Aysha

I am still in very early stages..But I have been putting a whole lot of effort in this time. I would have relapsed 100 times over by now by not even trying. Well I am more than trying. And yes it is working. But good god. I thought it was suppose to get easier the more you overcame the urges and stuff like that. I have never fought the feeling till it went away before. it's not as hard as I thought it would be sometimes. But it is more frequent. This addiction is persistant SOB.
I have been in the cop spot city twice in the last month and made it back alive and drug free.
That is the hardest thing to do. Being there and leaving when I am in eyesight of the block.
But I did do it and it felt freakin awesome to be able to do what I thought was impossible. But geez..It seems like my addiction is in full on war with me. It isnt getting easier..Its getting harder. Longer and more frequent thoughts rushing in my brain.
I can handle it at the moment. But is this how its going to be for the rest of my life? A constant everyday sometimes all day all out war with myself?
I am feeling pretty strong at the moment. But Not 100%
I do not ever want to get high again. This year has been the worst in all my using years.
I am finally on the right track again with my family..financially..mentally..emotionally and with myself I think for the first time.
I am stepping up and taking responsibility for once.
But these freakin battles are just so draining and constant some days.
I am so sick of thinking about it and having to keep going through hell to not use.
I am going to continue to do what I have to not to use. But in is getting old fast.
Does this ever stop?
Its not life I am struggling with. i am good there. I am happy as horse ****. But the struggle is with the habitual thoughts. And the constant fight with it.

parentrecovers

keep fighting the good fight, chiy...hugs, k

odaat

Chiynita - at my meeting they say that its worth it but I have my doubts. My Mum said I should stick with AA for 6 months, so I'm going to do that. I'm doing what I'm suppose to be doing, but I still feel rubbish. A lot of people seem to suceed with AA and NA, maybe they are right?

Anna

It takes time Chynita, it takes time and patience.

Just keep getting through each day and moving forward.

slash

Wow..all that and you are still doing it! Congratulations!!:Weightlif <---YOU

That's exactly why you are working on changing your habits. You will make it. I can feel your passion. It's a rough ride...and it truly does (for most) get worse before it gets better..but it DOES get better..and better...and better.

Surlyredhead

(((((((Chiynita))))))) Sweetie, it will get easier if you are persistent in your recovery efforts. I wish I were close to you, so I could tell you this in person, and give you a hug. You are very early into your clean time. It takes a few 24 hours (in my case a few plus some more!!!) for the change to take place....but one day, you will get the feeling....all the way to your core, that everything will be okay. For me, it felt like God was giving me a hug, the change in the way I felt was like getting into a warm shower on a cold winter night...warm and good. Don't get me wrong, I relapsed more times than I care to admit, before I got to that point...not many of us get it on the first try!!!! But, with time, support and a whole lot of strength, you will get there too. I haven't let my guard down, and every day, I make my recovery priority #1, I know the disease is just waiting for the opportunity to drag me back into the madness if addiction. Be strong....I am pulling for you.

Cathy

Alyce14

Chynita, Hugs from me for what its worth. Still stuggling myself, Alyce

Dee74

No magic wands Trish....I still have moments myself.
We wouldn't need SR if it was easy, mate

but I have reached a point where not being effed up is normal and where the cravings are abnormal rather than vice versa - I think that's a big step

hang in there
D

Alyce14

Thanks Dee. Not being effed up is a good reason to stay sober....

Dee74

yeah Alyce, took me a lifetime to get here LOL
but being effed up ain't all that

D

Aysha

Thats what I feel like despite the daily struggle. Thats the part that gets me through. I do feel it deep down. And its just a feeling of contentment. Like I can breathe. All kinds of relief and peace. Like I cant even really put into words.

And the dicomfort of urges and thoughts really dont last long. Its just that they keep coming and dont stop sometimes. I cut em off quite easily. That has gotten easier. It's that they dont stop is what is getting harder. It's kinda like boxing. Constantly have to block the blows.
Maybe my addiction feels it needs to put in some serious overtime to break me since it is not working so far. I dont know.
I am just hoping that this isnt going to be like this forever.

Grizzled

Experiancing this and losing that feeling nearly drove me crazy. It happens to me about every month for a few days and I get scared that the feeling will never return.

At the same time a hole feels like it opens up inside me that only booze (in my case) will fix.

I just have to struggle through these times and realize that things will be better in a few days (sometimes longer), and when that feeling comes back again I nearly break into tears in gratitude.

Without suffering there is no wisdom. That is what works for me.

Good luck.

Pipes Mcgee

Believe me,...I am not assuming anything here,..but, why, may I ask, are you anywhere near the "cop spot city" ??? These encounters are fuel for and most times,...the reason for urges.

Fitzpatrick

I'm a newbie to alcohol recovery. But I've read a lot about various addictions.

Cigarettes are the most addictive drugs, and the hardest to quit. I know many people who have tried several times to quit before they finally quit for good.

You can do it, chiynita. The fact that you keep trying is evidence of that.

Aysha

Because I had court.

Pipes Mcgee

Ah,...I see. Sorry.

It DOES get easier. It takes a little while.

nogard

we got sick a day at a time and we heal a day at a time. Have a look around you at those who are well and have been drug free for 10 years+ ask them how they got there.

Kevin

wylielass

Boy can I relate to your concerns! I'm new to this recovery thing, so I can't say from personal experience how different things will be in time. But I can give you two things that should give you some hope!

- Back in 2003, my son was born prematurely, and died a few hours later. Needless to say, I was absolutely devastated. The worst part was after the intial period, when I started adjusting, but was still sad. I thought "Is this it? Will I ever be happy again? Or is my life going to be gray forever?" Well, it got better. I learned to laugh again, and love again, and life is worth living again. I'm not just "okay", I'm GLAD to be alive. It happens with grief, and I believe it happens with sobriety, too.

- The reason I believe it happens with sobriety is that I have 2 brothers, in AA for over a decade each. When they each quit, they went through the same "Yeah, I'm surviving, but I ain't thriving" kind of thing. Now, both are in happy relationships. Both have hobbies, and fun times, and they laugh, and they enjoy life. Truly enjoy life, not just get by. Not only are they both doing well, but they're fun to be around. Not mopey "yeah, it stinks that I'm an alcoholic" gloom and doom, but genuinely happy people. And if it can happen for them, it can happen for anyone. 'Cause I knew 'em during the gloom-and-doom days, and it was not a fun time at all! If they can find joy in sobriety, we all can!!!!

serenityqueen

It does get easier.I found that the more I tell on my disease, the less power it has. Keep on telling on it. Remember when we were kids and people said,"Don't be a tattle tale?" Well, do be a tattle tale in this case! The more you share the less strength it has. Don't keep your feelings a secret.

To Grizzled, did I notice that yesterday was one year for you? If you had a thread on this and I missed it, I'd like to take the time to say, WAY TO GO! One year! Awesome!

nogard

Yes take a look around you, make sure your surrounded by people in recovery who have time up and work a program and are in life and enjoying it.

To those of you here struggling, don't just swap stories of doom and gloom, take some action, get into the thick of a prgram or your support network.

Kevin