phoebe64

Guess what I just discovered at the Mall this cloudy day?

TEAVANA! I got a infused mug/cup and 2 chai blends for beginners. But sampled a lovely berry and orange blossom mix.

Briar

OMG Conquest! SO jealous!

Briar

GASP!!!

Conquest I just looked up Teavana assuming the closest would be in San Francisco, but I found out they just opened one in our mall!

And a Lush too!

Life. Just. Got. Better.

venuscat

It was phoebe love ~ not to worry.

I smelt some awesome tea brewing when I was working yesterday, and instantly thought of you guys.

Ok, have fun all.
Getting ready for work here.

Mark1014

Teavana? Huh? Never knew about those. There's a whole shop in the local retail center that sells nothing but beef jerky. No kidding.

Octsobers, I've been dealing with something a couple of days that I haven't really been able to talk about. My mind is reeling.

In preparing for this next trip, my wife was looking for piece of her luggage that meets carry-on restrictions. She found the luggage in my daughter's closet. Inside the luggage were empty strawberry cooler type empties. When we were in Hawaii last July, my daughter's then boyfriend (her first 'love') broke up with her via text. They had been in that relationship about a year and although it was something I monitored, I didn't put much thought into it beyond that. It wasn't something that was serious to me, but I think we all remember how real those feelings are at that age. So I never made fun of her about any of it, just adjusted to the inevitable and natural transition for my oldest princess. I was miffed at the way this kid handled the situation and spent a whole afternoon on my vacation with her while she cried. In addition, her best friend/neighbor's dad got transferred and she found out that they were moving to Jacksonville.

Her explanation for the drinking was that she had lost her best friend and her boy friend. An acquaintance with a fake i.d. got it for her. This is my quiet and reserved child....much like her daddy. And also, much like her daddy, she apparently thought to turn to alcohol to cope with her life's problems. She tells us that it went on from end of July until the end of October.

I'm feeling defeated and my post from a week or so ago about regret is ringing in my ears. I really don't even want to be posting about this to be honest. I feel like a failure in life and now the sins of the father.....

I also know that I can't linger in that thought process too long. We've had an initial conversation about this situation and I've told her that we'll be talking again after I've had time to think this through. I told her that I was disappointed but that I loved her. As I was talking to her the hypocrisy nauseated me. As I was getting sober at 48, my 15/16 year old was upstairs in her room drinking alone.

Other than personal reasons, I have also been hesitant to post about this because everyone seems to be in a pretty positive place at the moment. But I guess the ugly side of this is not to be forgotten and if y'all can benefit from my struggles then at least there's that.

My next discussion with her is looming and I'm having difficulty getting my thoughts together on how to approach this in light of my history. I don't think that being a complete open book is the way to go as I don't want to shake her faith in me as her rock that she can depend on but I don't know that I can get through this without opening up a little. I'm very raw emotionally and am glad that this trip will give me a week or so to get myself on solid ground so that I can lead as a father should.

I'm very burdened and my approach has been to work myself to exhaustion so I can sleep. That's what I have to do these days to deal with anxiety, but I think that'll get better as I learn to work through things without drinking.

The bitterness of all this sucks on so many levels that you guys may be able to relate to. I'm sorry to throw all this out there, but I'm a bit isolated emotionally because folks that haven't had this struggle don't quite get it. And for their sake I'm glad they don't.

venuscat

Oh Mark. So many hugs love.
I knew something was wrong. I could feel it.

My dear friend, I understand how you feel here. I really do.
May I give you my perspective?
Yes, that was frightening for you and your wife.
But you are not at all a hypocrite for having this serious talk with your daughter.
She needs to understand that there are better ways to cope with traumatic events. Maybe she learned from this. Or maybe she would benefit from talking to a therapist

venuscat

Continued. .... (bloody phone)

Please don't blame yourself. Or her.
Try and use this situation to make sure that she is OK now. Spend a bit more time with her. Encourage her to do healthy things like exercise.

I hope you will all be alright here.
I know this hurts.

I love you. ♥

Mark1014

ThanksV, so much to think about. But for now, host duty calls, so I've got to get in there and be charming.

venuscat

And please don't be sorry for sharing this with us.
We are here to support each other.
Always.

Arbor

Mark. I thought something might be up as you've been quiet lately. I'll echo what V says in that you cannot blame yourself. At that high school age it's pretty common to dabble in alcohol for the first time (I was the exception and my wife says that's pretty rare). I'd just have a candid conversation with her about the dangers in it. Don't need to go into too much specifics with your history and all. My heart goes out to you. This is a difficult one that I'm not looking forward to myself with my boys.

Dee74

I have to be brief as I'm eunning out the door, so I'll cut to the chase...

I agree with what everyone else has said. I also understand your guilt and regret.

I think the present is much more important than the past Mark.
Be the Dad your daughter needs now

D

Briar

That's a tough one, Mark. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. I totally get the importance of conveying strength so she won't lose her sense of security and stability with you. I also think that she is at an age where she will trust and respect you more if you share a little of your own learning and experience. Kids that age become skeptical of things that appear inflexible and infallible. And you don't need to carry around the guilt of having been hypocritical. However you handle it, I'm confident you'll find the way to do the right thing for both of you.

phoebe64

Sorry that happened, Mark, and I agree as well, that you don't need to blame yourself. Personally, my own mother's alcoholism turned me off of drinking for a long time., rather than drove me to it. But I ended up later, as an adult, on a similar path. Talking an education are best. I also think V had a good suggestion about maybe talking with a therapist.

My daughter, close to the same age, has had some emotional issues and really liked talking things through with a therapist.

phoebe64

Fixed my avatar. I had to find where I stashed that image.

Briar

Hahaha! Holy crap Phoebe, with your big yellow avatar I totally mistook you for Conquest earlier! Just caught that!

I was like, hmm, I wonder what V means about "that was Phoebe"...

My bad!

venuscat

LOL. I guessed that. Did you have your glasses on Briar?

Glad you changed your avatar back phoebe; I love this avatar.

Oh my gosh I have tired footsies.

Briar

In fact, I was wearing my sunglasses which are in my old prescription because I'm too cheap and lazy to get new ones. So there you have it, the perfect excuse!

venuscat

Mark1014

Good morning gang,

I found my 'big boy' pants and put them back on this morning. Thank you for the insight. My daughter is acting a little huffy about a couple of the consequences that were bestowed on her, so I'm glad there is this week for her to get over that....the expression that teens get can really push my buttons! I'll be ready to talk with her further next week and I'll use the conversation I had a few weeks ago with my son as the general model.

But for now, time to go prepare a large breakfast for everyone to see them off. Yep, you'll be smelling fresh biscuits in the oven pretty soon.

Wishing all the best day.

venuscat

Glad you are feeling a little better now Mark.

I know this is tough for you.

Something occurred to me today while I was walking ~ your daughter had a long time to throw out those empties. But she didn't. I spent a lot of time hiding things from my parents at that age, and getting rid of the evidence would have been at the top of my list. Perhaps, even subconsciously, your daughter wanted you guys to find out. Pouty or not, I think she needs her parents, and loves you very much. ♥