360shoes

Trach, I quit 2 weeks in Feb 2013 and then drank.. 2 glasses of wine I think. It was the last drinks I ever had. I had a moment too. The good part about that moment is even though I didn't even get a buzz and I would have left the airport after 2 anyway. It was how it made me feel that changed everything. Just a couple and it still made me disappointed with myself.
But I hung on to the disappointment long enough to get me past the liquor store on the way home. After that I went from disappointment to f this I'm done pretty quick. Now I just focus on the latter. I'm done.

The minute I think I deserve something it usually always leads me to trouble. The only thing I deserve is for me to stop hurting myself. Everything else in life is fair game.

Glad your parents are back on holiday schedule. As a fellow A fibber that probably started because of my drinking too if I'm honest, they can get him stable pretty quick. It's incredible common and many elderly people have it. It's the V fib that you don't particularly want.

So no more moments for you and I okay? Let's just use it as a good last time we ever drank story beings there are some pretty bad ones out there. Let's quit while we are ahead.

xoxo

360shoes

Wow Toots. That's one of those stories that kind of haunt me. How close we could have came to having that life. It's a fine line I walked. I'm no better than your ex. I have no idea why some make it and some don't. I just know it wasn't because I was better than him.

Saskia

Trachy, you set a really good example for me! After I first joined SR I tried hard to be honest about slips. That caused a bit of trouble on my very first thread (partly my fault) and since then I've been more careful. For the past 1-2 months I have been less than forthright and it made me feel crummy. Although going so far as to order a drink is scary, you make me proud of you because you recognized what was happening and you were able to step back. Way to go, Trachy!

tootsl1

Trachy, you could beat yourself up for ordering that beer, but instead, I feel you should hold your head high for walking away after starting it, leaving half a glass behind. Yes AV used a moment of weakness and stress to tempt you, and yes you momentarily yielded. But the strength it took to walk away having started drinking was incredible, and then to come here and own it? I feel you just took a huge step forward in your drive and desire for sobriety and will keep moving in the same direction. Next time, instead of listening to the first voice that told you to drink, listen to that better voice which told you to walk away.

Thank you all for your comments. I had no idea when I began that post this morning that I was going to write any of that, it just kinda came out, but I felt it was worth the wordspace as a reminder to us all of the insidiousness of this disease, but that there is also such a thing as free will.
Anyhoo, a very tired Toots is getting ready to retire for the night, having young ones around gives a new lease of life, then reminds you of the decades you are carrying!! Lol

Marcher13

Good morning everyone. We have had torrential amounts of rain, totally abnormal for this time of the year (spring is usually our driest season) but we are happy to take all we can get.

Trachy that was brilliant! You went through an old behaviour that you have been doing for years but you stood up and walked away and what's more you told us! That's huge Trachy. You could beat yourself up over half a glass but how much better to realise what you achieved. One of the things I had to learn was what new things could constitute "respite" and I'm sure you will too.

Toots thanks for that post sweetie.

Have a good day peeps.

lifetplant

Toots, I read that post in my bed on my phone last night. I haven't even read through other peoples responses as I want to send this off. Whoah. You can be the hard talking mamma sometimes, but it's all with good reason. I was crying into my iPhone reading your post...........I so so so wish I could add more to this post but i'm really pin a rush for work. Toots, I may PM you over this but I know I want to respond to you with all my heart.............I know what you wrote came from deep in your heart.........for that matter, in advance I would like to respond to you openly in front of all our marchers because what you wrote affected me deeply, and I have no doubts it also touched a few of us. Well done (please don't take that in a patronising manner), thank you for your honesty, thank you for being you. Truth can't fail, there has been times when i've been sensitive to your comments...........then I get messages from Marcher apologising profoundly for saying the right thing!

It's strange, it's nay cyber space but no matter the milestones; one year, one day, one hour. I feel we are a team. I don't want to let you go and I want my personal team to be a winner like all of you.

Thank you again Toots from the bottom of my heart.........an astounding post.

Lots and lots of love
Josie x

Gilmer

Thank you so much for that post, Toots.

Thank you, Trach, for your honesty. What a long way you've already come to be able to be able to set a half-finished beer down! I've had to learn honesty, too, since I've been sober. It is surprising how much other people can help when we open up despite our extreme reluctance.

Life, good luck with the pdoc. I am glad you'll be going to rehab. Your aunt really doesn't have a clue. I'm sure she means well, but frankly, I'd stay far away from her negative feedback for the time being. You will be so much more employable when you're sober!

tootsl1

Life, we get one go round on this ride, my post was about showing where our choices can lead us and about the fact we always have a choice. I would very much like you to choose to prioritise your sobriety and push for all the aid you can get to maintain it; paying for it, work, home, all need to take second place to it. But you know this. You know you need inpatient care to initiate your long term recovery. You are at a crossroads, the direction you chose is yours, no reason or excuse should deter your commitment.

Marcher13

Good morning Marchers At the moment we have a golden orb in the sky, it kind of makes you blink and squint after days of heavy rain. Such nice rain too.

Life how did you go with the doctor at lunch time yesterday?

Sass I'm glad that things are settling for you in a number of ways, you've had some big changes of late.

Have a good day peeps.

BuddinK

Hi All,

Having fun tearing up the interior of my truck, looks like a re wiring of most everything is coming, I'm not a fan of electrical work, so this should be loads of fun.

Trach, good job on walking away and coming directly here. Hopefully next attack of frustration will result in not even ordering one.

Saskia

Budd, always good to hear from you! Sorry to hear about the truck work though I N imagine it will be satisfying when finished.

I'm starting to feel less tentative and stronger in my sobriety. I'll be gradually going to more AA meetings as the number of weekly IOP meetings decrease. Knock on wood, I think I finally "get it" that alcohol is not and will never be an option for me and that doesn't feel so dreadful anymore. Very few cravings the past few days. And so it progresses :-)

tootsl1

I've said this many times Sass, but it wasn't until I was mentally able to 'take alcohol off the table' as Dee put it, that I was able to stop. I know everyone deals with their recovery differently. Some have to just deal with each 24 hour slot, not looking at the future. But for me I had to just accept I would never be someone who could drink, ever again, previously I always made bargains with myself or promises, but when alcohol seems a future possibility, AV seems to work overtime to bring that future into the present. Taking the option away gave me a huge sense of freedom.
I am glad you are making progress both in your recovery and getting settled after the move.

Marcher, I have gotten so used to the fireball in the sky here in Bahston I daren't think what I will be like in a dank dreich winter back home!

Budd, just don't get your wires crossed!!! . Sorry!

Off whale watching today after a near sleepless night with the screwmatics, hopefully I will stay awake enough to see one. This is the rain check tickets we got to he last time the kids were here because we didn't see any that time.

Gilmer

Very well said, Toots! I have found that to be true, too. I just cannot ever drink again. That's it. Plain and simple. It's not the end of the world. As I said somewhere once before, I'll never sing in the Metropolitan Opera, either! The sun still rises.

Saskia

Thanks, Toots and Gilmer. I thought I had taken alcohol off the table but clearly my AV was fooling me. I think i "get it" now though I believe I will always need support to stay this way.

Saskia

Life, how are things with you?

tootsl1

The whales put on an extraordinary display just for us!

Marcher13

Good morning everyone I am literally running through, today I plan to pull off a surprise 50th for our beloved employee.

Have a good day peeps.

lifetplant

Amazing photo Toots, how lucky were you to witness that spectacular site. 09:20, running out the door.......late again! Had an emotional break down over the phone with my manager yesterday. He asked had I allowed alcohol back into my life. I said yes. Instead of him becoming angry or all managerial........he iterated to me my qualities, that I had a future and that it was in my power to make that future a positive and productive one.

That of course made me sob into the phone even more. What an amazing man though. I am surrounded by some absolutely amazing people in my life, including you guys.......the action of risking a loss of any of them seems a fruitless objective, yet a path I continue to take. Like today for example. 9:30 am, still not at work, for a job that I love, have the best employer and am expecting a good reference report at the end! WTF?

You're right Toots............insidious.........there is no better description.

Trachy...........i completely overlooked your post. I'm so glad to hear you're Dad is cleared and all is good. thank you for your honesty. I completely agree with Shoes.........that was not a slip by any means. That was merely a self imposed challenge which you subsequently rose above and won. Hats off my friend.

Sass, you sound great. Keep it up. I'm with you, my prior doubts of AA are all but dissipating. Like everywhere else in life, it no doubt has it's challenging characters but in general, I believe, people really do care. I get amazed every time I receive a text that people are taking time out of their own 8 year sober busy life just to let me know they're thinking of me.

My Aunt and my PDoc are having a conversation at 5pm this evening. I so hope he picks up his phone as she is the total business woman, takes no prisoners. He thinks I should go home for six week. Rehab or home...........this is pretty much the conversation that is going to take place today.

I don't know when i'll hear the outcome. I can see both sides. I am very alone here on the other side of the world. Perhaps the money is better spent on a flight home for some nurturing. I haven't been home since Mum passed, I get lonelier and lonelier without her each day. I'd love to tell you it gets easier Shoes, but so far for me, it hasn't.

Now i'm really late for work.

Later and much love folks.
J x

Dee74

I'm glad you came right back Trachy

Life, whether you go home or go to rehab, eventually you're going to have to rely on yourself and the support network you'll put in place.

It kinda worries me I haven't heard you talk much about that yet?

Neither rehab or going home is the cure/solution here...both would be simply first steps to living sober.

If you think more about the second lifelong phase, that may help you decide between option A and option B now

D

Duffster

Hellllllllllooooooooo....where the heck is everybody??

Love the picture Toots! I'm dying to go whale watching - next time I'm up in New England it's a definite to do.

Life, how did the conversation between your aunt and doc go?