mle-sober

Some of you know I've been struggling not to pick up for the last couple of days - more than normal. (see my thread titled "OMG, I could drink!" below) And I should say off the bat that I am definately feeling stronger. I have been praying and went to a meeting today. I've been here, reading, mostly. And I've had some things to do, errands, etc. that kept me busy. And my car has been demanding attention which has really kept me busy and out of trouble.

It was suggested I make a list of all the bad things that could result from me picking up again. I've suggested that to others also. It seems like a good idea. So I did. But when I made the list, I was distressed to find out that the things I am afraid of have to do with everybody else in my life, not me.

I'm supossed to get and stay sober for myself. I've read it and said it. But the truth is, I'm really sober for my family. I'm sober because I love my husband and want to keep him. I'm sober because it would break my mother's heart if I drank again. She's been through enough. I'm sober because if I drank again, it would confirm my sister's belief that I'm basically a big f*ck-up and loser.

I'm sober because I want to set a good example for my kids and I don't want to hurt them.

I'm even sober for my therapist who I pay a lot of money to. But I would be so ashamed to walk in and see her eyes when I said I drank.

I'm afraid of the shame and the self-loathing that would come from seeing myself reflected in the eyes of people I care about.

Is this the same thing as being sober for myself?

The only real thing I can say is for myself is that I don't want to spend any more time in a mental institution and I don't want to get yelled at.

This seems sad to me. But it's what keeps me sober. I'm still here. I'm still sober. And there is no one making that decision except me.

Maybe it's just a hard few days. And maybe things will look differently around the corner. I know that happens.

Sorry I'm a bit of a downer right now.

nayster

My humble opinion is these are reasons to be sober for yourself. Alcohol is damaging YOUR relationships with the people you love. You don't want to damage or destroy those relationships. Those are reasons for yourself.

And maybe at some point in the future you will come to discover even more reasons to stay sober - maybe they won't involve other people and it's ok if they do.

and I love what you said - you're sober and that was your decision. Go girl! Keep on making that decision!

Jomey

Hey MLE - You are sober, and that's good. I know I am supposed to be getting sober for myself, but I often wonder if I could make a list like you are trying to do...the boundaries between me and my kids, and esp. me and my husband and our interfamily relationships are blurry for me. That may not be the healthiest place to be , but I don't think it means that I would necessarily drink if my husband left me or something happened to one of my kids. (they are still too young to leave me LOL) I just think it means I am still working out who I am and what is important to me, personally, after so many years of hiding in a booze bottle. I don't expect it to happen over night, but as long as you are journeying towards finding out who you really are, and what you need to stay sober, I think you are on the right path.

Just my two cents.

take care, jomey

SoBearish

I say those are all reasons for you. You don't say "Because my Mom told me I have to... etc"

How about not wanting to feel hungover? Not worrying about your health? Feeling proud of yourself? Did they make it on your list?

Keep it up!!

LibertyorDeath

Sober for your husband...you want to keep him~ That's about you.

Sober to set a good example for your children...That's about you too!

Sober for the therapist...so that you will avoid shame...That's about you too!

You are staying sober to retain your self respect and that's about you. Sure others will benefit tremendously from your sobriety just as they suffered from your disease.

I pray that you can summon the strength you need to get through these difficult days!

You CAN do this!!! I can too!

Liberty~

Anna

I think you are staying sober for reasons that are important to you. YOU care about your relationships with your children, husband, mother. These relationships are what YOU value in your life.

What I think you will find happen, is that as you continue your recovery, you will start to like and to love the person that you are. For me, that took awhile, but, at some point it kicked in and that really confirmed that I was doing it for myself.

Toomutch

I love the list MLE You are doing great

least

I was going to reply to comfort you but everyone else so far has said exactly what I wanted to say. So I'll just say "you" are a huge part of what you gave as your reasons for sobriety so that would seem to me to make it "about you" and "for you".

I pray it does look different "around the corner". What a difference a day makes!

:ghug3 and one for later :ghug3

mle-sober

Thank you. I see what you're saying. My relationships really do matter the most to me. More than anything else in my life. And protecting those relationships by staying sober is me staying sober for me, for what's important to me.

I do hope that as I gain more sobriety, I will learn more about what sobriety can feel like when you are also doing it because you care about your own health, your own spiritual well-being, your own place in this world and your own ability to live your best life.

I think I'm just the slightest bit depressed right now.

I think I should give myself a swift kick in the rear and realize that some people (people here and other places too) don't have family. And I am very lucky to have that wonderful net to help me stay sober when I am wobbly. And if I need to use the net of family who love me, I should use the net and not worry. Because it will change and I will grow.

I have time to grow and shift into a stronger place where I'm sober for more reasons than my family.

Some people probably don't get to have that time, right? Some people reading this might be saying, well lucky you - I had to get sober by finding a part of me that was desperately in need of sobriety, without a whole bunch of family members supporting me and cheering me on. Complaining 'cause your family members are why you stay sober is infantile. Not appreciating that they care and that their caring supports your sobriety is ridiculous. Appreciate it, grab ahold of it and move forward.

That's my own little lecture to myself.

Thank you.

whattyawantmeto

Wow. Your words...my perspective. I agree with all of the great feedback. Very potent.

SlvrMag

There is your answer right there!

gravity

This has been my experience as well. Early in my sobriety, I hated myself. I could not fathom why I would want to quit drinking for myself and myself alone. For quite some time, I did it for my children, to give them a good life. What really helped me was that my uncle, a spiritual advisor, told me that my children are a part of me, in my heart. So is everyone else I love. So this is doing it for me.

I also recently read that the reason why I have to quit drinking for myself is because fear-based sobriety does not work. As soon as the immediate crisis is over (for me, fear of losing my family, my job, and my freedom) the fear goes away and drinking starts to look good again. This was a real revelation for me as it explained, in part, why I always returned to drinking after short periods of sobriety.

I am now at a place where I am doing it for me. I like myself, I love life. I don’t ever want to go back to where I was last December. It did not happen overnight. It took patience, hard work, being open to learning, doing what I was told to do, and admitting when I was wrong. There is still a long road ahead of me but I am really starting to enjoy the journey.