I need your company
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 1,622
Hi Loves.
I have been struggling quite badly. I managed to drag my sorry bottom back into AA yesterday and haven't had a drink for two days.
What a useless waste of oxygen I am. I just can't seem to get it. I keep getting to 30 or 40 days and kapow - something painful puts me into self pity and I push away everthing I put carefully in place so as to not drink and I end up getting trashed again.
It has been a very miserable week for me and I don't want to talk about it yet and I have no idea how to fix it. All I know is that I have a plan today to not drink and I think I can make it. The rest - relationships, life, work, money - is all too hard. I can't work out how to make it better just now.
Your thoughts and prayers must have worked cos I am still alive. My body is not in good shape again. I am scared I may need to go into rehab or something. I can't imagine how I will be able to organise something like that or manage the job, care of children etc.
Blargh
Big love and hugs to SR.
I have been struggling quite badly. I managed to drag my sorry bottom back into AA yesterday and haven't had a drink for two days.
What a useless waste of oxygen I am. I just can't seem to get it. I keep getting to 30 or 40 days and kapow - something painful puts me into self pity and I push away everthing I put carefully in place so as to not drink and I end up getting trashed again.
It has been a very miserable week for me and I don't want to talk about it yet and I have no idea how to fix it. All I know is that I have a plan today to not drink and I think I can make it. The rest - relationships, life, work, money - is all too hard. I can't work out how to make it better just now.
Your thoughts and prayers must have worked cos I am still alive. My body is not in good shape again. I am scared I may need to go into rehab or something. I can't imagine how I will be able to organise something like that or manage the job, care of children etc.
Blargh
Big love and hugs to SR.
I pulled off your wings ...
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: United Kingdom (Im already there in mind)
Posts: 475
What a useless waste of oxygen I am.
No your not................ your brave....
We all fall.... hell I fell today
2 years of not harming myself down the toliet....
But im learning im only human ... im not divine
We make mistakes.... and you understand that
So you draw from it
Im here for you friend
No your not................ your brave....
We all fall.... hell I fell today
2 years of not harming myself down the toliet....
But im learning im only human ... im not divine
We make mistakes.... and you understand that
So you draw from it
Im here for you friend
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,481
the important thing to do is get up again Steph...and if I ever hear you call yourself a useless waste of Oxygen again I will personally fly to Wellington and kick you fair in the...shin 
D
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 1,622
Thanks Numb. Sorry to hear you are struggling too.
I still don't know how to deal with the pain that comes with being sober nor how to get myself out of painful situations properly. When I do, I go too far and end up completely alone cos I don't trust anyone. That hurts too. My boundaries are blurred and my emotional maturity is - well - non existant.
My private life is very messy and I am still in denial about the extent of it. I just keep hoping it will turn out ok despite huge flashing neon evidence that it won't be. I try to keep the "peace" and status quo because I don't know how to go through the pain of a breakup without drinking and I am so scared to drink. But then I drink cos the relationship is so bad and painful. So then when I drink, I can't end the relationship cos I am a hopeless drunk unable to be strong.
The thing is that I am finding breaking up with someone I work with impossible. I am thinking of leaving my job and moving.
I know what is the right thing to do. I know it is right to end my relationship. I try to do that and then I see him at work every day and we end up in so much pain from that that we try to find a way to keep together. And so the cycle continues. It's a total mess.
I nearly had it sorted out when I decided I needed to fire him for drinking at work 5 weeks ago. Then I go and ask him if he will go to AA instead. I expected him to say no but he said yes. He did well for a while but now he has gone back to drinking and it won't be long till he drinks and then comes back to work. I guess I will fire him then and the AA option has already been used up.
O joy.
I still don't know how to deal with the pain that comes with being sober nor how to get myself out of painful situations properly. When I do, I go too far and end up completely alone cos I don't trust anyone. That hurts too. My boundaries are blurred and my emotional maturity is - well - non existant.
My private life is very messy and I am still in denial about the extent of it. I just keep hoping it will turn out ok despite huge flashing neon evidence that it won't be. I try to keep the "peace" and status quo because I don't know how to go through the pain of a breakup without drinking and I am so scared to drink. But then I drink cos the relationship is so bad and painful. So then when I drink, I can't end the relationship cos I am a hopeless drunk unable to be strong.
The thing is that I am finding breaking up with someone I work with impossible. I am thinking of leaving my job and moving.
I know what is the right thing to do. I know it is right to end my relationship. I try to do that and then I see him at work every day and we end up in so much pain from that that we try to find a way to keep together. And so the cycle continues. It's a total mess.
I nearly had it sorted out when I decided I needed to fire him for drinking at work 5 weeks ago. Then I go and ask him if he will go to AA instead. I expected him to say no but he said yes. He did well for a while but now he has gone back to drinking and it won't be long till he drinks and then comes back to work. I guess I will fire him then and the AA option has already been used up.
O joy.
I pulled off your wings ...
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: United Kingdom (Im already there in mind)
Posts: 475
You poor thing... Im so sorry about all your struggles...
Its hard when you have someone you just cant let go... its like you muck up the courage to do it and then something happens and your still with them ,,,,makes it 10 times harder then
Dont you leave your job because of it though....
Do what you said ...let him go both from the job and your life
Its hard when you have someone you just cant let go... its like you muck up the courage to do it and then something happens and your still with them ,,,,makes it 10 times harder then
Dont you leave your job because of it though....
Do what you said ...let him go both from the job and your life
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,481
I'm sorry Steph. I wish I had some advice. Actually I do. Try and work out what's more important - drinking and feeling normal, or not drinking; not drinking or relationship....you get the idea.
You can't fight this battle with one hand, mate.
love ya
D
You can't fight this battle with one hand, mate.
love ya
D
not a greeter
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: padmasana
Posts: 13,927
You, your children,your job and your sobriety are the most important things Steph. If it's inevitable he'll be fired so be it. That removes him from the job situation. Is there no one else to do the actual firing though?
As for your personal relationship, I'm in no position to really judge or give advice but I do understand your pain and difficulty letting go.
As for your personal relationship, I'm in no position to really judge or give advice but I do understand your pain and difficulty letting go.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Posts: 12,136
Steph, in sobriety, I ended up relapsing on booze twice when relationships ended. And then we may or may not get back together. I didn't know how to stop this cycle.
Then nearly two years ago, I had a major fight with my then-boyfriend - he left after a vicious argument, I opened a bottle (had been given to me by my bank as a present for taking out a mortgage with them - I thought I could 'give it away'), and it sat, opened, on the counter. Suddenly I was blind with rage. I picked up the phone and yelled at him, 'you are so not worth losing my sobriety' - and I tipped it out.
Now - we stayed together for a time, but it never really worked. It finally ended, and not very long ago. I haven't wanted to drink this time.
Try not to get ahead of yourself re moving, changing jobs, rehab, etc. Just get yourself back into the meetings, start connecting with others in sobriety, and don't drink. I wouldn't move or change jobs - if you can terminate his employment for good reason, do so. And take care of you, and the kids.
I know you're disappointed in yourself, but this really could be a new beginning, and a real opportunity for growth. Hang in there. This too shall pass.
Then nearly two years ago, I had a major fight with my then-boyfriend - he left after a vicious argument, I opened a bottle (had been given to me by my bank as a present for taking out a mortgage with them - I thought I could 'give it away'), and it sat, opened, on the counter. Suddenly I was blind with rage. I picked up the phone and yelled at him, 'you are so not worth losing my sobriety' - and I tipped it out.
Now - we stayed together for a time, but it never really worked. It finally ended, and not very long ago. I haven't wanted to drink this time.
Try not to get ahead of yourself re moving, changing jobs, rehab, etc. Just get yourself back into the meetings, start connecting with others in sobriety, and don't drink. I wouldn't move or change jobs - if you can terminate his employment for good reason, do so. And take care of you, and the kids.
I know you're disappointed in yourself, but this really could be a new beginning, and a real opportunity for growth. Hang in there. This too shall pass.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 1,622
Hi Gypsy. I lost my priorities. I don't know what happened. I was doing ok. I wonder if I panicked about doing step one. My step person said something I look back on and I wonder. He said that there was no going back now. I could never drink again after this. I signed a promise thing which made me feel a bit overwhelmed. I mean it's not like I want to drink again but....
So then the next day I am looking through the drawers of my ex at work. I mean what the hell? I wasn't doing that to find an order for a bunch of roses to be delivered to me on my birthday now was I?
Maybe pain lets me drink. Argh. I am so much more of a nutcase than you can even imagine.
Row - thanks so much for your kind words and advice. No big moves in reaction to things. I guess I am confused about what is a real decision and what is a reaction. I want more time before I am faced with the firing thing. I am disappointed in myself and embarrassed at my weakness. As usual, I decided that I had the answers and could cope with anything. I get this thing in my head that is blind to the danger. I feel fixed. You know?
Alla - you are so amazing. Am I making progress? Sometimes I feel like it's groundhog day. Your little words in the signature give me hope. xx
So then the next day I am looking through the drawers of my ex at work. I mean what the hell? I wasn't doing that to find an order for a bunch of roses to be delivered to me on my birthday now was I?
Maybe pain lets me drink. Argh. I am so much more of a nutcase than you can even imagine.
Row - thanks so much for your kind words and advice. No big moves in reaction to things. I guess I am confused about what is a real decision and what is a reaction. I want more time before I am faced with the firing thing. I am disappointed in myself and embarrassed at my weakness. As usual, I decided that I had the answers and could cope with anything. I get this thing in my head that is blind to the danger. I feel fixed. You know?
Alla - you are so amazing. Am I making progress? Sometimes I feel like it's groundhog day. Your little words in the signature give me hope. xx
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