Sober but still VERY addicted...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Rock Springs, WY
Posts: 5
Sober but still VERY addicted...
Hi y'all... this is my first time even trying to reach out about addiction (except to maybe 3 close friends). Maybe my story is the same, but I'm needing help so I don't mess things up.
First, my story - both my parents were addicts and one was abused as a child. When I was 12, they got sober. One is now a drug&alcohol abuse counselor. When they got sober, I became addicted. Started with cigarettes and alcohol, then pot. I maintained a straight-A average in school, graduated 13th in my class and went on to college in Boston.
Then I realized I didn't like pot, and got into speed - mostly pills. They helped me study. I went to a contenporary music college - been a guitar player and into the music biz all my life, so of course, everything is sex, drugs and rock'n'roll. And I loved every minute of it.
I went on to work for some pretty high profile bands that I won't mention. I could get into clubs free, did everything from manage to booking, etc. I also drank heavily - I never stopped drinking actually, still do every now and then. I moved to Los Angeles, and that's where I hit bottom. I became a heavy ecstasy user and when I wasn't on that, I did cocaine and drank. I had a huge falling out - filed for bankruptcy and my car was repossessed, and I quit everything... for a while. I was so poor I couldn't even afford a bus ticket and walked 7 miles to work and back every day.
I couldn't take it in L.A. and figured that if I moved to the most remote place I could think of, there wouldn't be any drugs around, and I could get out of the music industry and stay clean. Then I met my now husband, and we were on meth for a year. The last time I did hard drugs was in 2003, before I got a DUI (sitting in my car waiting for a ride because I didn't want to drive, go figure).
I know there's a problem - I have problems in my marriage, and I can't figure out how to fix them. I have a hard time making decisions - I don't think I suffer from anxiety, but if I'm not busy doing something all the time, I go crazy. I have rage - if I get angry, I break things.
Mostly I'm here because of my list: alcohol, cocaine, ecstacy, meth, pot, nicotine, sex, diet pills... I don't just have an addiction to one thing: I'm addicted to anything that can help me not BE BORED. I quit hard drugs all on my own, never went to meetings, never found any friends who didn't at least smoke cigs or drink (I mainly chew Copenhagen now, oh yes, great for my heart).
I'm now 31 years old. I've always wanted children, but haven't been lucky yet. I'm now missing college, the music industry, and most importantly, ESCAPING REALITY. I am SO BORED with my life right now. And there's not a minute that goes by where I don't think about snorting a line or shooting up or taking pills. (Don't get me wrong, either, I love myself - I think I'm pretty darned cool and I'm glad I made it, glad I'm alive).
SO. Here I am. Just reaching out I guess. Just want people who may have had similar experiences to talk to - I know I'm not alone. By the way, I'm not religious, either - that's a big reason why I don't want to go to meetings.
Well - thanks for listenin'. Hope to talk to some of you soon...
First, my story - both my parents were addicts and one was abused as a child. When I was 12, they got sober. One is now a drug&alcohol abuse counselor. When they got sober, I became addicted. Started with cigarettes and alcohol, then pot. I maintained a straight-A average in school, graduated 13th in my class and went on to college in Boston.
Then I realized I didn't like pot, and got into speed - mostly pills. They helped me study. I went to a contenporary music college - been a guitar player and into the music biz all my life, so of course, everything is sex, drugs and rock'n'roll. And I loved every minute of it.
I went on to work for some pretty high profile bands that I won't mention. I could get into clubs free, did everything from manage to booking, etc. I also drank heavily - I never stopped drinking actually, still do every now and then. I moved to Los Angeles, and that's where I hit bottom. I became a heavy ecstasy user and when I wasn't on that, I did cocaine and drank. I had a huge falling out - filed for bankruptcy and my car was repossessed, and I quit everything... for a while. I was so poor I couldn't even afford a bus ticket and walked 7 miles to work and back every day.
I couldn't take it in L.A. and figured that if I moved to the most remote place I could think of, there wouldn't be any drugs around, and I could get out of the music industry and stay clean. Then I met my now husband, and we were on meth for a year. The last time I did hard drugs was in 2003, before I got a DUI (sitting in my car waiting for a ride because I didn't want to drive, go figure).
I know there's a problem - I have problems in my marriage, and I can't figure out how to fix them. I have a hard time making decisions - I don't think I suffer from anxiety, but if I'm not busy doing something all the time, I go crazy. I have rage - if I get angry, I break things.
Mostly I'm here because of my list: alcohol, cocaine, ecstacy, meth, pot, nicotine, sex, diet pills... I don't just have an addiction to one thing: I'm addicted to anything that can help me not BE BORED. I quit hard drugs all on my own, never went to meetings, never found any friends who didn't at least smoke cigs or drink (I mainly chew Copenhagen now, oh yes, great for my heart).
I'm now 31 years old. I've always wanted children, but haven't been lucky yet. I'm now missing college, the music industry, and most importantly, ESCAPING REALITY. I am SO BORED with my life right now. And there's not a minute that goes by where I don't think about snorting a line or shooting up or taking pills. (Don't get me wrong, either, I love myself - I think I'm pretty darned cool and I'm glad I made it, glad I'm alive).
SO. Here I am. Just reaching out I guess. Just want people who may have had similar experiences to talk to - I know I'm not alone. By the way, I'm not religious, either - that's a big reason why I don't want to go to meetings.
Well - thanks for listenin'. Hope to talk to some of you soon...
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Miamisburg, Ohio
Posts: 217
remembering
Welcome,
I'm remembering when I was 31, I was still 14 years away from my bottom.
Life really sucked when my solution quit working. I was miserable sober and miserable using. I needed a new solution, I found that in the rooms. It's not about religion for me although I do believe in God.
Spirituality is real. When I go into the rooms of AA and see 20-40 people just like me staying sober, well, I know what I went through and what it takes for me to continue to stay sober; when I see all these people and realize that by meeting and talking about a higher power, we are able to stay sober, that's all the proof of God I need.
Hang in there, go find your solution...good luck and
God's Peace
I'm remembering when I was 31, I was still 14 years away from my bottom.
Life really sucked when my solution quit working. I was miserable sober and miserable using. I needed a new solution, I found that in the rooms. It's not about religion for me although I do believe in God.
Spirituality is real. When I go into the rooms of AA and see 20-40 people just like me staying sober, well, I know what I went through and what it takes for me to continue to stay sober; when I see all these people and realize that by meeting and talking about a higher power, we are able to stay sober, that's all the proof of God I need.
Hang in there, go find your solution...good luck and
God's Peace
Bring Laughter Wherever You Go
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 357
Hello and welcome, I understand using to escape. Escaping reality is escaping from YOUR reality which means you're escaping from you. You said you 'love yourself'. I think there is a difference between loving the 'idea' of yourself, and loving who you are inside. I can relate to this because I have always fancied myself a pretty cool person, I thought of myself as attractive, smart, funny. But yet I used and used and used. I THOUGHT I was happy with myself, but I couldn't get through without picking up. I am learning that what I thought 'I loved' about myself was the 'idea' of myself. The person I appeared to be on the outside. The inside was a different story.
You said you were not religious so you didn't want to go AA meetings. I felt the same way about that too. I was in and out of AA a few times, and because I didn't relate to the 'God' thing, or the 'HP' thing. I couldn't do it. But this time around, I was so desperate to get sober, I would try anything. So I went back to AA and for the first time, I'm actually trying to recover. It has made a world of difference.
I hope you can find your path to recovery, it may be what you need to get well.
Tay.
You said you were not religious so you didn't want to go AA meetings. I felt the same way about that too. I was in and out of AA a few times, and because I didn't relate to the 'God' thing, or the 'HP' thing. I couldn't do it. But this time around, I was so desperate to get sober, I would try anything. So I went back to AA and for the first time, I'm actually trying to recover. It has made a world of difference.
I hope you can find your path to recovery, it may be what you need to get well.
Tay.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,512
Hi and Welcome,
I think a lot of addicts have addictive personalities and can go from one thing to another to another. Stopping drinking or drugs is the beginning of the process, but after that the recovery work begins. Your constant need to escape one way or another and to be always seeking ways to be 'not bored' tell me that you don't really like spending time with yourself. Maybe, in spite of what you say, you don't really like/love yourself. I know I didn't and that's why it was so easy to poison myself.
I think a lot of addicts have addictive personalities and can go from one thing to another to another. Stopping drinking or drugs is the beginning of the process, but after that the recovery work begins. Your constant need to escape one way or another and to be always seeking ways to be 'not bored' tell me that you don't really like spending time with yourself. Maybe, in spite of what you say, you don't really like/love yourself. I know I didn't and that's why it was so easy to poison myself.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Rock Springs, WY
Posts: 5
No...
I really do like myself - I really like spending time with myself and do a lot - that's when I'm happiest. I think the rest of the world is pretty screwed up. THanks for the words, but I disagree... I spent a long time looking at who I was and who I am today, and definitely like what I see today. I didn't like who I was when I was using... but yet I had lots more fun when I was. See what I mean?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Miamisburg, Ohio
Posts: 217
Originally Posted by wyo3dgfan 
I really do like myself - I really like spending time with myself and do a lot - that's when I'm happiest. I think the rest of the world is pretty screwed up. THanks for the words, but I disagree... I spent a long time looking at who I was and who I am today, and definitely like what I see today. I didn't like who I was when I was using... but yet I had lots more fun when I was. See what I mean?
I understand because if I could drink without the consequences of doing stupid things that make me not like myself, I would....I can't. That's the dilemma, my solution no longer worked. I'm an alcoholic, I need a solution other than alcohol.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: 49 degrees north
Posts: 1,036
Welcome!!
I'm curious. What does "unbored" look like? Not trying to "bait" you. People here might better be able to understand if you paint a picture. Is it "just" the substances, or the lifestyle that accompanies being an active user?
warrens
I'm curious. What does "unbored" look like? Not trying to "bait" you. People here might better be able to understand if you paint a picture. Is it "just" the substances, or the lifestyle that accompanies being an active user?
warrens
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Rock Springs, WY
Posts: 5
Okay - take those last 2 posts and put them together. I guess I'd have to explain what it's like to be on ecstacy... also, you know how alcoholics can't go to bars? Well, I can't be in a rock band the way I used to because it makes me want to use like hell - the power of sex, drugs & rock'n'roll. I LOVED the things I was doing - I hated who I was because I was not strong enough to say no. This topic is changing into something I didn't want it to be, but keep going. "Unbored" would be actually finding that feeling of TOTAL ECSTACY - once you do a lot of that drug, you NEVER feel that way again. Not even the best sex in the world is as good. So maybe extreme sports would do; something bloody and extremely high-octane. I don't know. I guess I'm trying to find out why life is not as exciting as I thought it would be if I didn't have all the drugs and sex and music in it.
No more merlot, more mamma
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Hills, Ct
Posts: 2,139
Hi,
I know a lot of musicians who get high from the music. THAT'S their drug.
Is it possible to hook up with sober musicians that you know? You can't possibly be the only one..
I know a lot of musicians who get high from the music. THAT'S their drug.
Is it possible to hook up with sober musicians that you know? You can't possibly be the only one..
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Miamisburg, Ohio
Posts: 217
Hope I didn't offend you, your feelings are valid. I felt the same way at one time. Interesting enough I was in my early 30's when I knew I needed to quit my destructive behavior but couldn't find a way to do that. I kept digging, searching for something.
One day I hit bottom, I'd run out of things to blame and things to try. I knew I hit bottom, dropped the shovel, quit digging and started to climb out.
At first I thought I was lowering my expectations, after all I had resigned myself to a boring life of no more drugs and alcohol. Then as things got better I changed my expectations, life became better and my only expectation was to stay sober. Now, my expectations have been raised and I'm no longer bored. My expectations are that no matter what happens, if I don't drink or use drugs I will get past whatever problem I'm faced with and be happy. I have no doubt God wants me to be happy, joyous and free.
You are on a journey my friend, just keep headed in the right direction and you'll end up right where you are supposed to be.
God's Peace
One day I hit bottom, I'd run out of things to blame and things to try. I knew I hit bottom, dropped the shovel, quit digging and started to climb out.
At first I thought I was lowering my expectations, after all I had resigned myself to a boring life of no more drugs and alcohol. Then as things got better I changed my expectations, life became better and my only expectation was to stay sober. Now, my expectations have been raised and I'm no longer bored. My expectations are that no matter what happens, if I don't drink or use drugs I will get past whatever problem I'm faced with and be happy. I have no doubt God wants me to be happy, joyous and free.
You are on a journey my friend, just keep headed in the right direction and you'll end up right where you are supposed to be.
God's Peace
Bring Laughter Wherever You Go
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 357
Originally Posted by wyo3dgfan
I really do like myself - I really like spending time with myself and do a lot - that's when I'm happiest. I think the rest of the world is pretty screwed up. THanks for the words, but I disagree... I spent a long time looking at who I was and who I am today, and definitely like what I see today. I didn't like who I was when I was using... but yet I had lots more fun when I was. See what I mean?
If you love yourself and don't have a problem quitting when you want to, what is troubling you?
And I mean that in all sincerity. Is it simply that you miss the 'fun' of doing what you were doing? Again, juss curious.
Tay.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Living on the edge can certainly be addicting.
Personally, I've used up my right to chemical peace of mind these days.
There are a lot of mundane things in my life like taking out the trash, doing poop patrol in the backyard after my zoo crew, and paying bills on time.
I was out there for a long time chasing that elusive happiness, that over the top feeling, and I'm just too damned old and tired to keep that up anymore! LOL!
I spend a lot of my time with all of my pets, and by golly I'm going back to college at the age of 50 this fall.
I'm just pretty darned contented!
Personally, I've used up my right to chemical peace of mind these days.
There are a lot of mundane things in my life like taking out the trash, doing poop patrol in the backyard after my zoo crew, and paying bills on time.
I was out there for a long time chasing that elusive happiness, that over the top feeling, and I'm just too damned old and tired to keep that up anymore! LOL!
I spend a lot of my time with all of my pets, and by golly I'm going back to college at the age of 50 this fall.
I'm just pretty darned contented!
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
For excitement ...learn something new you find interesting.
No...not things that will give a rush
something you will need your brain for.
I too went back to school took subjects I found fascinating.
I know how to fly a plane..Scuba...shoot...gourmet cook...fish
play a flute and a violin...those are fun for me.
The most important thing I do is find joy everyday.
Welcome to SR!
Glad to see you are sober
No...not things that will give a rush
something you will need your brain for.
I too went back to school took subjects I found fascinating.
I know how to fly a plane..Scuba...shoot...gourmet cook...fish
play a flute and a violin...those are fun for me.
The most important thing I do is find joy everyday.
Welcome to SR!Glad to see you are sober
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Rock Springs, WY
Posts: 5
Thanks for all your replies, guys. At first I got mad at what you were saying. Then I got really trashed last night - 1/2 bottle of Black Velvet whiskey. I woke up this morning and my hip is somehow out of place. And I talked to my brother last night, he made me feel a little better.
I guess I'm just angry that no one really cares what I do. I feel that I worked so hard to be someone with good morals and values, and no one really cares what I accomplished except me. Kind of like, why did I waste all that time? I'm just in a bad place right now, a bad dream. I'm sure I'll get over it - we all do, right? We all slip.
Thanks for being there and for your concern. I'm not alone. Thanks.
I guess I'm just angry that no one really cares what I do. I feel that I worked so hard to be someone with good morals and values, and no one really cares what I accomplished except me. Kind of like, why did I waste all that time? I'm just in a bad place right now, a bad dream. I'm sure I'll get over it - we all do, right? We all slip.
Thanks for being there and for your concern. I'm not alone. Thanks.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 2,126
"...I guess I'd have to explain what it's like to be on ecstacy..."
...not to me bubba.....as a child of the 60's.....well, actually a child of the 50's, I was in my 20's in the 60's in San Francisco....and a procurer/dealer of lsd, mescaline, mda/mdma(extasy) in the 80's.....I KNOW exactly what you mean when you say....: "...I guess I'd have to explain what it's like to be on ecstacy...?" nah.....
Having gotten all that outta the way, let me just ask.....what exactly is it that you're looking for here? The only thing I seem to see is that you're looking to be 'not bored,' and unfortunately that would be up to you.....first off, tho.....:
"...you know how alcoholics can't go to bars? Well, I can't be in a rock band the way I used to because it makes me want to use like hell ..."
This is a total misconception. I've been clean/sober for 20+ years, and I can go to bars; heck, I go to block parties/street fairs, where the booze and drugs flow freely, and I don't use/drink.....not even the urge. Perhaps the difference between you and me is that I've been working a program, and all you've done is quit using.....?
You said, "... By the way, I'm not religious, either - that's a big reason why I don't want to go to meetings..."
You don't have to be religious to go to meetings. Speaking as an atheist who got clean/sober through AA/NA (mostly AA, since there were way more meetings, and most of the folks were the same anyway...lol), it works for those non-religious too.... (o:
I don't know if I've answered any of your questions, but I hope I've given you something to think about, and I also hope you don't take offense at anything I've said..... (o:
NoelleR
DOS: 6/23/86
P.S. ...and by the way, there are lots of clean/sober folks in the music business.....I know, cause I know a lot of them.....
P.P.S also....your thread title? "sober but still VERY addicted" .....? but you said....."...I got really trashed last night - 1/2 bottle of Black Velvet whiskey..." guess that 'sober' doesn't apply anymore do it.....lol
...not to me bubba.....as a child of the 60's.....well, actually a child of the 50's, I was in my 20's in the 60's in San Francisco....and a procurer/dealer of lsd, mescaline, mda/mdma(extasy) in the 80's.....I KNOW exactly what you mean when you say....: "...I guess I'd have to explain what it's like to be on ecstacy...?" nah.....
Having gotten all that outta the way, let me just ask.....what exactly is it that you're looking for here? The only thing I seem to see is that you're looking to be 'not bored,' and unfortunately that would be up to you.....first off, tho.....:
"...you know how alcoholics can't go to bars? Well, I can't be in a rock band the way I used to because it makes me want to use like hell ..."
This is a total misconception. I've been clean/sober for 20+ years, and I can go to bars; heck, I go to block parties/street fairs, where the booze and drugs flow freely, and I don't use/drink.....not even the urge. Perhaps the difference between you and me is that I've been working a program, and all you've done is quit using.....?
You said, "... By the way, I'm not religious, either - that's a big reason why I don't want to go to meetings..."
You don't have to be religious to go to meetings. Speaking as an atheist who got clean/sober through AA/NA (mostly AA, since there were way more meetings, and most of the folks were the same anyway...lol), it works for those non-religious too.... (o:
I don't know if I've answered any of your questions, but I hope I've given you something to think about, and I also hope you don't take offense at anything I've said..... (o:
NoelleR
DOS: 6/23/86
P.S. ...and by the way, there are lots of clean/sober folks in the music business.....I know, cause I know a lot of them.....
P.P.S also....your thread title? "sober but still VERY addicted" .....? but you said....."...I got really trashed last night - 1/2 bottle of Black Velvet whiskey..." guess that 'sober' doesn't apply anymore do it.....lol
Bring Laughter Wherever You Go
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 357
Originally Posted by wyo3dgfan
At first I got mad at what you were saying. Then I got really trashed last night - 1/2 bottle of Black Velvet whiskey. I woke up this morning and my hip is somehow out of place.
I guess I'm just angry that no one really cares what I do. I feel that I worked so hard to be someone with good morals and values, and no one really cares what I accomplished except me. Kind of like, why did I waste all that time? Thanks.
I guess I'm just angry that no one really cares what I do. I feel that I worked so hard to be someone with good morals and values, and no one really cares what I accomplished except me. Kind of like, why did I waste all that time? Thanks.
And you are mad that no one care about what you do? So you got drunk. All those qualities you described about yourself are not a waste if they are for you and only you. Who cares if no one else appreciates them. You should. We don't acquire those qualities for others, we acquire them for ourselves.
Heres my point. I know that everyone here wants to help. But you can't get help if you don't know what you need help for. So is it just boredom? Or do you think you may have a problem with alcohol. If that is the case, you are in the right spot. Lots of help here. Secondly, you have to do this for yourself, not for what everyone else thinks or appreciates of you.
Having said those things, I in NO WAY mean to be harsh. I don't like when I read harsh posts so I never want to post one myself. BUT it is really important for your welfare that you be honest with yourself about what you need.
I sure hope to hear from you again!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: WA, USA
Posts: 2,591
I'm sorry, that post that I made on this thread is a little blunt. What I mean is, like you said, you have worked hard to be where you are and to throw all that away for a buzz is really sad. It has happened to so many people before and it doesn't need to. I really hope you can find help so that you can keep doing what you like to do.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Rock Springs, WY
Posts: 5
".....what exactly is it that you're looking for here?"
People to talk to, because I have some serious problems. An no, I'm not "just bored" - I never said that boredom alone is why I feel like such a piece of crap now. I didn't get drunk last night because of the posts - I did it because I majorly slipped. I didn't mention that I cried pretty hard. I didn't mention that it would've been really great to just have a big hug. I feel really bad about it. I need some major help, and I thought support of people who care about you is part of that help; maybe not? Just a damn hug would be great.
"I've been clean/sober for 20+ years, and I can go to bars..."
Well, I can't right now. I'm finally realizing that. I can't even go home really - it doesn't matter where I am or where I go, I still want to do it. Good for you that you can do that. Maybe someday I can too, but right now I am not strong enough.
"guess that 'sober' doesn't apply anymore do it.....lol"
I noticed that. I'd love to change the title of this thread. But I'm not laughing. I'm seriously messed up.
"What I mean is, like you said, you have worked hard to be where you are and to throw all that away for a buzz is really sad."
Yep - pretty sad. I'm destroying myself, for reasons unknown. I don't appreciate the things I have anymore and I don't know why. That's why I joined - to have support and people to talk to - because I don't know why I still like myself at all; technically I should hate myself for what I'm doing to myself. I don't know why I'm missing being on drugs; I don't know why I associate that with having fun; do I need to figure out what help I need in order to ask for it? I mean, yes, I have problems with alcohol, drugs, maybe decision-making and self-esteem and more. I said I was new at this - even talking about it - I don't want people to know what I do or what I've done, it's too sad and too stupid - I don't want people to judge me. And I'm afraid to tell anyone how I feel because I feel like I always have to justify and validate everything. Is that part of it? The problem? And why does it bother me in the first place? To justify? I think for the same reason why I want a hug... it would just be nice to have someone else care. Yes - I'm the one who needs to care most - but gosh, to be able to express my feelings to another person without the fear of him/her telling me I should or shouldn't feel that way or why I do, maybe just not say anything and give me a hug... wow, that would be neat.
I'm gonna get some help. I joined this site for support, but I think I need a different kind of support right now. I really really need help, and one page of trying to explain years and years of hurt and guilt and pain in a few sentences isn't working - it's not getting across right, I'm not choosing the right words. So thank you for your posts... I might just read posts for a bit. Like you mentioned, the title of this thread doesn't apply anymore to me, and I'm the one who started it.
Thanks.
People to talk to, because I have some serious problems. An no, I'm not "just bored" - I never said that boredom alone is why I feel like such a piece of crap now. I didn't get drunk last night because of the posts - I did it because I majorly slipped. I didn't mention that I cried pretty hard. I didn't mention that it would've been really great to just have a big hug. I feel really bad about it. I need some major help, and I thought support of people who care about you is part of that help; maybe not? Just a damn hug would be great.
"I've been clean/sober for 20+ years, and I can go to bars..."
Well, I can't right now. I'm finally realizing that. I can't even go home really - it doesn't matter where I am or where I go, I still want to do it. Good for you that you can do that. Maybe someday I can too, but right now I am not strong enough.
"guess that 'sober' doesn't apply anymore do it.....lol"
I noticed that. I'd love to change the title of this thread. But I'm not laughing. I'm seriously messed up.
"What I mean is, like you said, you have worked hard to be where you are and to throw all that away for a buzz is really sad."
Yep - pretty sad. I'm destroying myself, for reasons unknown. I don't appreciate the things I have anymore and I don't know why. That's why I joined - to have support and people to talk to - because I don't know why I still like myself at all; technically I should hate myself for what I'm doing to myself. I don't know why I'm missing being on drugs; I don't know why I associate that with having fun; do I need to figure out what help I need in order to ask for it? I mean, yes, I have problems with alcohol, drugs, maybe decision-making and self-esteem and more. I said I was new at this - even talking about it - I don't want people to know what I do or what I've done, it's too sad and too stupid - I don't want people to judge me. And I'm afraid to tell anyone how I feel because I feel like I always have to justify and validate everything. Is that part of it? The problem? And why does it bother me in the first place? To justify? I think for the same reason why I want a hug... it would just be nice to have someone else care. Yes - I'm the one who needs to care most - but gosh, to be able to express my feelings to another person without the fear of him/her telling me I should or shouldn't feel that way or why I do, maybe just not say anything and give me a hug... wow, that would be neat.
I'm gonna get some help. I joined this site for support, but I think I need a different kind of support right now. I really really need help, and one page of trying to explain years and years of hurt and guilt and pain in a few sentences isn't working - it's not getting across right, I'm not choosing the right words. So thank you for your posts... I might just read posts for a bit. Like you mentioned, the title of this thread doesn't apply anymore to me, and I'm the one who started it.
Thanks.
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