Jomey

Hey yall, just wanted to throw this out there and see what kind of experiences yall have had...It's kind of hard to put into words (as I found out at my meeting this morning where I blathered on like an idiot )so please bear with me.

I started drinking years ago to relieve untreated anxiety, then when I was drinking I felt mellow for a while, then as drinking became more important and I realized where it was heading, the drinking itself made me anxious and did nothing to help the preexisting anxiety.

I am sober since 8/13/07, and, while I have had glimpses of serenity, the last few days I find myself waking up with the same kinds of feelings that I had when I was drinking. Scared, nervous, etc. and a need to control everything...control is a biggie for me...I tried praying and reminding myself to trust everything to HP, but I am in a little bit of a funk over this. I am trying to re-learn that everyday has it's ups and downs and that it is ok to feel low sometimes, but I am still physically and to some degree mentally used to the "quick fix" of the drink. I don't have any desire to drink b/c of the feelings, but it's just a little depressing (kinda bucked me right off the beautiful pink cloud I had been riding for a bit )

One woman at my meeting said that we have to learn to "be" with all our emotions, and "sit with" whatever the day brings us. I like that wording, but I am having a little trouble figuring how to put that into action. Maybe those are suggestions I am looking for? I am going to ask her more at next meeting, but I am still taking baby steps in sharing there, and often only think of these follow up things when I am relaxed at home after the meeting.

Thanks guys!

Tazman53

Jomey I am just over a year out and still learning, it gets better with time as long as in the long run we are making progress things get better just like we stay sober ODAAT.

Serenity NOW!!!! Oh how I wish it was instantaneous & permanent, but it does come, the longer we are sober and the more we work and live the steps the better it gets.

As the old timers told me and still do on occasion.... "Take it easy, it will come." When things seem to be just going to Hades in a hand basket prayer and talking to some one else in recovery helps me.

GlassPrisoner

My experience is that serenity comes with continued abstinence, and more importantly step-work.

I used to be anxiety ridden. If it wasn't that, it was depression.

My serenity level is off the charts now days. I'm a pretty mellow fellow. It's a good feeling.

Jersey Nonny

Life still has it's ups and downs...if I'm very lucky, the ups will outnumber the downs...and, if I'm really lucky things will level off, and I'll enjoy serenity more often than not.

Early in sobriety...when I was feeling particularly down, my sponsor would say, "This, too, shall pass." Then, when I was feeling particularly up, she would say, "This, too, shall pass." I finally just tried to learn to go with the flow...not get bent out of shape over things that weren't all that important...and, learn to wallow in the good feelings, because sure as shootin' something/someone would come along to pull that pink cloud out from under me. That's life, friends.

Astro

My sponsor taught me this on learning to be:

Be still and know that I am God.
Be still and know that I am.
Be still and know.
Be still.
Be.

Learning how to just "be" is one of the toughest things I've learned to do in sobriety, and it's much easier to preach than practice. Serenity and peace come from within, for me they come from having complete trust and faith and in a higher power, knowing that I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be in my recovery (even when I'm in pain) and knowing that I'm worthy of love and that I love myself in spite of my character defects.

Jomey

WOW! Just when you start to think "no one else will ever understand what I am talking about".....proved wrong again!

I am very grateful for all the responses. I feel like I have to let go of how crazy life seemed at times when I was still drinking and just flailing away at my problems, not really solving them. Who knew what each day would bring, and I had no faith in my HP (although I thought I did) or myself. Now I still don't know what each day will bring, but I am inching in the direction of true faith in HP. No one will ever know what challenges they will face, but as long as I am sober, I know the craziness of drinking will never interfer with my ability to cope and seek HP (and you guys!!)

I am going to try, in my computer illiteracy, to print this page out...every response touched on another corner of what I was trying to say. This one gets pasted in the journal!

THANKS GUYS!

scaredykat

Wow, great topic Jomey. I learned somethings on here myself. I remember what serenity felt like back in 1992. I'm working for it again. Right now being on day 9, I'm learning everything again myself.

Barb

Jomey

Let's go Barb- you and me on the Serenity Trail together!

Taz, I gotta say, SERENITY NOW! is just stuck in my head - I don't know if I want to laugh at the improbability of my wish that it was so, or cry because I have so much growing and relearning to do. I was a selfish, spoiled person when I was drinking, and that phrase "NOW!" reminds me of exactly the way I was trying to run my life...Feel better NOW or I need a drink, get rid of this headache NOW or I need a drink, you do what I want you to do NOW or I need a drink.....you get the picture....Just goes to show how much relearning there is to do...thanks!

SaTiT

HALT...did you eat today ? did you get a good night sleep or rest ?
are you lonely ?..if so, go out and help someone.
are you angery..if so..relaese your anger in a posistive manner.

BE still and know that I'm god
BE still and know that I'm
BE still and know
BE still
BE

It is what is it
Lower you expectations
acceptence, embrace your emotions.

BE transperent...in other words let it go through you , don't fight it (stop fighting).
don't aynalize it, don't project.
if your thoughts are images..just observe them. let them pass by as
a passing parade.
don't force your thoughts or emotions to go faster or slower..just observe.
your mind will also conjure many, many other thoughts..past or future...
don't fight it ..just observe.
In other words don't force to clear your mind...just be still and observe.

stay focus..notice the noise that surrounds you.
notice the cool air surrounding you.
notice the insect or birds flying around.
notice the clouds in the sky
noitce all the plants or trees surround you.
notice your breathing
notice you heart beat.

the music of life..observe it. Be ONE with it.

AT ONE MENT

atonment.

notice life happening in front of at the very moment.
notice you are in the presence of the moment.
BE in the moment...live it. You are in the presence of life or GOD..and
not your head.lol

god usually tells me..when I get to that piont..."welcome to my world"

Jomey

Amazing stuff, SaTIT, thank you soooo much for sharing it! I am going to add this to the journal too - truly awesome!

rloomer

This was (is) a very important thread for me today. Thank you all who posted.
I need to just BE. I am having a down couple days, but I'm no moron. I know this too shall pass. I just need to STOP DRINKING!! It really should be easier for me to do it. Especially since I have meetings and you guys here for me.


Ok, here's the deal. I'm over it, moving on.
Day one. Everyone's got to have one of those right? Well this one is mine.
I'll take it and leave the rest.

Love you guys, you kick @ss

CarolD

For me....
Serenity =God in my life.

serenityqueen

Wow! What a topic! First of all I'd like to say that I just found this site yesterday. A computer in the home is a fairly new treat for me and I'm lovin this site.
Serenity
I never,ever could even comprehend what the word meant when I was using. As sick as I was, I actually thought Serenity was the peace of mind I was in when I had no peace of mind. When I was so high/drunk that I couldn't feel. When all of the reasons that I picked up at age 11 didn't enter my mind. I felt no pain, anger, guilt, shame, fear, embarrassment, rejection, insecurity, worthlessness, self hate . . . . ah, the list goes on.

A little brief history about me. I'm 45 years old and as I stated, I began using at the age of 11. Just a baby. I had been in and out of treatment since the age of 18. At that time I called myself the Queen of Relapse. "I just couldn't get it." I bounced in and out of the rooms of AA/NA from the age of 18 until I was 43. I would look at the old timers in the room and in the back of my mind I honestly thought that these individuals couldn't possibly be that happy without chemicals. I thought they were brainwashed or something. I really wanted to be happy like these people who told me to keep coming back.
In the early morning hours of July 25, 2005, I found myself literally screaming out to God to help me! Help me get clean and sober or help me die. The only reason I didn't try suicide is that I was afraid that I would fail at that also.I feared being stuck in a body that couldn't move but with the mind that never stopped. I was screaming at the top of my lungs for God to please help me. I had been trying to detox myself at home and was about 1 1/2 days into it. Dope sick as hell.I thought that God had left me years ago. I kept screaming out the words 'help me' and 'please' I vaguely remember feeling a sense of peace, my body relaxed, I felt safe, secure, loved. The next thing I knew I woke up 7 hours later. I was still dope sick but when I went back to the hospital to see if a bed had opened up in the detox unit (had been going every day for 3 days in a row) I didn't feel alone. Through the puking, shaking, head pounding, body jerking, sweating, freezing, itching and sneezing, I felt peace. Something happened to me the night before, I felt Serenity. I could feel. No matter how sick I was, I knew that I wasn't alone.
I have been clean and sober since July 25, 2005 and have been through some of the hardest situations that a person will ever go through. Since I have been clean, I lost my Father who I was very, very close to. My Mother's health is failing daily and I fear that she won't be here much longer. My Aunt, who I'm very close to had to have both breasts removed due to breast cancer and now there's more problems. The financial areas that I neglected for years, (IRS included) are coming full circle & I was diagnosed early in my Recovery with Rheumatoid Arthritis and Lupus. But none of these situations ever were worth me picking up over.
Serenity for me is knowing that whatever I'm feeling at any given moment won't last forever. I have lived through hell and never have to go back again. Early in Recovery I was given a calender that had a little girl on it and the caption said,"The Queen of Everything." I jokingly said that I was now the Queen of Everything. On the 2nd Anniversary of my New Life, my son, 18, decorated the whole apt. with balloons, a dozen roses, congratulations banners and a huge homemade sign that said "Congratulations Serenity Queen!" Now I am the Queen of Everything. I have my Family, friends, a great job, a roof over my head, food on the table, enough money to get by, stay warm in the winter and cool in the summer, a bed to sleep in, loved by many and most of all, I love myself. I am no longer ashamed, embarrassed, afraid, disgusted, fearful, hurt, angry, lonley, full of guilt or miserable.

Thank you to anyone who took the time to let me share.

Rusty Zipper

jomey...

one day a long time ago, i was feel'n all down... the new emotions and feelings our SR friends above have mentioned...

i remembered something my sponser (Big Foot) had said...

"When all else fails, go help another Drunk!"

i did, with no motive other then to freely give someone that just walked in, the hope that they also can get one day of not drinking... build a new life, the reaction to life... and enjoy life...

the life of sobriety!

xxoo and good wishes jomey...

rust

Jomey

Thanks again guys,,,this is a great thread due to all the wonderful responses..

Carol, I loved what you said about God=Serenity. It's so on the mark and it's amazing how I thought I was close to God before, but now that I am sober, I can see that He was actually just carrying me along, like a baby, and now I am growing into baby stepping along behind Him, still falling and tripping, but at least with faith that as His Child, He will always stop and pick me back up when I cry out to Him. Gosh, so, so much to relearn, and reform in my relationship with Him, just like relationships with other people.

Rusty, I love your advice especially too. I love to help other people, and I am involved in a lot of volunteer work with the homeless. I was thinking, as I read your post, "I am only working on Day 49, how could I help another drunk?" till I got to what you said about "one day of not drinking". Hmmmmm....it's a lot to consider. I don't know a lot, but I can at least say, "if I can do it, so can you". Lots and lots to think about. Thanks!

Thanks, too, for sharing your story, Miss Queen of Everything/Serenity!!!

Tazman53

Jomey this is one of the best threads I have seen here in a long time. You said:
Jomey when I first came into the rooms of AA and some dude with 20 years of sobriety said anything I simply could not relate or draw any hope in me staying sober 20 years........ hell I could not even picture staying sober 2 weeks!!!

But when I heard some one share how they had managed to stay sober 2 months I paid attention, some how I was able to see that my pain and despair was still very fresh in their minds....... this gave me hope that I too could stay sober for that day! Some how I could get hope from them.

Jomey

Honestly never, ever thought of it that way Taz. I was sober for a couple weeks before y'all got my nervous hind end into a AA meeting (as you well remember, I'm sure, and for which I will be eternally grateful!) so I never thought of the person that shows up on Day 1, or even before that, needing someone to remember very vividly how hard Day 1 is and how hard that first meeting is.

Maybe it IS time for me to start reaching out a little more...I had some plans cancelled on me this afternoon and I am looking forward to spending some of the unplanned free time sitting outside and reading my Bible, my Big Book and reflecting. I was hopeless for even longer than I knew...they idea of giving hope is awesome, in the truest sense of the word.

Also, just thought I'd share this, my nickname has been "Jomey" since I was a little girl - I am the only girl in a family of many brothers, and my parents, thinking they would never have a girl, couldn't decide on a name for me when I was born b/c they had just expected another boy and picked out the name Joseph. My mother hated the name Josephine, so they went with something totally different, but "Jomey" as a derivitive of "Joey" always stuck. Just for fun, I looked it up on one of those baby naming websites the other day, and it is actually a Japanese name that means "bringer of light". Isn't that cool? Maybe I will be able to bring the light of sobriety into someone's life....AWESOME!

Thanks Taz!

Tazman53

Jomey when everything is falling down around a recovering alcoholics ears the best thing found yet to stay sober in AA is helpeing another alcoholic either stay or get sober. Let the light shine hon.

Jomey

(((((((((((Taz))))))))))))))) You have a way with words - you always help me feel better about where my day is going!

Rusty Zipper

jomey keep shine'n that light lady!!!

xxoo, blessings, and recovery...

rz