Class of December 2020 Part 4
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Join Date: Dec 2020
Posts: 363
Quiet today! Hope everyone is doing ok, just busy after time off. Day 20 today since my lapse. Boredom is a beast, but I think it is easier to deal with than stress. I wish I could use AVRT as successfully as some seem to here— I am having arguments with my AV most days. Still winning, but it is tiring! I
Member
Join Date: Dec 2020
Posts: 2,826
Many congrats on 20 days Elly! Are you reading the AVRT book or online material? I used it last time round. Sorry if I'm repeating myself 
For me the trick was not to engage with the AV. Not argue with it or give it a voice. The AV wants a drink but i don't drink. I know it's easier said than done of course 
But you can do it. you ARE doing it 
For me the trick was not to engage with the AV. Not argue with it or give it a voice. The AV wants a drink but i don't drink. I know it's easier said than done of course But you can do it. you ARE doing it 
Member
Join Date: Dec 2020
Posts: 729
I was asked a simple question last night . “How do you know you are an alcoholic?” My answer was fairly straightforward , along the lines of the 30+ years of unsuccessful experimenting and practise of not being able to drink sensibly.
but even such simple questions can lead to minor shifts in thinking. In further awakening.
I woke at 3.30am today. I could not stop thinking about my early relationship with alcohol. About things I had forgotten or suppressed about my early drinking days in order to keep on drinking. at first, the familiar guilt and shame was predominant while taking this inventory , but then I found this giving way and suddenly found myself feeling a deep & overwhelming compassion for that child . Perhaps genuine compassion, for the first time.
I didn’t choose to be an alcoholic. The only choice I have is to not drink. All I can do is control my response to that fact - by not taking the first drink.
I will never change the fact that I was introduced to the substance far too early by adults with good intentions and bad ones. That it quickly became an automatic response to managing abuse and trauma. I can’t change that I had only just turned 17 when someone first suggested I may have a problematic relationship with alcohol. The police officer who arrested me that day , told me during my official caution for drinking in a public place that I was the third worst drunk he had ever encountered. He said they thought I had died in the holding cell. I thought he was trying to scare me & actually used to joke and boast about that descriptor as third worst drunk. But with 20/20 hindsight, I know that child did nearly die from alcohol that day.
I dodged rehab at age 21 because they wouldn’t accept “mixed diagnoses” or whatever they called it back in those days - basically two rehabs refused to admit me because I was depressed and taking anti-depressants at that time. A third said If I wanted to be admitted I had to stop medication and smoking on the spot. What would any scared 21 year old do in that position? When they demanded I hand over the cigarettes that I had in my pocket, I became hostile, eventually told them to get f..then , walked out thinking I can do it on my own. I ghosted the person who had been trying to help me get help.
That child really did not stand a chance. That child was powerless over alcohol, just as this adult is.
but it’s okay. That child was not bad or wrong or deserving of self-punishment. She was just an alcoholic. And so am I. In trying to save me, I will open my arms to her. Offer her the comfort and care that was not available back then.
we are both worthy
but even such simple questions can lead to minor shifts in thinking. In further awakening.
I woke at 3.30am today. I could not stop thinking about my early relationship with alcohol. About things I had forgotten or suppressed about my early drinking days in order to keep on drinking. at first, the familiar guilt and shame was predominant while taking this inventory , but then I found this giving way and suddenly found myself feeling a deep & overwhelming compassion for that child . Perhaps genuine compassion, for the first time.
I didn’t choose to be an alcoholic. The only choice I have is to not drink. All I can do is control my response to that fact - by not taking the first drink.
I will never change the fact that I was introduced to the substance far too early by adults with good intentions and bad ones. That it quickly became an automatic response to managing abuse and trauma. I can’t change that I had only just turned 17 when someone first suggested I may have a problematic relationship with alcohol. The police officer who arrested me that day , told me during my official caution for drinking in a public place that I was the third worst drunk he had ever encountered. He said they thought I had died in the holding cell. I thought he was trying to scare me & actually used to joke and boast about that descriptor as third worst drunk. But with 20/20 hindsight, I know that child did nearly die from alcohol that day.
I dodged rehab at age 21 because they wouldn’t accept “mixed diagnoses” or whatever they called it back in those days - basically two rehabs refused to admit me because I was depressed and taking anti-depressants at that time. A third said If I wanted to be admitted I had to stop medication and smoking on the spot. What would any scared 21 year old do in that position? When they demanded I hand over the cigarettes that I had in my pocket, I became hostile, eventually told them to get f..then , walked out thinking I can do it on my own. I ghosted the person who had been trying to help me get help.
That child really did not stand a chance. That child was powerless over alcohol, just as this adult is.
but it’s okay. That child was not bad or wrong or deserving of self-punishment. She was just an alcoholic. And so am I. In trying to save me, I will open my arms to her. Offer her the comfort and care that was not available back then.
we are both worthy
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: German Village, Columbus with my love ♥
Posts: 88,865
Damn straight Tanky love!!!
You are both worthy.
You are worthy. ❤️❤️
And I am so emotional after reading that, but yes, just yes, it was not your fault.
It is not mine either.....and we don't have to feel guilty.
But we get to be in charge of our recovery....we get to choose that. 
s
You are both worthy.
You are worthy. ❤️❤️
And I am so emotional after reading that, but yes, just yes, it was not your fault.
It is not mine either.....and we don't have to feel guilty.
But we get to be in charge of our recovery....we get to choose that.
s
Member
Join Date: Oct 2019
Posts: 2,698
Good Morning AllIt is quiet, and I'm feeling very quiet, not alot to say. But congratulations to RAL on 31 days RAL and Elly for 20. That was a very touching post Tanky. I hope your doing ok and catch up on your lost sleep too. Hope your enjoying your book Venus. If you've only read the intro and already loving it that's a good sign 😊
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: German Village, Columbus with my love ♥
Posts: 88,865
It is indeed.
I haven't read it yet....I was really not well today.
It is so confusing....I haven't been anywhere for forever so it isn't like I could have a tummy bug, but wow.
I just managed to eat. That was hard today. Nothing yucky.....just loads of pain and bad head.
So yeah, it's weird...if it isn't or couldn't be a bug, it's just stress. Which is very possible. Life here is mega stressful right now.
So thank you for letting me complain and now I am going to bed.
Hope you have a good day darling Zura. ❤️
I haven't read it yet....I was really not well today.
It is so confusing....I haven't been anywhere for forever so it isn't like I could have a tummy bug, but wow.
I just managed to eat. That was hard today. Nothing yucky.....just loads of pain and bad head.
So yeah, it's weird...if it isn't or couldn't be a bug, it's just stress. Which is very possible. Life here is mega stressful right now.
So thank you for letting me complain and now I am going to bed.
Hope you have a good day darling Zura.
❤️
Member
Join Date: Dec 2020
Posts: 2,826
Morning all
Thanks Chancellor How are you doing? You re well into double digits now my friend - keep on stacking up those days
Tanky- your post brought a tear to my eye, I hope it was therapeutic for you to get it out. You are right, it is so important to be kind to ourselves. In smart they talk about choices and the future and what we can control. Self care is so important. I think you are amazing.
Zura-I hope you had a quiet and peaceful day, I love reading your posts in the morning, very calming.
Elly-I agree boredom better than stress. At least it is easier to change pretty quickly I do lists of stuff to do to stop me being bored and just having structure which is key for me. hope the pesky AV is quiet today
Tony-still thinking of you and hope you check in soon
Venus - I'm so sorry you were unwell and hope you feel better after a good sleep ? xx
Sunny -thinking of you and hope you are ok.
Lixie- I hope you are feeling better today.
Bob, strawberry, citrus, travelbug, relena and everyone else-hope you are all well
Day 32. Lost another pound. Gone down into the next stone category so now XX stones.13 pounds so psychologically a massive step. Will exercise today and WFH again.
I know in the past that once I've got past 30 days I either feel recovered/settled/lazy in recovery/ too confident. Apart from logging into SR I haven't really given it much thought in the past which then leads to me picking up again at circa 60 days, This time will be different. SR is my main source of support. I am doing a SMART meeting every other day. I have ordered 3 books about recovery which I can't wait to get and exercise. gosh I used to go to the gym 4times a week 20 years ago. where did that person go!
Anyway take care all.x
Thanks Chancellor
How are you doing? You re well into double digits now my friend - keep on stacking up those days Tanky- your post brought a tear to my eye, I hope it was therapeutic for you to get it out. You are right, it is so important to be kind to ourselves. In smart they talk about choices and the future and what we can control. Self care is so important.
I think you are amazing.Zura-I hope you had a quiet and peaceful day, I love reading your posts in the morning, very calming.
Elly-I agree boredom better than stress. At least it is easier to change pretty quickly
I do lists of stuff to do to stop me being bored and just having structure which is key for me. hope the pesky AV is quiet today Tony-still thinking of you and hope you check in soon
Venus - I'm so sorry you were unwell and hope you feel better after a good sleep ? xx
Sunny -thinking of you and hope you are ok.
Lixie- I hope you are feeling better today.
Bob, strawberry, citrus, travelbug, relena and everyone else-hope you are all well
Day 32. Lost another pound. Gone down into the next stone category so now XX stones.13 pounds so psychologically a massive step. Will exercise today and WFH again.
I know in the past that once I've got past 30 days I either feel recovered/settled/lazy in recovery/ too confident. Apart from logging into SR I haven't really given it much thought in the past which then leads to me picking up again at circa 60 days, This time will be different. SR is my main source of support. I am doing a SMART meeting every other day. I have ordered 3 books about recovery which I can't wait to get
and exercise. gosh I used to go to the gym 4times a week 20 years ago. where did that person go!Anyway take care all.x
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: German Village, Columbus with my love ♥
Posts: 88,865
Really kind of both of you.....I was thinking take a day off what? I am not doing anything right now....being on SR and doing all of the household basics is about it at the moment.
I need to be doing way more, and Nick did something really lovely for me that will facilitate that.
More shall be revealed.
Honestly, half of it is covid stress and that's just about acceptance and prayer really.
And the other half is about politics and that's that. Acceptance and prayer there too.
Worry makes us sick....I am pretty sure I made myself ill over all of this, so time to practice my recovery skills ~ either accept things, change things or let them go.
The only thing I can change right now is my attitude.
So that is what I will do.
s xx
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Join Date: Dec 2020
Posts: 363
Venuscat— Your life sounds a bit like mine— except I am not doing so well with the household stuff. I do go for a walk every day and that helps. Can’t just keep letting my husband do the shopping, though. Big hugs to you! You are always here for us, and your support means so much!
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: German Village, Columbus with my love ♥
Posts: 88,865
Thank you love..... ❤️
My husband goes to the pharmacist for us and I get us everything else online.
Just not going near a store until it's a bit safer.
Walking is great.....tiny bit too cod for me here right now.
My husband goes to the pharmacist for us and I get us everything else online.
Just not going near a store until it's a bit safer.
Walking is great.....tiny bit too cod for me here right now.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2019
Posts: 2,698
Good Morning All
RAL - sounds like your really working hard at this and your getting results.
Elly - things sound really tough but your doing great in staying sober non the less
Venus - ooooh intrigue and mystery, love it hehe. I hope you are able to de-stress. Your post made me remember recovery isn't just from addiction but life in general. It can be hard to keep being positive under long term stresses. Put we must keep on, keeping on.
Not alot to say still, working hard to get through the initial blah until I'm feeling a bit brighter. Being quite gentle on myself, lots of healing to do. Have a good day everyone 😊
RAL - sounds like your really working hard at this and your getting results.
Elly - things sound really tough but your doing great in staying sober non the less
Venus - ooooh intrigue and mystery, love it hehe. I hope you are able to de-stress. Your post made me remember recovery isn't just from addiction but life in general. It can be hard to keep being positive under long term stresses. Put we must keep on, keeping on.
Not alot to say still, working hard to get through the initial blah until I'm feeling a bit brighter. Being quite gentle on myself, lots of healing to do. Have a good day everyone 😊
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Join Date: Dec 2020
Posts: 363
Zurda — go easy on yourself... you are doing great staying sober!
RAL— I agree... I still need to just cut of all contact with AV... but every time I say “ I will never drink again” I start spinning, so it’s easier to say “ no” and “I will not drink today.”
Hope Tony comes back!
RAL— I agree... I still need to just cut of all contact with AV... but every time I say “ I will never drink again” I start spinning, so it’s easier to say “ no” and “I will not drink today.”
Hope Tony comes back!
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