Class of October 2022 Support Thread Part One
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,667
Magnum, I hope the bachelorette party goes well.
Five, Day 5 is great and I remember that feeling of the first week or so seeming like a month. Each day seemed so long, but you're doing great and things will improve.
Red, I'm glad you got through the craving.
Five, Day 5 is great and I remember that feeling of the first week or so seeming like a month. Each day seemed so long, but you're doing great and things will improve.
Red, I'm glad you got through the craving.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2016
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 2,300
I am broken today, absolutely broken.
I have to shovel through hours of arguments to determine if I'm abusive or if I'm being gaslight. It's so hard to understand if it the abusive behaviour from my partner is my fault and it's me or its actually him. He told me last night that what attracted him to me was he thought I was a tough chick who had her **** sorted and he didn't realise the things he has said to me over the last 9 years would've hurt me, an sits abusive stuff he's said. He used my drinking against me telling me I flirt with other men and that I'm dumbwhen drinking and a whole heap of other stuff that he does when he's drinking. He specifically used my neighbours and said I flirt with them, honestly I really don't do that. When we drink together we end up in fights and he gets really abusive and blames it all on me but not when I drink by myself.
My head is such a mess I just don't know what to do..
Day 77 minus 1
I have to shovel through hours of arguments to determine if I'm abusive or if I'm being gaslight. It's so hard to understand if it the abusive behaviour from my partner is my fault and it's me or its actually him. He told me last night that what attracted him to me was he thought I was a tough chick who had her **** sorted and he didn't realise the things he has said to me over the last 9 years would've hurt me, an sits abusive stuff he's said. He used my drinking against me telling me I flirt with other men and that I'm dumbwhen drinking and a whole heap of other stuff that he does when he's drinking. He specifically used my neighbours and said I flirt with them, honestly I really don't do that. When we drink together we end up in fights and he gets really abusive and blames it all on me but not when I drink by myself.
My head is such a mess I just don't know what to do..
Day 77 minus 1
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: German Village, Columbus with my love ♥
Posts: 88,761
Red, honey, take a breath if you can. I can feel how stressful this is. 
s
In days gone by, I did the shovelling through arguments thing, but it never helped me. It is so hard to process it all again after the fact. And we are trying to process stuff said in anger. It never ever makes any sense in retrospect.
I know what it is like to feel that you are being gaslighted. It is quite frankly horrific. But I also know, from experience, that some people make up or exaggerate things in a fight because they are (possibly hurt and) lashing out.
You didn't say why the argument started. Please don't think I am asking, but I feel like there is a missing part there. It feels like your guy was being defensive instead of hearing something you were trying to tell him. And I am sorry. You deserve to be heard. s ❤️
sIn days gone by, I did the shovelling through arguments thing, but it never helped me. It is so hard to process it all again after the fact. And we are trying to process stuff said in anger. It never ever makes any sense in retrospect.
I know what it is like to feel that you are being gaslighted. It is quite frankly horrific. But I also know, from experience, that some people make up or exaggerate things in a fight because they are (possibly hurt and) lashing out.
You didn't say why the argument started. Please don't think I am asking, but I feel like there is a missing part there. It feels like your guy was being defensive instead of hearing something you were trying to tell him. And I am sorry. You deserve to be heard.
s ❤️
Member
Join Date: Dec 2016
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 2,300
I'm at my wits end in the relationship Suze and we don't have good communication as I'm too scared to bring anything up with him. He was opening up and said he felt that I was disconnected from him. I told him I did feel like that and that I had unresolved issues and felt overwhelmed with all the stuff that's in every corner of our property and house and it was affecting my behaviour on a daily basis and that I held some resentment around it and that all of these unresolved issue are causing a disconnect plus all the mean things he's said to me over the years that circulate in my head leaving me wondering if he actually even likes me.
We talked for hours and hours and he blames all his abusive behaviour on me, saying that he wouldn't behave like that if I didn't trigger him too and that I'm responsible for influencing his abusive behaviour. He gets really mean too. I get defensive about that as that's nasty and then he tells me I can't handle the truth of my own behaviour.. He's even said that he can't understand why his family like me so much.
It's an absolute mess but I'm very thankful I was sober when this happened..
We talked for hours and hours and he blames all his abusive behaviour on me, saying that he wouldn't behave like that if I didn't trigger him too and that I'm responsible for influencing his abusive behaviour. He gets really mean too. I get defensive about that as that's nasty and then he tells me I can't handle the truth of my own behaviour.. He's even said that he can't understand why his family like me so much.
It's an absolute mess but I'm very thankful I was sober when this happened..
Member
Join Date: May 2015
Posts: 32,397
Originally Posted by Red78 
I am broken today, absolutely broken.
I have to shovel through hours of arguments to determine if I'm abusive or if I'm being gaslight. It's so hard to understand if it the abusive behaviour from my partner is my fault and it's me or its actually him. He told me last night that what attracted him to me was he thought I was a tough chick who had her **** sorted and he didn't realise the things he has said to me over the last 9 years would've hurt me, an sits abusive stuff he's said. He used my drinking against me telling me I flirt with other men and that I'm dumbwhen drinking and a whole heap of other stuff that he does when he's drinking. He specifically used my neighbours and said I flirt with them, honestly I really don't do that. When we drink together we end up in fights and he gets really abusive and blames it all on me but not when I drink by myself.
My head is such a mess I just don't know what to do..
Day 77 minus 1
I have to shovel through hours of arguments to determine if I'm abusive or if I'm being gaslight. It's so hard to understand if it the abusive behaviour from my partner is my fault and it's me or its actually him. He told me last night that what attracted him to me was he thought I was a tough chick who had her **** sorted and he didn't realise the things he has said to me over the last 9 years would've hurt me, an sits abusive stuff he's said. He used my drinking against me telling me I flirt with other men and that I'm dumbwhen drinking and a whole heap of other stuff that he does when he's drinking. He specifically used my neighbours and said I flirt with them, honestly I really don't do that. When we drink together we end up in fights and he gets really abusive and blames it all on me but not when I drink by myself.
My head is such a mess I just don't know what to do..
Day 77 minus 1
It's horrible.
You have begun to see through it, I think.
Here for you.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: German Village, Columbus with my love ♥
Posts: 88,761
Originally Posted by Red78
I'm at my wits end in the relationship Suze and we don't have good communication as I'm too scared to bring anything up with him. He was opening up and said he felt that I was disconnected from him. I told him I did feel like that and that I had unresolved issues and felt overwhelmed with all the stuff that's in every corner of our property and house and it was affecting my behaviour on a daily basis and that I held some resentment around it and that all of these unresolved issue are causing a disconnect plus all the mean things he's said to me over the years that circulate in my head leaving me wondering if he actually even likes me.
We talked for hours and hours and he blames all his abusive behaviour on me, saying that he wouldn't behave like that if I didn't trigger him too and that I'm responsible for influencing his abusive behaviour. He gets really mean too. I get defensive about that as that's nasty and then he tells me I can't handle the truth of my own behaviour.. He's even said that he can't understand why his family like me so much.
It's an absolute mess but I'm very thankful I was sober when this happened..
We talked for hours and hours and he blames all his abusive behaviour on me, saying that he wouldn't behave like that if I didn't trigger him too and that I'm responsible for influencing his abusive behaviour. He gets really mean too. I get defensive about that as that's nasty and then he tells me I can't handle the truth of my own behaviour.. He's even said that he can't understand why his family like me so much.
It's an absolute mess but I'm very thankful I was sober when this happened..
I hear you say that your man frightens you; that is not OK. And if he is not willing to accept his part in that, that is not OK, either.
I hope that he can hear you, love. ❤️
Member
Join Date: Dec 2016
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 2,300
Thanks for the support. I don't mean to be dramatic but I've only had 3 hours sleep. I'm also trying to figure out if I have some behaviours I need to look at and if so to what degree or is this a crazy making game.
I put the booze down so I could sort this part of my life out because its extremely unhappy and its 24/7. We spend every single day all day together and I can't cope well with it..
It's a sunny day at least and this morning the tension has subsided a lot.
I put the booze down so I could sort this part of my life out because its extremely unhappy and its 24/7. We spend every single day all day together and I can't cope well with it..
It's a sunny day at least and this morning the tension has subsided a lot.
Your attitude, not your aptitude, will determine your altitude
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Oxnard (The Nard), CA, USA.
Posts: 14,213
Originally Posted by Dee74
You have a lot of support here Red while you figure out what to do next 
D
D
Member
Join Date: Oct 2020
Location: Near the mountains
Posts: 1,574
Red Im sorry you're dealing with that I'm going through some similar stuff in my marriage, it's stressful. I'm the disconnected one as usual. She has anger issues and I can't be bothered to deal with it anymore.
Day 5 was tough. I gotta be stubborn with this not drinking.
G'night all
Day 5 was tough. I gotta be stubborn with this not drinking.
G'night all
Member
Join Date: Dec 2016
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 2,300
Made it thru another day, barely but did it.. Had a lovely end to the day with step kids and my mum and neice over for a bbq. Noone had booze. My mum and I normally have wines together but she said she knows I'm not drinking so she brought tonic water, such a lovely mum..
Goodnight everyone..
Goodnight everyone..
Member
Join Date: Dec 2016
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 2,300
Originally Posted by FiveTries
Red Im sorry you're dealing with that I'm going through some similar stuff in my marriage, it's stressful. I'm the disconnected one as usual. She has anger issues and I can't be bothered to deal with it anymore.
Day 5 was tough. I gotta be stubborn with this not drinking.
G'night all
Day 5 was tough. I gotta be stubborn with this not drinking.
G'night all
Does your wife drink too?
Your attitude, not your aptitude, will determine your altitude
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Oxnard (The Nard), CA, USA.
Posts: 14,213
Originally Posted by Ove
Just checking in to say have a great sober weekend everyone!
Stay strong
Stay strong
Me, ODAAT fifty days in a row!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2020
Location: Near the mountains
Posts: 1,574
Originally Posted by Red78
It does suck and it's so hard to get around. How do you open up to someone about your feelings when they take that opportunity to berate you and that you should take it and agree with them that you've got issues..
Does your wife drink too?
Does your wife drink too?
When I was drinking it was easier to ignore the problems. The alcohol made it seem like we have a healthy relationship since I don't make any waves.
Sober I tend to just avoid her as much as possible. I focus on taking care of my kids. At this point I'm looking forward to them being older and more independent so that she is no longer a problem I have to confront.
I think all of the drama is why I could find it so easy to drink again and keep the peace, but it's ruining my health. So I need to stay stubborn.
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