".....what exactly is it that you're looking for here?"
People to talk to, because I have some serious problems. An no, I'm not "just bored" - I never said that boredom alone is why I feel like such a piece of crap now. I didn't get drunk last night because of the posts - I did it because I majorly slipped. I didn't mention that I cried pretty hard. I didn't mention that it would've been really great to just have a big hug. I feel really bad about it. I need some major help, and I thought support of people who care about you is part of that help; maybe not? Just a damn hug would be great.
"I've been clean/sober for 20+ years, and I can go to bars..."
Well, I can't right now. I'm finally realizing that. I can't even go home really - it doesn't matter where I am or where I go, I still want to do it. Good for you that you can do that. Maybe someday I can too, but right now I am not strong enough.
"guess that 'sober' doesn't apply anymore do it.....lol"
I noticed that. I'd love to change the title of this thread. But I'm not laughing. I'm seriously messed up.
"What I mean is, like you said, you have worked hard to be where you are and to throw all that away for a buzz is really sad."
Yep - pretty sad. I'm destroying myself, for reasons unknown. I don't appreciate the things I have anymore and I don't know why. That's why I joined - to have support and people to talk to - because I don't know why I still like myself at all; technically I should hate myself for what I'm doing to myself. I don't know why I'm missing being on drugs; I don't know why I associate that with having fun; do I need to figure out what help I need in order to ask for it? I mean, yes, I have problems with alcohol, drugs, maybe decision-making and self-esteem and more. I said I was new at this - even talking about it - I don't want people to know what I do or what I've done, it's too sad and too stupid - I don't want people to judge me. And I'm afraid to tell anyone how I feel because I feel like I always have to justify and validate everything. Is that part of it? The problem? And why does it bother me in the first place? To justify? I think for the same reason why I want a hug... it would just be nice to have someone else care. Yes - I'm the one who needs to care most - but gosh, to be able to express my feelings to another person without the fear of him/her telling me I should or shouldn't feel that way or why I do, maybe just not say anything and give me a hug... wow, that would be neat.
I'm gonna get some help. I joined this site for support, but I think I need a different kind of support right now. I really really need help, and one page of trying to explain years and years of hurt and guilt and pain in a few sentences isn't working - it's not getting across right, I'm not choosing the right words. So thank you for your posts... I might just read posts for a bit. Like you mentioned, the title of this thread doesn't apply anymore to me, and I'm the one who started it.
Thanks.