kenton

I don't understand fair dinkum or straight up, dawg. But in my defence I am very English and I do currently have peaking PAWS and very bad brain fog does it mean "too right guv'ner"?

kevlarsjal

Didn't have any cravings or drinking thoughts today. That's good. Other than that my day wasn't that good.
I did a lot of journaling last night and today and read through my whole journal that I started about 3 months ago. The golden thread running through it is the feeling of not being wanted. Somehow I managed to stir up a lot of pain and emotions. It's so painful. But probably a necessary process. Now I feel drained.

I ordered a self help book about how to overcome childhood abuse and neglecting. Never thought I'd become the 'kind of person who buys self help books'. I was so judging and against all of that 'psychology crap'. Well, well, that was when I still thought I could do everything on my own and just white knuckle my way through my PTSD and life in general.

One of my best friends is still at that stage. She had a traumatic childhood herself, coming from a totally dysfunctional family. And she is also an addict, smokes pot though. We used to have very similar cynical outlooks on life and now I notice how I change, speaking to her seems like a mirror into my past. She knows she's ruining her life and I hope maybe my sobriety might motivate her to seek help too.

I notice how our relationship is getting complicated lately cause we develop into such contrary directions. When I stopped drinking I was so judging about AA, they all seemed brainwashed to me. Of course she makes fun about programs like that too. Now I feel like I really need AA and I like the support I experience there. She doesn't understand though, says she's worried about me getting 'sucked in'. She said people in AA are probably all 'typical alcoholics blaming everyone but themselves'. That hurt me somehow. Im so confused and have no idea who I am or where this journey is taking me and it hurts me that she isn't more understanding.

Now making tonight's last cuppa and then catching up with all your posts... I love to read about what's going on in all your lives and minds. You really are a bunch of amazing souls, all of you

kevlarsjal

Oh Steely, your poor head! I hope your doctors appointment goes well today then

Good summary you made there, most of them are true for me too as you know. Also true is that drinking would only reinforce all these things.

And yes I guess there's nothing wrong with taking meds that we get prescribed to help us stay sober and sane. Many people I met at AA have a very strict approach to that, not even taking paracetamol or cold meds. That made me feel bad about my anti anxiety stuff. Even though I myself don't have a problem with others taking them in recovery. Again, I had problems to trust my own opinion.

Hi badge! how was your day?

Thanks Dee, I'm also glad I'm still here. Most of the time that is, but I'm sure it will change to 'all the time' in the future

Ananda, you're right, we lose focus on what's right and good about us, focusing so much on the wrongs. Beating myself up has become so normal that even going through your positives list I could see how these characteristics are positive and good in others but all bad in me.

That's good and useful advice about not thinking of cravings as something bad or wrong. They always make me panic and think I'm doing something wrong (of course!) and that's why I have them. That I'm not good enough at recovery.

I'm struggling with sleep issues too at the moment. Was much better before but since the nightly asthma attacks started my sleep is pretty bad and I'm terribly tired throughout the days. Maybe go and see your doctor as others suggested?

As far as I know (as a non native speaker) 'fair dinkum' means 'undeniably'?


Yes, Kenton, you've struck me as a very positive person. You even made me see the positives in situations where I couldn't. Thanks

Dee74

you got it Kenton

I had the feeling of not being wanted or not being good enough for most of my life.

I removed most of the people who led me to feel that way from my life..those I couldn't remove are on the very periphery.

I replaced them with people who take me as I am. warts and all.

I'm not perfect but I am happy with my progress

I'm not wanting or seeking validation from anyone these days and, for me, that's a deadset miracle.

Deadset
Aussie for genuine, certain, for sure

D

Steely

You are right Ananda the listing of negatives can be a drag, and as I was listing was very much aware of the fact. I was simply trying to pull together all of the things that keep me down, to see them plain so that I might change.

So yes, I have a social conscience, enjoy writing poetry, fishing, reading, swimming, live theatre, jazz, the Blues, musk sticks, liquorice, animals, an open fire, you guys, and a host of other things. Peacenic.

I know I am not a bad person ananda but these negatives are real and have been produced by abuse and neglect throughout my entire life just on, and without knowledge of them, change in me would be restricted, impossible. I would be blind to myself.

I don't have alcohol related brain damage as when I said I could get lost in a phone booth, just meant that I am so muddled, tired and confused at the moment I could easily find myself lost in the smallest of places. Fair dinkum

But couldn't agree more, we need to focus on the positives and really think that I have turned a corner given last and final relapse, and that hideous, frightening nightmare. Feel like I have grow a little and can see alcohol for what it is - A HOAX, AND THE JIG IS UP! Walked past a liquor outlet today and felt repulsed by the place.

Doctor reckons I'm OK so that's a relief. I was totally honest with her and openly discussed my distaste for the way *alcoholics* can be treated by some of the medical profession. She was onside.

Thinking of you kev and you too badge. And as always kenton, who has been so wise and kind to us all. Take care kenton, we can rock this thing. Deadset

To rest now, so tired.

Steely

And hi, to all Nobenders.

kenton

Hi everyone,

Steely, that's fantastic news that the doctor says you are ok. So happy for you. And also great news that your doctor is onside. I remember when my dad was dying in hospital, a doctor that I referred to as "King Doctor" came round to check on my dad. (I called him "king doctor" because he was always surrounded by loads of junior doctors that seemed to hang on his every word, laugh at his 'jokes' and even carry his clipboard.) Anyway, the doctor looked at my dad's vital signs and then said, "well Mr ****, you did insist on throwing all that alcohol down your neck didn't you?" King doctor then looked at the minion carrying his clipboard and they both laughed.

Luckily for my dad, I'm as fiery as hell and not in the least bit impressed by white coats and clipboards and I caused an almighty stink about the way my father was spoken to. I think at one point I was threatening to contact the tabloid newspapers and name and shame King Doctor. In the end, my father got a letter of apology from King Doctor which was fairly pointless because my dad was so weak he couldn't read at that point. However, I was satisfied that I had at least put a ***** in the sanctimonious armour of King Doctor. And I did have to remind myself that he was an exception. The majority of nurses and doctors that cared for my dad were amazing. I think of them as angels walking the earth, they were that good.

Thanks Steely for drawing together the common characteristics that many of us share. It's so incredibly important to not feel alone on this journey and knowing that other people have similar negative thought patterns to me is incredibly empowering. Thank you.

Kev, I'm sorry you had a tough day. The one thing I'm learning is that the only thing we have any control over is ourselves. Therefore I think it's great that you bought a self help book. Even if one paragraph or one sentence speaks to you and helps you in any way, it will be worthwhile. And hopefully by focusing on yourself and your recovery, you will inspire and encourage your friend to take steps to help herself. I think you are doing amazingly well. I have so much respect and admiration for everyone here. Hope everyone has a good day xxx

kenton

I wrote that I was glad I put a dent in the sanctimonious armour of King Doctor but it changed the word 'dent' to *****!! I wonder why it didn't like the word 'dent'?? How funny.

I made an honest and sober mistake at work yesterday and in a minute I have to go in and see my boss and face the music. Feeling a bit scared but it could be worse. At least I'm not drinking. All is good with the world. Speak soon nobenders xxx

Steely

Propped up in bed, can't sleep and would be useless for me to try and write anything useful. I had written the name Ali **** some time back kenton, it got asterisked out. Maybe it's Islamophobic? See what happens when I send this time.

Going to listen to BBC Radio (we can get it here) then try for sleep.

We are sober, yay!

Steely

See, what's with the **** bit?

Dee74

If theres no apparent reason for censoring it's usually a spam buzz word.

D

Ananda

I appologise for sounding like I thought there was something wrong with seeing our problems clearly ... it wasn't my intent.

I'm really depressed, but am still working on mowing the lawn some more, making potato, kidney bean and tuna salads, finishing up cleaning the living room and trying not to freak out about the latest news.

Right now it pretty much sucks to be me ... but I know me well enough to know that is just a mood and can change in an instant.

So I'll just keep plugging along as best I can till things change ... hopefully for the better ... but you never know!

Steely

I just got logged out again and lost my long post. Can't return yet, am going to make a cuppa. It's doing my head in.

Do I cut and paste it somewhere, if so, where? I'm using iPad.

Hi kev, hi kenton, hi badge, and hi ananda. Going down to buy cigarettes, can't stand it. The stuff I wrote was close to my heart. I'm outa here to go smoke a cigarette. Really happy I'm not drinking. Feels good. Love you guys.

kevlarsjal

Not drinking seems to get harder everyday. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. It's so frustrating. I feel my commitment and motivation crumbling away.

Most of the time it's more like a 'waiting until I can drink again' than anything else... I know that's the problem but I don't know what to do about it.

Life doesn't seem much better without the booze. I'm just ill and depressed all the time, I don't get anything done.

I'm sorry for not being more reasonable and positive, I just can't right now. I still feel like I should post. So I'm sorry. Sometimes I wonder if I'm too young or immature to take recovery as seriously as I should. I don't know... it's not even that I have strong cravings today like I had them on Monday, I just want to be able to drink again and I don't know if being an alcoholic is a good enough reason for me to not drink. I just want to be able to 'control' my moods with a substance again. All this moodiness is getting too much for me and I don't recognise myself anymore.

I feel so bad about posting this because you're all so committed and I'm just not right now.

Now I got all my frustration out, I'll read all of your posts and answer to them, hopefully less frustrated.

kevlarsjal

Steely, I copy all (on my iPad) and you don't have to paste it anywhere. It's still there unless you copy something else. So if my post gets lost, I just go back to the thread when I'm 'properly' logged in and double tap the empty quick reply box and select 'paste' and my text is back.

If that's confusing to you, you could always copy and paste the whole text into 'notes' or send an email to your own email address with the text in it.

Ananda

Kev - right now is the best time to post! You are committed or you wouldn't be doing that!

You are never too young to get it. My first sponsor got sober at 18 and now has something like 42 years.

I think it is important for me to talk about it when I don't really want to stay sober. I dare say many are here today who have felt that way. More people who don't post it are probably likely to drink.

I'm not sure what your face to face support is. I know that today what I needed was a skins on person to just talk over coffee ... not even about my problems, just a skin person. I didn't find one, but am working on trying to find someone with some time.

It really is true that once you get your feet under you there is nothing you have to do drunk ... you can do it all sober .. anything.

And it is ok to be sad or even feel sorry for my self if that is where I am at the moment. I have to give myself permission to feel bad if that is what is going on.

Reaching out here is a great way to stay on track!

Ananda

oh yeah ...

and you are not alone ... despite my great talk, I actualy only got 15 minutes of mowing done, only boiled a few eggs and potatos for my 3 salads, and mostly just sat and watched the news getting more and more depressed yep ... stupid to keep watching

Ananda

Kenton - I was always surprised that making mistakes at work wasn't really a deal breaker for my reputation at work .... its our honesty and willingness to step up and take responsibility and work to a solution that puts people in good standing.

Plus I have to remember that my bosses made plenty of mistakes and I didn't think they were dim wit f*k ups for that

kevlarsjal

Kenton, I hope you didn't get into much trouble at work? Everything okay?
Horrible how the doctor treated you dad since knowing I'm 'one of them' I get especially upset about people talking about alcoholics or addicts in general in a disrespectful way just because of their addiction. Does it make us 2nd class humans in their minds?!
For a doctor that's even more inappropriate behaviour! I hope he at least realised that when he wrote the letter.
Thanks for reassuring me about the self help book, I felt a bit like a loser. Old me sometimes still shouts at me 'do it on your own for ***** sake!'. And thanks for saying I'm doing well, I can't see it at the moment but knowing that someone else believes in me helps somehow. Especially when that 'someone else' is a strong and inspiring person like you.

Dee, luckily I don't have any people around me that give me that feeling of not being wanted these days. My parents and brother used to give me that feeling but that is no longer the case. My brother has matured and no longer hates me, he even apologised for being the way he was when I was a child and I do now understand that my parents both love me and want me very much but that they just were too self focused and also my mum had a bad depression and my dad being an alcoholic didn't help little me to feel wanted and loved.

Realising all these things and especially admitting that my parents weren't always there for me is painful and confusing.

Steely and ananda, you've inspired me to write a list with positives about me which I will do now. Steely you also inspired me to eat liquorice. I'm crazy about the salty, strong, Finnish one, yum. I miss the north. My ex moved to the north of Sweden shortly after we broke up. We always planned on moving there together. Now I'm still stuck in my hometown which I don't love.

I agree with you Steely, dealing with and confronting our past and the problems this past causes us these days is key to feel better in the future.
So relived your doctor said you're okay, that's excellent news

Ananda, no worries, I at least didn't feel like you sounded that way. To me it sounded like a good (and probably necessary) reminder to also not forget about the good stuff
Well done on mowing your lawn and making all those sallads! I am very depressed too at the moment, so I can relate. As hard as it is, making an effort to do something really helps.

Ananda

Kenton - I was reading again about your thing with the Dr. I can relate totally! When my son attempted suicide the emergency room dr. made all sorts of horrid remarks to him about how selfish he was. It was the wrong time and place and I gave her h*ll!

My dr. is my angel having seen me through so much and all my current specialists are very understanding and companionate about my alcoholism. That said I do remember being crushed by the nurses' harshness when I was in Critical Care ... but now I know that their harshness was to try and get me to do things when I was so discombobulated that I couldn't understand things unless they were barked orders ... so it's ok, even though at the time it crushed me.

I think doctors should be required to wear "alchoholic friendly" buttons so we can know who to trust