AAFreeportPA

Hello Rose62. My name is Mark and I'm an Alcoholic.

I felt the exact same way at the beginning of my two-year dry bender. I felt cynical and isolated, believing that Recovery didn't anything to offer me or others. After witnessing my girlfriend at the time ODing I felt that if The Program works then why didn't it help her?

I began isolating more and even going as far as to renouncing my own faith. I became bitter as to why in God's creation things like this happen. I even blamed myself for her disease as well, feeling as though I enabled her in some way. I felt others looked at me that way as well.

After two years of that I realized that who was I to judge? Some people are sicker than others and the seeds of doubt that were planted within me grew into a forest of choking stifling darkness for which I was made blind.

It was only recently that I finally opened my eyes and realized that it was all in my head. That it was me getting in the way of my own Recovery. That my own life became unmanageable. It's when I fell to my knees in pure surrender.

That's why I'm here today.

You can try to go it alone. But I'll warn you. If you feel you're not an Alcoholic then you'll be okay. But if you are an Alcoholic, if you find yourself with the weight of the world pressing down upon yourself, realize that you need not go it alone any longer. That there are people out there who you can turn to in your time of need.

Recovery isn't for everyone. There are many paths but ultimately it becomes one journey. We wish you well on yours. Just don't drink Today and you'll make it to safety for a while. We'll be here if you wish to make that commitment to Life last.

Yours in Recovery, Mark B.

nogard

will keep the light on for you. Take care.

Kevin

Fluttering

Rose
I felt that exact same way in early recovery..I wondered if there was a life outside of the meetings..How would I survive outside the meetings halls...And enough already fo the war stories...amnd other cynical, judgemental black thoguths ..I found out tho...that this is the place to learn how to LIVE SOBER and clean. I had to come back in to find out how others did life on Life's terms and how they are able to have both balance and peace.

I pray you will find peace....the longest journey is the journey inwards.
the most rewarding part of the journey is sharing it with others

Jules62

No no nooooooooooo

None of you are EVER too good for me!

Don't you get it?

I just got back from performing tonight at the comedy club.First time sober.Ever-since I started comedy 3 and a half years ago.

I just had the most awful time-sober.None of them don't drink or use.I didn't.Backstage?I was offered everything.I said no to it all.I still don't know why.

And......luckily for me-I was on second tonight.I did my gig-and got the hell out.I didn't have to stay.I just couldn't.

Now I'm home.

And I just feel so desperate and ashamed I even posted this thread.

I want to be honest-I started tonight.I told every comedian performing with me I couldn't drink anymore-that I was an alcoholic.And I thought it would make me feel better.It didn't-I feel like ****!But-they were so good about it-even though they use and drink.What the heck is up with that?Why?

But-I'm so tired of the lies.

I'm so effing tired.

I hope you can forgive me.I wanted you all to hate me.It would have been so much easier.It's what I'm used to.It's so much easier than trying to accept love-and that's all you've given me.I'm trying(oh-in so many ways eh?lol)So I'll just say this....

My name is Jules-(I'll ditch the Rose username if I can-I was hiding)I'm an alcoholic-and I hate that I am-but....I need you.I do.And....I'm sorry.I'm really sorry......

You don't have to be nice to me-I just put you all through something awful.I was a princess(Rowan-you knew....lol) and-I just feel so guilty.But-I know who I am.It's me.Jules.Idiot-sometimes funny-sometimes humble-often an ass....I know..

Jules-more than a little mortified at her recent behaviour....

Dee74

You're a class act Jules. I'm so damn proud of you.

D

Jules62

Will you please stop being nice to me?It just kills me.

But-thank you-so much.

Jules xox

angie9

hey Jules you cant get us to hate you youve become a friend to me and people here I hope you still post here and yes I have times when I hate refering myself as a alkie and I really hate when I have my close friends and people round me say "we are so proud of you ang your doing well,
coz sometimes theres a small part of me that thinks **** I dont want to do well I want my friggin grog then I remember vomiting down the loo being so spaced out that my kids where running riot round the house and with deep shame when my youngest was playing in the rubbish or the times when I would drive down the road after having one bottle to get another bottle of wine! the waking up the next morning so bloody sick and sore that you wish you could stay in bed but couldnt!. I deal now with things and yes I have bad days I think thats going to be for ever but somehow my feeble wee brain has risen up and is learning to ignore that dam alkie voice. I do hope you keep posting as I love reading your posts you have a way with words
take care
Ang

Dee74

CarolD

Hi Jules....Welcome!

If you want to change your name for certain.
Please PM either Annna or me.

This thread can also be deleted by us.

I am so pleased to see you are staying
with us and I look forward to seeing you
in our Alcoholism Forum.

Side by side..We can and do recover

Jules62

Ang-do you know-whether you mean to or not-I always manage to smile at your posts?

There is something so wonderfully honest about the way you write.You are an absolute gem in your rawness and ability to tell your truth.I so admire that.thank you.so much.You help me more than you know.

Jules xox

stone

hey Jules, want me to insult ya!

hmm...too soon for teasing? I didnt mean it when I called you a snob. I am proud of you for coming back here.

Know what? I am so ******* sick of being an alkie! Sick of it! I understand how you feel, we all do.

((((Jules))))

Jules62

Stone-LMAO-please-it'll make me feel better!



Love and hugs,

Jules xox

angie9

thanks Jules :0) tho Ive always had a habbit of telling everyone my life history I drive my husband nuts who I might ad is at his work having drinks SWINE!!! I dunno I can rabbit on endlessly about me and my short comings lol. I feel pretty good tonight had a few bad days the last few days tho which really hacked me off!! It got me down and now Im wondering weather hormones can play a part at certain times when you feel more prone to wanting very much to drink? also being a bit stressed thanks to good ol IRD we are unfortunately on first name basis made a BIG mistake with our taxes *sigh*
Ang

stone

Cant think of anything sorry-you fkn rock hun, I mean it.

nogard

hey Jules you brought me to tears, can you make me laff as well.

Glad your here.

Kevin

Rusty Zipper

jules62... theres always a seat on the bus...

just watch that first step... it can be a doozy at times...

all good wishes, xxoo, rz

Rowan

Welcome back Princess Pissy-Pants!!!!!!

You performed sober! Who would have thought?? In your corner always!

Jules62

You guys/girls just make me want to cry.......

I will always get on the bus now Rusty-that you even thought of me?Thank you....

I have to share this-as briefly as my verbose self can....

I was backstage at the comedy club tonight-feeling scared-first gig sober-and everyone was offering me everything-I mean-everything-free drinks, coke, E.....

I said no-and you know who I was thinking of?And I HATED this....

All of you-I thought of Chiy, I thought of Rowan...I thought of Steph and angie and Dee and Back to black(how is she I wonder?) and hope who was always so kind to me....and Carol and..... god.....too many to name...stone...and you know what?It all happened so fast-but I felt this enormous connection to all of you and I just COULDNT let you down-even though I'd said goodbye....I couldn't.

You're as real to me as anyone else here in my offline life-because-you're just like me-all of you.And I tried to turn my back on you-and ultimately myself....but I won't.

I have such a heart for you all-regardless of what I've tried to deny.Again-I'm sorry.

I don't want this thread deleted.I want to be able to find it again whenever my idiot alcoholic voice takes over-so I can remind myself how stupid I can be sometimes.And that-there is always hope-and love-somewhere-waiting for me.

Thank you all...

Jules xox

Jules62

Rowan?

LMAO

Love you!

Jules xox(PP)

Dee74

Good. Now stop beating yourself up. that's an order.
Some of us are trying to sleep

D