Notices

Class of October 2013 - Part 9

Old 02-06-2014, 03:38 PM
  # 41 (permalink)  
Member
 
DoubleDragons's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 2,805
Thanks, guys. Being women, drinking isn't really the point of the trip. The best parts for us are sitting in our pjs all day catching up on our lives, being support for each other (one lady is going through a divorce.), etc. These are women who I have known and loved since I was 18, so I absolutely plan to go. Drinks have always been part of the trip, however and I have always been the biggest drinker of the group. Honestly, admitting I quit drinking will be way too much of a focus and not something I think I feel comfortable delving into at this point. I will probably come up with an excuse such as some kind of training or health thing before I go. I will figure it out the closer I get to the trip with your support and a lot of praying.
DoubleDragons is offline  
Old 02-06-2014, 04:18 PM
  # 42 (permalink)  
Administrator
Thread Starter
 
Dee74's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,043
I think it would be a mistake not to tell people beforehand. You don't need to make a big deal of it - the A word need not be used...but if you say nothing you'll find yourself in drinking situations and no escape.

Do you think maybe that part of you that thinks maybe you could/might drink might also be holding on to your tongue, DD?

I have to be honest - unless you're really committed to your recovery, this is not a trip I'd make.

I realise that bites - sometimes it's not easy negotiating life and recovery....but I really don't think we have to make it harder - y'know?

D
Dee74 is offline  
Old 02-06-2014, 06:20 PM
  # 43 (permalink)  
Member
 
reflection's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 465
DD - That is a hard position to be in. I don't know what I would do either... and would probably decide soon before the trip based on how "strong" I'm feeling in my sobriety. I have to travel for work at the end of this month and will meet-up with some old friends. I think I'll only tell them if it comes up and make sure I have water or soda water in-hand, a security blanket of sorts.

It's so easy to slip back into it. And amazing how persuasive that voice can be.
reflection is offline  
Old 02-06-2014, 06:26 PM
  # 44 (permalink)  
Member
 
Driver1's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: South East US
Posts: 426
University of Florida Gator three times over here! Go Gators!

Cindy, really great stuff. I love your positivity.

Fishy, yup, bummer on the slips, but nice job staying with us and continuing to work.

DD, I agree with others...I think I'd be up front and tell about your sobriety. You mention that the weekend is not all about drinking, so already a crack in the door. You also mention that you were the biggest drinker...maybe some others in your group really could care less about drinking, but that was not noticed by your old self? door opens wider? Finally, you are with great friend...I'm guessing there will be plenty of fun and great conversation to be had with or without the drink. Door is fully open. Just walk through it with little fanfare and enjoy everything else the weekend has to offer.
Driver1 is offline  
Old 02-06-2014, 06:41 PM
  # 45 (permalink)  
Member
 
Driver1's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: South East US
Posts: 426
Originally Posted by WhoDey View Post
I'm asking because I know from past attempts at sobriety that slips are not singular events, but more of a process. This feels like I'm in the process stream that could lead me to a slip. Looking for ways to reset myself.
Originally Posted by reflection View Post
Who - I can't give you perspective for more than 3.5 months because, as you know, we're on the same sober timetable...but I can say I'm having similar thoughts. Mine generally aren't strong enough to start up again, but now I find myself having to be even more thoughtful about the situations I put myself in, especially with things like meeting friends at certain places and grocery shopping.

You've described what goes on really well and I've thought about this some as my own urges have come up. For me it feels like the former - heavy lifting is done, I can relax a bit. I'm realizing, though, it's that relaxation that may get me into some hot water. I don't mind the vigilance so much, it keeps me accountable and in-check...I'm a bit of a control freak about some stuff, so it probably feeds that need a bit (I'll take it!).

Thanks for bringing up that topic.
I've not experienced these thoughts to this point. But early on I questioned mi Tobers about relapse. We had a very thoughtful (and seasoned) teammate - SarahLanter - who provided the following response. Perhaps Gorski may have some insights that will help you "reset" WhoDey. Stay strong guys.

Sarah: Driver 1, relapse is a tricky thing. After 4 1/2 years of sobriety I went out. First, just by finishing someone else's glass of wine. And my thoughts and feelings about AA began to change. Terence Gorski, who specializes in relapse prevention, says that relapse happens weeks before the first drink. That is my personal experience and observing other people.
Driver1 is offline  
Old 02-06-2014, 06:53 PM
  # 46 (permalink)  
Member
 
Driver1's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: South East US
Posts: 426
Originally Posted by WhoDey View Post
This is my only form of support, so all of you get to see all of the dirty laundry!
Originally Posted by reflection View Post
It's my only support, too - here's to piling on (and airing out) that laundry!
Air it all out Tobers.

One thing I've learned/knew(!) about being an alcoholic is that we are very tricky people. We hide a lot of things for ulterior motives. Many of these things seemingly are small, especially to the casual observer. Yet they are in fact HUGE minutiae (paradox!) that help perpetuate our drinking.

Read: The devil is in the details. Get em out. Good for the sober soul.

We're here to help you process. Nothing too small; nothing too big (thank you Dee for helping me realize this).
Driver1 is offline  
Old 02-06-2014, 06:55 PM
  # 47 (permalink)  
Administrator
Thread Starter
 
Dee74's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,043
Originally Posted by WhoDey View Post
Question for those of you with more sober time than myself. I'm at approximately 3.5 months.

Early on, I'd have relatively intense cravings which I would urge-surf until they passed. Over time, these cravings diminished significantly.

Recently, I've been having not intense cravings, but more of low-level "gee, it would be nice to sip one drink" type of thoughts. Difficult for me to describe, but I'm wondering if it's due to either boredom with sobriety (the heavy lifting is done and I can take a breather) or just being worn down by being constantly vigilant.

I'm still urge-surfing, but it feels different because I'm not riding an intense urge ... more of a low-level want/desire.

That probably makes no sense ... but it does make sense to me that "urges" at 3.5 months will be different than urges at one week.

Edited to add: I'm asking because I know from past attempts at sobriety that slips are not singular events, but more of a process. This feels like I'm in the process stream that could lead me to a slip. Looking for ways to reset myself.
Originally Posted by WhoDey View Post
Reflection ... like you, my urges aren't strong enough that I'm worried about drinking immediately, but I can feel a process in motion that could end that way.
WhoDey (and reflection and DD and anyone else feeling a little wobbly) first off I think it's completely normal to question whether you're an alcoholic at some point.

Time really does heal all wounds...we do forget the pain and the struggle, and we can tend to mistake a long period of abstinence for control.

Add to that basic human nature - noone likes to be different...and you're slap bang in one of the recovery speed bumps we all face.

If my own experience can help - nothing changes...if you go back and have that drink, all the stuff that used to happen when you drank will happen again...you may have a period of grace (I used to call it setting me up for the sucker punch) but things will return to the bad old days pretty quickly .

Re-reading old posts is good for grounding yourself and reminding you why you started this journey in the first place.

If that's not enough, I think action then centres on two main points - support - do you have enough?
are you using the support you have enough or in the right way?...

and two..changes - has your life changed in any other meaningful ways?
are you still living your drinker life?
are there changes you can make to ensure your life is more recovery - friendly?

it's really good that some of you are feeling the slip before you get out of your depth - many times I didn't and I went walking. whistling, innocently right into the quicksand.

You guys are doing it right

D
Dee74 is offline  
Old 02-06-2014, 07:03 PM
  # 48 (permalink)  
Member
 
Driver1's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: South East US
Posts: 426
BTW Double, my "door" in earlier post was door to continuing sobriety (not door to Happy Hour!)
Driver1 is offline  
Old 02-06-2014, 08:20 PM
  # 49 (permalink)  
Member
 
Driver1's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: South East US
Posts: 426
Battle with Citizens Insurance is in the books! Victory Tobers!! Please allow me to gloat!!!

Wife and I own the house next door. We rent it. Like mine, built in 1948 with some cool hardwood floors throughout.

End of August tenant reports something "funny" going on with floors. I inspect and find nonpressurized pipe (i.e., drain out) busted in crawl space below house (likely caused by plumber month before when used a cable machine to clear a kitchen sink stoppage). Any rate, bust caused increasing water saturation in ground where water eventually evaporates and gets absobed by subfloor above and then hardwood floors...mini disaster. Slats crown (not so bad), cup (not so bad), and tent (bad).

Citizens denies claim under premise that: "result of constant or repeated seepage or leakage of water which occurs over a period of time and not the result of a single occurrence".

I get it, but how frickin vague is that?

I'll bet there are at least a few who walk away ("oh well') while companies laugh way to bank. That doesn't seem right. I mean, isn't this what insurance is for?

I asked for mediation. Been preparing my docs/pictures/estimates for months.

Meeting:

Me: Umm, what is "constant"? it's not a pressurized pipe, so technically it's not constant.

What is a "period of time"? I could pick my nose for a 5 second period of time. The triassic era of dinosaurs is a period of time. (BTW, my examples were far more diplomatic in meeting, but y'all get the point).

"single occurrence"? seems like a pipe breaking is a single occurrence to me.

Mediator appreciated "persuasive and organized" argument (thank you very much).

Insurance company settled. For more than cost to complete job (I've actually already completed the job but just decided to leave that out at meeting cuase did not want to tip my hand).

I probably could have pushed for cost of complete tear out, but that's just not necessary. I am not greedy. Just wanted restoration. Fact is, I like the look of these old, seasoned floors. Repair, sand, stain, and poly and they pop throughout.

This is one of a small handful of "post-quit", but hoped "pre-baby" tasks that did not get done (out of my control obviously). But done now! Man I'm glad this one is over. It really took a lot of time orchestrating. So glad to have that couple slivers of bandwidth back!

If you are still reading, thanks for letting me revel Tobers.

Babies!
Driver1 is offline  
Old 02-07-2014, 04:26 AM
  # 50 (permalink)  
Member
 
DoubleDragons's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 2,805
Congratulations, Driver! That has to feel wonderful!
DoubleDragons is offline  
Old 02-07-2014, 04:39 AM
  # 51 (permalink)  
Member
 
Bilr44's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,329
Yeah Driver, you won one for the little guy. Wow, so many posts to comment on here.

The one question stands out from Dee, am I still living the drinker life? If that means am I doing everything in my life the same except not drinking that would be a no. In the beginning of sobriety that would have been a yes. Taking my Spanish classes has really been good for my mind and gives me something to really make me have to think. Painting my house is the opposite, it gives me time to meditate, daydream, and just generally relax the mind. But, that being said, just keeping yourself busy so you don't drink is not a great approach either. We all need to take some time daily for our sobriety as that is still our number one goal. I know that if I were to start drinking, eventually all of the above would start falling apart, as would my life.
Bilr44 is offline  
Old 02-07-2014, 05:10 AM
  # 52 (permalink)  
Member
 
trudgingagain's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 1,443
Great postings! Congrats, Driver! That is really how I feel about our battle with the EDD over payroll taxes....EXCEPT....in order to make this go away, our attorney drafted a letter to the court saying that we withdraw the hearing and we CONCEDE that we owe the money and that the timelines are correct. What a bunch of BS that just sticks in my craw....but, hey, the statute of limitations has passed, so....I guess "What difference does it make?" I do get stuck on the principle of things. Gathering documents for my meeting with the University Provost....I think I definitely "got 'em"....this, too, is about principle. As for doing something differently now....well, for me, EVERYTHING is different. I don't pop a beer in the morning, I am busy all day, I am definitely more productive....and lately, I have been exploring DIY projects! Never would have happened before. Either would have drank the day/night away....and then hired someone to do whatever...or just done nothing at all. DD....I totally get it about the girls' weekend...although it seems you may have a "rep to live up to". Might be tough not to drink....after all....no one will know.....Just have a good excuse (like "I don't drink anymore"...lol) and/or an escape plan if things get dicey....and, remember, we are all here (on weekends, too!)
trudgingagain is offline  
Old 02-07-2014, 07:59 AM
  # 53 (permalink)  
Member
 
fishoutawatta's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: CO
Posts: 324
Trudging and Bilr . . . you "struck a nerve" with the comment about DIY projects. DD (and Dee) asked about "a plan" (i.e., if I had one). I know from my past experience that if I have a lot of good things to do, I'm less likely to let the bad situations drive me to drink. Good things include participating in forums (such as SR), but also things that make the house look better, and other things that will give me joy. If they are engaging enough, and I have something ELSE to quench my thirst, I don't miss the alcohol. So my challenge is to fill my spare hours with those kinds of good things!

On to Day 2.

Fishy
fishoutawatta is offline  
Old 02-07-2014, 08:31 AM
  # 54 (permalink)  
Member
 
LittleSparrow's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Midwest
Posts: 429
Trudging and Driver, just PHEW!! I'm so relieved for you with your cases. You went through it sober with great diligence and came through with flying colors. Way to go!

DD, just a thought about the girls trip. You've known these women for a long time and I'm sure you've all come through a lot with each other's support. I'll bet that if you just mention you're not drinking anymore, you'll be surprised by the support you get from them. They won't think you're weird, that you're a problem, or that you can't be a part of the group if you aren't drinking. Bring along something fun to drink (I usually go with cranberry and seltzer with a lime wedge, Izze soda, or San Pellegrino, flavored or plain) and I don't think you'll feel out of place at all. If you say it kind of casually to them, they will know not to bring you an alcoholic drink. If you don't want to talk about it with them, just say so and change the subject. I'm sure they'll be happy to support you, though, because that's your group's dynamic. You're lucky to have a group of women like that. You'll have so much fun, and no hangovers!

WD, you put into words exactly what I've been feeling lately at 3.5 months. I don't want to drink, but I feel the urgency of staying sober wearing off and that scares me. I know I can't go back and I don't want to when I think about how awful it was, but I'm worried that one time I'll forget how important it is and I'll slip. Dee's suggestion to go back and look at our old posts is good. I will plan on doing that over the weekend. I need a reminder so I keep my head in the game.
LittleSparrow is offline  
Old 02-07-2014, 08:38 AM
  # 55 (permalink)  
Member
 
trudgingagain's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 1,443
I am really getting in to this DIY thing...but....I am soooo obsessive....and usually quite extravagant (think: buy it now and worry about how to pay for it later!) So, historically, I just buy what I want. I think being in a rental house, AND in Costa Rica has changed that somewhat. I would like a rug for our living area and I am thinking about sewing 4 mats together (they are all the same), and match perfectly with our recently purchased (what a deal! couches) VERSUS....paying a few hundred dollars for a full size rug for the room, that....BTW...I have spent 3 days hunting for and JUST FOUND! Decisions...decisions....(I found the idea of sewing the mats together on Pintrest....someone sewed together beach towels to make a great big beach towel blanket!)
trudgingagain is offline  
Old 02-07-2014, 08:49 AM
  # 56 (permalink)  
Member
 
WhoDey's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Ohio
Posts: 818
Originally Posted by LittleSparrow View Post
I don't want to drink, but I feel the urgency of staying sober wearing off and that scares me. I know I can't go back and I don't want to when I think about how awful it was, but I'm worried that one time I'll forget how important it is and I'll slip.
That's where I'm at. Part of me does tire of having to work hard at sobriety and hopes to get to a place where it isn't so much work. Another part of me, however, is fearful of getting to that place.

I don't want to drink ... but I also don't want to have to frequently have not-drinking in the forefront of my mind. I've got to believe that it will get easier (already has) and eventually we'll arrive at our new normal.

Reading all the talk about DIY has been very tiring. I think I'll take a nap later this afternoon. Thanks for the excuse.

Stay sober 'Tobers!
WhoDey is offline  
Old 02-07-2014, 11:14 AM
  # 57 (permalink)  
Member
 
reflection's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 465
Thanks for this thoughtful conversation, it's so helpful to know how you all are dealing with these feelings, as well. I continue to be pleasantly amazed and thankful to have stumbled on SR again.

Trudging, DIY it up! I love the idea of sewing 4 rugs today, especially if they work well with the new couch.

We are "buried" in snow here in the Pacific NW...with another round coming in this afternoon and tomorrow. Today was the first day in my 40-something years that shoveled and swept the walk - I didn't grow up with the cold, wintry weather. It was really gratifying and wow, what a workout!! I was sweating by the end.

Hope you all enjoy the day.
reflection is offline  
Old 02-07-2014, 11:24 AM
  # 58 (permalink)  
Member
 
trudgingagain's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 1,443
Hahaha!WD...a nap sounds pretty good....interesting though...I used to take one almost every day. Not ONE since sober! Thanks, reflection....I am sewing them as we speak (type!). AND by hand....I don't own a machine...lol. Sewing was never my "thing"... nor was any DIY stuff either! What's the worst that can happen? It looks bad and I tear them apart and buy the rug! Getting anything down here is really tough...let alone anything that "goes" with anything! Duties and taxes are over $100.00....and then there is shipping! We could always bring stuff on the plane when we visit in March, but who wants to carry a carpet around the airport????!!!! We are flying non-stop though.....hmmmmm....any way, just put polyurethane on a log chair that was cut from the trunk of a tree that fell on the road....I did sand it first! Going to figure out if I can make a cushion for it! Things in Costa Rica are pretty eclectic at least....some may view them as "funky"...lol....but, "things" here don't matter much
trudgingagain is offline  
Old 02-07-2014, 11:33 AM
  # 59 (permalink)  
Member
 
DoubleDragons's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 2,805
Hi, guys. I had off from work today. We are going to a different office building on Monday. I am really looking forward to the change of scenery. Supposedly this building has a great coffee shop and a wonderful deli. It sounds more active than where we were. I am excited for the fresh start. I spent the morning at my yoga place doing yoga and meditation. It was wonderful and much needed. I have changed my life a lot, Dee. Actually, a lot of changes occurred before I quit drinking. When we moved to FL, I purposely stayed away from the party scene. I don't think a lot of my friends from NC would believe I am the same person! LOL
DoubleDragons is offline  
Old 02-07-2014, 11:58 AM
  # 60 (permalink)  
Member
 
Cynderino's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Kansas City
Posts: 358
Driver - awesome job on the insurance win! Way to go! I do think those places have a "deny first" policy to see who really wants it - who will fight for it - that kind of thing.
Cynderino is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 06:45 AM.