Zanthos

Yes! That's exactly what AA and a program of spiritual development are meant to address. "Sobriety" for many, many of us is NOT about "not drinking". It is ALL about living well, being grateful for Life, having a loving God in your life, and loving others. A truly beautiful way to live. (Which I tend to fall short of, but at least I'm headed in the right direction. (I hope.))

I know how much pain is associated with a statement like that. I know cause I've been there. And so have literally millions and millions of others. So you are not alone. But instead of "taking" your life back, you will learn to give it -- to God and to others. That is where we find our freedom.

Telesius, you sound like you are right on the cusp of trying something new. That's a great and wonderful place to be, even though you may feel like s**t right now. Find a good AA meeting. Find a few! There is a tremendous exciting adventure just ahead of you if you have the courage to endure the discomfort of growth and change, and learning what you don't know, but need, to live really, really well.

Remember, the answer lies outside yourself. Seek out what you don't know, and you will find what you've been searching inside of yourself for your whole life.

Jersey Nonny

Quote:

So yes i don't think to be a normal social-drinker but
at the same time i don't show the typical symptoms
of an alcoholic.

I don't know what the "typical symptoms" are...I think you'd find most alcoholics are atypical, by society's standards.

It sounds like you're putting more thought and energy into how you can drink than how you can stop drinking. You say you tend to plan everything and you're already planning on how you're going to spend Christmas and New Year's Eve.

Quote:

my actual goal is staying sober at least until chrismas.
at christmas we'll have a big dinner and of course i'll be
forced to drink a bit but i'll manage to drink like the others.

then new years eve, same as above.

If you do manage not to drink between now and Christmas, I hope and pray you'll realize sobriety is the best gift you can give yourself and your loved ones and continue to stay away from that one drink one day at a time!

Zanthos

You sound just like me! That's what kept me drinking for so long -- couldn't see any way out of these feelings I hated.

And this is what AA and many of the people in it discovered and have been re-discovering over and over again. "Our liquor was but a symptom."

I don't mean to sound like a walking, talking billboard for AA, but that's where I found the answer to a life of intense unhappiness. So I am very enthusiastic about recommending it.

Telesius

yes, saying "take my life back" is a bit meaningless
as actually i've no idea how to live sober, can't remember
a sober weekend for instance apart when having flu or getting sick.

and the few times i skipped the weekend binge i drank on mondays.

i mean i sort of "needed" the "once a week" drink to "reset"
myself.

i don't think to be ready to join AA.
i'm slowly (very slowly) getting in touch again with
christianity (roman catholic).

im seriously curious about entering a church and
eventually join a group of fellow 25-35 yrs old
catholics.

for all my life i laughed about something like this,
i even often used Christian as an insult.

and here i am now, praying (!!) and willing to
join a church.

not because i feel i can't do it alone, but because
now i really feel i would like to have friends who
share some of my views and are genuinely interested
in a honest friendship that is not based on money
or material gains.

i mean i'm just sick of my past lifestyle, sick of
the binge drinking and the crap you do and think
while believing you're alone in this world.

all i want is a normal life, a wife, kids, a stable family.

who would ever marry someone like me if not for the money ?
i really feel i can be a good guy but how can you feel good
when most of the time you feel like **** and you spit at yourself
in the mirror ?

over and over, a consuming endless loop that in the end makes
you feel sort of powerless.

when i'm sober i'm all for order and discipline.
how come i trash it all when drinking ?

i've lost count of the ppl who after a while puzzled
me asking what the hell is wrong with me, why i act so
normal in office and so crazy outside work.

they noticed i wasnt just getting drunk, they observed
my drunkness was sort of bad drunk, not the one of a
happy drunk.

some ppl got scared by this, and me too, when hearing
the next day what i said to people i care and that i completely
forgot.

what's worse, i tend to hurt the few ones who still care about
me.

i lost many friends, and many relationship because of my
unstable behaviour
(even when sober).

it seems there's a devil in me and now i just really want peace.
and i will have it, no matter what it takes to reach soberty and a
stable mood.

so that's it, wish me luck !

one day at a time, with a long-term plan.

mikel60

I got sober through AA at age 36. I had no wife, no kids, no real life to speak of. It was after I stopped drinking that all these things happenend. There was no real life in the barroom. Plus, is that really where you want to meet your wife?

The religion thing seems like a good idea. But I'd say that you need to stop drinking. I thought I was in control after 15 beers, too. Soon your body will start telling you differently. Mine did.

Just stop. Just say no - hit some AA meetings. Try the church... but stop. You''ll be amazed at how productive and clear-thinking you'll become. That was my experience. Even with a few 3.5 day layovers my thought processes and ability to think, reason, and problem solve was muddled by the poison I was ingesting. Cause that's what it - poison. I sprayed a bug with bug spray once. First he started buzzinfg crazily, spun around on his head for awhile, then staggered around. That was like me drinking. Eventually he dropped dead. That would have been me, too. That's what we do to ourselves with alcohol.

I hope you stop. I really do. Your choice.

Mike

ManchurianC

Telesius, I think you are definitely an alcoholic.

You seem to be at a pivot point where, if you tip one way you will make every effort to quit drinking, try to deal with your inner demons (perhaps with professional help) and have a chance at happiness for the next 40 years or so, or, if you tip the other way you will hit the booze hard from now on (in the form of a slow painful self-loathing suicide) till the bitter end.

Anyway, good luck with your current effort to stay sober (you said have quit before for 8 weeks and survived - and you felt good from all angles, so hang on to that).

hjen

TELESIUS Hi.You can go to a AA meeting as a observer and do not have to say you are alcoholic.Listen to the similarities and NOT the differences and i think it will be a eye opener.I have already noted all the similarities between you and i and also the angst.Finally for me it was just easier for me only to give in and all those questions you are asking will be revealed by others.Giving up drink is only the beginning but than it gives us clarity to obtain a emotional and spiritual guide to live a fullfilling life
I also did think life would be over once i gave up booze and instead i found so much more;Alcoholism is a progressive disease and the control you are trying so hard will become harder and more subtle as it is cunning, powerful and baffling.Good luck on your journey
jen

CarolD

Welcome to SR!

Here is an interesting Time article

http://www.time.com/time/magazine/ar...640436,00.html

Blessings

Pilgrim

Hi Tele,

Welcome to SR.

I related to your drinking. Blackouts (not remembering how we acted or what we said) are a big sign. You are looking at the effects of drinking and that is great. In the end, the effects are what matter most in making a decision to stop.

When I came to SR, I reached the point where I couldn't imagine a life without drinking but I couldn't imagine going on the way I was. I had no desire to stop and I had no idea I was an alcoholic.

I binged just like you (about 2 or 3 times a week) and was too sick in between to drink. For me, I remember not being able to go back to work after a "couple" of wines at lunchtime. I also felt that drinking improved me.

I think you have taken a huge first step asking for help and it's great to have you here.

Steph

Pilgrim

O - and the improved should have been in italics. Life without it is much better and I am only just realising how it didn't improve me at all!!!

hjen

Hi Carol,
thanks for the welcome and link which i found really interseting
jen

SaTiT

Beats the heck out of me if I'm alki or not.
I have all the symtoms.
I don't even know if there's a god.
I don't even know what's going to happen tommorow.
I couldn't and can't imagin not drinking for the rest of my life
Maybe i will drink tommorow...i don't know

but just for today...I'm not drinking no matter what.
it's as simple as that.
seriousely, I don't drink no matter what through thick and thin, just for today.

SaTiT

it's today..again

Who knows....i might pick up tommorow ????

But today...I'm not drinking or using no matter what.

SaTiT

What da ???? It's today again....

everytime I open my eyes...it's always in the today...what's up with that:rof

Okay...thoughts for the day.

I'm not picking up today no matter what...maybe tommorow.
I'm good at putting off stuff anyhow.

Octoman

Hi Telesius

Your comments and what you have told me about your lifestyle rings a lot of bells for me. i dont mean to hijack your thread but I thought it might be useful to let you know what happened to me a little for comparison. Perhaps it will help you in your search for an answer on whether you are alcoholic yourself

Like you my career has gone well and I have managed to keep drinking from impacting on my work. For years my view was that as long as I was getting my job done and not missing any time then I must be handling my drinking okay. The rest is irrelevant. People who hold down a good job cant be drunks right? The think is, alcoholism really is progressive and for me it crept up little by little until I was engulfed. I think it is a bit like a one way street - others compare it to an elevator that only goes down. Whatever the analogy once you take that step to more / heavier / more frequent drinking it gets hard coded and you cant go back.

I was a heavy drinker from a very early age but when I first began work I only used to binge heavily on Friday and Saturday night and rarely during the week. I would look forward to my weekends when I could get drunk with my friends. After a year or so I foudn that I could go out during the week too and still perform at work. I used to allow myself the occasional `big one` during the week. From there it gradually became most nights drinking heavily and then finally every night. From time to time I would try to cut back but always end where I started. It was the one way street. Once I had moved on from just weekend evening drinking I could never go back.

I used to meet clients and drink normally with them. i never showed any signs of drunkeness at work. Sometimes I would have dinner with clients and drink a couple of glasses of wine then on the way home stop off at a bar and drink for the rest of the night. I could go out with colleagues and drink `normally` although I was regarded as quite a heavy drinker. I used to meet old mates and drink normally too.

Thing is I had discovered drinking alone and that was the key. I could have drinks with my friends and keep it together until they left after which I could get about getting really drunk. Tricks like buying an extra drink at the bar and downing it became the norm. I could drink double what my companions had that way without them knowing. It soon progressed to smuggling of spirits into bars in my pockets to `fortify` my drinks.

I discovered daytime drinking at the weekends about a year ago and after a while found myself drinking all weekend every weekend. I tried to cut back but I had gone down the one way street again. The pregression was so gradual and incremental that it was hard to spot but looking back the rot was so obvious. By this point I was trying to stop but couldnt.

I began to pop for a `couple of pints` at lunchtime during work. Initially with colleagues but eventually making up bogus meetings so it never seemed out of place to return with alcohol on my breath. That soon became every day. Finally I discovered the morning sharpener - a G&T on the train to set me off on my day.

You can see this was all quite gradual and each step at the time seemed like a minor increase in my drinking. Put them together though and they were devastating. Towards the end I was drinking solidly whenever I could and most nights heading into a blackout. Yet despite that I kept it together at work - in fact the last year has been one of my most successful professionally. The problem was become quite obvious though and I think if I hadnt got hold of myself five months ago I would have melted down by now.

I guess what I am trying to say is that it NEVER felt like I was an alcoholic. I still question it now. Even to the point of drinking three weeks ago convinced that I was okay and immediately embarking on a 30 hour drinking binge. I was luck to get back on the wagon. And yet I am still not sure and entertain thoughts that maybe after chritmas I could have a couple to test the water again.
The thing is the bottom is a very very long way down for alcoholics. I was barely getting started. You too. We could continue for another 20 years of destructive drinking and even then question whether we `truly` have a problem.

Right now you have a chance to get out and get on with your life. I think that if you are in any doubt about whether you need to stop drinking just remeber what is at risk and read some of the experiences of others on here who were not so lucky to catch their problem early. They lost everything. Truly went to hell and back. Facing that surely drinking isnt worth the risk?

Good luck - I hope you find the answers you are looking for and find the way to a meaningful recovery.

PS sorry for the long post - I am having a bit of a tough night tonight and its kind of helpful to reflect myself on the reasons I am going through this

Justme57

Hi,
It was just this same "circuitous conversation" with myself , that kept me an active drunk for 37 years

i simply can't stop
after the first glass.

and
It ws this realisation that terrified me, and caused me to seek help

IMO people who do not have a problem with alcohol, do not even think about weather they drink, or weather they dont..

So glad you are seeking help

HUGX
Leigh