sober for me or for my family?
Some of you know I've been struggling not to pick up for the last couple of days - more than normal. (see my thread titled "OMG, I could drink!" below) And I should say off the bat that I am definately feeling stronger. I have been praying and went to a meeting today. I've been here, reading, mostly. And I've had some things to do, errands, etc. that kept me busy. And my car has been demanding attention which has really kept me busy and out of trouble.
It was suggested I make a list of all the bad things that could result from me picking up again. I've suggested that to others also. It seems like a good idea. So I did. But when I made the list, I was distressed to find out that the things I am afraid of have to do with everybody else in my life, not me.
I'm supossed to get and stay sober for myself. I've read it and said it. But the truth is, I'm really sober for my family. I'm sober because I love my husband and want to keep him. I'm sober because it would break my mother's heart if I drank again. She's been through enough. I'm sober because if I drank again, it would confirm my sister's belief that I'm basically a big f*ck-up and loser.
I'm sober because I want to set a good example for my kids and I don't want to hurt them.
I'm even sober for my therapist who I pay a lot of money to. But I would be so ashamed to walk in and see her eyes when I said I drank.
I'm afraid of the shame and the self-loathing that would come from seeing myself reflected in the eyes of people I care about.
Is this the same thing as being sober for myself?
The only real thing I can say is for myself is that I don't want to spend any more time in a mental institution and I don't want to get yelled at.
This seems sad to me. But it's what keeps me sober. I'm still here. I'm still sober. And there is no one making that decision except me.
Maybe it's just a hard few days. And maybe things will look differently around the corner. I know that happens.
Sorry I'm a bit of a downer right now.