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Class of November 2016 Support Thread Part 10

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Old 06-25-2017, 01:09 AM
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Just arrived back home and I did have a great time Dee, thanks.

Very tired but have read everyone's posts, and great to hear from you Plenny. I'm glad you've moved to your own digs and away from the boozy roomie. Tiny is chic

Kev, I was sober for 5 years and my experience was exactly the same as Nands.

"Hero to Zero" is the new catchcry for responsible drinking here in Australia at the moment. Yep, I finished up Zero.

Am going to rest after big weekend and look forward to catching up with everyone tomorrow.

Love you guys, fair dinkum
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Old 06-25-2017, 01:53 AM
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Bonza Steely

D
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Old 06-25-2017, 02:51 PM
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Good morning all.

I had a great day with the kids and time in the countryside was a great break. The kids really went out of their way to give me a good time.

Open fire, great food, driving around looking at all of the historical landmarks with trees and bushland everywhere.

I even liked the look of an old pub, not because it invited me to drink, but because it was so quaint and small, not the horrible poker machine monstrosities that abound on each and every corner here in Australia.

Two old men sat sipping a beer in the sun and it looked civilised and cozy. But no mistake, if I had have entered 'quaint cozy' would have converted to 'quagmire crap'. So no, it was the simple, unpretentious architecture that took my fancy.

I wanted to explain to people that my daughter cancelling at the 11th hour would not normally be of much consequence outside of mild annoyance, and would have made the journey quite happily.

But no, for the past week her phone calls and e-mails to me had me believe that she is having a psychotic break and my anxiety and fear had been building over the entirety, so when she cancelled I just lost it.

I lost it not because she is ill and has schizoaffective disorder or that she cancelled, but because of me, and my inability to deal with her mental illness so ongoingly. It has been a long time.

Was thinking of making contact of an organisation here that helps family members cope better with their child's mental illness.

Her father is absent on all emotional, psychological levels as he has the same illness. He tries, by putting a small amount of money into her bank each fortnight. And he's only on the pension himself.

It's very hard dealing with a daughter with mental illness and just wanted people to know that I didn't crack simply because she cancelled, but because I could see it coming and was filled with building anxiety.

Taking it easy today to try to get my head in order so as to deal with all of this effectively.

It's grief.
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Old 06-25-2017, 03:21 PM
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good morning steely (hug)
Hope you get some good rest today as you deserve it.

I think that the support group sounds like a really good idea! Now that you have found how much help it is here on SR it would be great to expand it to help with your daughter (but for you).

You know, people think that a person won't get angry, frustrated or other emotions with some one who is sick. But I can tell you that that is not the truth. My brother had cancer and there were times where I got mad as h*ll at him about not being able to help around the house like I had to. And I got jelous of all the extra attention he got and money spent on him ... And YES I WAS AN ADULT!

Illnesses can be very hard to deal with, look at how hard it was for people to be patient with us when we drank ... even if they did believe it was a disease. I think it is called being human

I worked till 2pm in the garden ... Chris dug up a bunch more for me so I could finish planting the last of the plants ... I hope! I may have to transplant some stuff later ... we will see how it goes.

Now I am making a pork roast for dinner

I'll check in later and hope everyone is well...

Won't Kenton be back today???
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Old 06-25-2017, 04:42 PM
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Thanks Nands, I really needed to hear someone say that we are only human and anger can and does arise. Then I feel bad, so gotta work out how to detach, but not abandon. Am just going to look after myself today.

I picked some more cuttings when away so will try to give them some nurture.

I checked out the support groups for parents with kids with mental illness and am going to engage, just have to wait an hour for my account to be activated.

I'm not certain when kenton returns but she was going for a week so probably is today. I'll try to make her a cyber 'welcome home' banner.

Love you Nands, and love to all. xxx
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Old 06-25-2017, 04:58 PM
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WELCOME HOME KENTON!
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Old 06-25-2017, 04:59 PM
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I certainly didn't judge you harshly Steely. I made no judgement at all in fact

I've dealt with a (former) partner who is bipolar.
It's not easy, and none of us are saints.

D
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Old 06-25-2017, 08:16 PM
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Dee, seriously, I didn't think that you were judging me as nothing in your posts indicated that you were. Nothing.

All you said, was "Bonza", with a "thumbs up".

I don't understand what you mean?

Maybe when I said, "I needed to hear someone....." in reply to Nands post you took it that way. It didn't even cross my mind, honestly.
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Old 06-25-2017, 10:51 PM
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My grandson rang me this morning to say that he is going to pick up some of the weight and is speaking with his mother's psychiatrist tomorrow. Very much a relief.
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Old 06-26-2017, 12:01 AM
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Smile

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Old 06-26-2017, 12:09 AM
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Ok, we're in danger of being submerged in explanations here lol

I'm glad you didn't feel judged.

I just meant there was no need to explain to us, ala:

I wanted to explain to people that my daughter cancelling at the 11th hour would not normally be of much consequence outside of mild annoyance, and would have made the journey quite happily....
Friends don't need explanations

My bonza was just in reply to the fair dinkum.

I had nothing else to add at that point of the day. Sorry if it seemed flippant

D
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Old 06-26-2017, 01:19 AM
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Hi honeys I'm home!!!!!!!!

Need to catch up on posts but getting evil looks from my boss. Think he's jealous of my awesome tan. I'll read everything and post later xxx
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Old 06-26-2017, 01:58 AM
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See you then kenton, and welcome back. Missed you.
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Old 06-26-2017, 02:59 AM
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I'm sitting at the doctors because my foot is hurting again. Also I have a migraine today. The plan was to go to a library afterwards to study a bit and then go to a meeting but maybe I'll just go home straight away.

I still feel emotionally hungover from the wedding. I spoke to my mum on the phone yesterday and told her about the wedding and of course she was feeling very sorry for herself for not being invited. I made it clear that I feel sorry for how things have developed between her and my brother but that I am tired of her complaining about it while at the same time not doing anything about it. I said that my offer of passing on a letter from her to him still stands, if she ever felt like trying to build up contact again. But I also told her to try to let go of any resentments about the past and expectations (I sound so AA-ish sometimes).
I think I'm getting better at handling stuff like that and i was neither cold-hearted or harsh nor was I making their problem mine. I'm grateful for that development.

Also I just have to say that it feels so good to see my debts melting away slowly and to be able to open my letter box without a feeling of impending doom. No longer invoices I can't pay, no longer angry letters from lawyers because I forgot to pay or just ignored stuff for long enough. What a great relief!

Last night I had lots of drinking thoughts again. Not cravings and not ones where I really wanted to have a drink in that moment. But I was playing with the thought of trying to drink responsibly. Like only drinking at special occasions. I was never the person who couldn't stop after a few, so my addict brain thought it could be worth a try. I think all of that was sparked by a documentary I saw about alcoholism and they said that new studies show that people who are still in an early stage of alcoholism can go back to 'normal' drinking habits. Today I no longer believe that would work for me. To be honest I did know from the second I heard it, that it wouldn't work for me. I just wanted an excuse to listen to my AV trying to BS me.

Can't remember if I shared it here before but someone at a meeting said alcoholism is like a popcorn machine, throwing nasty thoughts and comments in your face the whole day. That's definitely true for me.
Besides the drinking thoughts which are just self-torture it's throwing lots of doubts and resentments about my relationship at me. I was really happy with my BF again lately and we feel more connected. And this weekend was lovely. But as soon he's out of sight the popcorn machine takes over and tells me what a douche he is, why he's not worth being with, why he will hurt me, what he did wrong in his life, that he still wants his exes back, that he doesn't really love me, that he has not high enough standards when it comes to women and just takes whatever he can get and that therefore I'm not special to him, he's just with me cause he has no self esteem, that he's too old, that he doesn't make enough out of life, I get annoyed about him not having a drivers licence at almost 40,... blah blah blah. What?! Why is it doing that? I didn't even ask for popcorn... it just won't shut up.
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Old 06-26-2017, 06:34 AM
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Steely, I'm happy to hear you had a good time out in the countryside. Sorry about how things are with your daughter. I can't imagine how that must be. I have a cousin with borderline and she's a ton of work but moved away many years ago and decided to leave us alone.
I do think too that getting help and support from an organisation sounds like a really good idea. I'm thinking about attending Al-Anon because of my dad but I am scared of going cause I'd feel like the intruder, being the alcoholic myself. Reading on here in the family and friends section can be horrible. But maybe it's a good reminder to not try and drink 'in moderation' again. I certainly don't want to put anyone through that much worry and pain.
At the wedding I took a photo of my BF and my dad and I love that photo. Both are smiling and my dad really likes him. Last night before I went to bed I looked at it on my phone and thought "My two favourite men" and then "also my two favourite alcoholics". Isn't it that we often choose partners that are somewhat similar to our parents?

Nands, how is it going with the computer stuff?
Thanks for your reply to my last post. It helped. And the hugs helped too.
I think even though this is my first try at sobriety I experienced it myself, how quickly I went back to where I stopped. I wasn't allowed to drink for a week or two when I got surgery done last summer and had to stay in hospital. Then I went on holiday with my BF and didn't drink there cause I didn't like drinking in front of him. But once I was back, the first day I was alone I reached for the bottle again. Not much. Just 2 small glasses of baileys before going to my BF. Then 2-3 weeks later I couldn't control it anymore and I had to drink in the middle of the night. Crazy how fast that happens. It's a good suggestion to help the ones that are just a few days sober. Reminds me what I don't want to go back to and also shows me what I have gained over the past months and how precious it is.
What you said about also recognising that others effect you makes total sense to me. And yes it was scary. BF even said he should go to a meeting that weekend because not drinking at the wedding was hard and also the thoughts he had about his friend's relapse. But then he didn't want to go and I have to trust him that he is still putting his sobriety first.
I also thought that next time I see him I might mention that it was scary for me to see him accepting that shot glas and if there was anything more to it. Will try and not sound criticising but understanding and a bit worried maybe.

Dee, I got that book you recommended some pages ago. The shack. I got it as an audio book and have listened to about 1-2 hours. I have the feeling it's good for me but extremely exhausting. It brings up so many feelings in me and I can't listen for much of it in one go.

Kenton! Good to see you back haven't you started reading The Shack too? How do you like it?
And I'd be jealous of your tan too, although I'm relatively dark haired and eyed I tan so slowly. I can sit in the noon sun for 5 hours and still have no tan at all, just surrounded by a puddle of sweat!
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Old 06-26-2017, 07:59 AM
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Sorry girls ... no time to read, but wanted to check in...

I have to see the cardiology specialist specialist today... it is a 6 months follow up, but I have a lot of questions about why he did a medicine change, had me do an EKG and stuff like that ... need better communication by him.

Anyhow ... I'm ok, just gotta hurry!

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Old 06-26-2017, 09:14 AM
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Good luck at the cardiologist!
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Old 06-26-2017, 10:53 AM
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Hi everyone,

Steely, I think it's a great idea to join a support group. It must be incredibly difficult knowing how to deal with your daughter's illness. My mother had to spend some time in a psychiatric ward after her brain surgery and my dad lost his mind towards the end of his life and spent the last 2 years of his life in a psychiatric ward. So I understand the frustration. I remember sitting in those wards looking at my parent and just wanting to shake them. I prayed and prayed for them to just be normal. Seeing a loved one suffer with mental illness is emotionally and physically draining. And that was my parents. I can't imagine how it must feel to see your child unwell. I think you should definitely join the group Steely. Talking to others with similar experiences can only help.

And Steely, I LOVE my welcome home banner!!! Seriously love it. My kids made me and my husband a welcome home banner too. It was stuck on the front door when we got home. Look at me with all my banners!! I'm so spoilt!!

Kev, well done for the advice you gave your mum. That must be such a tricky situation to be in the middle of. And I like the popcorn machine analogy. Why do we speak to ourselves the way we do?? If I heard anyone talking to one of my kids as badly as I regularly talk to myself, I wouldn't stand for it. We need to challenge those bad thoughts as soon as they start hitting us in the face.

I started reading The Shack on holiday but when I read it was about a missing child I couldn't read anymore because I was away from my children. Now I'm home with my kids I'm going to start reading it again. I think it will be good for me too.

Nands, I hope it goes well at the cardiologist, please let us know how you get on.

Hello Dee. Hope all is good with you. Hello Phoenix and Plenny and Poppy and everyone. I had a fantastic holiday but it's good to be home. Tan will fade but sobriety lives on
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Old 06-26-2017, 11:38 AM
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You deserve being spoilt with banners, Kenton! Your kids sound so lovely

I found it hard to deal with the missing girl too, extremely hard. And I don't even have children yet. I'm afraid that if I ever have any, I'd turn into an over-protective control freak cause I already have that tendency when it comes to my parents or my BF. Letting go and having trust in life. Not easy.

I was in a bad mood today and when I went for groceries after the doctors I almost bought a bottle of alcohol free wine. I noticed that I didn't really know what the point of it was so I didn't buy it. I guess I hoped it would somehow fix my mood.

Weird how these behavioural patterns stick to our brains. Even without the alcohol I still find myself looking for something to "fix" me on the outside rather than the inside. A new environment, chocolate, my relationship, a whole bag of crisps, a new dress, my favourite TV show. I should know by now that all of that is only distraction and not helping me long term. My brain just wants it's reward centre triggered.
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Old 06-26-2017, 01:41 PM
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I was 2 years older than you are now Kev when I had my first child. And I was nowhere near as enlightened as you. I never drank throughout any of my pregnancies. I found staying sober whilst pregnant and breastfeeding really easy. There was no way I wanted alcohol to hurt my babies. Didn't have the same level of respect for myself of course. Slowly after each birth, the drinking would start to build up again. Then I'd get pregnant again and it would all stop. Until it started. And so on. After my 4th baby I knew I wasn't going to have any more children and I think that's why I knew I needed to sort my drinking out once and for all. With no more pregnancies and enforced sobriety on the horizon I worried that my drinking would start to escalate from secret night time drinking to day time boozing. I wanted to get a grip on it before my kids saw me drink.

I think when the time is right for you and if you decide to have kids, you will be an absolutely fantastic mum Kev. You care so much about others, you listen and you're honest about your feelings. That's all flippin awesome.

And being a control freak is pretty much part of the deal when you're a parent. If I wasn't a control freak, I'd never keep on top of which child is supposed to be where, who needs a packed lunch and who's having school dinners and as for homework??? Being a control freak is essential in this respect because my kids will use every trick in the book to convince me there's no homework this week!!

I remember when I was so unhappy as a child I used to think that I would never bring a child into this horrible world. Somewhere along the line my feelings changed. I guess what I'm trying to say is try not to worry too much about what might or might not happen. You are giving yourself the best possible chance for the best possible future. This first year of sobriety was always going to be tough. Don't let fears and anxieties of early sobriety make you question how you may be in the future. Live this day. Stay sober and you will be strong enough to deal with the future when it arrives xxxx
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