New, Yet Ambivalent
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: San Francisco, California
Posts: 2
Ambivalent
I just found this website. This is the first thread I've read and my first post. I don't know if it's ok for me to be here, because I'm still drinking. And I can't honestly say I want to quit. But I can honestly say that drinking is really bad for me and I really can't control it. Only once in a very long while am I able to resist the craving when it arises. One thing that is really almost too painful for me to face is all that I have lost and the fact that maybe my drinking was responsible for the losses. I'm afraid if I quit drinking, when the fog clears, that pain and regret would be unbearable.
I don't know if I ever had a blackout. One time I was at a party drinking, someone else drove home and I don't remember getting into the car or out of the car and into my house. I suppose I just slept the whole way. I don't know if that counts as a blackout, but I thought it might. It scared me. But I didn't quit drinking. It hasn't happened since, it's been a few years.
The only thing that controls my drinking at all is how bad I feel next day. I''m on several psych meds and I know they magnify the toxicity of alcohol on my system. Sometimes I can't work. Well, I could, but I have a really responsible position and I can't risk being fuzzy. So if I have a really bad day (like yesterday, and again today) it usually makes me slow down for awhile. Sometimes long enough to start feeling really good. My therapist always tells me drinking is the worst thing for my depression. Exercise would be the best. But you can't exercise if you're drunk or hungover, can you?
I don't know how to help myself, because of the feeling that I don't really want to quit drinking, I love it too much. And I can't get around the higher power step. The only higher power I could believe in is Nature, and I don't believe Hurrican Katrina could help me with recovery. I wish there was some way I could start from this point where I am right now and start getting better. It's like I have to get so much better before I can even begin to get better that I lose hope.
I don't know if I ever had a blackout. One time I was at a party drinking, someone else drove home and I don't remember getting into the car or out of the car and into my house. I suppose I just slept the whole way. I don't know if that counts as a blackout, but I thought it might. It scared me. But I didn't quit drinking. It hasn't happened since, it's been a few years.
The only thing that controls my drinking at all is how bad I feel next day. I''m on several psych meds and I know they magnify the toxicity of alcohol on my system. Sometimes I can't work. Well, I could, but I have a really responsible position and I can't risk being fuzzy. So if I have a really bad day (like yesterday, and again today) it usually makes me slow down for awhile. Sometimes long enough to start feeling really good. My therapist always tells me drinking is the worst thing for my depression. Exercise would be the best. But you can't exercise if you're drunk or hungover, can you?
I don't know how to help myself, because of the feeling that I don't really want to quit drinking, I love it too much. And I can't get around the higher power step. The only higher power I could believe in is Nature, and I don't believe Hurrican Katrina could help me with recovery. I wish there was some way I could start from this point where I am right now and start getting better. It's like I have to get so much better before I can even begin to get better that I lose hope.
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Posts: n/a
You are welcome here, darknights. What's important, is that you realize continuing to drink is bad for you. Once you do stop...you'll be wondering why you didn't do it sooner. If you haven't already, go to a few AA meetings to see what they're like. It sounds like you're somewhat familiar with the steps...
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,504
Of course, you are welcome here.
Stopping drinking is a scary thought for most of us who have given up drinking, and I know I resisted for a long time. The problem is that alcoholism is progressive and things will get worse for you.
Take a look around and if you want to stop drinking, we'll be here when you're ready.
Stopping drinking is a scary thought for most of us who have given up drinking, and I know I resisted for a long time. The problem is that alcoholism is progressive and things will get worse for you.
Take a look around and if you want to stop drinking, we'll be here when you're ready.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Southern Oregon
Posts: 1,768
Welcome to SR DN!!
When you are ready we will be here with open arms and give you tons of support. You dont have to believe in God to attend AA meetings. Your higher power could be this group, or the people at AA. Your sponsor. Nature.
Good luck in whatever you decide to do.
When you are ready we will be here with open arms and give you tons of support. You dont have to believe in God to attend AA meetings. Your higher power could be this group, or the people at AA. Your sponsor. Nature.
Good luck in whatever you decide to do.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fayetteville, NC
Posts: 6
Welcome to SR!
I was reading these posts in drunken stupor most nights, so don't sweat the "not being sober" thing. You're totally welcome to post and share...the folks here are v. cool.
Speaking as someone who also has been diagnosed with clinical depression, I can tell you, what your therapist said is 100% right. Alcohol completely sucks if you're depressed. You say "you love it too much" ... you love the control it has over you? You might have loved it once, as I did, but when it becomes enough of a problem that you would start looking at recovery websites, it's not "love" it's dependece.
Don't loose hope...I know you said you didn't know if you were "ready to give up drinking"....that you are scared of the pain and regret you might feel when "the fog clears." Well, I'm on day 18 of sobriety, the fog has cleared...and the only regret I have is that I didn't do it sooner.
Good Luck,
Schwa
I was reading these posts in drunken stupor most nights, so don't sweat the "not being sober" thing. You're totally welcome to post and share...the folks here are v. cool.
Speaking as someone who also has been diagnosed with clinical depression, I can tell you, what your therapist said is 100% right. Alcohol completely sucks if you're depressed. You say "you love it too much" ... you love the control it has over you? You might have loved it once, as I did, but when it becomes enough of a problem that you would start looking at recovery websites, it's not "love" it's dependece.
Don't loose hope...I know you said you didn't know if you were "ready to give up drinking"....that you are scared of the pain and regret you might feel when "the fog clears." Well, I'm on day 18 of sobriety, the fog has cleared...and the only regret I have is that I didn't do it sooner.
Good Luck,
Schwa
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