CaseyW

Good for you telling on yourself, samantha. Let us know when you get the stuff dumped. One guy in the May class took a picture of his hand dumping his bottle out and is using it as his avatar now. I'm not sure if I'd go that far but it seemed to help him.

CaseyW

Glad you're feeling calmer, Fabela. Sweet dreams!

clearlyheaded

Samantha - yes, pouring it out sounds like a great plan! Come talk to us about what's going if you feel up to it. Hugs!!

clearlyheaded

Glad you are feeling better Fabela. Keeping you in my thoughts!

samantha14

Therapy is always a trigger for me. I come out feeling raw and ashamed and angry. I can't drive to an appointment because of the anxiety and panic that ensues afterwards. I am resentful of all that my past robbed me of and all that it is still stealing from me. I wouldn't wish this life on anyone. That's where I am right now. But I'm here. So that's a start.

samantha14

Fabela - I'm really glad you're in a better place. Sleep well.

clearlyheaded

Thinking of you Samantha.

Bobbieka

Thinking about you, Samantha. Hang on. Maybe go for a run when you get home. That always helps me get out frustrations.

Bobbieka

Good night, Fabela. Best friends are awesome.

CaseyW

Did you go to that noon meeting, KiKi?

Thanks for sharing that picture this morning, samantha. Forgot to tell you earlier how peaceful that place looks with the running water and trees. Have you told your therapist about the aftereffects of your sessions? I've never been in one-on-one therapy so don't know how it works really.

Thirteenth

Good job on accountability, samantha. This might sound crazy, but could you return the bottle? I know being at/going to the liquor store is dangerous; however, it might be a powerful example for your AV to get your money back and walk away. Of course, dumping it is just fine too.

clearlyheaded

I am still feeling sad today. But am trying to get myself out of that place. I am working on getting an old factory refurbished mac laptop up to speed. Instead of sitting inside, I took it out to my patio where I am sitting with my dog, feeling the sun and fresh air, and listening to the breeze and birds. My dog is currently looking out for rabbits and squirrels.

I also have a job interview next week Wednesday. The commute is not ideal, but it is close to the train station, so that helps. We'll see how it goes. Wish me luck. I'll have a week sobriety under my belt.

samantha14

Thanks clearlyheaded and Bobbie.

I know that I am doing the right thing and taking the right steps and feeling the right emotions...but why are they right? Someone took all of the normal milestones and the rights of passage that I should have gone through in my life and replaced them with all of this. Someone else made the decisions and I am left here to pick up the pieces and repair the life I didn't choose.

I guess the takeaway today is anger.

samantha14

Casey - the panic and anxiety are things that I am working on with my therapist and sadly just a natural reaction to the topics we discuss. I take medication to help but they leave me groggy and unable to feel safe driving.

samantha14

Thirteenth - that would be an amazing feat....very much like flipping a middle finger at the beer aisle. I don't trust myself at this moment to go back however.

samantha14

Clearlyheaded - your afternoon sounds peaceful. My dog loves chasing rabbits too. Good luck at your interview!!

Bobbieka

You should be angry, Samantha. It is not fair. But you are really strong and you're going to get your real life back. Your milestones might not be normal, but they are yours. I think- you will be a stronger and better Samantha. It's going to hurt getting there, but you can do it. That vodka will just make you go further into your depression. Good on you for telling us. You are already stronger than I could've been in the same situation.

Bobbieka

Clearlyheaded - good luck with the Mac. Hope your evening is better.

CaseyW

Congrats on the job interview, clearlyheaded!

Thirteenth

I tried to edit that out as I didn't feel it was helpful in hindsight. Suggesting a person with an alcohol problem go back to a store? What the hell was I thinking? Glad it was received as intended though.