unfriendly people in aa
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: greensboro, nc
Posts: 33
unfriendly people in aa
It seems like everytime I come here i'm whining about something. Sorry guys.
I have been going to meetings everynight after my last relapse. I continue to be told to get a sponsor. This has been my experience so far: after hearing a woman share in the meetings i decided that i would like for her to be my temporary sponsor so i got her number and called her several times one day and i couldn't get her on the phone so i left her a message and told her that i was interested in her being my sponsor and if she thouhgt this was something that she could do would she give me a call back, i have yet to hear from her and she let me know that she was home the day that i left the message, i think she let that slip because she looked really funny after she said that. there are other women in the group that i have spoken to and they never spoke back. there was another woman that was coming up the sidewalk and i waved at her and spoke and she turned her head and kept walking. i have gone over and over in my head what i could have done to cause this reaction and the only thing that i can come up with is that i don't hang around a lot after meetings because i have to get home to my kids.
i don't have this problem out of the men. they come up and introduce themselves and take the time to talk to me. i have always had an issue with women because every woman in my life has always hurt me terribly but this time i am actually putting forth an effort.
i heard another newcomer say that the people aren't very friendly in that meeting. it make me not want to go back. i didn't think this is what aa was all about. how do i get what i need if women won't even talk back to me?
I have been going to meetings everynight after my last relapse. I continue to be told to get a sponsor. This has been my experience so far: after hearing a woman share in the meetings i decided that i would like for her to be my temporary sponsor so i got her number and called her several times one day and i couldn't get her on the phone so i left her a message and told her that i was interested in her being my sponsor and if she thouhgt this was something that she could do would she give me a call back, i have yet to hear from her and she let me know that she was home the day that i left the message, i think she let that slip because she looked really funny after she said that. there are other women in the group that i have spoken to and they never spoke back. there was another woman that was coming up the sidewalk and i waved at her and spoke and she turned her head and kept walking. i have gone over and over in my head what i could have done to cause this reaction and the only thing that i can come up with is that i don't hang around a lot after meetings because i have to get home to my kids.
i don't have this problem out of the men. they come up and introduce themselves and take the time to talk to me. i have always had an issue with women because every woman in my life has always hurt me terribly but this time i am actually putting forth an effort.
i heard another newcomer say that the people aren't very friendly in that meeting. it make me not want to go back. i didn't think this is what aa was all about. how do i get what i need if women won't even talk back to me?
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,513
Hi Lifelong,
Well, I'm not an AA person so I can't offer sponsor advice.
But, I always had trouble in my relationships with women. I would think they were unfriendly, snobby, too busy or whatever to be bothered to spend time with me. I kept on meeting the same kind of women, who never had time to bother with me. Then, after I got sober, I soon met two fantastic wiomen who I connected with on a deep level. As time went on, I met more really great women. I realized that the problem was not with the women I had known earlier, it was with me. It was what I thought of myself, it was what I put out there, it was me. When I changed, the people I brought into my life were different too.
Well, I'm not an AA person so I can't offer sponsor advice.
But, I always had trouble in my relationships with women. I would think they were unfriendly, snobby, too busy or whatever to be bothered to spend time with me. I kept on meeting the same kind of women, who never had time to bother with me. Then, after I got sober, I soon met two fantastic wiomen who I connected with on a deep level. As time went on, I met more really great women. I realized that the problem was not with the women I had known earlier, it was with me. It was what I thought of myself, it was what I put out there, it was me. When I changed, the people I brought into my life were different too.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: greensboro, nc
Posts: 33
that's just it, i know that the problem is with me but i can't figure out what i'm doing or not doing. i guess i need to take a good look at me. i have figured out that all these women are different people, some of them don't even know each other and the only common thing is me so that would have to make me the problem right?
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,513
Well, I think that's for you to decide.
For me, it was simply and basically not liking myself and that's what was coming from me, unintentionally, but it was. I had to change my attitude about myself, which was very hard, and my attitude about life. Basically, I needed to find a positive outlook and it changed my life.
For me, it was simply and basically not liking myself and that's what was coming from me, unintentionally, but it was. I had to change my attitude about myself, which was very hard, and my attitude about life. Basically, I needed to find a positive outlook and it changed my life.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Murfreesboro, TN
Posts: 595
Lifelong,
While the problem might be related to your attitude, I find it sad that these women don't seem to give you the time of day. I found in my experience with different AA groups that some groups develop a personality. Some people form "clicks" within the group. Many of the women in the group I used to go to banded together and ended up running off newcomers who didn't "fit in." It's a sad reality, but some folks in AA act just like they do when they're outside the rooms of AA. Just as in the real world, AA is made up of all kinds of people and some forget what they are there for.
You do have other options. Hopefully there are other groups where you live that you could try. Where I live there are two main groups. They each have a different personality. Please always remember that AA groups are made up of people who are at all different stages of sobriety.
I believe that 51 has given you some great advice. Checking yourself first and the motives that drive you is a great place to start. It might be wise to read pages 86-88 of the Big Book. This helps us review our behavior with God's help.
I know you'll find a sponsor that you'll be very comfortable with. It just takes time.
My best,
Ed
While the problem might be related to your attitude, I find it sad that these women don't seem to give you the time of day. I found in my experience with different AA groups that some groups develop a personality. Some people form "clicks" within the group. Many of the women in the group I used to go to banded together and ended up running off newcomers who didn't "fit in." It's a sad reality, but some folks in AA act just like they do when they're outside the rooms of AA. Just as in the real world, AA is made up of all kinds of people and some forget what they are there for.
You do have other options. Hopefully there are other groups where you live that you could try. Where I live there are two main groups. They each have a different personality. Please always remember that AA groups are made up of people who are at all different stages of sobriety.
I believe that 51 has given you some great advice. Checking yourself first and the motives that drive you is a great place to start. It might be wise to read pages 86-88 of the Big Book. This helps us review our behavior with God's help.
I know you'll find a sponsor that you'll be very comfortable with. It just takes time.
My best,
Ed
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Cleveland Ohio
Posts: 290
I happened to go to a really great AA meeting my first time... the people there are great. There is a really good mix of people just starting... people working the steps... and long to sober folks working the steps again and again...
The old timers make a point to welcome new folks and the atmosphere is really warm and inviting... you really get the sense that they want you to come back...
That being said... in my quest to find a sponsor I hit a bunch of different meetings at different locations... and most of them really turned me off... I didn't feel welcomed and I didn't want to go back... I know part of it was that I was expecting too much... but on the other hand early on... you realy do need to connect... so folk here are correct that perhaps they aren't the problem you are... but like I said it is important for you to find a place you feel safe... a place you feel welcomed... so that you can start working on you... and they can help you... they being the group... and they being a sponsor...
So my advice is hit a couple other meetings... you might find one that you like...
When I expressed my my angst with repect to these other meetings to my wife... she said... "you have to kiss a few frogs to find your prince..." I said ... I am not looking for a prince... and we had a good laugh...
GL and may your find what you are looking for...
The old timers make a point to welcome new folks and the atmosphere is really warm and inviting... you really get the sense that they want you to come back...
That being said... in my quest to find a sponsor I hit a bunch of different meetings at different locations... and most of them really turned me off... I didn't feel welcomed and I didn't want to go back... I know part of it was that I was expecting too much... but on the other hand early on... you realy do need to connect... so folk here are correct that perhaps they aren't the problem you are... but like I said it is important for you to find a place you feel safe... a place you feel welcomed... so that you can start working on you... and they can help you... they being the group... and they being a sponsor...
So my advice is hit a couple other meetings... you might find one that you like...
When I expressed my my angst with repect to these other meetings to my wife... she said... "you have to kiss a few frogs to find your prince..." I said ... I am not looking for a prince... and we had a good laugh...
GL and may your find what you are looking for...
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Mega Hugs
Before you get a sponsor look for
"Questions and Answers on Sponsorship"
it is usally on the free literature rack.
You might want to try a Womens Meeting
to get more comfortable with females.
Blessings
Before you get a sponsor look for
"Questions and Answers on Sponsorship"
it is usally on the free literature rack.
You might want to try a Womens Meeting
to get more comfortable with females.
Blessings
Member
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Southern Oregon
Posts: 1,768
Hi Lifey!! 
Ya know, I wouldn't sweat it. Just keep going to different meetings until you have found the ones that you really love going to. They really are out there, promise!! I think what golfman said about the "clicks" (groups of people that hang out together like it's their own little "club") is so true. Well if you ask me, those kinds of people who dont welcome others like they SHOULD 'want' to just need to grow up period! I think it $ucks eggs that you are one of the (probably MANY) people that these people have done this to.
Just shake it off and go to a different meeting on that night. Kapeach?
I know one thing, you sure are welcome here and if I could give you a big hug right now thats what you would be getting!!!! With that said, here's a big ole cyber hug from all of us!!......Hang in there!!
Ya know, I wouldn't sweat it. Just keep going to different meetings until you have found the ones that you really love going to. They really are out there, promise!! I think what golfman said about the "clicks" (groups of people that hang out together like it's their own little "club") is so true. Well if you ask me, those kinds of people who dont welcome others like they SHOULD 'want' to just need to grow up period! I think it $ucks eggs that you are one of the (probably MANY) people that these people have done this to.
Just shake it off and go to a different meeting on that night. Kapeach?
I know one thing, you sure are welcome here and if I could give you a big hug right now thats what you would be getting!!!! With that said, here's a big ole cyber hug from all of us!!......Hang in there!!
Last edited by teej; 03-06-2007 at 09:25 AM.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: MA.
Posts: 1,719
Hello Lifey,
When I was drinking, I didn't have any self esteem. Going to meetings was difficult at first. Like others have said seek out other meetings and work on yourself.
We are happy you are here! Keep posting.
When I was drinking, I didn't have any self esteem. Going to meetings was difficult at first. Like others have said seek out other meetings and work on yourself.
We are happy you are here! Keep posting.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Asheville, NC
Posts: 24
I wouldn't be too hard on yourself; I think what you're experiencing is pretty common.
I found at my previous home group that in addition to the cliques, there were two factions of people: the "tough love" crowd who were rude to people who came for help and weren't at rock-bottom, and the group who embraced anyone who came through the doors and were happy to help. The tough love crowd drove me crazy, and eventually drove me off. I also went to meetings daily, and had to leave immediately afterwards because of work. After a while, some of that crowd would speak in meetings and say "faith without works is BS"...and look straight at me. They'd go on about how people that came to meetings but didn't clean the ash trays, make coffee, or hang around afterwards were bound to fail, and made me feel very unwelcome. I didn't need the guilt and judgement, so I stopped going. But I didn't let it get to me; they don't know me, and my business is my business. I started going to different meetings, and actually found it to be the same, so I just stopped going altogether unless I really need one. I always get something out of meetings, and I'm there for my sobriety, not to please everyone.
Anyway, no real point, but I'd keep your chin up, and stay focused. I'll bet it's nothing you did or anything personal...it's just how some people are, especially in recovery.
I found at my previous home group that in addition to the cliques, there were two factions of people: the "tough love" crowd who were rude to people who came for help and weren't at rock-bottom, and the group who embraced anyone who came through the doors and were happy to help. The tough love crowd drove me crazy, and eventually drove me off. I also went to meetings daily, and had to leave immediately afterwards because of work. After a while, some of that crowd would speak in meetings and say "faith without works is BS"...and look straight at me. They'd go on about how people that came to meetings but didn't clean the ash trays, make coffee, or hang around afterwards were bound to fail, and made me feel very unwelcome. I didn't need the guilt and judgement, so I stopped going. But I didn't let it get to me; they don't know me, and my business is my business. I started going to different meetings, and actually found it to be the same, so I just stopped going altogether unless I really need one. I always get something out of meetings, and I'm there for my sobriety, not to please everyone.
Anyway, no real point, but I'd keep your chin up, and stay focused. I'll bet it's nothing you did or anything personal...it's just how some people are, especially in recovery.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 1,622
Here is my view and it might not be the same as yours so, as with anything I write, just ignore me if it doesn't make sense for you.
I go to meetings to stay alive. If people don't click with me I don't care cos that isn't the aim of being there for me. My aim is so simple. I want to stay sober and live. I use AA as one tool to achieve that aim. I have no more expectations of it than that. People have told me that it works so I'm giving it a go. If something nice comes out of it then that is just icing on the cake for me.
Us women can be our own worst enemies. I read an article recently about how the biggest barrier to womens' careers is other women! Seems to me that people only behave like that when they are scared of something or threatened in some way. It sounds like it is their problem - not yours. Are they embarrassed? Maybe they are scared that their anonymity will be at risk. Who knows? Who cares? Stick with us instead.
xx
I go to meetings to stay alive. If people don't click with me I don't care cos that isn't the aim of being there for me. My aim is so simple. I want to stay sober and live. I use AA as one tool to achieve that aim. I have no more expectations of it than that. People have told me that it works so I'm giving it a go. If something nice comes out of it then that is just icing on the cake for me.
Us women can be our own worst enemies. I read an article recently about how the biggest barrier to womens' careers is other women! Seems to me that people only behave like that when they are scared of something or threatened in some way. It sounds like it is their problem - not yours. Are they embarrassed? Maybe they are scared that their anonymity will be at risk. Who knows? Who cares? Stick with us instead.
xx
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
hey Lifelong -
I lived for a while in Mooresville ... there's probably a ton of meetings to 'shop' for your 'home' group. You'll know it when you find it. Good luck to ya, and I'm with Dubz ... I'm going there to save my own life ... all that other stuff just has to get in line after that simple fact.
barb
I lived for a while in Mooresville ... there's probably a ton of meetings to 'shop' for your 'home' group. You'll know it when you find it. Good luck to ya, and I'm with Dubz ... I'm going there to save my own life ... all that other stuff just has to get in line after that simple fact.
barb
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