Ananda

I just spent a chunk of our grocery money on plants ... and don't care yet!

Chris thinks we can cut back on our purchases of food (eat cheaper stuff) to make it work. Of course I will now be forbidden to go to the store with him for groceries the rest of the month. It costs about 20 dollars more every time I go with him

I will spend tomorrow sorting and planting and mowing...

The thing is, my depression has lifted ... It's like I actually NEED flowers and veggies to keep my head up.

I'm going to scope out the chat room meeting tonight. I think it is helping me a lot to develop relationships here since the F2F thing isn't going so well

You guys are way up on my list of people who seem to be potentially very close friends

ok ... taking the dogs out ... see you in a bit

Steely

Aww come on Chris give the girl her veggies and flowers. . They are good for her.

I've really got to SAVE too ananda but reckon the $30 I spent in the op shop was a bargain. That suit has never been worn, and would be worth a bomb bespoke Italian wool and all.

I'm not going to sell it on eBay, think I'll wear it to my Mums funeral if she pegs out before me . It can happen, me going first, ie.

My depression has lifted somewhat too ananda and think it may have something to do with my getting really organised yesterday, sorting doco's and working on my housing needs,, faxing, phone calls, and getting stuff done. Fully organised. Wow!

They were achievements that I had made, and achievement for me has been lacking for a very long time. Felt capable, felt proud of myself. The world appeared more clear, bright. At the same time I know it can crash as the drop of a hat. Still, small mercies.

Yesterday was so exhausting and on the way home on the train the thought of a cold beer entered my mind. It was like the feeling I used to get years ago when looking forward to a beer or two when it was hot and felt like relaxing, not escaping. That 'normal' feeling of being able to enjoy a beer.

I ditched the thought and saw the folly. And just as an aside was walking past a group of young men who were making fun of a friend, who was not sitting with them. They laughed because he had wet his pants in the pub. Great friends, hey? And they talk about women being gossips!

Also indicator of how young people really don't appreciate the toxicity of alcohol and think it's a big joke to have black out or wet your pants. I felt really sorry for the guy because if he had wet his pants publically he would be feeling so shamed and remorseful. And that's how it starts.

It's not 'normal' for me anymore, and no way in the world could I stop with just the 'normal' one or two. Swinging from the chandeliers more the go.

I've had trouble with chat room, but will give it another go as I like the idea.

Keep mowing, keep planting and have a great day ananda. Don't forget to eat your veggies.

kevlarsjal

Just checking in to let you know I'm still sober and alive.

BF is still here and wants to stay the night. Dunno if I can sleep next to him and dunno what just happened really. We talked for hours and he kept saying that there is no way he wants to go out with someone that is as emotional, oversensitive and unreasonable as me these days. Then I had somewhat of a break down, telling him how bad I really feel and how hard i try to be a better version of myself and how I don't even know why or what for I'm fighting. Why I'm still sober and alive.

He was very upset and sad and then said he didn't really wanna break up. And that he wants to stay tonight and come back tomorrow after meeting a friend and that he did never actually liked the idea of us no longer being together.

Now I'm just confused. He's 39, sober for 5 years. How can he say he wants to talk about ending things, then during our talk keep saying how he doesn't see a future for us together and then decide to stay with me anyway?! Am I stupid or does this not make any sense?

I don't know if I like this kind of relationship though. Where I can't say how I feel without being almost broken up with as a result. He said my feelings are unreasonable and upsetting him. My feelings?!? I am apparently not allowed to feel in irrational ways. What?!?

I am just so exhausted and confused. Why does he do that?

Sorry for not responding much to your lovely posts. I need sleep, it's late. I'll get back to every single one of you tomorrow. I love you all and you saved me once more to tonight! Thank you all so much. Xxxx

(Would use the thank you smilie like steely here but I'm on my phone and I don't know the code)

Steely

How ya doing kev? It will all be alright.

We have an annual women's event here called Reclaim the Night". It's to have women be able to walk unafraid in the night.

We're reclaiming the night and ourselves kev. And I KNOW it's what you want for yourself. Me too. "Shine on you crazy diamond...". You are loved.

Steely

Our posts crossed kev. Am going back now to read now.

Steely

Aww kev you post needs good thought on my part, but I get what you're saying. Didn't realise or remember that he has been five years sober, and would think he'd get it.

Sounds a bit restrictive to me. I'll be back kev and please don't think I'm being negative or wanting anything but the best for you and your relationship. Sober or not, some people just constrain a girl, or can't face there own emotional beings.

We are allowed to have feelings and emotions, particularly now, and no-one can refuse us our feelings. No-one.

I'm working on all this stuff too kev, not with partners (live alone) but with the allowing of my true feelings to be expressed. Usually I just swallow it, and I've found this leads me to yet another exercise in self destruction.

So happy that you didn't drink. See how strong you really are?

Hey, I think I've cracked the 'save' dilemma.

Steely

In an earlier post I talked about rocking up to the Nobenders Saloon if feeling lonely...."lovely place, pretty place..." but forgot to mention we only serve soft drink. Good tea too. .

Dee74

Kev this back and forth is pretty common in a relationship with problems I think.

Noone wants to give mixed signals but sometimes dancing around the truth and not wanting to hurt the other makes it unavoidable.

It sound to me like there;s a fundamental communication problem somewhere - I hope you thrashed it out good tonight.

D

Dee74

I hope the budget can stretch to a few more plants Ananda

I like your Nobenders pic Steely

D

Dee74

ps just want to make it plain I'm not criticisng you Kev - just giving my interpretation on things.

D

Ananda

"He said my feelings are unreasonable and upsetting him" Your feelings are only a problem for him if he decides to go that way. We are responsible for how we communicate and the actions we take based on our feelings, but feelings are just feelings and we can have any feeling that we have guilt free. I think I believe that, but I probably need to take a look at that again.

ok well ... I know plenty of men with 20 or more years of sobriety that are total jerks ... (women too). Sobriety is not something that automatically creates a worthwhile (or healthy) human being.

I personally don't ever judge someone by their sobriety or lack their of. That said, most people with unresolved drinking issues have a lot of trouble behaving properly ... but it is the behavior that I look at.

A sober jerk is still a jerk... not a dry drunk .... just a jerk.

MMMM I'm having a strong reaction that has little to do with what is correct for your situation. I better take a look at where all that came from!

You will figure it out though. Your there, your eyes are open and you are asking the right questions. You will know what you need to do when it is time for you to take an action - internally or externally.

shockozulu

So glad to see you at SR Ananda. I recently came back from a much needed mental health break and was so excited to see your name in Chat Room thread.

I love plants, although right now we don't have room for many. My friend is letting me stay on his sailboat as I save enough money to move to the East Coast to finish my paralegal/legal studies degree and certification. At least that's the plan.

The funny thing is that recently N and I were discussing a hanging basket. We both want to put a plant in it to add life to the boat. Reading your thread reminded me to research twist can grow in a humid coastal environment.

Dee74

Welcome aboard Shockozulu - a sailboat sounds pretty good to me

D

Steely

I missed your earlier post ananda where you spoke of the litre a day and your Mum becoming more controlling, powerful as she ages, and is the reverse for me.

My Mum was rigid and controlling when I was young but now in her dotage needs me more and has become very needy.

Sometimes it makes me angry when I look back and find myself now trying to be there for her, because I do care, but there are some things I just can't forget.

I'm settled with it a lot more now and really don't bear a grudge as try to view her as a woman of her time, and her history. She didn't have it easy either what with Dad being a drunk, so gotta forgive at some level. Seven kids ain't easy.

This does not mean that I hold the view that one must forgive everything to get 'properly' sober. Like who'd forgive a rapist or pedophile? Lots of things I won't forgive, because they are unforgivable. And my sobriety will be as good as the next

Welcome Shockozulu. What a great user name.

I see you have posted another ananda so will scroll back to read.

Hope all are well.

Steely

I'm so with you on the sober jerk, being just a jerk ananda. Just because a person is sober doesn't give them the inside rails run on being a 'good' person, though many think that it does. Jerks

kenton

Can't type much because I got 20 kids coming round later for my son's birthday party and I'm busy blowing up balloons and cleaning the house (even tho I got 20 kids coming round later....why does the house need to be clean and tidy before they arrive??)

Anyway, I scrolled through the messages. So much wisdom and good stuff but for me the highlight was Steely's picture of the Nobenders! Love it! Glad you stayed sober last night Kev, you're being tested at the moment and you're acing it. Aaahhhhhhhh!!!! Dog just jumped up and grabbed the birthday cake. It's still in the box from the supermarket (I don't know how to makes cakes ..... maybe that's another thing I can add to my 'things to do now sober' list). Anyway the dog and the cake box and the cake have now run off outside. I hope this doesn't trigger another crying frenzy. If anything it's making me want to laugh. Need to get the cake off the dog before the dog gets sick. Have a great day everyone xxxx

Steely

lmaolmao

Well I'm laughing kev. You did say twenty kids?!. They'll wreck the joint just like you say. And when older can still cause havoc sometimes and Mums are often the linchpins. It really is very funny kev.

Have gotten a lot of organisational work done, made the place clean and am sorting the wheat from the chaff.

Have turned off the tv and have lit some candles. I'm missing a few bulbs here and there and the lightings not good.

Am listening to ABC Jazz radio and have watered the plants, poor

Steely

lmaolmao

I just lost my post, but I'm laughing kev. You did say twenty kids, and the dog is eating the cake!? That's no laughing matter.

Have achieved a lot over the last few days and feel quite happy/scared about regaining control. But can now see what it means now, and don't look back.

Being in my own skin is painful and pretty much sure for us all. The pulling it together, the integration is difficult.

Listening to ABC Jazz radio and have lit some candles but the lighting is still not good. Think I lost a few bulbs along the way.

It's nice and am going to send now as scared I'll get disappeared. One of the disappeared.

Please post.

Steely

I edited my last post to death but main reason for change was that I am NOT happy about this reintegration stuff. I'm scared!, only.

Am going to close now as couldn't cope with another disappearing act.

Steely

That should have read as The Disappeared Ones.

Night all.