Class of April 2014 Part 3
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Ok, here is why I'm even more distressed today. I was already very deep in my head today anyway, just thinking a lot but in a good way. My posts this morning reflect that I think. It wasn't pleasant thoughts, but legit ones. Anyway. My mom is really bad with the drinking too, and a workaholic as well, a brutal combo. She is supposed to be taking Antabuse. My stepfather loves her very much and treats her like gold, but he and I don't really have a close relationship. We do get along tho. Between the two of us we try to make sure she is feeling/doing well and staying on her meds. We crush it up in water usually, but she gets confident again, and will say things like "I'm not a baby I can take it like an adult" and gets all frustrated. She does well for a month or so at a time, and then starts pocketing them in her mouth in prep for knowing she wants to drink. Well I posted she did that on Easter. The problem with her logic is that she is still getting a small dosage of Antabuse keeping it in her mouth for that short amount of time. She haven't been to work sense Easter. I came home early this morning before work and she was vomiting in the sink and stunk of wine. I don't even question/ask about it anymore cause I just know what the deal is, and she gets extremely aggressive if I bring it up. In the state that I am in right now this is just making even more sad. I worked my day and when I got back home she was even worse. She is alone in the house all day if she is not working and I can't babysit cause I work 2 jobs. My stepdad won't be home till late every night during the week because of work all the time. I have a 12 flight set of stairs in the house and she has fallen down the stairs and hurt herself bad before, when her blood sugar drops it's even worse. I have the same hypoglycemic issue also if I drink or not. It's so stressful for me because I know she's sad cause my dad killed himself so I don't get angry with her, even tho I want to scream my brains out. I'm just even more worried and anxious cause of this. I stopped looking to her for guidance because when she sobers up, she almost tries to play "catch up" in a way and is a complete hardass. I'm almost 30 and live my own life semi comfortably. I'm just so sad seeing this, and then I get put in the position where I have to dig around the house looking for bottles in the typical hiding spots, and I'm standing at the sink thinking about drinking it myself. Then, I wanna just leave, I have plenty of safe places where I can just vibe out and relax. My GFs parents love me to deth and let me hang there whenever I want. They feed me and take care of me better then my parents ever have. It's kinda sad, but not also. Thankful I have that at least. But then I feel guilty leaving and living my life, she holds me back with her problem wether she is aware of it or not. I'm driving in the car with images of her tumbling down the stairs again, and my girls place is a good 30/40 min drive from my place, not directly around the corner. I know family is everything, but this is really killing me inside, and making staying sober only that much harder. Thank you for listening. This isn't easy for me, I just feel numb, the same numb from drinking and I'm sober. It makes me really scared that I may not find happiness at all. Not even an excuse to drink cause that gets me nowhere. Just really afraid it's not there anymore. My mom is really sick and she can't be drinking. I'm just worried.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: IL
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Oh, ST, I'm so sorry that you're going through such a tough time with your mother. Truly breaks my heart to read 
I'm not in the same situation, but understand to a point, as my dad is and always has been an active alcoholic. He's starting to have various medical issues related to his drinking yet refuses to stop. While I don't live with him, I live in the same neighborhood so even if I try to ignore his phone calls (which I sometimes do because I know that there's the likelihood that he's either already drunk or looking for someone to drive him to buy beer since he hasn't had a license for as long as I can remember), he will many times just show up at my front door. With my husband and I both newly sober, his presence is more difficult to deal with now more than ever.
Regarding your situation, I think it's wonderful that you're able to acknowledge that you drinking because of the stress will do you no good. Your sobriety is of utmost importance and while you're definitely dealing with a difficult family situation, it's great that you can distinguish that drinking to cope is not a viable option.
I've really enjoyed your presence and posts on this thread and it's clear that all of us April classmates are rooting for you, so please just keep posting here through good and bad...hopefully it helps! You say that your girlfriend has a great family...is there any way you could move in with them for awhile,? I know you say it's a bit far distance-wise, but it may be worth it for your peace of mind.
I totally get the feelings of guilt involved if you leave your house for any length of time...I have similar feelings of guilt when I distance myself from my dad. I don't have any answers for this, just letting you know I understand that part completely. My husband thinks I should start attending Al-Anon in addition to AA and I'm starting I think he's right. What's crazy is I'm more scared to do that than I ever was to attend AA. I think it's because I only was a problem drinker for a handful of years and can remember a time when I was sober, so I know what sobriety is like and know that I want it. Whereas be lived my entire life with an alcoholic father...I don't know at all how to not enable his behaviors and plus my entire family helps him so to be the only one to put their foot down is scary.
Anyhow, I hope things get easier or at least easier to deal with. I'm think in' of ya, bud!
I'm not in the same situation, but understand to a point, as my dad is and always has been an active alcoholic. He's starting to have various medical issues related to his drinking yet refuses to stop. While I don't live with him, I live in the same neighborhood so even if I try to ignore his phone calls (which I sometimes do because I know that there's the likelihood that he's either already drunk or looking for someone to drive him to buy beer since he hasn't had a license for as long as I can remember), he will many times just show up at my front door. With my husband and I both newly sober, his presence is more difficult to deal with now more than ever.Regarding your situation, I think it's wonderful that you're able to acknowledge that you drinking because of the stress will do you no good. Your sobriety is of utmost importance and while you're definitely dealing with a difficult family situation, it's great that you can distinguish that drinking to cope is not a viable option.
I've really enjoyed your presence and posts on this thread and it's clear that all of us April classmates are rooting for you, so please just keep posting here through good and bad...hopefully it helps! You say that your girlfriend has a great family...is there any way you could move in with them for awhile,? I know you say it's a bit far distance-wise, but it may be worth it for your peace of mind.
I totally get the feelings of guilt involved if you leave your house for any length of time...I have similar feelings of guilt when I distance myself from my dad. I don't have any answers for this, just letting you know I understand that part completely. My husband thinks I should start attending Al-Anon in addition to AA and I'm starting I think he's right. What's crazy is I'm more scared to do that than I ever was to attend AA. I think it's because I only was a problem drinker for a handful of years and can remember a time when I was sober, so I know what sobriety is like and know that I want it. Whereas be lived my entire life with an alcoholic father...I don't know at all how to not enable his behaviors and plus my entire family helps him so to be the only one to put their foot down is scary.
Anyhow, I hope things get easier or at least easier to deal with. I'm think in' of ya, bud!
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Long Beach, NY
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Originally Posted by Mrsbee 
Oh, ST, I'm so sorry that you're going through such a tough time with your mother. Truly breaks my heart to read I'm not in the same situation, but understand to a point, as my dad is and always has been an active alcoholic. He's starting to have various medical issues related to his drinking yet refuses to stop. While I don't live with him, I live in the same neighborhood so even if I try to ignore his phone calls (which I sometimes do because I know that there's the likelihood that he's either already drunk or looking for someone to drive him to buy beer since he hasn't had a license for as long as I can remember), he will many times just show up at my front door. With my husband and I both newly sober, his presence is more difficult to deal with now more than ever. Regarding your situation, I think it's wonderful that you're able to acknowledge that you drinking because of the stress will do you no good. Your sobriety is of utmost importance and while you're definitely dealing with a difficult family situation, it's great that you can distinguish that drinking to cope is not a viable option. I've really enjoyed your presence and posts on this thread and it's clear that all of us April classmates are rooting for you, so please just keep posting here through good and bad...hopefully it helps! You say that your girlfriend has a great family...is there any way you could move in with them for awhile,? I know you say it's a bit far distance-wise, but it may be worth it for your peace of mind. I totally get the feelings of guilt involved if you leave your house for any length of time...I have similar feelings of guilt when I distance myself from my dad. I don't have any answers for this, just letting you know I understand that part completely. My husband thinks I should start attending Al-Anon in addition to AA and I'm starting I think he's right. What's crazy is I'm more scared to do that than I ever was to attend AA. I think it's because I only was a problem drinker for a handful of years and can remember a time when I was sober, so I know what sobriety is like and know that I want it. Whereas be lived my entire life with an alcoholic father...I don't know at all how to not enable his behaviors and plus my entire family helps him so to be the only one to put their foot down is scary. Anyhow, I hope things get easier or at least easier to deal with. I'm think in' of ya, bud!
I'm not in the same situation, but understand to a point, as my dad is and always has been an active alcoholic. He's starting to have various medical issues related to his drinking yet refuses to stop. While I don't live with him, I live in the same neighborhood so even if I try to ignore his phone calls (which I sometimes do because I know that there's the likelihood that he's either already drunk or looking for someone to drive him to buy beer since he hasn't had a license for as long as I can remember), he will many times just show up at my front door. With my husband and I both newly sober, his presence is more difficult to deal with now more than ever. Regarding your situation, I think it's wonderful that you're able to acknowledge that you drinking because of the stress will do you no good. Your sobriety is of utmost importance and while you're definitely dealing with a difficult family situation, it's great that you can distinguish that drinking to cope is not a viable option. I've really enjoyed your presence and posts on this thread and it's clear that all of us April classmates are rooting for you, so please just keep posting here through good and bad...hopefully it helps! You say that your girlfriend has a great family...is there any way you could move in with them for awhile,? I know you say it's a bit far distance-wise, but it may be worth it for your peace of mind. I totally get the feelings of guilt involved if you leave your house for any length of time...I have similar feelings of guilt when I distance myself from my dad. I don't have any answers for this, just letting you know I understand that part completely. My husband thinks I should start attending Al-Anon in addition to AA and I'm starting I think he's right. What's crazy is I'm more scared to do that than I ever was to attend AA. I think it's because I only was a problem drinker for a handful of years and can remember a time when I was sober, so I know what sobriety is like and know that I want it. Whereas be lived my entire life with an alcoholic father...I don't know at all how to not enable his behaviors and plus my entire family helps him so to be the only one to put their foot down is scary. Anyhow, I hope things get easier or at least easier to deal with. I'm think in' of ya, bud!
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Welcome comptnman, panacea, and chickchick 
Izzy - it's very common for us to try and rationalise our problem away, or at least it was for me.
I confused abstinence for control too many times to count.
If alcohol is not a great problem for us, we should be able to walk away and leave it, but we couldn't. We should be able to drink normally, be satisfied with one or two glasses and not obsess about it but we couldn't.
If it was a healthy relationship we wouldn't have to hide the evidence and keep things from our partners, but we did.
Sometimes I think thinking about labels or gradations of problems gets in the way of doing something about a problem.
If AA's not a good fit for you, why not explore other programmes?
here's some links to some of the main players:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...formation.html
I recommend you visit the Secular Connections forum if you think you may benefit from a non 12 step approach
D
Izzy - it's very common for us to try and rationalise our problem away, or at least it was for me.
I confused abstinence for control too many times to count.
If alcohol is not a great problem for us, we should be able to walk away and leave it, but we couldn't. We should be able to drink normally, be satisfied with one or two glasses and not obsess about it but we couldn't.
If it was a healthy relationship we wouldn't have to hide the evidence and keep things from our partners, but we did.
Sometimes I think thinking about labels or gradations of problems gets in the way of doing something about a problem.
If AA's not a good fit for you, why not explore other programmes?
here's some links to some of the main players:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...formation.html
I recommend you visit the Secular Connections forum if you think you may benefit from a non 12 step approach
D
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ST being the Sober Police for anyone is a hard place to be and a great weight to bear - being that for your mom can only be so much harder.
Have you thought of posting in our Family and Friends forums, or thought about AlAnon at all?
D
Have you thought of posting in our Family and Friends forums, or thought about AlAnon at all?
D
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 801
ST, I think it's so true that sometimes the best way to help someone you love is by first helping yourself.
Dee, I'm glad you chimed in on my story. I honestly didn't think I was rationalizing- just trying to make sense if it all. A sweet gentlemen gave me a copy of the aa book last nite. I stayed up looking thru it and trying to find a story like my own. I couldn't find one so I wondered if I might be overreacting. I mean it when I say that I'm just trying to figure this out. Your input is very helpful. Thank you.
Dee, I'm glad you chimed in on my story. I honestly didn't think I was rationalizing- just trying to make sense if it all. A sweet gentlemen gave me a copy of the aa book last nite. I stayed up looking thru it and trying to find a story like my own. I couldn't find one so I wondered if I might be overreacting. I mean it when I say that I'm just trying to figure this out. Your input is very helpful. Thank you.
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Originally Posted by Dee74
ST being the Sober Police for anyone is a hard place to be and a great weight to bear - being that for your mom can only be so much harder. Have you thought of posting in our Family and Friends forums, or thought about AlAnon at all? D
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It took me a while to realise I have a lot in common with everyone here, and with that homeless bum who hangs out by the jetty....I was drinking all day everyday and still thinking it was a phase...
I knew I was an alcoholic but I hadn't accepted it yet if that makes sense?
I'm not casting any aspersions on your story or your journey Izzy - just hoping something in my story might help?
D
I knew I was an alcoholic but I hadn't accepted it yet if that makes sense?
I'm not casting any aspersions on your story or your journey Izzy - just hoping something in my story might help?
D
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Join Date: Mar 2014
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Izzy, just a thought, but is there maybe an AA meeting that you can get to that is predominately women? I agree with Dee that at the bottom of it all of us who struggle with addiction have lots in common, but I also know that there are parts of my struggle that the rough, tough, hard-core smokin' alcoholic men just can't relate to in the same way that middle-aged alcoholic moms who cook and clean and chauffeur and love their kids like crazy can.
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Originally Posted by izzy8
ST, I think it's so true that sometimes the best way to help someone you love is by first helping yourself. Dee, I'm glad you chimed in on my story. I honestly didn't think I was rationalizing- just trying to make sense if it all. A sweet gentlemen gave me a copy of the aa book last nite. I stayed up looking thru it and trying to find a story like my own. I couldn't find one so I wondered if I might be overreacting. I mean it when I say that I'm just trying to figure this out. Your input is very helpful. Thank you.
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Island Park , NY
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Solitary Thinker, I don't know if I told you my dad died at 62 from this thing we have and I get worried from time to time if i'm only 3 1/2 years from the same fate? I hope not but I still am not going to drown the thoughts. I feel for your situation as my mom is 94 , she has alzheimers and fell down the stairs a few months ago at my sisters' where she lives. They fixed her physically but my sister goes crazy as she works and has her husband (Podiatrist) that just got a knee replacement and it got terribly infected! Glad they don't drink or they'd be in a world of hurt, worse than they are! Stay Strong and Well ! Bobby
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Originally Posted by Amazingglazier
Solitary Thinker, I don't know if I told you my dad died at 62 from this thing we have and I get worried from time to time if i'm only 3 1/2 years from the same fate? I hope not but I still am not going to drown the thoughts. I feel for your situation as my mom is 94 , she has alzheimers and fell down the stairs a few months ago at my sisters' where she lives. They fixed her physically but my sister goes crazy as she works and has her husband (Podiatrist) that just got a knee replacement and it got terribly infected! Glad they don't drink or they'd be in a world of hurt, worse than they are! Stay Strong and Well ! Bobby
....you def know the anxiety linked along with that...thank you pal, and everyone else...you guys are all the best, as well as all the newcomers as well! Thanks again for open ears and hearts <3
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Getting it off my chest made me feel better already, I can't talk to people about this, with the sensitive nature of it all as well as the lack of being able to relate with me....this is incredibly healthy for me
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Actually, the reason I have gone 4 times is bc I really like the people in this aa group. I've enjoyed that group more in the few times I've been there/ felt more like I "fit in" than I do sitting on the front row at church where everyone hides behind their shiny and new.
It's also a pretty diverse group.
Part of my issue is with the "hi, I'm an alcoholic", indefinitely. Which I will say if I believe it's true. Which is why I told my story(not easy). Like I keep saying, I'm still new to recovery and so I'm still learning- much from you.
My question wasn't, "Am I as bad as the people in this book." My question is, "Am I really an alcoholic?", and if so, "What do I do?". For the sake of not only myself, but thinking about what this means for all I have left, my husband and children, "What the ---- do I do?!?"
Last nite, I watched as a newly recovering addict/alcoholic(much like myself), confused and in tears, was embraced by another woman who has recovered from a lifestyle that left her homeless. After that, this previously "homeless" woman spoke a message of hope for this new girl to hear.
It was one of the most powerful things I've ever seen. It left me with hope for my own life in many ways.
That "homeless" woman ... my hero.
I just want to chose: when and what I tell my children/ how they're involved; what I call myself; how often I come to meetings, etc.
That's been my issue.
Thanks guys. It's all a journey. Thankful to be on it with you.
It's also a pretty diverse group.
Part of my issue is with the "hi, I'm an alcoholic", indefinitely. Which I will say if I believe it's true. Which is why I told my story(not easy). Like I keep saying, I'm still new to recovery and so I'm still learning- much from you.
My question wasn't, "Am I as bad as the people in this book." My question is, "Am I really an alcoholic?", and if so, "What do I do?". For the sake of not only myself, but thinking about what this means for all I have left, my husband and children, "What the ---- do I do?!?"
Last nite, I watched as a newly recovering addict/alcoholic(much like myself), confused and in tears, was embraced by another woman who has recovered from a lifestyle that left her homeless. After that, this previously "homeless" woman spoke a message of hope for this new girl to hear.
It was one of the most powerful things I've ever seen. It left me with hope for my own life in many ways.
That "homeless" woman ... my hero.
I just want to chose: when and what I tell my children/ how they're involved; what I call myself; how often I come to meetings, etc.
That's been my issue.
Thanks guys. It's all a journey. Thankful to be on it with you.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
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Powerful stuff everyone, seriously.
ST- I can imagine not drinking in your place. You are carrying a serious weight, so keep it up!
Well today was quite an interesting day. I decided to start my last day off(I had time off for a vacation I cancelled) by going to a random AA meeting. I'm agnostic, so there are many aspects of AA I don't subscribe to. To each their own, I'm not being critical, rather just explaining my point of view for the context of this story. The reason I like AA is the same reason I love SR; it's a place to speak with those struggling with the same thing I am. So I've attended 3 meetings, including this one and really enjoy the sharing and community of it. This meeting was quite different than the previous two I went to, I won't go into too much detail, but it was full of prayer and the more than one of those in attendance seemed quite opinionated on defining sober and the ONLY way to succeed was their individual method. Anyways, lesson learned. I've found one meeting I really enjoy and now have one I will not return to. Yin/Yang.
This evening I decided to grab dinner with some friends. Circumstances led to us carpooling and I volunteered to drive. Might as well, being I'm the sober one, right? Well, both my friends smoke weed and asked if they could smoke in my car. I was fine with this, so I told them it was ok. We got to dinner, everyone drank but me. Oddly enough, I felt fine. The conversation and dinner with my friends was great. A strong urge to drink or smoke never came over me. The friends that rode out with me caught a ride home with another friend, so I had a nice drive home to reflect on the evening.
The drive and now sitting here typing this out makes me realize, I'm capable of night out with out using. Honestly, tonight wouldn't have any better if I had drank. Sure an IPA with my pizza would have been great; I truly enjoy the flavors of many beers. The problem is, once I have one, there's no telling when/if I will stop. My drive home could easily be one I don't remember. So, I'm going to try and hold on to this feeling. Everything negative in my life right now I can attribute to booze, everything. What once was an innocent social lubricant or means to enhance life(I've been to quite a few music festivals ) is not that case anymore. I'm an addict and the ability to release in that manner is gone. However, I know from the concert I went to sober two weeks ago or a night out with friends, life is worth living, remembering, and celebrating. It's just "celebrating" is no longer a euphemism for using; it's my term for sobriety. Now if I could only bottle this feeling up and take a pull like I could whiskey, I'd be set. We. Can. Do. This.
ST- I can imagine not drinking in your place. You are carrying a serious weight, so keep it up!
Well today was quite an interesting day. I decided to start my last day off(I had time off for a vacation I cancelled) by going to a random AA meeting. I'm agnostic, so there are many aspects of AA I don't subscribe to. To each their own, I'm not being critical, rather just explaining my point of view for the context of this story. The reason I like AA is the same reason I love SR; it's a place to speak with those struggling with the same thing I am. So I've attended 3 meetings, including this one and really enjoy the sharing and community of it. This meeting was quite different than the previous two I went to, I won't go into too much detail, but it was full of prayer and the more than one of those in attendance seemed quite opinionated on defining sober and the ONLY way to succeed was their individual method. Anyways, lesson learned. I've found one meeting I really enjoy and now have one I will not return to. Yin/Yang.
This evening I decided to grab dinner with some friends. Circumstances led to us carpooling and I volunteered to drive. Might as well, being I'm the sober one, right? Well, both my friends smoke weed and asked if they could smoke in my car. I was fine with this, so I told them it was ok. We got to dinner, everyone drank but me. Oddly enough, I felt fine. The conversation and dinner with my friends was great. A strong urge to drink or smoke never came over me. The friends that rode out with me caught a ride home with another friend, so I had a nice drive home to reflect on the evening.
The drive and now sitting here typing this out makes me realize, I'm capable of night out with out using. Honestly, tonight wouldn't have any better if I had drank. Sure an IPA with my pizza would have been great; I truly enjoy the flavors of many beers. The problem is, once I have one, there's no telling when/if I will stop. My drive home could easily be one I don't remember. So, I'm going to try and hold on to this feeling. Everything negative in my life right now I can attribute to booze, everything. What once was an innocent social lubricant or means to enhance life(I've been to quite a few music festivals
) is not that case anymore. I'm an addict and the ability to release in that manner is gone. However, I know from the concert I went to sober two weeks ago or a night out with friends, life is worth living, remembering, and celebrating. It's just "celebrating" is no longer a euphemism for using; it's my term for sobriety. Now if I could only bottle this feeling up and take a pull like I could whiskey, I'd be set. We. Can. Do. This.
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All those things don't need to worked out today Izzy
Today all you I and everyone else on this thread needs to do is stay sober
I didn't know the answers to a lot of things, but I stayed sober and I grew - most of the answers I worked out in time...I found new questions to answer tho LOL
I think of my recovery as a journey.
Someone once said to me, when I was agonising over stuff very much like this...
'what if you're right where you need to be, right now?'
It blew my mind - and looking back, they were absolutely right
D
Today all you I and everyone else on this thread needs to do is stay sober
I didn't know the answers to a lot of things, but I stayed sober and I grew - most of the answers I worked out in time...I found new questions to answer tho LOL
I think of my recovery as a journey.
Someone once said to me, when I was agonising over stuff very much like this...
'what if you're right where you need to be, right now?'
It blew my mind - and looking back, they were absolutely right
D
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