Alpine

A little, not much
Accountability: In a very dark place in life with many bad situations compounded by Mr. A being gone. I am just getting so done and it does not seem to be getting better. I know I can't turn to alcohol to "help" because it definitely would not help. I just do not know what to do, I am trying so flipn hard to be happy and see that end of a tunnel. The end seems to be getting further and further away and is just dark and miserable.
Toolbox: I don't know at this point
Sigh

Alpine

If I drank right now, I know it would make me fall asleep..or should I say pass out temporarily so then this pain would be gone for that period, only for me to wake up and still be in this pain/dark place in life compounded by the alcohol. Can't do it and wont do it..Drink that is.

Worried14

Alpine so sorry you're in a dark place.
You mention on the June thread about helping your Mum and Mil. Sounds like you've got a lot on your plate, a lot of giving that you feel is your duty but you haven't the resources to give it. With winter coming presumably the lawn can go without mowing for your Mil. Can she do much in the house? Can she make a cup of tea and put a meal in the microwave? If not perhaps Mr A can get some help for his mother? A cleaner in once a week should be a help too. And don't go feeling guilty. You need some time to yourself to build up strength. I don't know the best way for you to do that. Personally I go down the spiritual root for strength and comfort, it works for me but we all have to find our own way.

IMO you need to work on not missing Mr A so much when he's gone. You know he's coming back so perhaps you can work on that as he's only gone temporarily.

Your own Mum is hopefully a bit easier than mil as you're not living with her so you can come and go as it suits you.

Maybe you could get out by going for a walk . You don't have to do much walking if you're in pain. You could find a scenic place to sit and take a flask of coffee and a sandwich. Perhaps you could think about how everything you see is part of you and you are part of everything you see and take it from there.

I do hope you can find your way through this Alpine, keep putting one foot in front of the other while you're figuring it out

Dee74

How are things now Alpine?
D

Mags1

Thinking of you Alpine. have you thought about speaking to your doctor love.

Mizz

Alpine-
Sending you support from Cali.

Anna

Alpine, I'm thinking of you and hoping you're feeling better.

Alpine

It's not so much as missing Mr. A it is that we are dealing with some significant personal issues that do not make it easy to deal with when he is this far away. My MIL is capable of doing her own meals and light housekeeping, she just has a challenging personality that is getting worse to deal with and often Mr. A has not backed me up.
I wish I could walk because exercise is and has always been my outlet. Still can't do that due to hip pain. I have not been able to find a Dr yet. Sigh.
NO plans to drink ever again. It has destroyed so much.

Alpine

He is also missing our Anniversary again. He missed our 25th last year and is missing agian this year and that was his choice. He did not have to pick these dates.

Mizz

I hear you on the "finding a doctor" thing.
Our medical situation is dire around here. Finding someone who is accepting new patients is like finding a needle in a haystack.
The needle will be found. You will find a doctor.

Difficult personalities in our lives can be one of the biggest challenges. I hope you are able to get some breathing room from the MIL. You are doing the best you can at all moments. I believe in you. The power of community and the power of determination. The power of never being defeated.

Bekindalways

Hey Alpine, I'm thinking of you today.

During hard times, I just try to get through the next 15 minutes.

Alpine

Accountability: Still hanging tough through this big bumpy road I am on currently, and on my own in the real face to face world. Alcohol would not fix or decrease my feelings or these situations at all. It would only inflate the issues and solve absolutely nothing and only cause more heartache, disappointment, despair, poor feelings of self-worth which I am already feeling. I do not need anything that would exacerbate it.
Toolbox: Still not sure..
Just keep trying

Alpine

Alpine

Just a quick pop in/accountabilty. I am hanging in there with no plans or desire to drink. I am still in a dark hole and quite miserable at the moment so I am not in the right frame of mind to write anything insightful to myself. I just have to keep up the fight with my current situations and significant personal issues and not let alcohol take control/take over.
Toolbox: Look to the future without alcohol..although right now the future is pretty dim
Another day in the sober books

Alpine

Mizz

Keep on moving Forward, Alpine. You got this. How is your sleep?

Alpine

Still pretty much no sleep. Blah..Just so tired on many levels.

advbike

Hang in there Alpine. Things will get better with time.

I just love the Shakespeare quote and that watercolor of the trees..

PhoenixJ

--support to you Alpine-

Alpine

Thanks advbike and PJ
Accountability: Hanging tough with my determination with the hope that in time things will get better. I know I will be in for a rollercoaster ride and right now I am in the deep valley with the slow climb out. I have to maintain my vigilance because I do not have room in my life for the alternative of drinking. I guess this dark place will make me embrace even more the good times when they return. Alcohol is and was a huge poison that I wish I recognized earlier, but I cannot change the past.
Toolbox: Look for simple things that make me grateful
Riley pup