Class of December 2020 Part 6
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Join Date: Dec 2020
Posts: 729
Originally Posted by Lixie 
I've been thinking... I read an article about people, and how they know what makes them happy, but they choose to do other things. Like, they know they should eat right and exercise, and choose to lie on the couch and eat candy. What are the mechanisms behind this? I don't remember the conclusion, but as I said, it made me think. What makes me happy?
Having a tidy and clean house. That is my number one. Maybe that's why I'm feeling a bit down at the moment, because our bathroom is still a hot mess and that kinda seeps into the other parts of the house. So, today I will tidy and clean. Remove that masking tape, fold that laundry, vacuum those dog hairs on the couch.
Cooking for people I love is another thing. Daughter is here, bonus daughter too. So I will whip up a veritable smørgåsbord, or tapas if you please, with Spanish shrimps, løyrom, chicken skewers, bacon wrapped dates, salt baked potatoes, spicy meatballs, homemade focaccia and my special aioli.
Being outside. Wow, that is so amazing! Now that it isn't that cold (it's spring!), the dog actually likes taking walks, and we're going to have some quality time together.
Reading. Oh, I LOVE reading! I have a huge stack of books waiting for me, and I need to turn off that TV and start reading.
Oh, and eating healthy stuff. I find that having leeks and lemons in my shopping bags is doing wonders for me, strangely enough.
I'm going to continue this list, but now I have to start cooking. Later.
Love you guys. You are amazing.
Having a tidy and clean house. That is my number one. Maybe that's why I'm feeling a bit down at the moment, because our bathroom is still a hot mess and that kinda seeps into the other parts of the house. So, today I will tidy and clean. Remove that masking tape, fold that laundry, vacuum those dog hairs on the couch.
Cooking for people I love is another thing. Daughter is here, bonus daughter too. So I will whip up a veritable smørgåsbord, or tapas if you please, with Spanish shrimps, løyrom, chicken skewers, bacon wrapped dates, salt baked potatoes, spicy meatballs, homemade focaccia and my special aioli.
Being outside. Wow, that is so amazing! Now that it isn't that cold (it's spring!), the dog actually likes taking walks, and we're going to have some quality time together.
Reading. Oh, I LOVE reading! I have a huge stack of books waiting for me, and I need to turn off that TV and start reading.
Oh, and eating healthy stuff. I find that having leeks and lemons in my shopping bags is doing wonders for me, strangely enough.
I'm going to continue this list, but now I have to start cooking. Later.
Love you guys. You are amazing.
I actually remember distinctly being asked this when I was 21 by a therapist and not being able to come up with anything at the time except smoking.
There seems to be an element of self-harm in a lot of my “happiness”. An addict’s approach to happiness. Or alternatively I “break” things that once made me happy by overdoing them or deciding I failed at them , maybe? Or they just hit some kind of expiry date.
I used to like cooking. It does nothing for me now. Because my ex never cooked , but loved entertaining, so it became a job , I guess . and my kids were always fussy eaters and liked nothing except plain **** , so I think I stopped trying for them. I used to like writing. But I tried to become a writer at one point and hated it and couldn’t do it, so now I don’t write. I used to like gardening, but I have a house with no garden now.
Or running , which once played a strong role of happiness in my life and helped me drink slightly less and control my mental health symptoms - until me and a group of friends decided to do a 100k ultra event together. I basically stopped running after that because I hated it so much. The training was brutal and then on the day I was injured at 50k mark of the 100k and taking painkillers for rest of race so the team could finish. It was miserable. And it “broke” running for me. Now when I run I just hate every step and never seem to get to that high.
so I think I need to do some work here, too. Reconnect with things that make me happy at a level that doesn’t involve self harm or punishment for poor performance.
(Is this what they mean when they talk about alcoholics being perfectionists? I always thought I was the opposite of a perfectionist.)
like guitar. Which I decided to randomly teach myself as an adult, until my ex told me I was embarrassing and should stop. I put it in a cupboard for years. I picked it up again during recovery and I know I am not good at it, but I still play. For me.
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Join Date: Dec 2020
Posts: 729
Originally Posted by EllyB
Lixie, I think you are talking to me about lying on the couch and eating candy, lol, as that’s what I did yesterday, and today I feel like poo! 🤣But I will go get some exercise and eat better. Sugar is like booze..., an easy “ high” that doesn’t last. I think just getting into the routine of eating well and exercising is like getting into the routine of not drinking. Time to take the dog for a long walk and clear my head!
RAL —- Be kind to yourself...honest, all you who get sober on your own really impress me. I had to go off to rehab for 60+ days to do it. It feels like lockdown will last forever, but it will get better, I am sure of it! You haven’t lost those 11 weeks because you slipped up.
Venus— sorry to hear about your friend.... 52 is so young! Big (((hugs))) to you. Treat yourself in some way—- take care of you the way you care for others.
Tanky— glad you are getting right back on the horse. Hope you can get some better MH care. Have you looked into therapy? I am looking into getting some, as I feel like it will be important for my long term sobriety.
RAL —- Be kind to yourself...honest, all you who get sober on your own really impress me. I had to go off to rehab for 60+ days to do it. It feels like lockdown will last forever, but it will get better, I am sure of it! You haven’t lost those 11 weeks because you slipped up.
Venus— sorry to hear about your friend.... 52 is so young! Big (((hugs))) to you. Treat yourself in some way—- take care of you the way you care for others.
Tanky— glad you are getting right back on the horse. Hope you can get some better MH care. Have you looked into therapy? I am looking into getting some, as I feel like it will be important for my long term sobriety.
I totally second what you say to our dear, Venus, Elly . Give Venus some of that awesome care. Xx
and yes, my appointment to get a new mental health plan is finally coming up on Friday. Then I can find a new therapist once I have the plan done.
because I know the level of depression and suicidal ideation and planning can’t go on. And it’s clear that either the drugs aren’t working or I need to be at a higher dosage level.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: German Village, Columbus with my love ♥
Posts: 88,709
Yeah, and your guitar pIaying makes me happy. As does your singing. 
I reIate to you very strongIy Tanky. I do aII of the same things you do....weII, same but different.
If we are not worthy and then something goes 'wrong', it is proof we were fooIs to try.
But this is irrationaI thinking.
And practiced thinking.
As is the seIf-harm: practised reactions.
And we can make the choice to not do that anymore. ❤️
I reIate to you very strongIy Tanky. I do aII of the same things you do....weII, same but different.
so I think I need to do some work here, too. Reconnect with things that make me happy at a level that doesn’t involve self harm or punishment for poor performance.
If we are not worthy and then something goes 'wrong', it is proof we were fooIs to try.
But this is irrationaI thinking.
And practiced thinking.
As is the seIf-harm: practised reactions.
And we can make the choice to not do that anymore. ❤️
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: German Village, Columbus with my love ♥
Posts: 88,709
I wish the term 'suicidaI ideation' was never created.
It made it a thing. (if you know what I mean).
Yes, you may need higher doses of the meds Tanky Iove, and more heIp.
And I am gIad the MH pIan is coming together. s
It made it a thing. (if you know what I mean).
Yes, you may need higher doses of the meds Tanky Iove, and more heIp.
And I am gIad the MH pIan is coming together.
s
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Join Date: Dec 2020
Posts: 729
Originally Posted by venuscat
Yeah, and your guitar pIaying makes me happy. As does your singing.
I reIate to you very strongIy Tanky. I do aII of the same things you do....weII, same but different.
If we are not worthy and then something goes 'wrong', it is proof we were fooIs to try.
But this is irrationaI thinking.
And practiced thinking.
As is the seIf-harm: practised reactions.
And we can make the choice to not do that anymore. ❤️
I reIate to you very strongIy Tanky. I do aII of the same things you do....weII, same but different.
If we are not worthy and then something goes 'wrong', it is proof we were fooIs to try.
But this is irrationaI thinking.
And practiced thinking.
As is the seIf-harm: practised reactions.
And we can make the choice to not do that anymore. ❤️
and yes, you are right it is our practised thinking and our practised reactions that can be changed.
Part of the sober journey, I hope.
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Join Date: Dec 2020
Posts: 729
Originally Posted by venuscat
Part of the journey fuII-stop. We need to be wiIIing to change. We need to beIieve we can. And we need to want to. s ❤️
s ❤️Fwiw, my new sponsor is all over me. Which is probably what I need. Asked for full disclosure about mental health and trauma. I was able to do the first but second is harder. I have to call her every second day. We now have a txt code for instant help, face to face once a week and she is going to make me read every line of the BB with her. I will hate that and she said she will too, but says it helps.
so support system is coming together
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: German Village, Columbus with my love ♥
Posts: 88,709
WeII, some of that is what I wouId do as a sponsor. Except it wouId be to caII every day.
So, why is reading the BB something you are going to hate?
And why does your spons feeI this way? s
And why are you doing it if it isn't what you want?
So, why is reading the BB something you are going to hate?
And why does your spons feeI this way?
sAnd why are you doing it if it isn't what you want?
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Join Date: Dec 2020
Posts: 729
Originally Posted by venuscat
WeII, some of that is what I wouId do as a sponsor. Except it wouId be to caII every day.
So, why is reading the BB something you are going to hate?
And why does your spons feeI this way? s
And why are you doing it if it isn't what you want?
So, why is reading the BB something you are going to hate?
And why does your spons feeI this way?
sAnd why are you doing it if it isn't what you want?
I will hate it because I have already read it . And my first sponsor made me “read and highlight” for a second time and then discuss with her. I don’t re-read things I have read, generally. And the writing sucks. 😂😂 but I get that going through it and discussing parts that resonate or don’t resonate or getting to meaning/understanding can be useful.
And frankly I will do anything right now.
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Join Date: Dec 2020
Posts: 2,675
Hey
I'm here, pretty embarrassed and ashamed and all the other stuff we all feel when we drink again after a sober period. I mean God it is so embarrassing. Why on earth did I do it? why did I have a drink. I have been feeling ill for the last nearly 24 hours, I mean really ill. I cannot get my head round how I used to drink every evening and function enough the next day to go to work.
Mentally I feel pretty bad and ashamed. Physically it is appalling. I had 1 bottle of prosecco and 2 glasses of wine which is perhaps what I would normally have drunk every night. It is midnight here now the night after and I still feel awful. Maybe it's a good thing as made me realise what I am not missing.
Just feel in a bit of a parallel universe. another world. feel really weird and just not myself at all.
thank you to you all for your kind words, support and understanding. Tanky-you nailed it. No I do not think you are a mess or an embarrassment or a failure. It hits home when someone else points it out.
Anyway off to sleep now. I hope it is ok to stay here. I love the Dec classs. Don't want to start another class. Of course I am back on day 1 or 2 now. but I can't just forget the last 11 weeks. does that make sense?
I'm here, pretty embarrassed and ashamed and all the other stuff we all feel when we drink again after a sober period. I mean God it is so embarrassing. Why on earth did I do it? why did I have a drink. I have been feeling ill for the last nearly 24 hours, I mean really ill. I cannot get my head round how I used to drink every evening and function enough the next day to go to work.
Mentally I feel pretty bad and ashamed. Physically it is appalling. I had 1 bottle of prosecco and 2 glasses of wine which is perhaps what I would normally have drunk every night. It is midnight here now the night after and I still feel awful. Maybe it's a good thing as made me realise what I am not missing.
Just feel in a bit of a parallel universe. another world. feel really weird and just not myself at all.
thank you to you all for your kind words, support and understanding. Tanky-you nailed it. No I do not think you are a mess or an embarrassment or a failure. It hits home when someone else points it out.
Anyway off to sleep now. I hope it is ok to stay here. I love the Dec classs. Don't want to start another class. Of course I am back on day 1 or 2 now. but I can't just forget the last 11 weeks. does that make sense?
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Join Date: Dec 2020
Posts: 729
Originally Posted by RAL
Hey
I'm here, pretty embarrassed and ashamed and all the other stuff we all feel when we drink again after a sober period. I mean God it is so embarrassing. Why on earth did I do it? why did I have a drink. I have been feeling ill for the last nearly 24 hours, I mean really ill. I cannot get my head round how I used to drink every evening and function enough the next day to go to work.
Mentally I feel pretty bad and ashamed. Physically it is appalling. I had 1 bottle of prosecco and 2 glasses of wine which is perhaps what I would normally have drunk every night. It is midnight here now the night after and I still feel awful. Maybe it's a good thing as made me realise what I am not missing.
Just feel in a bit of a parallel universe. another world. feel really weird and just not myself at all.
thank you to you all for your kind words, support and understanding. Tanky-you nailed it. No I do not think you are a mess or an embarrassment or a failure. It hits home when someone else points it out.
Anyway off to sleep now. I hope it is ok to stay here. I love the Dec classs. Don't want to start another class. Of course I am back on day 1 or 2 now. but I can't just forget the last 11 weeks. does that make sense?
I'm here, pretty embarrassed and ashamed and all the other stuff we all feel when we drink again after a sober period. I mean God it is so embarrassing. Why on earth did I do it? why did I have a drink. I have been feeling ill for the last nearly 24 hours, I mean really ill. I cannot get my head round how I used to drink every evening and function enough the next day to go to work.
Mentally I feel pretty bad and ashamed. Physically it is appalling. I had 1 bottle of prosecco and 2 glasses of wine which is perhaps what I would normally have drunk every night. It is midnight here now the night after and I still feel awful. Maybe it's a good thing as made me realise what I am not missing.
Just feel in a bit of a parallel universe. another world. feel really weird and just not myself at all.
thank you to you all for your kind words, support and understanding. Tanky-you nailed it. No I do not think you are a mess or an embarrassment or a failure. It hits home when someone else points it out.
Anyway off to sleep now. I hope it is ok to stay here. I love the Dec classs. Don't want to start another class. Of course I am back on day 1 or 2 now. but I can't just forget the last 11 weeks. does that make sense?
Hope you get some rest and feel a bit more yourself tomorrow. You came here straight away , you put a stop to it quickly and you have worked so hard on your 11 weeks. Nothing is wasted. It is all part of building sober muscles. Or growing the sober garden , as another smart team member put it. Just keep fertilising the right plants. Xx
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Join Date: Dec 2020
Posts: 729
So I had to take personal leave today to take my son to ED because of a soccer injury. He is fine. No fracture, just bad ligament damage. On crutches for a few days and then should be okay to start weight bearing.
We were there for many hours , of course. And on way in we went past the psych unit. My son joked that we could get a two for one deal and I could check in. Was funny, but also a little too close to the truth.
I hate mental health. Feels like a game of chicken, sometimes. But I do think I will be okay . I am stronger than my crazy brain.
We were there for many hours , of course. And on way in we went past the psych unit. My son joked that we could get a two for one deal and I could check in. Was funny, but also a little too close to the truth.
I hate mental health. Feels like a game of chicken, sometimes. But I do think I will be okay . I am stronger than my crazy brain.
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Join Date: Dec 2020
Posts: 363
RAL— Of course you must stay with us here.... you are one of the December-items, and we keep going, no mater what! Your description of the day after is just what Zi needed today.... I am craving the first 2-3?drinks, but need to remember what it feels like the day after! Glad you are being kinder to yourself as well. It’s amazing to see how kind people can be so mean to ourselves, you know? Others can see the 70+ days that you didn’t drink and be proud of you for that. And we can’t make any better or make our problems disappear with a bottle or two.
Tanky —- glad there was nothing serious with your boy. Hope you can get some better help with your meds, and start up therapy. You are absolutely worth saving!
Tanky —- glad there was nothing serious with your boy. Hope you can get some better help with your meds, and start up therapy. You are absolutely worth saving!
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Join Date: Dec 2020
Location: Ontario
Posts: 542
Hi RAL,
I totally get that feeling of drinking of embarrassment, internal let down, just crappy for drinking after a sober period. It's because you care, and that is important. If you didn't care, then you'd be headed down a different path. Today's another day and just living one day at a time has really helped me. Yeah it feels good to 'count' the days but really the day that count's is Today. You're all good and I'm glad you're here.
I totally get that feeling of drinking of embarrassment, internal let down, just crappy for drinking after a sober period. It's because you care, and that is important. If you didn't care, then you'd be headed down a different path. Today's another day and just living one day at a time has really helped me. Yeah it feels good to 'count' the days but really the day that count's is Today. You're all good and I'm glad you're here.
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