barb dwyer

Mark - I can't BELIEVE you knew about the pineaple 'surplus' salsa!!!!

and it IS fab on ckx! (waitress talk for chicken)
mind you -
I haven't been a waitress,
I just have a good inside 'connection' in the industry.

FOTF !!

Hope the meeting thing went well.
You can keep the smokes.
You might need to start a fire or something.
I'm good.
*g*

about the walking thing - no can do.
Not like YOU do, anyhow.
as Rowan kinda hinted at -
I've a long history with horses.
And the various injuries that go with said long history.

There's almost no pleasure in walking for me.
Not like that.

I've decided that it's a God thing that Rowan and I didn't meet up while we were both drinking. We're TOOOOoooo much alike.
Rowan - LOL (dad flossing after popcorn)

barb dwyer

rusty ... did you just ... MOON me?

AAFreeportPA

Hello Row.

I'm now back from the meeting. It was a speaker meeting a few miles away from where I live. And getting back to meetings is an eye-opener. I never realized how much I missed in terms of good company.

My next Step is to ask my ride if he's willing to be my sponsor. We hit it off great and talked quite a bit both on the way to and from the meeting. I've also met some people but forgot to bring a black book to keep track of numbers. Just a defect that I'll remedy the next time.

I'm inspired and feel good and just hope that pink cloud doesn't evaporate into despair. I needed that hit of ESH. It's nice knowing that the universe doesn't revolve around me. That everyone has crises and problems from time to time. It's part of the territory of being human. It's all the more challenging when one is a Alcoholic struggling to get back into life.

Thank you all for reading. I'll post more.

Yours in Recovery, Mark B.

Rowan

Ahhh .. so glad the experience was a positive one, Mark. I'm feeling inspired. Thanks.

AAFreeportPA

And that's why we're here: To share that ESH with each other and Recover.

It's a beautiful God-given day today. I just got some yardwork done. Before that I got a ride to Wally World and obtained some grapefruit juice and other staples. I even got my cheapie prepaid cell phone. So while doing yardwork it was charging. Now it's activated so if anyone of youse regulars wants the number for it feel free to PM me. I'll share.

Right now it has a couple AA contact numbers in it. I hope to have it filled pretty soon.

Yours in Recovery, Mark B.

Rowan

So you made good and got the phone - awesome!

So - Wally World IS Wal-Mart then? Neat! We have several of those here in Canananada

AAFreeportPA

I like the TracFone because I can have it on me anywhere and it's cheap for prepaid phone time. And I like having a phone number not tied to my landline. There are a bunch of wackos out there and I certainly don't like the idea of someone tracing my number to my residence.

But I especially like the idea of talking with others who would understand during my walking lunch breaks.

My next task is to create my own business cards on my 'puter advertising my number. And yes it will have my photo on them, too. It's easier for me to hand out a card rather than jot down and give away my phone number. Plus I like the professional aspect of that.

Oh yes. It's turning out to be pretty much the one-stop-shop for my living needs. Well, except for the clothes. I need to buy some new threads. And, if you like country music, you can get Garth Brooks CD's at great prices there, too.

Speaking of how I dress, I'm use to dressing somewhere between casual and professional. When I attended the meeting today everyone thought I was the lead. And, since I have a few years of Sober Time, I wound up with an offer to do a lead.

Now I don't know about any of you but that prospect at this time is slightly intimidating to me. I did do a reading for the meeting and I just realized that my public speaking skills need work. I'm still a little shy and need to learn to be comfortable in my own skin. i still have to overcome my mild stagefright which has always been a problem with me since I was a kid.

So it's like I'm learning to be sociable for once in my life. Maybe I can try to do a quick Q&A session on camera and present that online for download to see how it goes. Which means if anyone has any questions about me I can answer them and try to work them into a lead-type piece.

There are some social functions coming up within the Fellowship here. I'm looking forward to them so that I can get back into the fray and work some real Recovery. After all, no one can do this alone. And if anyone can my hat is off to such individuals.

I'm just another AA from Freeport, PA: Just another Alcoholic getting honest with himself and others.

I'll pass for now.

Yours in Recovery, Mark B.

Fluttering

Stay connected..together we are strong and will get thru the rough spots

Rusty Zipper

mark nor me...

good wishes with that sponser mark...

was yap'n with a pidgon bro of mine tonight...

there was a young kid, about 16 or 17, with a older lady... maybe his mom...

my bro said, i might go talk to him... i looked at bro and said, hey, maybe the kids here to support the lady?... bro looked at me with a puzzled look... i said, remember, theres this way, that way, and big foots way... big foots our sponser... we laughed...


hey, BD.... (_|_)

barb dwyer

*gasp*

Rusty!

you cad !!!

you DID moon me!!

barb dwyer

Mark -

Glad the meeting went well for ya. And that you might be picking up an new sponsor.
Welcome back to the road of happy destiny.

Bake yerself a cake or something.

A pineapple salsa cake.

With chips. And vinegar.

AAFreeportPA

Good to be back. Where this will take me I don't know. But I'm sure it's better than where I was. Ken's a good man. I've talked to him last night on the phone. I may just call him again to see what's going on and to share what I've been up to.

As for the cake I stay away from a lot of sweets. I'm not much of a junk food person anymore. Besides I like the fact that I'm getting exercise, increasing my metabolism, stamina and energy levels (which I'm sure I'll need if I find a stable SO in my New Life) and losing weight. I still appreciate the thought, though.

Maybe some broiled chicken with that salsa. Mmmmmmmmm....with a nice big side salad with an Italian vinaigrette.

And a big glass of grapefruit juice.

Yours in Recovery, Mark B.

AAFreeportPA

Me and my family just went out to do a whole bunch of grocery shopping. For myself I had to pick up some essentials at Wally World to organize some things in my room.

I bought a little craft project for myself. I bought a DVD stand. The craft part is that it needs assembled so I'll be doing that. I'll post a picture here when it's completed and stocked with my DVDs.

(And yes I have "My Name Is Bill W." on DVD.)

I'll give my sponsor a call today or tonight. Last night I had to respond to an E-mail from my friend in Florida. I pray for the strength that I can be as totally honest with her about my situation and I pray that she understands. She'll be visiting her friends and family in November and I hope she visits me.

Anyhow, my vacation week is going well so far. There's some uncertainty but I'm sure it all will work itself out. I'm not drinking Just For Today.

Yours in Recovery, Mark B.

Rusty Zipper

mark, your a smart guy... no problem put'n the cart together... suggestion... read the directions...

good night my friend...

xxoo, rz

AAFreeportPA

I like putting things together and solving puzzles independently. The DVD tower turned out will. For how cheap it was it didn't turn out bad at all. I may buy a second one for the rest of 'em.

Tonight me and my friend in Florida were nearly exchanging E-mail and photos in real time. It's nice to talk to a familiar friend. I did have to miss out on a meeting because of that but some things in life are far more important. Or, in this case, someone who I'm beginning to love.

She understands me and knows me better than I thought. And made her feel much better about life in general. Where this relationship goes is ultimately up to us. As in me and my friend in Florida.

Some may say that may put my Recovery at risk. And it's here where I have to realize that that moment, that leap of faith, is coming up. The more I share with her the more I go forward in making that leap. And I wouldn't be surprised if many before have made that leap and, unbeknownst to those within the Fellowship, have achieved success.

And that's when it occurred to me: A crossroads within life itself where I have to either choose between either being someone who is constantly recovering or someone who can close that sad chapter of my life once and for all and move on as someone who simply lives life one lifetime at a time: As someone who has learned to trust their own moral compass and never drink again, fully knowing where that drink leads to.

I'm neither stupid nor am I confused. I knew what I wanted but couldn't quite put my finger upon it until recently. While I appreciate the Fellowship for giving me something, that is to learn how to be comfortable in my own skin and how to communicate better, I also realize that I may be putting off some people in Recovery with the notion that there will come a time where my leave from the Fellowship will be permanent.

Not because of death or illness, mind you. But where I want to devote my life to a significant other who is in no way connected with the Fellowship. Someone who knows me and and trusts me as a human being, warts and all. And someone who can trust my own integrity even when life's various crises and challenges occur.

That's the funny thing. I quit drinking and slowly found my old self slipping away. In the wake of that absence is the development of my own sense of right and wrong: My own moral compass. After all, if I can't trust myself to make that decision to be a good and honest person then certainly no one else should trust me.

I appreciate the support of the SR community and for allowing me to have a quasi-journal here for immediate feedback. For once I have hope and that's all that counts.

I'll write more, of course.

Yours in Recovery, Mark B.

AAFreeportPA

I just have more thoughts about what I wrote last night. I don't want to leave the impression that I'm pushing anyone here away. You all have been very supportive and it's nice to have that extended circle of friends.

I never really had many friends in my life so this is also new to me. The best I can do on this forum is to just express myself to the best of my own ability. I'd rather have it all out rather than hiding anything from anyone here.

My friend in Florida knows and she told me that the crises in my life don't change anything. That she will be there for me despite the physical distance between us. But I do know there's a bond that transcends that. And I've felt that.

Maybe it was that I was hurt by someone who used me sexually in The Program so that they could find cold chemical pleasure instead of warm human companionship. And when that relationship ended I realized I never really had that bond. That even my own lust binded me to the painfully obvious.

It was that which led for me to become all the more cynical about The Program. And it became the driving force that left me to wander in the wilderness for a couple of years before returning.

Don't get me wrong. Being in the wilderness, so to speak, was an interesting exploration as well. I got to see things outside that pose as Recovery but were not Recovery. I've met people who have allowed that cynicism to go too far and rule their own lives. A few of them have wound up stark raving mad in that limbo: They're not drinking/using but always attacking others who have faith to take a chance, no matter how unconventional that chance may be.

I don't talk too much about that because I have chosen that this will be the only detailed mention of those Outside Issues. And when I state that phrase, Outside Issues, I hope that there will be many here who can understand why they're kept out of one's Recovery.

I'm here now, filled with hope, optimism and keeping those Outside Issues at bay from influencing the decisions I make Today. That's all that matters.

I thank you all for reading. I enjoy writing. Thanks for being here Today.

Yours in Recovery, Mark B.

Rusty Zipper

mark my friend... its your recovery, just keep doing what works...

you are a good writer...

mark thats huge stuff mark... a work in progress

xxoo, rz

AAFreeportPA

I'm still plugging away and uncovered a little but of uncertainty concerning my budding relationship with my friend in Florida. I do want it to work out in every possible way. And yet I feel driven to cover the bases by keeping my options open in case it doesn't work out.

It's not that I'm a romantic. I'm more of a cynic. I have been in numerous relationships in which I essentially was used for only pleasure and nothing more. A walking dildo with a live human attached, so to speak. The next-to-last relationship I had was the most brutal since I thought the connection was there and the heartbreak was the worst (she eventually got married to her boyfriend, using me on the side for her flings). Afterwards I endured my worst binges, trying to find that pleasure and attempting to drown that heartbreak but falling disastrously short each time.

My drinking had the opposite effect: It prolonged the heartbreak. Instead of me coming to my senses and moving on I simply used that as the big excuse to binge.

Not I'm entering a strange new world where I don't have the booze anymore. And, coming from those bad relationships, I am tempted to play the field even before this current budding relationship fails. Or what if it doesn't?

And that's where the uncertainty creeps in.

If anything I can never be angry with her or cheat on her. I've known enough women who came into and out of my life who didn't mind cheating on their SO and had a fling or two with me. And I can never do that with someone I truly care about and want to be monogamous with.

Since I was a drunk at the time I was driven by any pleasure. I never thought of the consequences much the the newfound morality and place in life I've found myself as of late. So, if she wants to go through with this then I'm dedicated to her 100%. And while I don't mind flirting, while fun and harmless in and of itself, I don't want to give the wrong ideas.

But I don't mind the companionship, either. And it's something I look forward to yet the waiting for that day in November is testing my own patience. And maybe that's the thing: I still want to make people feel good but for the right reasons. And even to keep my options open as insurance.

That's just me: Someone who always wants to give now. But I have to learn to take the uncertainty as well for what it is.

Yours in Recovery, Mark B.

AAFreeportPA

Thank you. I try not to disappoint. Especially today when I felt that disappointment of a small hope dashed. My friend in Florida got cold feet and doesn't want to rush into anything.

While I'm a little miffed that I hoped for a relationship with her I realize that she may not be ready. And so I don't want to rush into anything.

So I'm feeling a little lonely on this holiday. I may hike into town to watch the fireworks. But it's not the same when you really have no one close to share that magic with. Or I might get more involved in my own multimedia projects. There's always something to do so I don't get bored easily.

I'm still a bit apprehensive in calling my ride/sponsor-to-be. I don't want him to get the wrong idea but I need to meet other people. It's difficult for me to express myself face-to-face as opposed to my writing. I'm still not too comfortable about my own speaking voice and I'm still a little afraid of going out in public.

It's not so much as isolation but I really enjoy writing. I'm more comfortable expressing myself via the written word. I can take that time to express myself and whatever idea I wish to convey without fear of someone misreading my tone of voice. And, the way I've been writing this week, I'm not afraid of getting those thoughts and feelings out here.

I can do more with the context in my own writings. I am not afraid to say something which may offend someone. I've learned that as long as it's true and not written out of malice then I'll by far attract more who would read and understand.

Maybe what I'm looking for in a relationship is for someone who can be an intellectual rival. Someone who can write just as well (or better) and express themselves just as clearly. My friend in Florida isn't much of a writer who treats E-mail as a disposable commodity like IRC chat (and just as shallow, too). E-mail and other longer forms of communication is where I excel. Sending chat via E-mail (chat-mail?) is just a waste of the medium's communication potential.

She doesn't want to rush into anything and I understand that. I just don't want to be disappointed when things don't work out. I think I may put her off with how I can fully express myself. But I do know that spark of hope is there so I'll keep a place in my thoughts open for her.

In the meantime I'll still communicate and reach out. Maybe there is someone else or maybe there isn't. Maybe that person was there all of the time and I just failed to notice them. And, above anything else, I'd rather give attention and affection rather than receive it. I have always gave of myself no matter what. The company was the payoff; of not being alone any longer.

So I reluctantly move on with the hope that she'll change her mind before it's too late and I find a new relationship.

Yours in Recovery, Mark B.

Fluttering

Hey Maek
It is ok to be cautious...But stay in the moment...Otherwise you might miss the little things...Miracelw come in all sizes/

What i heard at a meeitn was:
1) We make plans..we do not plan the results
2) God is either everything or he is nothing..so the question is..where is your faith?
if it is in God...you are protectedd
and
3) It is ok to hope...But do not get your head so high in the clouds that you forget to keep your feet on the ground.

Being in the presious precious present is an awesome expoereince...Don't miss it by projecting ouit too far in the futhere or be clouded by fears...She is not the person that hurt you...be sure you see her for who she is...not the person in your past and in your fears