an aa person for many reasons so I will only say it is ok not to take that path as long as you take another that results in sobriety.

I spent years wishing I could quit...what I needed was a backbone not a wishbone. All the wishing did nothing, it was when I fought head on, when I found my power I was able to move the mountain...one pebble at a time. You can do this...believe in yourself what could it hurt?

BeamMeUpScotty

I read about people who have 30, 60, 90, a thousand days and I wonder when it will be my turn.

Well, one thing about quitting drinking is you don't have to wait in line for "your turn". In the end only you have the power to do it. The tricky part is finding the strength and the courage to change your lifestyle completely (I'm in the beginning of it now--on day 27).

I was married and my wife was a drinker as well. We were co-enablers. I even remember saying a couple of times I wanted to stop drinking, expecting her support. She said something along the lines of "you don't need to stop drinking. What are you talking about?" Looking back I think if I had stopped drinking it would have made her have to confront her own problems, which she didn't want to do. I don't know what your relationship is with your husband, but I hope there is enough trust and love where you can talk with him about it so he can support you. Otherwise I think you'll have to find support elsewhere (don't try to go it alone) as if you aren't healthy, or heading towards health, nothing else is really going to work. Just my two cents--and believe me, I've screwed up more than a few times. The only thing to do is to try to do better next time.

Good luck to you.

fallingdown

My husband and I actually get along pretty good. Most the time. For a while he was just bringing home six packs of beer (his way of being supportive ha ha) and I was fine. It was not a problem at all. But lately he's bringing home twelve packs again. And brandy. And tequila. It's horrible. It's not his fault. I know that. But it's just been so hard.

bugsworth

I hate to be blunt, but why is he drinking knowing you want to quit?

fallingdown

I guess because he is an alcoholic too. I'm a binge drinker. He's not so much. But he does need to drink everyday.

bugsworth

Honestly sounds like disaster to me. Is he interested in getting sober?

fallingdown

Yes, I think he would like to. I think he's tired of it too. For me, being a binger, it is a matter of life and death. For him, being a six to eight beer a day drinker it's a slower downward spiral, but just as unhealthy. I agree. It is definitely a disaster in the making. I am scared.

LosingmyMisery

You certainly have a challenge ahead of you. While married, I tried to quit drinking in the past, looooooog time ago. My husband at the time continued to bring alcohol into the house. I couldn't stay out of it. I can understand this issue and it could sabotage your attempts.

We all have obstacles to overcome, but if you want to get sober you can achieve it. I remember wanting 30 days, 60 days, etc. One year sober seemed like a life time away to me, but there did come a day where it was my turn. I had to go and get it though. It just doesn't happen.

Look into your options and you and your husband may need to have a serious heart to heart. There really is no way around that. Break out and lead by example. When he sees how well you are doing, perhaps he will follow suit. You never know Good luck!

BeamMeUpScotty

Have you had the "heart to heart" with him? If you get along well, you should be able to talk honestly with him.

Being scared is natural, yet you can overcome your fears and come out stronger. If you get help from others, you can know what to expect so you can deal with it with forethought rather than hindsight, which is more often the path to relapse.

Again, good luck to you and to us all.

bugsworth

I agree being scared is natural but don't let it enable you to be inactive in your recovery.

You say it is a matter of life and death, then treat it as such. There is not much room for error here.

Aysha

I know how that anger feels. And no..your husband drinking isnt an excuse but it sure doesnt help.
I really dont have anything to add. I am single and my DOC isnt always in my face as with alcoholics. I feel so bad for alcoholics sometimes. It has got to be so tough. Even grocery shopping or watching tv..Its right there. I have alot of respect for you guys. Not saying anyone has it easier than the next person. But I dont see shelves full of crack in the grocery store..Or signs everywhere saying Good crack sold here.
You know?

I hope you find something that works for you.

Just dont ever give up. Use that anger to get recovery.

fallingdown

Thanks so much guys. The thing is, seeing alcohol in the stores or whatever has never bothered me. It's just having it in the house that is a problem. I mean, I can even go out to dinner and not drink, not even want to. I do it all the time. My problem is being at home at night with a refrigerator stocked with booze. I have told him so many times, in so many ways, that I need to quit drinking. I love him and I am not wanting to allow myself to admit that he could be doing this on purpose. I am not in denial about my drinking problem but maybe I am in denial about him.

bugsworth

Obviously you are not in "denial" about your drinking problem or you would not be here. I think however you may not understand the magnitude of the task at hand. Quitting is hard work, not to be taken lightly and serious measures need to be taken. First one....NO ALCOHOL IN THE HOUSE!!!! Take back the power...one step at a time.

Anna

Hi Fallingdown,

I sabotaged my recovery for a very long time too. Actually, I sabotaged many good things in my life, long before I began drinking. I had to accept the fact that I was comfortable with failing and felt scared to death of succeeding. I had to learn to begin to like myself and believe that I deserved good things in my life. We all do.

There are many roads to recovery and AA does work for many. I have used books and SR for my recovery and I know now that good things will come to me, if I believe they will.

HideorSeek

Hi FD! I just wanted you to know that I could relate to every word, letter and comma of your post. Like you, I have a hard time understanding a self that wants something so badly, truly knowing that it's a dead end (pun intended), yet being unable to actualize those convictions. I get a few days, lose one, gain a few, etc. I have described myself as a better sprinter than a long distance runner, and it seems to be true of my sobriety as well.

But...

I agree with Bugsworth that we need a backbone, rather than a wishbone.

And I agree with Anna, that I am more comfortable with myself as a failure than a succceeder.

I wish I had all the answers and I also wish that I could *poof* make it all better for myself and everyone else. But I can't. It is hard. Very hard. I can't help but think that for some unknowable, unfathomable reason, we have to go through this in order to get beyond it. But it doesn't make it any easier.

Hugs and strength coming your way though...:praying

fallingdown

It IS hard. It sucks. I'm in a fight for my life here. I was doing so well. Several months ago I prayed as hard as I've ever prayed for God to remove the desire to drink and it worked. I had no desire to drink. But I guess I did not do the work I needed to do. I thought I could fight this on faith alone. Well that and prescription medication. What a joke. Thank you all again for your thoughts and prayers, I sure could use them.