Deserto

Yeah but I don't know what those pursuits are, what good change is, or how to kick without stubbing my toe, apparently. Can't seem to shake the idea that it's my "right" to do this "on occasion." Bleah.

Dee74

You've been through some rough stuff - it's natural you feel sad...but if you hang on to that sadness, or let it turn into self pity, you may find yourself mired there for years.

I did that.
I wouldn't like to see that happen to you Deserto

D

Jeni26

Hey cowboy, time to shake those feelings of 'why shouldn't I?' to 'why SHOULD i? Why should you have to face any more mornings when you feel hopeless, ashamed, self-pity? You are a great person who has so much to offer and so much in your life to live for. You deserve to feel good about yourself. You deserve your happiness. You deserve to turn your back on that one thing that stands in your way to achieving peace and self-acceptance. Drinking is just not worth it. It leads you into a dark unhappy place. You know that.
We all care about you very much and stand shoulder to shoulder with you in this battle. Lean on us. We are here for you xxx

Deserto

Oh, I like that -- that's a good one!

Jeni26

Wehav-no pointers on the 4th step I'm afraid.....I'm not finding it easy at all!! It's leading to flashbacks and overall horrid thoughts. I'm keeping it in the day at the moment. Treating each day as it comes with a new sense of purpose and trying to be gentle with myself. No looking back or forward unless I'm forced to. Today I'm sober. Today I need to focus on my job. I remind myself of what I'm responsible for and what I'm not. It would be easy to sink at this point but that's not an option. I'm doing a lot of praying. I will get through it, I deserve it xx

FrenchPink

(((Dweller))). I am so happy to see your posts again! You know I'd felt you drifting away, my most cherished partner in primetime rhyme crime, and so it's good to see you back in here staying close to us. Thank you for that. Mammoth hugs to you on your Day 1. See it as a celebration of release from personal and physical torment and embrace this new day of infinitely positive opportunities. Plan a pleasurable and relaxing day for yourself, good buddy. One that involves your peaceful solace in or on the water. Let your troubles float away today, freeing your mind to enjoy and reflect upon all of the many blessings in your life. We are here for you, I am here for you. Much, much love to you, my special friend.

tanja

Deserto - You may have had a lapse, but my hat is off to you in seeking recovery during the most challenging time of your life. Your strength has amazed me. I think that you did pursue worthwhile pursuits during sobriety; i.e., rafting, hiking, establishing relationships with sober friends and pursuing recovery. I know you can do this! One day at a time.

Jeni - Good to know that step 4 is difficult and brings up painful emotions. I know from reading Women For Sobriety literature that step 4 can be very difficult for most women. It will be quite some time before I tackle that step.

On the good news front, my husband is picking up our kitty from the vet. I have made up a dog crate in the guest bedroom for her. It has a kitty condo it, her catbox and food and water. She isn't supposed to jump at all. I also have a radio where she can hear soothing music.

OneLessLonely

((((deserto)))
Feel free to post more. Pour your heart out. It really helps. We want to hear all you have to say. I think some may worry about being a burden or being negative or sound complaining but we're all in this together and at least one of us is always able to help or is helped or understands what another is going through. Don't shy away from opening up to us. This goes for everyone.

kittycat3

Hi deserto and may-mates, I am on day 2. Sunday night I went out and had a big bender. Spent all day in bed recovering yesterday. Feel awful, self-loathing, etc. I am having panic attacks thinking about what happened, ugh. I know I will recover but then what? I am feeling so defeated. I just cant seem to avoid these stupid slips. Why don't I put myself first?

OneLessLonely

Hugs to you kitty. I'm sorry to hear about that. Anything in particular you want to about why or how it happened? I really think its important to post what's on your mind. Help you square away what happened, how you felt, why it happened, what to do next time. I can think a million different things or ways but until I put it out there in words, it's not as poignant. Does that make sense? Like I said to deserto, pour your heart out. We'll have hearts pouring from all directions. And it will be ok. At any rate I'll be thinking of you.

tanja

Kittycat,

Don't beat yourself up! Its the nature of this disease to not put ourselves first. That is something we need to focus on in recovery. You haven't given up - you just posted. Take it from me, it takes great courage to post about a slip. From your posts I know you to be very brave, kind, thoughtful and loving. Don't ever, ever give up! You had six years of sobriety and you can and will find that again. Take care of yourself and most importantly treat yourself with kindness. We have all been through the same thing, we love you and you are not alone.

Jeni26

Tanja-so pleased to hear your cat is on the mend. Well done for getting through that emotional turmoil. And I'm so sorry if I worried you about the 4th step. Please don't be put off by what I posted, it was thoughtless. I struggle with every step, others don't. It's just me...
Kitty-well done for coming back to us. Great advice from OLL. If you feel it would help, please reach out to us. We are all here to love and support each other xxx

kittycat3

I guess at the root of it all, it is fully accepting I cannot drink alcohol.
I am afraid of being the odd one out or seen as a boring teetotaler. Stupid isnt it? Guess I'd rather be the out of control drunk that has to be taken care of and put my health at risk.
I went out on Sunday with a visiting friend here from Australia, he doesn't know I don't drink and I didn't tell him. Instead I kept drinking. Of course now I am paying for it, with not going to work and feeling the lowest of low....he wants to see me again and I'm avoiding him, which also feels bad.....I keep thinking someone is going to expose me as a fraud. I am now worried that somehow I saw someone in my wasted state and I'm going to be caught for calling in sick or acting ridiculous. I'm sure this didnt or won't happen but my mind is playing tricks on me.

kittycat3

Thanks ladies, I've said this before but this is the only place I feel safe to really vent. Your words are comforting as ever.

kittycat3

Also an afterthought. I think a part of me self-destructs because it's a familiar problem and creates drama that distracts me from really working on the real stuff. The known is a lesser beast than the unknown. Not sure how that is possible!

OneLessLonely

Kitty I can completely understand not wanting to be the odd one out or worrying that people thought I was boring or pregnant or had a problem. I've started telling myself that instead of not being able to drink, I'm hooding not to drink. I'm unique. I'm becoming healthier, more earthy crunchy if you will. Making it more of my decision rather than not being able to is helpful. Also I love what jeni said about stopping saying "why shouldn't I be able to?" and start saying "why should I put myself through all the aftermath. I deserve better" that was also a really great insight about self destructing to distract yourself from the real issues. If you're always nursing a hangover or worrying about your drinking, you don't have time or energy to tackle the other issues. They will catch up though. I think I'm learning right now not to fix everything immediately or as immediately as it comes up but it is difficult. Stay the course and stay close.

OneLessLonely

Hoodling?! that was supposed to say choosing or deciding. I can't remember. Oh man.. Lol.

Leemzer

32 days sober and a check-in. Sorry I have not been around. Sorry Deserto that you are struggling. This 32 days has been FAR harder for me than when I went so long before. They have been hard fought and I think it hinges on deep down knowing what you are saying; That if I am really going to do this I have to do it for life. I'm very stubborn in that respect.

Work has been easy and getting along great with the wife and kids.

This is definitely the strangest life I've ever known!
hope everyone stays well! Lee

OneLessLonely

Lee it's great to hear from you and aside from it being much tougher this go around, nice to hear that work and family life is going well. Grats on 32 days!

Dee74

Kitty

I drank for years because I didn't want to be that odd guy out....I didn;t want to have to change.

I didn't want to be different...but I was.
I was setting myself up for a whole lot of misery, over many many years...

be smarter than me

D