Class of December 2020 Part 6
 

continues from
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...rt-5-a-20.html

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Shotgun!

Day 2. I'm fine.

Morning all

Thanks for the new thread Dee

Congrats on day 2 lixie :)

Just come home from work. Floods everywhere. Roads closed and now stuck at home. Which is fine, I don't mind. Rain forecast for another 24 hours at least. Will keep wrapped up in front of the fire all weekend. :)

hope everyone is ok.xx

Good Morning everyone!

Hope all is well.

Tanky: "chancellor - you seem so peaceful and balanced. Please explain?" - This almost made me spit out my tea with laughter this morning but as I type a response to this I realize that I guess I am in a pretty good place right now. I've been really focusing on my music and improving my skill sets. Without music I'd be lost. I'm on Day 42, and though the enjoyment of 'a' drink crosses my mind practically every day, knowing it wont just be 'a' drink and knowing I do not want to start over at day 1 right now is totally driving my sobriety. I've struggled for so long and removing alcohol out of the equation of my life has really helped me focus and feel more consistent mentally. That's where I am at right now anyway.

Wishing y'all a great Thursday.

:) Congrats on 42 days dear ChanceIIor!!!! :) :hug: s ❤️

Good Morning All
lixie - way to go on shotgun. Hope day 2 is very gentle on you 🥰

RAL - sounds like some wild weather. Stay warm and safe 🤗

Chancellor - Congrats on 42 days!! I'm so glad you have music. What do you play?

Tanky - hope today is a good day for you hun 🤗

Elly - thinking of you, hope your sleeping better ❤️

Bob - where you at my friend, how's things?

Not much to report, feeling pretty good, no cravings yet which is a blessing. My best to you all xxoo

Good morning starshine......because you get up so earIy. And I Iove that song. :)

This is so so good to read, chancellor. Congrats on day 42! What a great gift you are giving yourself with your music. you deserve this life. Not the other one. Xx

And glad my little nudges give you a smile. 😘

🤣🌟🥰 bahaha I love it, you do make smile so xxoo

Good morning Tanky 😊

So I am typing this in my “window of opportunity” before the depression & anxiety get too loud and I can’t think again.

Today , I will be going to a GP I don’t know to essentially beg for drugs. I have been so “anti” my own mental health medication for so long , it is vaguely comical to me to be in a position where I will be actively seeking it out. Like some kind of meds junkie. But I know if I don’t do this, I am probably not going to be able to stay sober.

My psychiatrist used to have to fight with me about everything. Every additional drug, every minor increase in dosage . Even when I was desperate. ...Hmm. Actually, No. No thanks, doc. Maybe, I will just suffer after all, thanks. (And self-medicate harder) “Yes, we can do it that way. ...or Tanky, have you considered that maybe you don’t actually need to suffer quite so much?”

I am trying to remember these kind of words and phrases she used to use, because I think I know I have probably done enough of doing it “my way” . My way pretty much sucks. Doesn’t work, right? Is how I got here and all. Powerless.

TBH, if this is what my sober life is going to be , then I am pretty sure I won’t be able to sit with it for much longer. I won’t bore you with details of how many close calls I am having through current fog of anxiety and depression. But I did have to cancel a delivery order I made last night.

And now I have noticed first signs that I am also starting to withdraw , again. Because I can’t deal. I am not speaking to my kids beyond functional stuff, I have refused calls from my sponsor and other aa people past few days. Lied to sponsor and said I was too busy with work. But I didn’t actually go to work, yesterday. The colleague who knows about my efforts to get sober also asked after me and I lied. I haven’t been to a meeting for three days. Part of it is “rational” self-preservation , because I know my brain is too cooked to engage and I needed to take pressure down. But also not going to greatly assist over time.

luckily for me, I have you guys here at team D. And SR more generally. Because, for some reason, no matter how stupid my head gets, I can stay honest here. Type it out. Stay accountable.

trying to be kind. To remember that this is the first time I have ever tried to deal w this level of distress totally naked. No alcohol, no drugs, no gaming, no prescriptions. The intensity is just dialled a bit too high, I guess. I need a bit of help with that. And that’s okay. Well at least that is what I am trying to convince myself of.

She is a IoveIy doctor ~ I am hoping that an honest taIk with her wiII be beneficiaI dear Tanky. :hug: s ❤️

I hope you are able to get help tanky. I take a mild anti d anti anxiety drug. I am a mess without it so will not be trying to come off it again. It is amazing the difference they make.

Many congrats on 42 days chancellor 👍😃

Hope it goes well Tanky :)
congrats on 42 days Chancellor!

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Tanky—- it sounds like a good plan. Ian looking at going back on slow dose AD—- just started it last week, but it may be contributing to my insomnia that I have had that got bad after my brother’s death.
Today was the first time I wanted to drink since it happened, kind of in a vague avoidance way. It’s so dang hard to feel sometimes.

Hang in there Elly. Im not sure if your brother knew of your troubles, but he would want the best for you regardless. And just remember that there is a really lovely side to the hard feelings which are actually really beautiful because it's demonstrative of the deep love you have xxoo ❤️

Morning all

My first thought this morning when I woke was thank God I didn't drink last night. My second was to get up and attend an 8am SMART meeting which I did. Feel so much more positive and motivated. The last 2 days i've had serious thoughts of drinking and worst-when you feel/project that EVERY day from now on I will feel like this so might as well just drink now. Does anyone else get that? In smart they talk about irrational beliefs, of which this is one for me. Of course I won't feel like that every afternoon-the problem is that in THAT moment, I think I will. Anyway, a hurdle crossed. Will keep busy today. Off to chop my last 10 pieces of wood :)
Take care folks,xx

I had that a lot but the more sober days I had, and the more I went on building a sober life I loved, the less I believed that :)

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Thanks Dee :)

Thinking of you, RAL. :hug: