Class of August 2013 - Part 9
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 4,860
Hi, all --
7MH, wish I had some great advice but cannot help. Since quitting, the places where I've gone that serve alcohol have all been restaurants, not bars. I don't think I could handle the bar scene anymore!
I understand what Else means about changes in friendships. Of my three closest girlfriends -- one who lives 10 minutes away, the other who both live four hours away -- two now know about my drinking problem. Each is a friend from different times and places in my life. They are three very different, and very wonderful, women. The one who lives nearby is also the closest in many ways. But when I told her, about two months ago, the reaction was not particularly supportive. It took a second conversation for things to sink in. It also took some acknowledgement on my part about that it has always been hard for her to talk about adversities and a recognition that she is still immensely dear to me, no matter what.
Almost every summer, I get together with three of the "girls" who were college roommates, one of whom I count in the aforementioned list of my three closest friends. This is the time of year we exchange schedules to hammer out a date. It's also my year to host. Because one has to fly in, it turns into four days of company, something that -- as an introvert -- always utterly drains me. Now, the added pressure of envisioning alcohol in the house (pressure I assigned to myself since I'm the one with the problem, not them) and a long-established history of "girls drinking" and hitting a bar or two when we get together left me thoroughly dreading the prospect of hosting them.
(Another story, but the dynamics are challenging, too. The one who must fly in has become someone with whom I no longer have anything in common. She has become a petty, woe-is-me person, unhappy with her family life and full of grievances about how other people have have nicer houses, more successful husbands, better careers, you name it. Truth is, if I could "friend divorce" her, I would.)
So it felt necessary to address the 800-lb gorilla in the room. I wrote a long letter to the one who with whom I'm very close, explaining where I was at in my life, what I was doing to deal with it and my concerns over the expectation of a protracted visit.
She wrote an equally lengthy response, expressing:
1. total shock that I have a drinking problem
2. an eloquent statement of her love for me and support for my recovery, and
3. understanding that I should not be expected to host the get-together
She's hosting the get-together at her place. I may or may not be there. If it was next month, I'd skip it. We'll see how I feel this summer, but if I go, it will be for one night, max.
I remain deeply touched by her support. Her letter opened with three sentences: "I love you. Period. No matter what." It made me feel good.
This kind of conversation is difficult and I've learned the hard way the results may well not be what I'd hoped for. I won't be having "the conversation" with other friends or family for a long time.
7MH, wish I had some great advice but cannot help. Since quitting, the places where I've gone that serve alcohol have all been restaurants, not bars. I don't think I could handle the bar scene anymore!
I understand what Else means about changes in friendships. Of my three closest girlfriends -- one who lives 10 minutes away, the other who both live four hours away -- two now know about my drinking problem. Each is a friend from different times and places in my life. They are three very different, and very wonderful, women. The one who lives nearby is also the closest in many ways. But when I told her, about two months ago, the reaction was not particularly supportive. It took a second conversation for things to sink in. It also took some acknowledgement on my part about that it has always been hard for her to talk about adversities and a recognition that she is still immensely dear to me, no matter what.
Almost every summer, I get together with three of the "girls" who were college roommates, one of whom I count in the aforementioned list of my three closest friends. This is the time of year we exchange schedules to hammer out a date. It's also my year to host. Because one has to fly in, it turns into four days of company, something that -- as an introvert -- always utterly drains me. Now, the added pressure of envisioning alcohol in the house (pressure I assigned to myself since I'm the one with the problem, not them) and a long-established history of "girls drinking" and hitting a bar or two when we get together left me thoroughly dreading the prospect of hosting them.
(Another story, but the dynamics are challenging, too. The one who must fly in has become someone with whom I no longer have anything in common. She has become a petty, woe-is-me person, unhappy with her family life and full of grievances about how other people have have nicer houses, more successful husbands, better careers, you name it. Truth is, if I could "friend divorce" her, I would.)
So it felt necessary to address the 800-lb gorilla in the room. I wrote a long letter to the one who with whom I'm very close, explaining where I was at in my life, what I was doing to deal with it and my concerns over the expectation of a protracted visit.
She wrote an equally lengthy response, expressing:
1. total shock that I have a drinking problem
2. an eloquent statement of her love for me and support for my recovery, and
3. understanding that I should not be expected to host the get-together
She's hosting the get-together at her place. I may or may not be there. If it was next month, I'd skip it. We'll see how I feel this summer, but if I go, it will be for one night, max.
I remain deeply touched by her support. Her letter opened with three sentences: "I love you. Period. No matter what." It made me feel good.
This kind of conversation is difficult and I've learned the hard way the results may well not be what I'd hoped for. I won't be having "the conversation" with other friends or family for a long time.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 4,860
Thanks, Elseware. I'm certainly lucky to have some really good friends. I'm not *super* close to that many, but the ones I have are keepers!
Actually, I should be thanking you, too. I remember how much you were dreading a houseful for Thanksgiving. It felt that way to me, too. Yet, here I was a couple months ago telling you to cancel the get-together!
It felt like I should practice what I preach. I didn't exactly come out and refuse to host the gathering, which would have been the more courageous thing to do (!), but I did lay out the reasons why it would be painfully difficult for me. I know that deep down, I was hoping my friend would suggest an alternative. It's too long of a story to go into, but the alternatives for a get-together are also ones that I knew would be very feasible -- even preferable, in some respects -- given the locations where we all live and the fact that two of the three (the pleasant ones) are h.s. teachers for whom summers offer far greater flexibility.
So thanks, Elseware! Big hug to you!
Actually, I should be thanking you, too. I remember how much you were dreading a houseful for Thanksgiving. It felt that way to me, too. Yet, here I was a couple months ago telling you to cancel the get-together!
It felt like I should practice what I preach. I didn't exactly come out and refuse to host the gathering, which would have been the more courageous thing to do (!), but I did lay out the reasons why it would be painfully difficult for me. I know that deep down, I was hoping my friend would suggest an alternative. It's too long of a story to go into, but the alternatives for a get-together are also ones that I knew would be very feasible -- even preferable, in some respects -- given the locations where we all live and the fact that two of the three (the pleasant ones) are h.s. teachers for whom summers offer far greater flexibility.
So thanks, Elseware! Big hug to you!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Sonoran Desert & Southeast Asia
Posts: 6,561
What a great outcome V, good job! I have been in the same situation before and it takes a lot of thought and agonizing internal debate to get to the place you need to be in your head to put it out there in the right context. Well, it does for me, and it sounds like for you as well. Again, great job, and it was awesome your friend responded the way she did. What a big, happy relief!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 728
Venecia, congrats on your accomplishment, very hard to do....I am finding true friends want you and don't care if don't drink. Tough to do, put setting the stage and being upfront is easier in the long run! You've come a long way baby!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 3,359
I have been struggling a bit of late. Through therapy, I realize my intensity is off the charts and perhaps one of the drivers of my core issues. I watched the movie The Lone Survivor this weekend and there is a line about how “moderation is for losers.” I could not agree more - if something is worth doing its worth doing it 110%. This was my problem with partying. I am not sure that I want to change this (clearly I need to limit this personality trait to healthy things)...while I realize having no gray in my life can make things difficult, I like black and white. This is why I have loved math and code - it just makes sense - so much beauty in perfection.
I have major trust issues and I tend to distrust men more than women. This stems from my child abuse/trauma when I was younger. I am also coming to believe this has affected my ability to make true friends. Perhaps this is my role in me being ostracized and not fitting. In fact, I can now see that with most friendships, I tend to be a chameleon. I befriend people that have something I want. I emulate their personalities, befriend them until I have used them for what I need and then move on. But in the last part, I also want them to like me and it kills me when people don’t like me. I am now seeing my role in this process more clearly. In essence I have multiple personalities that are diametrically opposed - I am a conundrum, a paradox.
I appreciate my friendships on SR and all of you. I feel like I have been trying to show off of late to get you to like me and I am sorry for this. I have been blowing up a bit, staying sober but having much mental anguish. I posted in another Forum but seem to be coming back to the 12 steps as a process vs RR.
Anyhow, I am off next week for my European trip. I am going to take my camera and take some pics to post here. I have never been to Red square before - only remember the night clubs in Moscow, which I won't be frequenting this time around.
I have major trust issues and I tend to distrust men more than women. This stems from my child abuse/trauma when I was younger. I am also coming to believe this has affected my ability to make true friends. Perhaps this is my role in me being ostracized and not fitting. In fact, I can now see that with most friendships, I tend to be a chameleon. I befriend people that have something I want. I emulate their personalities, befriend them until I have used them for what I need and then move on. But in the last part, I also want them to like me and it kills me when people don’t like me. I am now seeing my role in this process more clearly. In essence I have multiple personalities that are diametrically opposed - I am a conundrum, a paradox.
I appreciate my friendships on SR and all of you. I feel like I have been trying to show off of late to get you to like me and I am sorry for this. I have been blowing up a bit, staying sober but having much mental anguish. I posted in another Forum but seem to be coming back to the 12 steps as a process vs RR.
Anyhow, I am off next week for my European trip. I am going to take my camera and take some pics to post here. I have never been to Red square before - only remember the night clubs in Moscow, which I won't be frequenting this time around.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Earth
Posts: 1,791
JD - whatever works best for you to stay sober we're all good with.
It's perfectly natural and OK to be proud of and share your accomplishments. I haven't had your level of success, but neither have many others had my level of success. I don't talk about my work much because it isn't much fun to talk about. If it was, I would.
Try not to get yourself too worked up on your program conflicts. I think you have the sense of personal accountability to stay sober no matter what support you choose, maybe just trust yourself a bit more in that regard and things will be a little easier.
Have an awesome day. FG
It's perfectly natural and OK to be proud of and share your accomplishments. I haven't had your level of success, but neither have many others had my level of success. I don't talk about my work much because it isn't much fun to talk about. If it was, I would.
Try not to get yourself too worked up on your program conflicts. I think you have the sense of personal accountability to stay sober no matter what support you choose, maybe just trust yourself a bit more in that regard and things will be a little easier.
Have an awesome day. FG
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 264
Venecia. What an amazing friend and amazing outcome. So happy for you.
I wish I would have given the same respect to my sister in September. Don't know if you remember the whole watersliding thing but I avoided her and lied
When I told her the truth recently she cried and apologized. SHE felt bad because I was afraid to tell her the truth. I wish I had given her the benefit if the doubt because she is more than supportive.
I wish I would have given the same respect to my sister in September. Don't know if you remember the whole watersliding thing but I avoided her and lied
When I told her the truth recently she cried and apologized. SHE felt bad because I was afraid to tell her the truth. I wish I had given her the benefit if the doubt because she is more than supportive.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 3,359
Originally Posted by foolsgold66 
JD - whatever works best for you to stay sober we're all good with.
It's perfectly natural and OK to be proud of and share your accomplishments. I haven't had your level of success, but neither have many others had my level of success. I don't talk about my work much because it isn't much fun to talk about. If it was, I would.
Try not to get yourself too worked up on your program conflicts. I think you have the sense of personal accountability to stay sober no matter what support you choose, maybe just trust yourself a bit more in that regard and things will be a little easier.
Have an awesome day. FG
It's perfectly natural and OK to be proud of and share your accomplishments. I haven't had your level of success, but neither have many others had my level of success. I don't talk about my work much because it isn't much fun to talk about. If it was, I would.
Try not to get yourself too worked up on your program conflicts. I think you have the sense of personal accountability to stay sober no matter what support you choose, maybe just trust yourself a bit more in that regard and things will be a little easier.
Have an awesome day. FG
I feel like I am gearing up for my next challenge. I believe my mind was trying to get me go back to drinking bc what I am about to face are memories and issues that have been unresolved for decades. There are parts of my childhood that have been blocked - consciously and unconsciously for more than 30 years that are now surfacing. It would be much easier to keep them buried with the booze. I don't believe this was meant to be though. So in a way, I feel all these recent struggles are for a greater purpose, which will allow me to get to the next level so to speak.
My wife told me today she wants to start drinking again. She misses the wine. Says she won't and can't have vodka but wants to have two glasses of wine during dinner. I realize this is denial but also that I cannot and should not stop her either. I know exactly how long it would take me to return to Aug 24th mindset - about one hour. I would have zero desire to have one or two glasses of wine. It is not appealing at all.
I just hope this decision of hers will not destroy things again but again, sort of out of my control so can't worry about it.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 264
Jdooner: it is surprising how much I relate to your most recent posts. You described me word for word when you spoke of befriending people and so badly wanting people to like you. I could honestly copy and paste that!
My husband has also started having the odd drink here and there. It pissed me off to no end I totally but one sort of come to terms with it, but misery sure loves company! I feel disappointed that he no longer shares sobriety with me, but if he wants to be sober he has to do it on his own terms.
At the risk of sharing tmi, the other night he went out and had one drink (whiskey of all things! It was my weakness), when he returned home we were lounging on the couch and he leaned over to "make a move", as soon as he got close enough to kiss me I was over powered by the smell of whiskey on his breath. It sure spoiled the mood for that night! I was honest with him. And he was very understanding. The funny thing is that smell nearly made me puke! I was surprised it didn't cause a craving.
My husband has also started having the odd drink here and there. It pissed me off to no end I totally but one sort of come to terms with it, but misery sure loves company! I feel disappointed that he no longer shares sobriety with me, but if he wants to be sober he has to do it on his own terms.
At the risk of sharing tmi, the other night he went out and had one drink (whiskey of all things! It was my weakness), when he returned home we were lounging on the couch and he leaned over to "make a move", as soon as he got close enough to kiss me I was over powered by the smell of whiskey on his breath. It sure spoiled the mood for that night! I was honest with him. And he was very understanding. The funny thing is that smell nearly made me puke! I was surprised it didn't cause a craving.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 3,359
Originally Posted by Sheknits
Jdooner: it is surprising how much I relate to your most recent posts. You described me word for word when you spoke of befriending people and so badly wanting people to like you. I could honestly copy and paste that!
My husband has also started having the odd drink here and there. It pissed me off to no end I totally but one sort of come to terms with it, but misery sure loves company! I feel disappointed that he no longer shares sobriety with me, but if he wants to be sober he has to do it on his own terms.
At the risk of sharing tmi, the other night he went out and had one drink (whiskey of all things! It was my weakness), when he returned home we were lounging on the couch and he leaned over to "make a move", as soon as he got close enough to kiss me I was over powered by the smell of whiskey on his breath. It sure spoiled the mood for that night! I was honest with him. And he was very understanding. The funny thing is that smell nearly made me puke! I was surprised it didn't cause a craving.
My husband has also started having the odd drink here and there. It pissed me off to no end I totally but one sort of come to terms with it, but misery sure loves company! I feel disappointed that he no longer shares sobriety with me, but if he wants to be sober he has to do it on his own terms.
At the risk of sharing tmi, the other night he went out and had one drink (whiskey of all things! It was my weakness), when he returned home we were lounging on the couch and he leaned over to "make a move", as soon as he got close enough to kiss me I was over powered by the smell of whiskey on his breath. It sure spoiled the mood for that night! I was honest with him. And he was very understanding. The funny thing is that smell nearly made me puke! I was surprised it didn't cause a craving.
I have always hated having sex with my wife when she is drunk. I hated having sex when I was drunk. I was so numb that I would need drugs to help and this was a fine line - too much drugs and cat too little not exciting enough.
I am repulsed by the smell of cigarettes on my wife. She can't seem to quit. I gave them up in early September and have not looked back.
The past few weeks were really rough for me. I came close on some ways to really loosing it - not my sobriety but my mind. The ground was really unstable for me and its been tough to reign in. That said, I do feel stronger than ever and ready to climb again.
I signed up for another gym (yeah prob another issue belong to three now) and start Crossfit MWF with the Paleo Diet. I am fearful of developing type II diabetes so I need to clean up my diet. I contracted my swim coach through this year for Tuesday and Thursday training. We are unto 1600M of drills in 1 hour and I am feeling stronger.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Earth
Posts: 1,791
I dunno what to tell you guys. My wife is still hitting the wine every night. She still smokes too, JD, but I've actually been on e-cigs for years now. All that isn't easy, but if it was hard liquor I would be in a tighter spot, not sure what I would do then. It isn't a bed of roses, that's for sure.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 3,359
You're doing a great job FG. Its all about trying to find happiness, right? I was happy once when I used and drank recreationally. At least I thought I was. Then I no longer was so I am taking steps to figure all this out. Knowledge is power and knowledge of yourself is the most powerful and rewarding gift you can give yourself. I hope once I become more aware, more present then serenity and happiness will follow.
My fear for my wife is that she is deluding herself but she needs to figure that out on her own. In terms of the smokes, well smoking and sugars kill just like alcohol. We all have our issues and some are lucky enough to deal with them. I think there is safety in numbers and support in the community so I am glad for this moment to have each other.
My fear for my wife is that she is deluding herself but she needs to figure that out on her own. In terms of the smokes, well smoking and sugars kill just like alcohol. We all have our issues and some are lucky enough to deal with them. I think there is safety in numbers and support in the community so I am glad for this moment to have each other.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Oregon
Posts: 4,252
Serious stuff here. Thank all of you for your candor. It means a lot to me to know more of your personalities and foibles. Because I have so many. I am very complicated, also. We all are. You all might not realize this but a great deal of endearing qualities come through in your posts. You are all lovely people and I am grateful to be able to come here to this place and see that you have posted and to be able to share your struggles. What I really appreciate is that we are all at 5 or so months and we all seem to be in similar straits. Misery may love company but it is more like happiness loves understanding.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
