Scared yet hopeful
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 22
Scared yet hopeful
Hi all....
Well, I'm 19 days sober as of today! No meetings yet, but plan to start going soon. Right now I'm freaking out a lot. I'm a 39 year old woman, and I've been a heavy drinker for almost 20 years. (Average 3-5 drinks per day, 5-6 day per week. And when I was performing I could down a bottle of Irish Whisky in one show. Did that most weekends for about 3 years.) My only breaks were doing my two pregnancies... the first, which only lasted five months and resulted in the loss of my son; the second which was the full nine months.
Anyway, a close friend of mine - a guy who drank a little more than me but not much - just died of cirrhosis. The last time I saw him he looked completely fine. A few months later I heard he looked terrible (didn't see him though, we live far apart). Another few months later and he's gone. I'm still shell-shocked. Here I am, mourning the loss of my friend, and terrified that I'll be next. Being the quasi-hypochondriac sort that I can be, I've been reading all about liver disease. I seem to have many of the symptoms: nausea, fatigue, abdominal discomfort, loss of appetite, and small bumps on my face, on and near my eyes. I've also had MRI's in the past year due to problems with neuropathy, although they've come back normal thank god.
Part of me knows "Okay, deep breath, relax, you can't diagnose on the Internet!" The other part of me is crying myself to sleep, terrified that I won't live to see my daughter (2 and a half today) grow up.
So yeah... lots and lots of fear right now. Like soooo many addicts, I was never honest with my doctor about my alcohol consumption. Last week I came clean, and asked her to order blood work for me. She did, and I'm going to the hospital Tuesday to have my labs drawn.
Anyway, I know I'm rambling on, mostly for my need to put my fears into words. But I'm panicking panicking panicking. I'm wondering if the nausea and loss of appetite could be related to having quit just under three weeks ago? And of course, a lot of it could be due to nerves, god knows I'm a wreck!!! But I'm sooo scared that it's something worse.
Does anyone know how long it takes for LFT's to come back from the lab? (Assuming, of course, anyone made it past the first 3 pages of this book, LOL!)
My other fear - and hence the reason I'm going to start the meetings this week - is my insane ability to delude myself that everything is okay. I know that if the LFT's come back normal, I'll be prone to thinking "Ah heck, I'm fine then!" And that would be a bad, bad thing! I KNOW I have a problem. I KNOW I need to quit. Even if my health is fine, my drinking is outta control. For me there's no "occasional". There's "sober" and "holy crap"!
Well, thank you for the opportunity to get this off my chest. I hope to be around for a long, long time, eventually sharing my wisdom with others. For now though, I'm a terrified newbie who could use all the best wishes and prayers out there!
B
Well, I'm 19 days sober as of today! No meetings yet, but plan to start going soon. Right now I'm freaking out a lot. I'm a 39 year old woman, and I've been a heavy drinker for almost 20 years. (Average 3-5 drinks per day, 5-6 day per week. And when I was performing I could down a bottle of Irish Whisky in one show. Did that most weekends for about 3 years.) My only breaks were doing my two pregnancies... the first, which only lasted five months and resulted in the loss of my son; the second which was the full nine months.
Anyway, a close friend of mine - a guy who drank a little more than me but not much - just died of cirrhosis. The last time I saw him he looked completely fine. A few months later I heard he looked terrible (didn't see him though, we live far apart). Another few months later and he's gone. I'm still shell-shocked. Here I am, mourning the loss of my friend, and terrified that I'll be next. Being the quasi-hypochondriac sort that I can be, I've been reading all about liver disease. I seem to have many of the symptoms: nausea, fatigue, abdominal discomfort, loss of appetite, and small bumps on my face, on and near my eyes. I've also had MRI's in the past year due to problems with neuropathy, although they've come back normal thank god.
Part of me knows "Okay, deep breath, relax, you can't diagnose on the Internet!" The other part of me is crying myself to sleep, terrified that I won't live to see my daughter (2 and a half today) grow up.
So yeah... lots and lots of fear right now. Like soooo many addicts, I was never honest with my doctor about my alcohol consumption. Last week I came clean, and asked her to order blood work for me. She did, and I'm going to the hospital Tuesday to have my labs drawn.
Anyway, I know I'm rambling on, mostly for my need to put my fears into words. But I'm panicking panicking panicking. I'm wondering if the nausea and loss of appetite could be related to having quit just under three weeks ago? And of course, a lot of it could be due to nerves, god knows I'm a wreck!!! But I'm sooo scared that it's something worse.
Does anyone know how long it takes for LFT's to come back from the lab? (Assuming, of course, anyone made it past the first 3 pages of this book, LOL!)
My other fear - and hence the reason I'm going to start the meetings this week - is my insane ability to delude myself that everything is okay. I know that if the LFT's come back normal, I'll be prone to thinking "Ah heck, I'm fine then!" And that would be a bad, bad thing! I KNOW I have a problem. I KNOW I need to quit. Even if my health is fine, my drinking is outta control. For me there's no "occasional". There's "sober" and "holy crap"!
Well, thank you for the opportunity to get this off my chest. I hope to be around for a long, long time, eventually sharing my wisdom with others. For now though, I'm a terrified newbie who could use all the best wishes and prayers out there!
B
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,497
I do relate to your feelings of being hit by reality and realizing what you are doing to yourself. I was shocked when I actually let it sink in. It's great you went to the dr and chances are things will be fine. As you said, that leaves the question of, then what? So what is your plan? You can live a sober life and I hope you keep reading and posting.
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
Welcome to SR
Lab work takes one hour. Scheduling to get the lab work done can take as long as the line is of those before you. If your Dr thought that something was seriuos, you would have been sent..that day and had an answer in about 2 hours.
I am not a Dr so I can't say what is what but detox from alcohol or any other drug can have our body yelling at us. As you have a look around...read the posts that say *sticky* beside them that are located at the top of the forums.You will find much helpful info and answers in them.
Lab work takes one hour. Scheduling to get the lab work done can take as long as the line is of those before you. If your Dr thought that something was seriuos, you would have been sent..that day and had an answer in about 2 hours.
I am not a Dr so I can't say what is what but detox from alcohol or any other drug can have our body yelling at us. As you have a look around...read the posts that say *sticky* beside them that are located at the top of the forums.You will find much helpful info and answers in them.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: dallas, tx
Posts: 82
Welcome to SR.....we have SOOO much in common....I was having abdominal discomfort and lots of unexplained bruising. I knew from a surgical procedure I had about 10 years ago that my liver was already showing signs of alcoholism but at the time I wasn't experiencing any physical symptoms....quit drinking fro about 4-5 months then went right back at it harder than ever. I pray everything comes out alright for you.....I'm too scared to get mine checked!!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Omak WA
Posts: 1,049
Quitting drinking......
Hi WLass,
Gosh you had your daughter at the same age I had mine. I had a son 8 years before, a daughter 6 years before so with two step-sons had quite a family. That didn't stop me from drinking though.
I didn't drink as soon as I found out I was pregnant but damaged could have been done in those first weeks. I had very healthy babies.
I drank/and/or abused alcohol for about twenty years and then the last four years of my drinking I drank every night after work and all day on the weekends. Some told me I was self-medicating my depression that I had beginning in my teens.
I did almost all of my drinking at home so didn't have run ins with the law just with myself and my feelings of utter hopelessness and helplessness. I finally had enough of it when I had to look in the garbage to see what I had cooked for my daughter's supper the night before, which was a TV Dinner. We saw her doc every Thursday for a check on her newly diagnosed diabetes & I had to bring a journal of her meals, blood sugars, and amounts of insulin needed for the doc to look at. I always felt guilty when I took her in because of my drinking and come to find out, he had already guessed it and talked about it with me when she was in the hospital once. He was kind and gentle with me and even asked me if I thought I needed to go to treatment but I said No because my daughter needed me then.
He gave me some kind of medication to help me stop the first seven days and I did stay sober for three months but then was back at it again until I felt so defeated and thought I didn't deserve to be a mom to this beautiful daughter.
I did get an appointment with mental health thinking I was so horribly crazy because I couldn't quit drinking even to help myself.
Well, I did make it because I wanted to be sober more than anything else in my life. My daughter and I, she was eleven, compared her diabetes to my alcoholism and how we needed to work together to help each other. We had many scary times with her adjustment to diet and insulin but we made it.
I think you can do this too....put all your wisdom of the past 20 years into a basket and shake it up....there has to have been some knowledge you gained through the drinking years. Some yeas and nays both.
I'm sorry this is so long. I was 48 when I sobered up and I didn't have a doc so asked the oncall ER doc to be my doctor when I went in the hospital for detox. He said he would and he got to see me as I went back to college and got a good job all while I was sober.
Please keep posting to let us know how you are doing...it takes practice....and more practice..and AA meetings and a Sponsor as you take it a day at a time.
Love,
kelsh
Gosh you had your daughter at the same age I had mine. I had a son 8 years before, a daughter 6 years before so with two step-sons had quite a family. That didn't stop me from drinking though.
I didn't drink as soon as I found out I was pregnant but damaged could have been done in those first weeks. I had very healthy babies.
I drank/and/or abused alcohol for about twenty years and then the last four years of my drinking I drank every night after work and all day on the weekends. Some told me I was self-medicating my depression that I had beginning in my teens.
I did almost all of my drinking at home so didn't have run ins with the law just with myself and my feelings of utter hopelessness and helplessness. I finally had enough of it when I had to look in the garbage to see what I had cooked for my daughter's supper the night before, which was a TV Dinner. We saw her doc every Thursday for a check on her newly diagnosed diabetes & I had to bring a journal of her meals, blood sugars, and amounts of insulin needed for the doc to look at. I always felt guilty when I took her in because of my drinking and come to find out, he had already guessed it and talked about it with me when she was in the hospital once. He was kind and gentle with me and even asked me if I thought I needed to go to treatment but I said No because my daughter needed me then.
He gave me some kind of medication to help me stop the first seven days and I did stay sober for three months but then was back at it again until I felt so defeated and thought I didn't deserve to be a mom to this beautiful daughter.
I did get an appointment with mental health thinking I was so horribly crazy because I couldn't quit drinking even to help myself.
Well, I did make it because I wanted to be sober more than anything else in my life. My daughter and I, she was eleven, compared her diabetes to my alcoholism and how we needed to work together to help each other. We had many scary times with her adjustment to diet and insulin but we made it.
I think you can do this too....put all your wisdom of the past 20 years into a basket and shake it up....there has to have been some knowledge you gained through the drinking years. Some yeas and nays both.
I'm sorry this is so long. I was 48 when I sobered up and I didn't have a doc so asked the oncall ER doc to be my doctor when I went in the hospital for detox. He said he would and he got to see me as I went back to college and got a good job all while I was sober.
Please keep posting to let us know how you are doing...it takes practice....and more practice..and AA meetings and a Sponsor as you take it a day at a time.
Love,
kelsh
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: south pole
Posts: 26
we worry about everything as soon as we stop drinking or using anyway, so if it wasn't your liver you would be on to thinking about something else. the best thing you could do for yourself is go to meetings. the chances of staying stopped on your own are between slim and none. if it were possible there would be no aa or na. it is the best thing we can do for ourselves. welcome to the board! i am new to this board myself, so i am acquainting myself with others. keep posting. angie
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Upstate, N.Y.
Posts: 4,639
Hi Wylielass, Welcome to SR. There's a lot of good people on here to help. I'm 41 and drank the same amount as you everyday. I did it by myself at home. I was a housewife drunk. I hid my bottles the whole nine yards. I had blood work done myself and found out my liver is OK. I go to AA and there a real big help for me and i know I can't do it without them.
Keep reading and posting.
Barb
Keep reading and posting.
Barb
outtahere
Join Date: Nov 2006
Posts: 519
You have to count up all the negative things alcohol has done to you (I had a very long list of things). Then count up the positive things alcohol has done for you (I couldn't hardly find anything and for an alcoholic like me there really isn't anything). Then when you see how much one outweighs the other it should cause you to make the right choice. 
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: in the present moment
Posts: 2,060
Welcome to SR Wylielass,
You will be okay, as long as you don't drink. With sobriety and support and recovery, you will be able to face those fears and facts that life throws you with a strength you may not have known before.
Its wise to get checked out, and its also wise to get to meetings. immerse yourself in AA in the beginning so you can stand a chance of hearing exactly what YOU need to hear. Share your fears, it'll help someone else in that room to know they are not alone or crazy.
Thats how it works. One day at a time. And, don't drink, just for today.
I'm glad you are here with us, and that you've come this far, even though you are in a difficult feeling place over the loss of yuor friend and confused about your health. Sounds like a dimly lit reawakening time. It gets brighter over time.
You will be okay, as long as you don't drink. With sobriety and support and recovery, you will be able to face those fears and facts that life throws you with a strength you may not have known before.
Its wise to get checked out, and its also wise to get to meetings. immerse yourself in AA in the beginning so you can stand a chance of hearing exactly what YOU need to hear. Share your fears, it'll help someone else in that room to know they are not alone or crazy.
Thats how it works. One day at a time. And, don't drink, just for today.
I'm glad you are here with us, and that you've come this far, even though you are in a difficult feeling place over the loss of yuor friend and confused about your health. Sounds like a dimly lit reawakening time. It gets brighter over time.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Hi and Welcome!
Unchecked....the disease of alcoholism is fatal.
It's sad your friend died ...since I quit
25 people I knew have died.
(heart problems...cirrhosis...cancer..accidents...suicide s)
I have no intention of drinking again.
Congratulations on your sober time....
Keep posting ...glad you are here.
Unchecked....the disease of alcoholism is fatal.
It's sad your friend died ...since I quit
25 people I knew have died.
(heart problems...cirrhosis...cancer..accidents...suicide s)
I have no intention of drinking again.
Congratulations on your sober time....
Keep posting ...glad you are here.
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