michaels_w

Hi all,

I've been having an issue, lately, that I wanted to talk about. I was wondering if anyone else has felt it themselves, and what they might have done.

Sometimes, I get feeling like my head is "upside down. I feel like I lose my bearings, where I can't even do simple things. Even prayer becomes a chore. I mean, I don't lose right from wrong, luckily. I just get feeling "messed up" in my head. Sometimes, I feel like I can't handle it.

The worst thing, probably, is when words come out of my mouth that I don't mean to say. My patience gets shorter and I'm just not myself. I'm truly not a mean person, but, sometimes, things just come out. I mean, it's nothing malicious, but it's not "me".

I think it's from having removed the chemical from my body. So, I know it's a temporary issue. Once the withdrawl stuff settles down more, I should be better. I just need to know how to handle it in the meantime.

Sometimes, I think I could just keep stuff in when I'm going through it. That way, I won't offend anyone. Then, I just wonder if I could just get it out another way. That's why I was asking about it here. If anyone has gone through this, what might be a good way to deal with it?

I appreciate you guys,

michaels

Noolan

Michaels, yes Ive had intermittent moments similar to those you describe. They lesson by the day(I'm on 35). They are in stark contrast to the moments when I've my brain firing on on cylinders. I think with time, it will start to progress towards the the latter of the two.

It's been a good week. The AV still pops it's in in random places, but the previous slips and the epic lows I've reached help to drown out the voice and allow me a reference point to know using again will not end in different results. I'm starting to feel like I'm turning the corner and embracing my sobriety. For example, last night I went out to eat with a friend. It was happy hour, so I had a large drink menu in front of me. Many of which were high end cocktails that sounded delicious. Not from an alcoholic point of view, but literal taste. After scanning the menu and seeing they didn't offer any exotic virgin choices, I went with an iced tea. The point is, in the past I looked at my inability to try these things as unfair or with jealousy; last night was different. While others around me can enjoy an alcoholic drink with their meal, I can't and it's ok. Because, my brain doesn't get the compliment of a tasty cocktail with a meal. That drink flips a switch in which alcohol then becomes the central focus. The appetizers and entrees become garnish too my addiction. Instead I got an iced tea and the enjoyment of conversation and amazing flavors of great appetizers and food. My senses aren't dulled and the whole experience is felt, tasted, and enjoyed on a different level.

I'd be lying if I didn't say I wish I could drink, I do. I've had plenty of amazing dinners with a nice buzz. Those moments of nostalgia are natural and it's ok to feel left out. However, those feelings are also ammunition to my AV. In the past I've let it be a hollow excuse that this time will be different; this time I will just have enough to compliment my dinner. I know now that those days are gone. Taking a step back, while those moments are great memories, they mean **** to the present. Alcohol doesn't lead to them anymore and it's time to accept that and live a life that's full of all the same moments, just without booze.

Hope that ramble made sense. Stay strong everyone!

michaels_w

Thank you Noolan.

It really helps to hear from someone who has progressed through it. I appreciate you taking the time to answer to this. It gives me added strength, that, I know, we can all use. You're the best.

Peace,

michaels

Hereandnow2

Michaels, I've had some similar feelings/ episodes. Day 46 here but find it hard to remember some words quickly, explain a story in a succinct manner ect. Earlier on I felt like I was in a daze, out of it, and tired. I do think it's getting better but really don't like when it happens! It makes me feel like an idiot! But I do think it can't be worse than the stuff I said while drunk!

rachelle77

Michaels, do I know what you mean! I was having a conversation with a friend the other day and I took a really long pause, hoping he'd think I was trying to search for the right word. But he got it. He asked if I had forgotten what I was talking about, and I did! Sure, that happens to the best of us on some "off" days, but this was something I was speaking passionately about, and my mind just went blank. I learned to laugh at myself when that happens. And to just be really super patient with myself because I know that my brain is still healing after 20 years of drinking.

I have heard that exercising helps some people with that, and I know it certainly helps me. Maybe it's just the thought that I'm getting my blood pumping, so my brain must be getting an extra surge of energy to help it. Maybe it's just the endorphins being released, but I do tend to feel a lot better.

I also have taken to eating better (okay, I do have my daily dessert!) and am trying to be consistent with taking a daily multi-vitamin. Again, I figure that it could only help my body mend after all the years of drinking and either not eating or eating the crummiest of foods.

I also have done some reading up on PAWS. That seems to speak the physiological changes our bodies go through as we work on building out days of sobriety.

Otherwise, I say to just be patient and gentle with yourself. I hope you can find some relief soon.

rachelle77

Oh! And keep posting about it! I'm sure you aren't the only experiencing this and sharing your experience is very helpful. I know it helped me to slow down and remind myself that healing is not an overnight process.

rachelle77

Hereandnow-- I have roughly the same amount of sober days as you, and I just found myself being incredibly bone tired this week. Have you experienced the coming and going of extreme fatigue? It alarmed me because just the week before I had more energy than I knew what to do with.

michaels_w

Thank you rachelle,

That's exactly what my confessor told me. He said, "baby steps". Also, like you said, activity helps. I try and eat right and stay hydrated, also. I guess, if I treat my body right, my mind should follow suit.

I appreciate the help. Thank you, again.

michaels

Hereandnow2

Rachel it's off and on for me too. I have been taking advantage of being able to sleep in and take naps!

Applekat

Happy Saturday friends. I hung in there last night. The sun, backyard.....felt something missing in my hand for a few moments there. So the kids and I had Popsicles.

Now to beat today.

I feel a cold coming on. And I am realizing how true it is that I could find almost any reason to drink....I used to joke to hubby that when I felt a sickness coming - we should get whiskey tonight instead of wine...that will help my throat/cough/whatever. Bleh!!

michaels_w

In my case, Applekat, I was seeking the chemical if the wind changed directions. Any excuse was sufficient. If I felt the slightest "twinge", it was game on.

I would even seek, even in anticipation of an issue. Then, I'd be like, "Oh, thank goodness I got that chemical on board". It's sick thinking, I know.

Had to share,

michaels

FaithfulAndFree

Hey All, I am writing you guys from the mall. I just had to share with you guys. As soon as I arrived to the mall and friend and I saw a half off sangria pitcher promotion.... Immediately we both sat down to take advantage. After waiting on the waitress I decided to not partake in the drink, so we left. And now that I've had that close call I'm on high alert. I just sat down to have a lemonade. I'm starting to see that whenever I get an oppurtunity to escape responsibilities and doing something enjoyable, that's when I feel the need to drink. It's never because I'm bored, lonely, etc.... It's actually the opposite.

Applekat

Well done EJM!!

Just checking in quick. Still sober. Day 10 technically. Saturday night. Tomorrow begins solo parenting for 5 days. So fun.

Noolan

I had planned to quit ecigs this weekend and am about 24 hours in. I've been a bit apathetic, had a few random moments of depression, and had a couple moments of irritability. All of these have been quite minor in comparison to my withdrawal from booze and benzos.

However, the volume of my AV seems to be on full blast all the sudden. Just had an extended fantasy of cracking open a bottle of wine I saw in the fridge. I've seen it multiple times the last two weeks and haven't even considered it, but just had to fight back my AV on a plan to drink it late tonight.

Good news is, I'm not going to act on that feeling. I'm stronger than this and it. Once I thought it through, like ok so you drink a bottle of wine, then what? What's that going to look like tomorrow? All for what? There's no positive outcomes beyond relief from minor nicotine withdrawal, which is completely silly. So I'm good and ready to wake up tomorrow sober and another day closer to reaching a milestone.(40 days has been the longest I've gone sober)

rachelle77

Good job in playing it all the way through, noolan! It is hard to learn how to ride out our cravings, but doing what you did is so helpful! I applaud your efforts!

Quitting something or changing a habit takes effort, and we must learn to build our muscles (whatever they may be) to combat our cravings/desires to see the change we want to be.

Anything else you can do to distract yourself from the craving? I once started to do jumping jacks right where I was standing to fend off the uncomfortable feeling of craving a cigarette. I'm prepared to also do that in regards to any drink cravings I may have. Whatever it takes because drinking is not an option!

Noolan

This is pretty simple, but I'm thinking about getting a necklace with my sobriety date on it. Something I can hold and keep around me just to remind me how long it's been. My relapses have been after periods of rationalization and distance from my past transgressions.

michaels_w

Good call Noolan,

I was talking to my Mrs. about getting a possible tattoo with my clean date. I'm sure the girls out there will know how that conversation went. Cut to today, and there's no tattoo.

You know, I like your idea better. We guys have to stick together. I'm going to run this one by her. Hopefully, when she hears about it, she won't tell it to keep running. (and me, with it).

Thanks for the tip, my brother. Oh, and I won't tell her that it was your idea. LOL.

Peace,

michaels

Applekat

Lots of good talk going on here!!

Nothing to report on my end. So begins day 11 for me. And I'm developing a nice summer cold just in time for hubby to leave today for his business trip and leave me solo with the two little ones for five days. Fab.

anattaboy

Brain fog and clumsiness have been my biggest annoyances for the past 5+weeks. Am building some shelves for a friend from AA and it is taking MUCH longer than planned (been a carpenter forever). Like everything else on this journey I get to be present for the experience and that is valuable ammo for my AV -- I would just prefer to be a whole lot more "together". Am still very satisfied with the life I have compared to 7 weeks ago-no regrets.

Applekat

Here's another good reminder of why we are all here trying to kick this....

I saw this book in the kids' section of the library while I was looking for potty training books.

I NEVER want my hubby to have to be reading something like this, or having any kind of related talk, with my kids, about me.