Teavana? Huh? Never knew about those. There's a whole shop in the local retail center that sells nothing but beef jerky. No kidding.
Octsobers, I've been dealing with something a couple of days that I haven't really been able to talk about. My mind is reeling.
In preparing for this next trip, my wife was looking for piece of her luggage that meets carry-on restrictions. She found the luggage in my daughter's closet. Inside the luggage were empty strawberry cooler type empties. When we were in Hawaii last July, my daughter's then boyfriend (her first 'love') broke up with her via text. They had been in that relationship about a year and although it was something I monitored, I didn't put much thought into it beyond that. It wasn't something that was serious to me, but I think we all remember how real those feelings are at that age. So I never made fun of her about any of it, just adjusted to the inevitable and natural transition for my oldest princess. I was miffed at the way this kid handled the situation and spent a whole afternoon on my vacation with her while she cried. In addition, her best friend/neighbor's dad got transferred and she found out that they were moving to Jacksonville.
Her explanation for the drinking was that she had lost her best friend and her boy friend. An acquaintance with a fake i.d. got it for her. This is my quiet and reserved child....much like her daddy. And also, much like her daddy, she apparently thought to turn to alcohol to cope with her life's problems. She tells us that it went on from end of July until the end of October.
I'm feeling defeated and my post from a week or so ago about regret is ringing in my ears. I really don't even want to be posting about this to be honest. I feel like a failure in life and now the sins of the father.....
I also know that I can't linger in that thought process too long. We've had an initial conversation about this situation and I've told her that we'll be talking again after I've had time to think this through. I told her that I was disappointed but that I loved her. As I was talking to her the hypocrisy nauseated me. As I was getting sober at 48, my 15/16 year old was upstairs in her room drinking alone.
Other than personal reasons, I have also been hesitant to post about this because everyone seems to be in a pretty positive place at the moment. But I guess the ugly side of this is not to be forgotten and if y'all can benefit from my struggles then at least there's that.
My next discussion with her is looming and I'm having difficulty getting my thoughts together on how to approach this in light of my history. I don't think that being a complete open book is the way to go as I don't want to shake her faith in me as her rock that she can depend on but I don't know that I can get through this without opening up a little. I'm very raw emotionally and am glad that this trip will give me a week or so to get myself on solid ground so that I can lead as a father should.
I'm very burdened and my approach has been to work myself to exhaustion so I can sleep. That's what I have to do these days to deal with anxiety, but I think that'll get better as I learn to work through things without drinking.
The bitterness of all this sucks on so many levels that you guys may be able to relate to. I'm sorry to throw all this out there, but I'm a bit isolated emotionally because folks that haven't had this struggle don't quite get it. And for their sake I'm glad they don't.