Class of September 2013 - Part 23
Perpetual Optimist
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: LA
Posts: 1,371
Originally Posted by rochele 
Sorry to be ranting on and on here. I just needed to get it all out. Thanks for reading friends. And for the helpful and caring comments and advice. I know I need to work on me.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Charlotte North Carolina
Posts: 1,195
Originally Posted by Br00ksie
Goooo Panthers!!!
<--- (She's even dressed in the right colors!) 
Re: Democratic jokes, my BFF's dad is actually a huge Republican and has been (unsuccessfully) trying to recruit me since I was 11. So is my ex, but I love them anyway!!
I guess ONE more republican friend won't hurt, Fishy! 
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Iowa
Posts: 464
Originally Posted by Renarde
I wanted to reveal something about myself. My parents are both politicians. One of them is very successful. The other one on a very small level. I grew up in a public role and everything had to be perfect. Everything else took first place over family. Things were nuts at home. I find it hard even now to shed that outer role that was imposed on me.
For a long time I was incredibly fractured inside. I had my outside, perfect and successful exterior and inside I was sick. My eating disorder became such a dominant identity and it felt like the real me and it was so bent on self destruction it was nearly evil. It was very hard living in such different worlds. I became a very good liar when it came to protecting my addictions. My alcoholism is nothing compared to the horrors of the ED and things it made me do, horrible things.
I struggle with my husband because he is incredibly dominant. I met him when I was very very sick and we immediately adopted sick/addict (me) and codependent (him) role. This rescued me from death (truly). He ran the ship because he had to, and he's always had to, his entire life. As someone gets well, the dynamic is not sustainable. As I have grown stronger and our relationship has progressed, he is proud of me but there are regular power struggles as I am more powerful, capable, confident, and frankly stubborn and head strong. Being drunk was a way to weaken myself enough to live with that original dynamic, which I no longer fully fit. Fortunately we seem to move two steps forward and sometimes one back as I head toward meeting my real potential in life, which my eyes are focused on.
One thing I really, truly want is to become a fully integrated person. I want honesty, integrity, no false exteriors, I want acceptance for myself from within, I keep saying I want to live REAL life and I do. The good and the bad. I cannot split off into the angel and the devil (destruction directed at myself) anymore.
I really feel I am headed in that direction. I'm sorry if I'm like a bull in a china shop with my words or attitudes sometimes. Thank you class for holding my hand and putting up with me and helping me to invest in myself as you invest in me.
Nothing but love for everyone, whether you're in hiding or posting every day.
For a long time I was incredibly fractured inside. I had my outside, perfect and successful exterior and inside I was sick. My eating disorder became such a dominant identity and it felt like the real me and it was so bent on self destruction it was nearly evil. It was very hard living in such different worlds. I became a very good liar when it came to protecting my addictions. My alcoholism is nothing compared to the horrors of the ED and things it made me do, horrible things.
I struggle with my husband because he is incredibly dominant. I met him when I was very very sick and we immediately adopted sick/addict (me) and codependent (him) role. This rescued me from death (truly). He ran the ship because he had to, and he's always had to, his entire life. As someone gets well, the dynamic is not sustainable. As I have grown stronger and our relationship has progressed, he is proud of me but there are regular power struggles as I am more powerful, capable, confident, and frankly stubborn and head strong. Being drunk was a way to weaken myself enough to live with that original dynamic, which I no longer fully fit. Fortunately we seem to move two steps forward and sometimes one back as I head toward meeting my real potential in life, which my eyes are focused on.
One thing I really, truly want is to become a fully integrated person. I want honesty, integrity, no false exteriors, I want acceptance for myself from within, I keep saying I want to live REAL life and I do. The good and the bad. I cannot split off into the angel and the devil (destruction directed at myself) anymore.
I really feel I am headed in that direction. I'm sorry if I'm like a bull in a china shop with my words or attitudes sometimes. Thank you class for holding my hand and putting up with me and helping me to invest in myself as you invest in me.
Nothing but love for everyone, whether you're in hiding or posting every day.
Perpetual Optimist
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: LA
Posts: 1,371
All of the discussion about marriage and relationships combined with some experiences in sobriety have made me realize some things about myself and my relationships.
I am coming to realize how terrified of commitment I am. I've had a whole slew of boyfriends (I promise I'm not a ho!) and (apart from mostly being arrogant assholes) the thing they all had in common was the fact that the relationships never made it past 6 months.
I am THIRTY and have never been in a relationship for longer than 6 months and that scares the sh*t out of me!!
Whenever things got tough, rather than working through whatever difficulty was at hand, I always ended it.
I WANT a marriage and babies, but I have a REALLY hard time trusting people and being vulnerable.
I have learned a lot from those relationships and from my parents and friends' relationships/marriages and I am learning so much from you all, but it makes me think, how am I supposed to be able to spend a lifetime with someone if I have no staying power?
Yesterday someone on twitter made a comparison between marriage and addiction.
He said:
"Recovering addicts don't look at crackheads and say, 'I won't be like that again.' They say, 'I'm just one hit away from being that again.' Relationships work the same way. Don't see a divorced couple and say, 'That'll never be us.' If you don't put in the work, it will be you."
The resounding consensus about marriage is that it is HARD and it takes a lot of work and I guess I am just talking about it to try and stay hopeful. I need to figure out what role my fear plays in all of this.
Soo yeah... Guess who's getting a therapist REAL soon??
I am coming to realize how terrified of commitment I am. I've had a whole slew of boyfriends (I promise I'm not a ho!) and (apart from mostly being arrogant assholes) the thing they all had in common was the fact that the relationships never made it past 6 months.
I am THIRTY and have never been in a relationship for longer than 6 months and that scares the sh*t out of me!!
Whenever things got tough, rather than working through whatever difficulty was at hand, I always ended it.
I WANT a marriage and babies, but I have a REALLY hard time trusting people and being vulnerable.
I have learned a lot from those relationships and from my parents and friends' relationships/marriages and I am learning so much from you all, but it makes me think, how am I supposed to be able to spend a lifetime with someone if I have no staying power?
Yesterday someone on twitter made a comparison between marriage and addiction.
He said:
"Recovering addicts don't look at crackheads and say, 'I won't be like that again.' They say, 'I'm just one hit away from being that again.' Relationships work the same way. Don't see a divorced couple and say, 'That'll never be us.' If you don't put in the work, it will be you."
The resounding consensus about marriage is that it is HARD and it takes a lot of work and I guess I am just talking about it to try and stay hopeful. I need to figure out what role my fear plays in all of this.
Soo yeah... Guess who's getting a therapist REAL soon??
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 2,303
Thank you all so much for your warm responses to my post. I just love you guys!
Fish, no apologies, keep continuing your jokes!
I have a lot more thoughts and will be back later to share.
Today is an exciting day - I am a Denver Bronco, so I am all about today's playoff games!
Fish, no apologies, keep continuing your jokes!
I have a lot more thoughts and will be back later to share.
Today is an exciting day - I am a Denver Bronco, so I am all about today's playoff games!
Velveteen Rabbit
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: San Diego, Cali
Posts: 2,661
Originally Posted by Mentium
Always worth remembering such 'buddies' are sometimes justifying their own boozing too - you don't have to be here to be worried and anxious pout one's drinking. I shudder to think of the number of 'almost alcoholics' there are out there.
Mentium, you are such a wise man. I'm really happy to see you on such a good path. I looked up where Cambria was located - it looks so beautiful there!
Have fun on that new bicycle. I'd be afraid if I started biking towards Scotland, I might never come back. There would always be something so beautiful around the next corner......
Velveteen Rabbit
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: San Diego, Cali
Posts: 2,661
Originally Posted by Renarde
Today is an exciting day - I am a Denver Bronco, so I am all about today's playoff games!
I wish I could give my team that David & Goliath speech that underdog teams always get told in the locker room. Wouldn't that be fun to be the Director of Inspiration? Eeerrr, well I'd have to make sure everyone put on their clothes first before the sermon on the mount.
I'm getting used to football without beer. Hardly crosses my mind now, so that's a good thing. Dee was right. He told me that would happen. Wise man that fellow.
Velveteen Rabbit
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: San Diego, Cali
Posts: 2,661
Originally Posted by Br00ksie
Renarde I think you are such a wonderful and funny and loving and strong and amazing person!! I am so grateful for your presence on this thread!
(((Renarde)))
(((Renarde)))
I know it's really hard Renarde, but just as an observer on the outside - I see you moving forward every day. Step at a time. You are strong enough to make any decision.
I think it's amazing to watch everyone on this thread start coming to terms with their life as it exists. Like waking up from a long winter's nap, sobriety brings with it....self awareness.
I know for myself, it's like waking up in the morning after a party and I'm looking at the messy house going "WTF has been going on here?!!"
And can I get a "Irv, clean up on Aisle 4?" for those moments?
I'm starting to realize that everyone has these kinds of issues. It's called LIFE, and well....I can't run away and hide anymore. The pain we feel, like loneliness in a marriage, self-depreciation, etc.....it's our spirits pushing us to a greater height. Without that pain, we wouldn't move forward.
Putting a wager down. I bet in 3 years, the big problems we are seeing right now that need fixing - will be mostly cleaned up and we will all be in a better place in some way, as long as we stay sober. We are all smart and strong people, and gosh - I see such great things for us all!
My least favorite point in cleaning the house, is the beginning where I see how many things need to get done and it seems so overwhelming. After a couple of jobs are done though....things seem so much better. The first step is really the hardest.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 2,303
Originally Posted by LillianGish
Yeah that. Brooksie said exactly what I wanted to say. I know it's really hard Renarde, but just as an observer on the outside - I see you moving forward every day. Step at a time. You are strong enough to make any decision. I think it's amazing to watch everyone on this thread start coming to terms with their life as it exists. Like waking up from a long winter's nap, sobriety brings with it....self awareness. I know for myself, it's like waking up in the morning after a party and I'm looking at the messy house going "WTF has been going on here?!!" And can I get a "Irv, clean up on Aisle 4?" for those moments? I'm starting to realize that everyone has these kinds of issues. It's called LIFE, and well....I can't run away and hide anymore. The pain we feel, like loneliness in a marriage, self-depreciation, etc.....it's our spirits pushing us to a greater height. Without that pain, we wouldn't move forward. Putting a wager down. I bet in 3 years, the big problems we are seeing right now that need fixing - will be mostly cleaned up and we will all be in a better place in some way, as long as we stay sober. We are all smart and strong people, and gosh - I see such great things for us all! My least favorite point in cleaning the house, is the beginning where I see how many things need to get done and it seems so overwhelming. After a couple of jobs are done though....things seem so much better. The first step is really the hardest.
And can I get a "Irv, clean up on Aisle 4?" for those moments? I'm starting to realize that everyone has these kinds of issues. It's called LIFE, and well....I can't run away and hide anymore. The pain we feel, like loneliness in a marriage, self-depreciation, etc.....it's our spirits pushing us to a greater height. Without that pain, we wouldn't move forward. Putting a wager down. I bet in 3 years, the big problems we are seeing right now that need fixing - will be mostly cleaned up and we will all be in a better place in some way, as long as we stay sober. We are all smart and strong people, and gosh - I see such great things for us all! My least favorite point in cleaning the house, is the beginning where I see how many things need to get done and it seems so overwhelming. After a couple of jobs are done though....things seem so much better. The first step is really the hardest.And yes we will have to do some trash talking Lil! I am finding that I pay a lot more attention sober.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Malta
Posts: 169
My pride wasn't letting me whatever I'm going to write below but I decided to humble myself and here I am.
Yesterday I fell off again, I drank 4 pints in the morning and felt great for about an hour but then after having lunch things started getting bad, I tried to have a nap but really bad taughts started coming up my mind so I got up, than my wife and daughter wanted to get out of the house so I took them to a nearby bay but there where no shops to buy booze from so I started get annoyed and sick so after half an hour I got them back home but on the way I stopped at a supermarket and bought 4 pints, 2 of which I drank as soon as we where back home. 1 hour later we got out of home again cause I wanted to eat pizza (an excuse to get more booze from the bar) anyway by the end of the day I had had my usual 10 pints which resulted in a hell of night. Now that I have been the whole day sober I still feel the booze affect eg. hurting legs and bad stomach. I don't know why I did it again after 6 wonderful sober days, I'm mostly writing this post for my future reference. Wish you all the rest of a good day and thanks for reading my post.
Sorry for I have failed you again.
Yesterday I fell off again, I drank 4 pints in the morning and felt great for about an hour but then after having lunch things started getting bad, I tried to have a nap but really bad taughts started coming up my mind so I got up, than my wife and daughter wanted to get out of the house so I took them to a nearby bay but there where no shops to buy booze from so I started get annoyed and sick so after half an hour I got them back home but on the way I stopped at a supermarket and bought 4 pints, 2 of which I drank as soon as we where back home. 1 hour later we got out of home again cause I wanted to eat pizza (an excuse to get more booze from the bar) anyway by the end of the day I had had my usual 10 pints which resulted in a hell of night. Now that I have been the whole day sober I still feel the booze affect eg. hurting legs and bad stomach. I don't know why I did it again after 6 wonderful sober days, I'm mostly writing this post for my future reference. Wish you all the rest of a good day and thanks for reading my post.
Sorry for I have failed you again.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 2,303
I'm glad you're here and shared that fifth. I'm sorry you feel so sick.
I know you want to be sober. What sources of support are you willing to try? Maybe it's time to change your approach. It's hard to do this alone. (((Fifth)))
I know you want to be sober. What sources of support are you willing to try? Maybe it's time to change your approach. It's hard to do this alone. (((Fifth)))
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Malta
Posts: 169
Originally Posted by Renarde
I'm glad you're here and shared that fifth. I'm sorry you feel so sick.
I know you want to be sober. What sources of support are you willing to try? Maybe it's time to change your approach. It's hard to do this alone. (((Fifth)))
I know you want to be sober. What sources of support are you willing to try? Maybe it's time to change your approach. It's hard to do this alone. (((Fifth)))
Recovering
Join Date: May 2012
Location: UK
Posts: 1,361
Hi fifth. I found listening to AA speakers helped get past the urges (I wasn't in AA).
If you Google XA Speakers you'll find a huge database of them (go to AA/individual speakers from the main menu to get to the largest set; there are hundreds).
Don't give up giving up. It took many of us many attempts before finding what we needed to get to a stable and, importantly, happy, sobriety.
If you Google XA Speakers you'll find a huge database of them (go to AA/individual speakers from the main menu to get to the largest set; there are hundreds).
Don't give up giving up. It took many of us many attempts before finding what we needed to get to a stable and, importantly, happy, sobriety.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Malta
Posts: 169
@Michael66 - wow thanks, I have never wrote to you or vice versa and still here you are with one post u gave me a lot of help....when I'm in bed concentrated I'll put my headphones on and listen to a couple.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Charlotte North Carolina
Posts: 1,195
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 2,303
Originally Posted by fifth
@Michael66 - wow thanks, I have never wrote to you or vice versa and still here you are with one post u gave me a lot of help....when I'm in bed concentrated I'll put my headphones on and listen to a couple.
How much does your wife know about you wanting to stay sober? Telling people in real life made me more accountable.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Malta
Posts: 169
Originally Posted by Renarde
How about buying and reading some recovery books each day?
How much does your wife know about you wanting to stay sober? Telling people in real life made me more accountable.
How much does your wife know about you wanting to stay sober? Telling people in real life made me more accountable.
Yes my wife knows that I want to stay sober, she is kind to me especially when I'm in a lot of useless drama.
Velveteen Rabbit
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: San Diego, Cali
Posts: 2,661
Fifth, I'm sorry you are struggling. I hope you can find it in yourself to quit. What helps me is that I was ashamed to drink in front of my children. Even now, when I think about picking up....I think about their little faces, and then I think of the horrible hangover. So far, it's working for me.
I've heard that the book "Rational Recovery" is really good, especially if AA isn't working for you.
I've heard that the book "Rational Recovery" is really good, especially if AA isn't working for you.
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