Class of January Support Thread 2018 Part 9
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Join Date: Jan 2018
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I still haven’t reached out to Sunflower but she was in my dream last night. It was sadly probably just a repeat of some thoughts I had earlier that day. I am feeling a little at a breaking point. I have to remember that it will pass but I am really depressed about things with my kids. You set out to start a family and I at least thought that since I’d been a good sitter and helped my mom a ton with my brother, and LOVED kids, it would work to have them and be kind and loving and we would have fun together. The reality is my son is hitting puberty but also addicted to screens and I don’t know how to stop it, my husband isn’t on the same page with me about setting limits, and I’m so exhausted I don’t know how much more I can do. He screams at his sister. he calls everyone idiots. He says horrible things. Hits things. Knocks things over. Etc. when he is upset. Which is sadly kind of frequent right now.
And now my daughter’s school has told me that they think we should all go to counseling. Among other things, parents in her class have called her to complain that their kids are anxious to go to school because my daughter is basically so mean to t hem.
I was finally going to get some counseling for myself to try and get unstuck. And now I have to figure out how to get my daughter to therapy too when I can’t even make annual well woman check or physical because work is too insane. Hopefully my husband will help since the school is calling for it. Oh and the place they recommend is all private pay so have to figure out that piece too.
So yesterday we started out the day with my son screaming and telling my husband he is an idiot to his face, then my husband pushing him, and my son running off and everyone going to school late and upset. It kind of got better and my husband took my son to school (instead of dropping him at car pool) so they could have a talk. Which he said went well, and my husband and I had a good talk after. But then work was unspeakably brutal. There are so many problems that there are no good answers for. And everything is needed right away all the time. Such that it was hard to even meet with my daughter’s school to hear about how bad it’s going
. Then I came home and was still on a work call while my son was coming out and getting madder and madder because I didn’t invite his friend for a sleepover after the morning went the way it did. He again started punching things or knocking things over (not sure because I was outside trying to finish work call about a 5 pm deadline; it was 4:54).
I’m sorry for the super lengthy post. I just felt so strongly like I wanted to find a wormhole to not feeling like such a failure and opening up a bottle of something very strongly crossed my mind.
I didn’t do it, and I got through it obviously. But I’m not feeling super positive at the moment. I’m sure this will pass too. And I really am trying to keep in focus how lucky I am to have first world problems like I do. I’m just really sad at the moment.
And now my daughter’s school has told me that they think we should all go to counseling. Among other things, parents in her class have called her to complain that their kids are anxious to go to school because my daughter is basically so mean to t hem.
I was finally going to get some counseling for myself to try and get unstuck. And now I have to figure out how to get my daughter to therapy too when I can’t even make annual well woman check or physical because work is too insane. Hopefully my husband will help since the school is calling for it. Oh and the place they recommend is all private pay so have to figure out that piece too.
So yesterday we started out the day with my son screaming and telling my husband he is an idiot to his face, then my husband pushing him, and my son running off and everyone going to school late and upset. It kind of got better and my husband took my son to school (instead of dropping him at car pool) so they could have a talk. Which he said went well, and my husband and I had a good talk after. But then work was unspeakably brutal. There are so many problems that there are no good answers for. And everything is needed right away all the time. Such that it was hard to even meet with my daughter’s school to hear about how bad it’s going
. Then I came home and was still on a work call while my son was coming out and getting madder and madder because I didn’t invite his friend for a sleepover after the morning went the way it did. He again started punching things or knocking things over (not sure because I was outside trying to finish work call about a 5 pm deadline; it was 4:54).I’m sorry for the super lengthy post. I just felt so strongly like I wanted to find a wormhole to not feeling like such a failure and opening up a bottle of something very strongly crossed my mind.
I didn’t do it, and I got through it obviously. But I’m not feeling super positive at the moment. I’m sure this will pass too. And I really am trying to keep in focus how lucky I am to have first world problems like I do. I’m just really sad at the moment.
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Thanks Dee. I feel like I’m a pretty good parent. Love my kids. Try and do kind things for them and others. I walk around out in the world and I see parents doing and saying the kinds of things I do—and their kids seem to magically listen. Whereas mine talk back. I’m sure it’s not that simple. But anyhow I appreciate you saying it. Helps to have some validation we’re not the worst parents in the world.
I’m feeling better than yesterday morning, thankfully. It’s just going to take a lot of work on our parts to get to a better place in parenting and marriage. I think I’m ready for the challenge, though not sure where I’ll find the time and energy.
Thank you again for the support. Have a super day!
I’m feeling better than yesterday morning, thankfully. It’s just going to take a lot of work on our parts to get to a better place in parenting and marriage. I think I’m ready for the challenge, though not sure where I’ll find the time and energy.
Thank you again for the support. Have a super day!
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 325
Hi NL,
I’m sorry things are tough on a few fronts right now, especially the joys of parenting teenagers. I used to teach teens and trust me, what you see other kids doing in public is NOTHING like what they are like at home. I tend to think of the teenage years as more of a host/parasite relationship than the loving bond we imagine when they are born.
It will change, kids who act like your son has lately do so because they know they are safe and loved. Kids who live in fear and insecurity are too scared to act out. As tough as it is to live with, your children know they are loved and can’t really push you out of their lives, so it is about them testing boundaries. It is damned hard to keep firm on those, but as much they may not consciously realise it, they want you to, it gives security.
It must be so hard to get calls from the school about your daughter, therapy can be so helpful to get to the bottom of how a young person is feeling, mean kids are not bad kids and I bet your daughter is experiencing some behaviours from others that provoke her response too. I do a lot of work with social skills groups at a primary school, a lot of the time a restorative approach works really well, just getting them to understand the impact of their words.
One of the exercises we do is filling up a plastic drink bottle with water and making a hole in it and giving the group tape to fix it which they do easily, then we add more holes and then more and eventually no matter how much tape they put on the water leaks out. Then we talk about how mean words are like the holes in the water bottle. We can fix one or two with an apology, but it has still caused harm that needs to be fixed, if we keep repeating the mean behaviour eventually we damage and break people causing serious harm. It is amazing how effective that session always is.
Well done for not reaching for that bottle, the AV is a master at slipping into the cracks when we are at a low point or just want a break from relentless stress. It is a liar that it offers relief and respite and playing the tape forward to drunken oblivion with all the problems still there, but now with added sense of regret and a hangover makes it less appealing.
Doing something else to escape though is an option, try to put your own oxygen mask on first - easy to say, harder to do. I am trying to add one self care thing to my to do list (yes I am a list person) and that is working for me a little.
Baby steps - you are an AMAZING Mom
I’m sorry things are tough on a few fronts right now, especially the joys of parenting teenagers. I used to teach teens and trust me, what you see other kids doing in public is NOTHING like what they are like at home. I tend to think of the teenage years as more of a host/parasite relationship than the loving bond we imagine when they are born.
It will change, kids who act like your son has lately do so because they know they are safe and loved. Kids who live in fear and insecurity are too scared to act out. As tough as it is to live with, your children know they are loved and can’t really push you out of their lives, so it is about them testing boundaries. It is damned hard to keep firm on those, but as much they may not consciously realise it, they want you to, it gives security.
It must be so hard to get calls from the school about your daughter, therapy can be so helpful to get to the bottom of how a young person is feeling, mean kids are not bad kids and I bet your daughter is experiencing some behaviours from others that provoke her response too. I do a lot of work with social skills groups at a primary school, a lot of the time a restorative approach works really well, just getting them to understand the impact of their words.
One of the exercises we do is filling up a plastic drink bottle with water and making a hole in it and giving the group tape to fix it which they do easily, then we add more holes and then more and eventually no matter how much tape they put on the water leaks out. Then we talk about how mean words are like the holes in the water bottle. We can fix one or two with an apology, but it has still caused harm that needs to be fixed, if we keep repeating the mean behaviour eventually we damage and break people causing serious harm. It is amazing how effective that session always is.
Well done for not reaching for that bottle, the AV is a master at slipping into the cracks when we are at a low point or just want a break from relentless stress. It is a liar that it offers relief and respite and playing the tape forward to drunken oblivion with all the problems still there, but now with added sense of regret and a hangover makes it less appealing.
Doing something else to escape though is an option, try to put your own oxygen mask on first - easy to say, harder to do. I am trying to add one self care thing to my to do list (yes I am a list person) and that is working for me a little.
Baby steps - you are an AMAZING Mom
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 984
Hi Class,
NL sending you a huge hug
I have no idea how you, Palmer, Scotty and others manage to take on all you do and manage parenthood at the same time. I have so much respect for you as a parent, through all of your posts here and getting to know you over the past two years, the thing that stands out unwaveringly is the love and commitment to your children and your family. As Dee said, you sound like such an amazing mom and from what I can tell you are working your butt off to give your kids a good life, filled with love, support, safety, security and fun. Unfortunately, as we all know, kids are kids and as their brains have not yet fully developed, they do not process the world in the same way we can, and as a result, all the positive parenting in the world can often fall by the wayside. There are so many other factors at play, particularly at this age, that right now your input as a parent is somewhat limited on the outcome of your kids' behaviour and all you can do is be kind to yourself and acknowledge that you are a good parent, you are doing your best, and you will get through this. Someday, all this hard work and the struggles over homework etc. will be a thing of the past and how you handled these challenges and supported your kids through them, guiding them to better coping mechanisms and providing the life lessons along the way, will be the enduring imprint of your parenting which will shape the well adjusted, wonderful people they are and will become. As a non-parent, the thing that strikes me most about my friends who have kids is the unyielding pressure that they feel to be 'perfect parents', with the unforgiving measure of that ambition being their kids' behaviour. People are not perfect and there is surely no such thing as a perfect parent, let alone perfect kids. God knows we didn't all have perfect parents (nor were we perfect kids) but you know what, we made it through, and the reality is that our parents may have instilled some values along the way, but ultimately our choices are our own and not necessarily a reflection of our upbringing (at any age). I guess what I'm trying to say (but not doing a very good job, sorry!) is that you love your kids, you support, care for and encourage them and you are doing your best and that is enough. This is a rough patch, no doubt, and I can't imagine the frustration, disappointment and crazy mix of emotions it must bring to try and juggle this along with everything else you're trying to hold together right now, but know that we are here any time you need to vent.
Dee: Totally agree, I think parents always feel that they are the ones doing a bad job or the only ones struggling when in reality, every parent is the same, just muddling through, trying to do their best.
Scotty: I really wish I had to have seen your post before typing mine above - I would have just said 'what Scotty said' ! I love that exercise with the water bottle, such a lovely way of demonstrating the harm words can do. I hope that your big pup is settling in well.
Hi to Palmer!
Take care all, have a wonderful week ahead
NL sending you a huge hug
I have no idea how you, Palmer, Scotty and others manage to take on all you do and manage parenthood at the same time. I have so much respect for you as a parent, through all of your posts here and getting to know you over the past two years, the thing that stands out unwaveringly is the love and commitment to your children and your family. As Dee said, you sound like such an amazing mom and from what I can tell you are working your butt off to give your kids a good life, filled with love, support, safety, security and fun. Unfortunately, as we all know, kids are kids and as their brains have not yet fully developed, they do not process the world in the same way we can, and as a result, all the positive parenting in the world can often fall by the wayside. There are so many other factors at play, particularly at this age, that right now your input as a parent is somewhat limited on the outcome of your kids' behaviour and all you can do is be kind to yourself and acknowledge that you are a good parent, you are doing your best, and you will get through this. Someday, all this hard work and the struggles over homework etc. will be a thing of the past and how you handled these challenges and supported your kids through them, guiding them to better coping mechanisms and providing the life lessons along the way, will be the enduring imprint of your parenting which will shape the well adjusted, wonderful people they are and will become. As a non-parent, the thing that strikes me most about my friends who have kids is the unyielding pressure that they feel to be 'perfect parents', with the unforgiving measure of that ambition being their kids' behaviour. People are not perfect and there is surely no such thing as a perfect parent, let alone perfect kids. God knows we didn't all have perfect parents (nor were we perfect kids) but you know what, we made it through, and the reality is that our parents may have instilled some values along the way, but ultimately our choices are our own and not necessarily a reflection of our upbringing (at any age). I guess what I'm trying to say (but not doing a very good job, sorry!) is that you love your kids, you support, care for and encourage them and you are doing your best and that is enough. This is a rough patch, no doubt, and I can't imagine the frustration, disappointment and crazy mix of emotions it must bring to try and juggle this along with everything else you're trying to hold together right now, but know that we are here any time you need to vent.Dee: Totally agree, I think parents always feel that they are the ones doing a bad job or the only ones struggling when in reality, every parent is the same, just muddling through, trying to do their best.
Scotty: I really wish I had to have seen your post before typing mine above - I would have just said 'what Scotty said' ! I love that exercise with the water bottle, such a lovely way of demonstrating the harm words can do. I hope that your big pup is settling in well.
Hi to Palmer!
Take care all, have a wonderful week ahead
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Join Date: Jan 2018
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Wow y’all really have some incredible words of wisdom, thank you.
Dee, ha yeah I guess magically is probably a bit too far. Though wouldn’t that be n nice!
Scotty, I had never even heard of a restorative approach but as it turns out one of the things the school counselor gave me was a list of restorative questions. I’ll have to learn to work them in (and figure out the right timing so it’s not the heat of frustration but not so far removed she has no idea what we’re talking about). And I love the water bottle exercise. Maybe I’ll try it on my own — or suggest it to the counselor for their girl’s group. You are so insightful and compassionate in how you approach troubles like what I am going through. You really always seem to empathize with the other person in a way that enables you to help in a nonjudgmental way. I strive to be more like that.
NC, for a non parent you definitely have a good understanding and also a ton of compassion for us. I’ve really tried to tell myself I don’t have to be perfect but every time I open Pinterest, or FB, or a magazine, it feels like I read about another thing I’m doing wrong as a person but also especially as a parent. I’ve been going a little nuts on the self-help front (hard to explain but reading like four books and trying to work through a podcast and also go to therapy for me and daughter and do some specific exercises from the books) and one of the things one of the various people I’ve been reading or listening to said was to figure out what you learned about parenting and relationships from your family and origin. (Then figure out which of that you want to be/do/have in your current life). When I think back on my parents I never think oh they did this or didn’t do that for my development or whatever. I literally can’t think of something they did “wrong”. If I didn’t grow to be mature in one aspect or another, that’s on me. Yet I continually feel like it is my sole responsibility to make my kids good people.
Seriously. Thank you guys for taking the time to listen and respond to me. Brought a happy little tear to my eye. Much love!
Dee, ha yeah I guess magically is probably a bit too far. Though wouldn’t that be n nice!
Scotty, I had never even heard of a restorative approach but as it turns out one of the things the school counselor gave me was a list of restorative questions. I’ll have to learn to work them in (and figure out the right timing so it’s not the heat of frustration but not so far removed she has no idea what we’re talking about). And I love the water bottle exercise. Maybe I’ll try it on my own — or suggest it to the counselor for their girl’s group. You are so insightful and compassionate in how you approach troubles like what I am going through. You really always seem to empathize with the other person in a way that enables you to help in a nonjudgmental way. I strive to be more like that.
NC, for a non parent you definitely have a good understanding and also a ton of compassion for us. I’ve really tried to tell myself I don’t have to be perfect but every time I open Pinterest, or FB, or a magazine, it feels like I read about another thing I’m doing wrong as a person but also especially as a parent. I’ve been going a little nuts on the self-help front (hard to explain but reading like four books and trying to work through a podcast and also go to therapy for me and daughter and do some specific exercises from the books) and one of the things one of the various people I’ve been reading or listening to said was to figure out what you learned about parenting and relationships from your family and origin. (Then figure out which of that you want to be/do/have in your current life). When I think back on my parents I never think oh they did this or didn’t do that for my development or whatever. I literally can’t think of something they did “wrong”. If I didn’t grow to be mature in one aspect or another, that’s on me. Yet I continually feel like it is my sole responsibility to make my kids good people.
Seriously. Thank you guys for taking the time to listen and respond to me. Brought a happy little tear to my eye. Much love!
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Numblady, as a parent of two teenage boys (help me), I'm sending all my support and understanding your way. Scotty, NC, and Dee have given you much better and more objective advice than I would have, for sure - all I can add is the old quote that "raising children is less like molding clay, and more like chipping away at stone." On some level, they are who they are, but I can say from personal experience that you're giving them the best gift of all time with your sobriety (one I really wish my mom could have given). You're a great parent.
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Join Date: Jan 2018
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Hi Class!
NL: I hope you're feeling a little better and I hope that the restorative questions are helpful when you find the opportune time to work these into conversation with your daughter. As I get older, it's becoming more and more evident to me that this life truly is a marathon, not a sprint, and you have to take each day at a time, just as you would each mile of a marathon. It's not about the finish line so much as doing your incremental best along the way.
Hope everyone is doing well and taking care
NL: I hope you're feeling a little better and I hope that the restorative questions are helpful when you find the opportune time to work these into conversation with your daughter. As I get older, it's becoming more and more evident to me that this life truly is a marathon, not a sprint, and you have to take each day at a time, just as you would each mile of a marathon. It's not about the finish line so much as doing your incremental best along the way.
Hope everyone is doing well and taking care
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Hi! PS, maybe it’s an old saying but I had never heard it. That is a good way to describe it. I also sometimes feel like they take pieces of us to mold themselves. Like our energy mostly 
Or maybe that’s just me.
NC, yes feeling somewhat better on the parenting front but no real progress. Probably going to try a counselor next week.
Work is kicking my butt right now (is there any other way). But we had a new person start and she is awesome. Already bringing more to the table than the last person did after 5 or more years in the role, which is telling.
Have a good Saturday!
Or maybe that’s just me. NC, yes feeling somewhat better on the parenting front but no real progress. Probably going to try a counselor next week.
Work is kicking my butt right now (is there any other way). But we had a new person start and she is awesome. Already bringing more to the table than the last person did after 5 or more years in the role, which is telling.
Have a good Saturday!
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Hi all! NL, I've been thinking a lot about you, and hoping there was some kind of small breakthrough to come out of all the family challenges. I think counseling for yourself sounds like a great idea, if only to sort out the issues where you have some control and find clarity and possible ways to move productively forward. I'm here if you ever need to PM me.
Work is still a challenge with my boss, but he hired a VP from his previous organization who seems to understand how to work with him, and his primary initial role is apparently to help all of us to do the same without losing our minds. I am heavily leaning towards returning to our "home office" organization, especially because I saw the president last week and he asked me when I was coming back (which he asks whenever he sees me) - I blurted out "as soon as possible" and he followed up with a message that said "looking forward to your return." They are posting the job and I will have to compete, but it does seem like I would be their first choice - it would be a promotion (so another raise) and I would be able to work in a better location, with less pressure, and more flexibility - of course, I'm the furthest thing from a "job hopper" as I stayed with my previous boss for 18 years, so I would have to get over the awkward guilt of making a move that soon, but on the other hand, I don't think my boss has done anything to show that he recognizes or appreciates that I've been killing myself for the past 4 months either, so I might be able to work through it.
Then I think that I might be expecting too much from work, which is very likely but also kind of irrelevant if I can find something that is closer to where I want to be for the next 7-10 years?
Lots to think about - I am very grateful to have too many jobs to think about, instead of not enough. I hope everyone is doing well, and I'll check in later.
Work is still a challenge with my boss, but he hired a VP from his previous organization who seems to understand how to work with him, and his primary initial role is apparently to help all of us to do the same without losing our minds. I am heavily leaning towards returning to our "home office" organization, especially because I saw the president last week and he asked me when I was coming back (which he asks whenever he sees me) - I blurted out "as soon as possible" and he followed up with a message that said "looking forward to your return." They are posting the job and I will have to compete, but it does seem like I would be their first choice - it would be a promotion (so another raise) and I would be able to work in a better location, with less pressure, and more flexibility - of course, I'm the furthest thing from a "job hopper" as I stayed with my previous boss for 18 years, so I would have to get over the awkward guilt of making a move that soon, but on the other hand, I don't think my boss has done anything to show that he recognizes or appreciates that I've been killing myself for the past 4 months either, so I might be able to work through it.
Then I think that I might be expecting too much from work, which is very likely but also kind of irrelevant if I can find something that is closer to where I want to be for the next 7-10 years?Lots to think about - I am very grateful to have too many jobs to think about, instead of not enough. I hope everyone is doing well, and I'll check in later.
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PS sounds like a pretty easy call to at least put yourself out there for it and then reassess. Agree. Glad you have multiple options rather than the opposite!
Just saying hello. Up very early and no coffee yet so my thoughts are very. Inarticulate.
Have a great day everyone!
Just saying hello. Up very early and no coffee yet so my thoughts are very. Inarticulate.
Have a great day everyone!
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 984
Hi Class,
NL: I hope that all goes well with your daughter's therapy appointment. It's great to hear that your new addition at work is kicking butt already, we could all do with more staff of that same ilk!
PS: Wow - I can imagine your head feels a little fried right now as you consider your options! It can be super tough to make decisions which impact your career and such a significant part of your life in that way. As you say, though, at least you have options and it's a positive situation to be in, if a little tough mentally / strategically!
Today I am really grateful to be sober, and to have my SR friends and community to lean on. Working through some uncomfortable feelings and coming here to read and post has helped me to feel connected to positive change. Thank you
NL: I hope that all goes well with your daughter's therapy appointment. It's great to hear that your new addition at work is kicking butt already, we could all do with more staff of that same ilk!
PS: Wow - I can imagine your head feels a little fried right now as you consider your options! It can be super tough to make decisions which impact your career and such a significant part of your life in that way. As you say, though, at least you have options and it's a positive situation to be in, if a little tough mentally / strategically!
Today I am really grateful to be sober, and to have my SR friends and community to lean on. Working through some uncomfortable feelings and coming here to read and post has helped me to feel connected to positive change. Thank you
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Join Date: Jan 2018
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Hi gang. Well the therapy appointment with my daughter never happened because I crashed our van on the way to taking the kids to school. As I posted on grat forum it was about as good as a wreck could be (just our van and a giant series of curb islands on the side of the road; no one hurt; able to get towed and in a rental within an hour; etc). But still not sure how long it will be before I have the old girl back and I’m so bummed because it’s been less than a year. Anyhow, we will go to the appointment next week instead.
NC glad you are coming here and reading and posting to stay strong and connected.
Not much to say here. Haven’t had enough coffee! Hope everyone has a good weekend. We have nothing official planned. My husband is going out to watch the Super Bowl which is annoying because I it will cut into “my” time to get stuff done w/o kids under foot and he’ll probably be drunk — but it’s way better than having to host a party which is what we did last year.
Hope everyone has an awesome weekend!
NC glad you are coming here and reading and posting to stay strong and connected.
Not much to say here. Haven’t had enough coffee! Hope everyone has a good weekend. We have nothing official planned. My husband is going out to watch the Super Bowl which is annoying because I it will cut into “my” time to get stuff done w/o kids under foot and he’ll probably be drunk — but it’s way better than having to host a party which is what we did last year.
Hope everyone has an awesome weekend!
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