JL2014

I keep reading that alcohol causes depression, so I'm thinking that I'm just depressive from the drinking episode. I don't know. Just down on the whole picture. Gotta get the chin up. Gonna find an AA book to read online. Never actually done that.

JL2014

Been reading 12 steps. Never done any of that before. Depressive earlier today, but I read that alcohol cause depression. Don't know if not drinking for a period of time, then drinking makes that worse. Got to educate myself on how to stop drinking forever. Feel kinda stupid that it's so hard for me. Gonna read up on this. It's gonna stick one way or the other.

Dee74

In the past have you just been trying not to drink JL?
Maybe something more structured - even if it's only posting here at least once a day might help?

Doing the steps is a great idea too

D

trudgingagain

Did you read the posting on "kindling", JL?

JL2014

No. Is it on here or some other thread?

Dee74

I know theres a current discussion somewhere but this is one I have bookmarked JL
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...lly-again.html
D

Dee74

Here's the more recent thread:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ng-effect.html

JL2014

Wow. That really is what's going on ! Thanks for posting those links. I wondered why I've been experiencing these intensely magnified symptoms, since I've actually consumed a small fraction of the alcohol I used to slosh back. Concrete reason to keep in the front of my mind until one say I hope I'll go through a day without thinking of booze. Realization that I think about it a lot, testifies to the fact that I've stayed in the dark about this for years, maybe hiding from the fact that I'm an alcoholic.

Well, not anymore ! Thank you again for that link.

DoubleDragons

JL, the book that made the most sense to me to get me to want to quit drinking for good was Jason Vale's Kick the Drink . . . . Easily. It really appealed to my logical side of why drinking is just stupid and how duped that we all have been!

Also, it really helped me to take care of my body by eating right aned exercising. When I really started focusing on taking better care of my health, it became glaringly obvious that drinking should not be part of that plan.

I am still in the throes of getting organized from moving. It is so hard to remember where I put things so I spend more time looking for things than anything. :P We are still responsible for two homes so that is nerve wracking, especially since our original landlord is a looney tune. We turn the keys back to her on Friday. I can't wait!!

fishoutawatta

Mornin' Tobers,

Interesting thread on "kindling" -- I'd not heard of it. Kinda scary!

I'm heading off to Portland to take care of my mom's taxes and other "little old lady" chores. Don't know how often I'll be able to check in with my SR family - I'll try as often as I can! But know I'm thinking of you!

Fishy

Bilr44

JL, I still think of booze on a daily basis, mostly because of reading in here. It is good to read other posts in here and all the different levels of struggle that go on. There a lot of posts that are a great reminder of what I don't want to go back to. When I look back, I did not really like myself very much while in the midst of drinking. There were internal struggles going on within me on a daily basis. My wife told me I used to walk and curse like a sailor in my sleep. A big weight gets lifted from your conscious when you stop drinking. I knew it was wrong but my AV would justify reasons to keep drinking.

DD, my wife's theory is to get everything out of boxes as soon as possible. It makes the house a mess but forces you to either find the proper place or get rid of it. We had a lot more storage at our house in PA, so we ended up saving stuff we didn't really need. We had the Salvation Army come with a big truck to haul away stuff.

LittleSparrow

Thanks for posting the threads on kindling. Now I understand why my hangovers were getting longer and worse physically and mentally - because they were actually withdrawals. I don't want to go back there. I know that if I started drinking again, I'd get to the point where I'd want to stop again, as I've done over and over (almost always in October, at the end of summer drinking and an autumn binge when I'm feeling awful about myself). For the sake of my health, I can't afford to go through another withdrawal with this kindling effect. Another good thing for me to keep in mind.

WhoDey

Mornin' Tobers. I hope everyone is doing well on this lovely day. I say "lovely" because (a) the sun is shining and (b) the temperature is supposed to climb into the 50s today! Woot. Won't last, however, as we plunge back into the teens beginning tomorrow. Oh well. One day at a time, right?!

Reflection and I share a sobriety date and we will be celebrating 4 months sober tomorrow. Way to go Reflection! Feels good don't it?

JL ... I'm sorry to see you struggle, but I can see that you are reaching a new level of understanding regarding your relationship with alcohol. Looking back, I can see that those struggles were difficult yet necessary in order to make progress. You are becoming wiser. I wish there was a shortcut, but I suspect there is not.

Things are so much easier today than in the earliest days of sobriety. I sometimes wish I could enjoy a drink, but I no longer wish to get drunk ... and I know that's where that solitary drink would lead.

Maybe we need to reach a point where it is no longer worth it to us to drink. Where even our alcoholic brains can see that the negatives far outweigh the positives. I'm only at 4 months, but I feel so much more secure and comfortable in my sobriety than last time. Back then, I harbored thoughts of being a moderate drinker after having broken the habit of excessive consumption. We all know how that ends. This time I accept that moderation isn't an option and, truth be told, it's not a big deal. I was placing way too much significance on drinking ... that I had to be able to drink in moderation to be normal ... to experience life like everyone else. That simply isn't true.

My relationships have all improved. Every single one. If not in the eyes of everyone else, at least in my eyes because I am no longer hiding a dark secret. I can be fully present and authentic in all that I do.

I'm also much healthier. Weighed this morning and I'm down 20 pounds (177 rather than 197) since getting sober.

The choice now is rather clear to me. A life of physical, mental, and spiritual health versus a diminished life of shame. That's how it feels to me anyway on this beautiful day.

Stay strong Tobers! Spring is coming when all things are renewed. I think we know a bit about that ...

trudgingagain

Nice post WD! and congrats to you and reflection for 4 months!!! Yes, I have lost a lot of weight too....who knew???? The kindling effect definitely rang true for me as well...just got worse and worse...Moderation was always in the back of my mind....not any more....just not worth it. I really enjoy the "new normal"...just feels right....keep on goin' DD....almost done! And....Billr...that's a good idea about unpacking everything....except when I did it I HAD to put things away IMMEDIATELY, so now, I kinda wish I hadn't done that....I am finding that a different "arrangement" or location of items would have been "better"....ah well....too lazy to change it now...lol...

Bilr44

Hola Tobers,

Speaking of health, I looked at my fitness app and saw that I have gone to the gym 16 times so so far in February. I like to take 1 or 2 days off a week from it though. The funny thing is that I haven't dropped a pound. I know the old saying that muscle weighs more than fat but I thought I might drop a couple pounds, especially with not the added drinking calories.

WhoDey

Exercise and weight loss can be a funny thing at times. My engineer brain thinks it should be as simple as In - Out = Accumulation, but it seems more complicated. There are times when I exercise my butt off, watch what I eat and my weight doesn't budge. Then there are other times when the pounds seemingly fall off with minimal effort.

I'm convinced that I hit certain plateaus where holding steady is a reasonable goal. Just keep doing the right things like going to the gym and watching your calorie intake and everything will take care of itself.

Bilr ... Consistency is so critical. Awesome job in hitting the gym on a regular basis. Keep it up!

trudgingagain

Wow...just got off of the phone with a VERY dear friend....has been in total denial for years about alcoholism....just told me that mcv is 111 and received a letter from a doc concerned about her drinking. Her mom is dying right now (she is 94) so my friend is really struggling, but she just wants to ignore the whole thing.....I did some web searching and see that this seems to be an indicator of liver disease.....wow.....

Driver1

Umm, WhoDey...this is copyright infringement. I demand restitution as you did not have expressed written consent to post my thoughts.

LOL bud...seriously, so nice to know we have kindred spirits out there.

Congrats on 4 months; you too reflection! And so glad you both joined us in this adventure.

JL, keep working friend, may not seem it in person, but your sentiments read like your making thoughtful insights into sobriety and what it means to you. This is progress.

Safe travels Fishy.

Way to be Sparrow! You too Bilr.

Trudging, so sad on your friend. I know, heck we all know, so hard to MAKE that moment of clarity. Can you help?

Sorry so quick Tobers, out of town for weekend but grabbed hot minute to check in with mi amigos.

trudgingagain

Thanks for the thoughts, Driver...we have know each other for about 30 years....she knows my history of years of sobriety and about this time too.....just keeps fighting the "morality" of calling herself alcoholic. We cannot change what we cannot accept, unfortunately...

Bilr44

WhoDey and Reflection, congrats on hitting the 4 month mark. Keep on truckin'.

Trudging, I understand completely about your friends reluctance to embrace the A word, no matter what. I was in denial for years and still don't really know what made me just quit. I guess enough was enough. She is going through a rough time with her mom, so maybe after that is all over she will take care of herself.